I’ll be too old, won’t I?

[Cantbelieveiusedtowatchthiscrap]

I’m 44 with a 4 year old Dd. Pregnant at 39 after 9 long years ttc and losses etc.
We have one frozen embryo left, frozen from when I was 39. I need to decide what to do. Not that it’s any guarantee it would work.
I’d love to have another child and would love Dd to have a sibling.
My age is literally the only thing standing in the way.
Seems so cruel, even if I was 5 years younger, I’d feel a bit differently.

What would you do?

My friend is 52 and currently pregnant with her third after double donation IVF.

My understanding is that the clinic have bent their age rules due to covid closures, ie she planned to implant earlier but couldn’t.

Well, how well did your parents and aunties and uncles age? That's a clue to how fit you'll be when you have (if the embryo makes it to a baby) a stroppy teenager!

My OH's Mum was 42 and his Dad 47 when he came along (surprise late baby). On the one hand he had lost both parents by his early 30s. On the other hand, his parents were quite laid back and had a lot of time for him, particularly after his Dad retired! He was very loved and is a very good, level headed person.

So consider what your health and financial prospects are; whether your own parents may need care and make you a "sandwich generation" Mum run ragged between stroppy teens and stroppy oldies; and have a very careful think about prenatal testing and the realities of caring for a disabled child - make your decisions with your eyes open and being honest about what works for you personally.

I had DD1 a month before my 39th birthday, after three rounds of IVF (due to severe endometriosis). We had two remaining embryos that we used when I was 41. I got a faint BFP, but was already bleeding. We accepted that was it for us and got on with life and enjoying our amazing DD.

When I was 44 (and a half) I found out I was pregnant - naturally. It was a total shock, but we were obviously over the moon. The pregnancy was actually easier than with DD1 (I had numerous bouts of bleeding that were so worrying when we’d been through so much to get that far - I didn’t have that second time around). Not one medical professional batted an eyelid at my age.

DD2 was born three days before DD1’s 6th birthday, a month before I turned 45. They are 15 and 9 now. The age gap is great, it was easy when DD2 was a baby and DD1 was that bit older. I really wouldn’t have wanted a small age gap!

From our experience I can’t see any reason not to at least try….

You have nothing to lose

I had mine at 39 and almost 44. All is good. I would say go for it. People will talk about age related health issues but youth brings no guarantee of good health or longevity. If you are generally healthy, why not?

PS Should have read almost 45! Trying to make myself younger 😉

I think deep down you want to try. There are risks, like any pregnancy. Personally I don’t think your age is a massive issue if you feel capable.

An old embryo (39) in an older body. I wouldnt do it. Enjoy life with one healthy child.

My friend had a baby at 49. She had egg donation and it was all done privately in Spain. We are the same age. My youngest is 28 and has just become a father, her youngest is 7 this year. I think that if you are fit and healthy and want to take it all on again then it is up to you and your partner. There are pros and cons at whatever age you have a baby. There must be groups and forums for older mums who could tell you the good bits and advise you about the less good bits. My friend had every pregnancy complication possible and had a cesarean. Her daughter is fine. I had lots of complications with both my pregnancies at 27 and 28 and had a cesarean with the first.You are still in the full on stage of children so you have a far better idea of how it really is then many of us on here.

I haven’t had a chance to read the entire thread OP but to answer the question what would I do, the answer is I’d (with a very heavy heart)!decide I was done. For me it would be based on my personal experiences of having “older “ parents as well as having crappy genetic in terms of mental and physical health. My mum died when she was 60, I was 25 years old and far from ready to lose her (I know, when are you ever. But I was a late bloomer and very immature). My grandparents died when I was 14, they both reached a reasonably old age but my memories of them are in a wheelchair/care home. I watched my mum deteriorate from a young age, she slept a lot during the day, she was run down and just … her body gave up. All of the above reasons make me fight the big fight to stay healthy physically, but genetic play their role and I’m conscious my daughter arrived quite late (for me). I was 30 when I had her.

I totally appreciate for some that isn’t late, but for the above reasons that’s how I feel.

Good luck in YOUR decision.

I think as you have a young child I would go for it.
If you had teenagers or older child, I wouldn't.

Go for it, op!

I couldn't imagine it at 44 myself, when I'm 44 my DC will be 20 and 18. Mid 20s was the perfect time for me. But it's different for everyone.

Good luck whatever you decide to do OP.

I would do it.

I had mine at 40 (delay by choice) and I don't see that 5 years makes much difference.
Honestly it's not a problem when they are children. It's more when they are older. Even then if you are fit and healthy (as we all think we'll be but you never know) it's fine.
So menopause coincides with puberty. That can be a bit of a challenge.
Mine were at uni when we were both retired, that's fine if money is not a problem.
My mum died when I was 62. It's likely my DC will lose one or both parents in their 20s or 30s at the latest.
In hindsight I would have chosen to have DC in my mid 30s but it doesn't mean I wouldn't have had them at all.

I'm 40 and want another. Problems with the baby worry me most. My physical abilities also are a concern but I need/plan to become a lot fitter via physical exercise. It would be an injustice to my child not to.

I'm talking about mitigating the things that would make having a child later in life a bad idea.

It really depends on e.g.:

(a) you and your OH's likely physical & mental health over the next say 20 years;
(b) your prospects for financial prosperity over the next say 20 years;
(c) the financial cost of fertility treatment;
(d) how happy you think your DD is going to be as an only child - though bear in mind of course that your two kids would be 5 years apart in age, e.g. 5 and 10, 14 and 20, etc, they'll never be 'two peas in a pod'.

44 is, at the risk of stating the obvious, really quite old in lots of ways including the chance to have a really good relationship with/play a really meaningful role in raising any future grandchildren, etc, there might also be some issues down the line in terms of being able to afford to help with university fees etc.

With the best will in the world, the best diet and fitness regime, you can't plan or predict future health.
I was in the peak of health at 40, fit, active and youthful. My family are long lived. I developed a debilitating illness at 58 and had breast cancer at 60.

I do agree re age gap though. A five year gap is fine for adult siblings but they wouldn't have much common ground as children.

I'd go for.it. The embryo was created from your eggs when you were younger. The only 'issue' is you being an older mum but I don't see that as an issue at all. Best of luck.

@Cantbelieveiusedtowatchthiscrap, yes because of placenta issues, as well as other factors. The embryo would be an earlier loss if it was to do with that. As said think about how your relatives age etc. As for the age gap, I have a ten year age gap and my DD's have a very close relationship. It was my elder DD that took my middle one (20 years younger) to their first abroad concert/festival/Amsterdam trip etc.

@Cantbelieveiusedtowatchthiscrap is it a 5 day blastocyst you have frozen?

i agree that your health can always take an unexpected downturn, but if it already appears to be going downhill at say 45 then it's imo unlikely to improve.

A 4+ year age gap is quite big. They wouldn’t be play mates. A 10yo won’t want to do the same things as a 5 yo. Same with a 15yo and 10yo and so on. My friend has older parents (mid 40s when they had her) whilst mine were in their early 20s. Her parents are 70 now and she’s worried about them.

There are also risks to the mum and baby (SEND) that increase for 35+ yo women.

I would go for it

It may not work out but you have a chance

Hi there! I had my daughter at 40 with embryos created when I was 39. We had four left and after two natural miscarriages and delaying due to Covid etc I had 2 rounds last year at 44 and then 45. Unfortunately none of the embryos worked but I felt I had to try despite my age because otherwise i would have always felt ‘what if’. It’s not easy having it fail but I don’t regret trying. Good luck 😊