I’ll be too old, won’t I?

[Cantbelieveiusedtowatchthiscrap]

I’m 44 with a 4 year old Dd. Pregnant at 39 after 9 long years ttc and losses etc.
We have one frozen embryo left, frozen from when I was 39. I need to decide what to do. Not that it’s any guarantee it would work.
I’d love to have another child and would love Dd to have a sibling.
My age is literally the only thing standing in the way.
Seems so cruel, even if I was 5 years younger, I’d feel a bit differently.

What would you do?

I don't think 36 or early 40s is too old btw. I wouldn't myself but that's because I've had a disabling health condition suddenly come on when I was 38 and I can't physically do a lot of things anymore and find caring for myself hard. Other women manage great and if you have the means and the health and it's something you want then go for it.

My 6yo has a friend at school who's dad is 51. They also have a 2 year old. He seems to love it.
No one can tell you what to do, but if you feel as though you'd regret not trying (and have enough money) I'd give it a go.

I've just done this - second baby just been born. It has been the best decision we have ever made. We are now complete as a family, and I feel no older now than I did in my 30s. Fingers crossed for you.

@Cantbelieveiusedtowatchthiscrap Article about those posh tests you relied on last time but won't this time 😉

www.nytimes.com/2022/01/01/upshot/pregnancy-birth-genetic-testing.html

@SerendipitySunshine Congratulations! How old are you and your kids if you don’t mind me asking?

Almost 44 and 38 first time round. We did the transfer expecting it to fail, so everything since has been unbelievable. I'm so glad we did it.

I'm 41 and I'd dearly like another but feel too old. And tired. My friend had her first (twins) at 46 and she makes it look easy.

What can you live with? The guilt of being too old, or the regret of not going for it?

I had my only ds at 45 and he's brilliant, so I'm biased.

You have to decide for yourself. I took the decision that if I was going to do it, I was never going to embarrass him by being an 'old' mum so I've maintained fitness and energy. He's a teen now but I can still outcycle him, just. I can certainly keep up. I work full time, I'm no different than woman a few years younger. I don't feel any different.

I was told by the midwife I was an older mum at 36. It was considered old for first time mums and not that long ago. The advice was to have your kids before 35. Having said that, I would go for it at 44, rather do it now than wish you had in a few years time when it is too late.

Go for it!

My GM was your age, natural conception, gave birth to my Mum. Yes her and GF were older but they didn't regret it and my Mum felt loved and wanted and did not resent having older parents. Only downside is that I never met my GF.

In my friend group having kids in your 40s is normal. For me, my cut off was 35. I could not face having newborns at this stage of life and then dealing with the difficult years in my 50s/60s. So for me it would not even be a consideration, but it is not unusual and so if you feel you can then go for it. Don't worry what others think. I don't think badly of my friends just starting now I just think I'm glad it isn't me. Everyone has their own path.

@SerendipitySunshine ❤️

@Apollonia1 this is lovely 🥰

My cousin had her first at 40, second at 44. Both natural conception. Two healthy kids, her youngest is 13. I think its kept her young, she definitely looks nowhere near her age.

I think as long as you're healthy then why not. I had my first at 39. And ttc #2 aged 40. Ideally I would have had them earlier but due to infertility it didn't happen that way.

@littlefoot20 thanks! :)
I should add, I've four siblings, and 3 teenage nieces/nephews, so my parents didn't have to wait till their 90s to become grandparents.

If I were you I’d do it.

You’ve got the embryo so you might as well go for it! You’re bringing up a young child anyway. It’s not like you’re way past the little stage.

@Oceanus please tell me you are not medical because your post is a load of baloney not to mention offensive. An amino or other tests are personal choice.

My mum had me at 42 and my sister at 44. We seem to have kept her young and she still babysits my twins for the day even at 75. I’m so close with my sister and I’m so glad my mum chose to have her.

Obviously there’s a chance you may suffer a loss but that is true of all pregnancies, especially sadly IVF ones. I think you need to decide whether a loss or potential regret would be more upsetting for you. If it was me I’d try but only you can make that choice.

I live in a town where there are a huge number of mothers are over the age of 40 ( challenging careers that got in the way of having kids young) Their kids seem happy and healthy, and the mums happy too. Go for it !

I have 2 embryos left frozen after twins a year ago. I'd like to transfer them. My personal cut off is 40 though. I know I have twins but I'm so much more tired at 37 as I was at 32 with my first. Also your eldest is getting to an age where they probably take up more time than a baby will - my 5 year old wants to talk all the time, then there's homework, clubs, parties, it's relentless and I already feel bad when I'm short with her because I'm tired let alone potentially being 44/45 with a newborn.

I personally think it's too old

Was there a reason why you waited 4-5 years - most people I know did another FET within 12 months of giving birth at your age?

@breatheintheamazing I stated why. The clinic closed during the pandemic, everything stopped, then I had long covid and couldn’t think of anything else to add to the struggle I was already going through.
Just before covid hit, I was preparing to go in for my next appointment, Dd was 1.5, it could’ve been perfect, life doesn’t always go to plan.

@breatheintheamazing You are also v fortunate to already have 3 children, you’re in a different situation to me

OP, if you want to try it, you need to do so as soon as possible. But please don’t pin too much hope on it working - the odds are very much against you, and you need to weigh up whether you can cope with the disappointment and sadness if it fails to implant or ends in a later miscarriage. Would that be worse than not trying at all? Only you can answer that.

If it were me I'd try.

As you say, there's no guarantee so let fate decide. 44 is not too old to be a second time mum, and certainly not selfish. As you already had your first a little later in life you know the drill- if you think you can cope then go ahead.