I’ll be too old, won’t I?

[Cantbelieveiusedtowatchthiscrap]

I’m 44 with a 4 year old Dd. Pregnant at 39 after 9 long years ttc and losses etc.
We have one frozen embryo left, frozen from when I was 39. I need to decide what to do. Not that it’s any guarantee it would work.
I’d love to have another child and would love Dd to have a sibling.
My age is literally the only thing standing in the way.
Seems so cruel, even if I was 5 years younger, I’d feel a bit differently.

What would you do?

Thing is there are parents in their 30s who are unfit, unhealthy, don't want to run around after their kids or teenagers and there's the bloke I volunteer with still camping at 3 festivals a year in his 70s as a support volunteer for teenagers. I had twins at 38, it won't make me a worse parent than the friend who had hers at 18.

I would go for it, I'm not sure I would even give it that much thought actually, but I'm ruled by my heart. You sound realistic about the risks of miscarriage and I think that's the main thing that I wouldn't be worrying about. It might not work out, but it might, and if it doesn't then what have you lost?

I had my youngest at 39, I'm by no means the oldest mum at the nursery gates so this think of 36 being old certainly doesn't exist where I live.

I don't think it's necessarily too old but if it is for you, then it is.

I disagree actually. I have three children, there are roughly two years ish between them all. My eldest was 4.5 when the youngest was born and I figured the middle and youngest would be closest because they are closer in age, but actually it's the eldest and youngest who are closest. They are very much playmates. They are still young now, but my DH is also five years younger than his brother and they have always been best mates and lived together as adults until DH moved in with me.

It's the personalities and interests of the people involved rather than age.

4 years older isn't too much in the grand scheme of things. I think I'd go ahead and give it a try!

And a 4-5 year age gap is great IMO - much easier for parents than a small gap. The older one is more independent and off at school in the day. You have time and energy to focus on the new baby, rather than having 2 young ones at home at the same time. And they absolutely do play together as they grow with this age gap!

Yes i've read that pregnant woman aged 35 or over are classed as geriatric mothers. I had 7 by the time i was 30 and felt old at 30 because i had started so young. I know people who've had babies in their late 30's and 40 who have been fine although a few of them did seem to be more tired but they still coped fine.
Op you already have a young child though, so you know if you feel capable of doing it again (which it sounds like you do). I say go for it, if it's meant to be it will be. You'll only regret it if you don't.
Good luck 💐

I'm sure that 'geriatric mother' thing is a myth, or maybe it's a regional thing or something.

I've had three babies all after the age of 35, I've read all my notes and not once was I referred to as a geriatric mother. I actually asked the midwife about it last time because I was nearly 40 and she said 'you? Geriatric?' and laughed.

4-5 years isn't a massive gap I agree but I have a 2 year gap and to me that was also great. Didn't have to get up to take older one to school if baby hadn't slept great, we could chill out in pj's til we wanted. And it is obviously that much closer that now they are very much into the same things, have mutual friends, has probably helped them be closer although can see how that is often due to personality rather than age.

But anyway that's a digression 😂 OP the age gap shouldn't put you off IMO

I would go for it. And I wouldn't overthink the age gap, there are advantages/disadvantages to every age gap. This is how things have turned out for you, of course you would have done it sooner , but I wouldn't let your own age put you off unless you have a health condition that might limit your lifespan.

This pretty much ^

I had my 3rd at 42 with a 9 year gap. It was the easiest of my three pregnancies and I only had a caesarean as I had previously had two. Ds3 is now 15 and in the middle of exams and whilst I would definitely say I’ve slowed down a bit and wouldn’t fancy another baby now, my brain power is still working and I have the time and patience to support his studying. He and ds2 now have a very close relationship and do a lot of activities together. More than ds1 and ds2 who are 22 months apart. I was also only the 3rd oldest mother in his primary school class.

If I were you I would go for it. It may not work but you will always know you’ve given it your best shot.

@Babdoc But I did get my Dd from my 39 year old embryo 🤷🏻‍♀️

@MissSmiley Either 3 or 5 I’m not too sure, would have to consult them, would it make a difference?

Yes I think it’s very area dependent. I live in an SE commuter town with a very high concentration of professionals who’ve moved out of London to start a family. I was pregnant for the second time at 35 and was described as ‘young’ by my midwife. I laughed and she said something like ‘at this hospital it’s probably more unusual for us to see mothers who are under 35 than over!’

One of my closest mum friends is expecting her second at 31 (having had her first at 29) and feels self-conscious because she’s always the ‘young mum’ in most groups.

Anyway - to answer your question OP - personally if I were in your shoes I would try. But I’m not you.

@Cantbelieveiusedtowatchthiscrap I think
5 day blasts have a higher success rate, having said that my eldest two children are from 2 day old frozen embryos but that was 20 and 17 years ago. We had frozen ones left after we those two and tried to put them back in a natural cycle as we couldn't face getting rid of them, it wasn't successful unfortunately but we needed to do it.

Good luck with whatever you decide, if the frozen one fails and you definitely want another baby you could always do ivf with donated eggs, I know someone who was your age when they did that, had a sibling for their first child, both parents in 40s but lovely kids and lovely family

If your general health is good and you are both up to it, I would try. No assurance the embryo will take, so let nature decide. I had my daughter at 44, she is 3.5 now and we are fine. Was running after her playing catch up round and round a water tank for half an hour yesterday, one of the dads of one of the kids there, in his thirties, said he didn´t know where I got the energy from...Having young kids keeps you young, if you let it.

It depends how you feel in yourself, I have two cousins who had more children after 40 one at 44 and 46. X

My friend is 52 and currently pregnant with her third after double donation IVF.

😳 wow, that shouldn't be allowed.
What's next, having babies at 60?
That poor kid will have an ancient mother.

I was in your position, only slightly older. We had DD by IVF when I was almost 43 after 10.5 years ttc and had some frozen embryos left over. Due to problems with DD (born premature due to me developing severe pre-eclampsia), it took me four years to summon up the courage to try again and the attempt was really just to get closure on the frozen embryos as I didn't expect the cycle to be successful. Well, it was, and I had DS when almost 47. I haven't regretted it for a moment. He is my "bonus" baby and has been great company for DD. I can't imagine life without him. I am now 58 with a 15 year old and an 11 year old and we are managing just fine.

By the way, as I understand it, the chances of success, and possible risks for the baby, are based on the age you were when you had the IVF cycle which produced the embryos, not your current age, although your age now affects possible risks to you.

Good luck if you decide to go ahead.

I think that's beyond selfish

I hope this wasn’t on the NHS. 52 years old, 2 children already and needed an egg donation? That’s a sign from nature that she shouldn’t get pregnant. The cut off point for NHS fertility treatments needs to be early 40s.

Your friend is older than my parents and I’m in my mid 20s.

*I hope this wasn’t on the NHS. 52 years old, 2 children already and needed an egg donation? That’s a sign from nature that she shouldn’t get pregnant. The cut off point for NHS fertility treatments needs to be early 40s.

Your friend is older than my parents and I’m in my mid 20s.*

I agree- 52 is madness. My mum was 52 when her first grandchild was born! It's a good age to be a grandparent, not a parent to a newborn!

The main factor in having a baby later in life is the health of the baby - your embryo was conceived hen you were 39. Tons of people have babies at 39. If you are healthy and can afford another child, I say go for it. I had IVF at 36, got pregnant and had a few in the freezer. I then tried again using the frosties and was lucky enough to have 2 more kids at age 38 and 42. I don't regret it for a minute. Good luck!

The main factor in having a baby later in life is the health of the baby - your embryo was conceived hen you were 39. Tons of people have babies at 39. If you are healthy and can afford another child, I say go for it. I had IVF at 36, got pregnant and had a few in the