Firstly apologies for the length of this post, I’ve never told anyone about any of this and now I’ve written it… it’s a lot!
So first, some background… I’ve been married for 15 years and we have 4 children together aged 15, 9, 7 and 2.
DH had an awful childhood and has suspected adhd and autism, got together young, had a baby quickly and basically stuck it out, don’t get me wrong we have had good times scattered in it I’m ashamed to say I’ve made many excuses and allowed myself to be treated very poorly over the years, I’ve never told a soul what my real life is like….
Our middle two children were diagnosed with adhd and autism a few years ago now and are half at home, home schooled by myself and half in a mainstream school. I suspect my youngest is also on the spectrum and although they’re all amazing, nobody knows I do EVERYTHING alone. My DH wouldn’t even know where their clothes were. He flounces out of the house whenever he wants, to see friends, to go to the gym. Occasionally to work…. Me? I would have to ‘ask’ weeks in advance if he would look after his own children, then he would claim I didn’t ask and I would worry that he would loose his temper. So simply, wherever I am, they are. My mum is great and will have them but she often questions why my DH hasn’t had them… I lie and say he’s in work. I’m too embarrassed to tell the truth. I worked hard to get a degree and work part time (from home) ironically as I counsellor, I feel like a fraud when my life is one massive ball of anxiety and lies... my friends and family would swear I was happy, the only thing that gives me joy is my children.
I pay for EVERYTHING alone, any money he gets, he keeps and buys ridiculous things like a £600 remote control car, so many clothes… whilst I walk around in the same clothes I’ve had for years and struggle with bills.
Nobody knows I’ve had years of walking on egg shells and I’m ashamed to say so have my children. His temper, attitude, name calling (to me) and general disinterest in our children has recently been eating me up, I feel deep resentment and can’t get my head around why he can’t see how amazing they are. I hear them trying to talk to him, desperately trying to gain a connection, he’s looking at his phone barely even glancing up. It hurts me so much. I feel I’ve let him get away with so much due to his past and his own issues but where do I draw the line? They are the most precious gift and I put every ounce of my being into trying to be mum and dad, repair the damage he’s done in anger and I’m fed up. Countless meetings and appointments I’ve done alone, we go out daily and he hasn’t come out with us for literally years. We go to theme parks, the beach, the zoo… everywhere… without him. The kids are used to it now but I always feel embarrassed when people ask where he is, I just lie.
I go on holiday tomorrow (only 3 hours away to a lodge) and he’s decided last week he’s not coming! He has a few days of work he just can’t possibly get out of… My child mentioned this to my mum
today and she was so shocked and perplexed (she has no idea we aren’t the perfect team) It makes no difference to me because I do it all alone anyway. In fact I’m looking forward to not being on edge all the time, worried about what mood he’s in or his reaction to the slightest thing. Why do I stay? The truth is, sometimes he can be amazing, he listens and understands and I’m tricked into thinking all will be ok. The next day, BAM. Ignored and left to struggle alone, all the promises already broken.
So… Today my disabled child who is 7 was arguing with their sibling who is 15, just a bit of winding up as siblings do. Well DH lost it. He was shouting so much he lost his voice, I was out packing my car for tomorrow and heard shouting, when I rushed in my 7 year old was being screamed at to wipe up a drink he had accidentally knocked over when leaving the room after being separated from his sibling, my DS calmly said he was getting kitchen roll to clean it but his dad just kept shouting louder and saying ‘clean it now!!!!’ Creating more and more anxiety my sweet son was confused and upset and I stepped in and said ‘what is happening? You need to step out of this situation, you’ve lost control’
Then my son shouted ‘I’m doing it now!’ In pure frustration and DH grabbed him by the neck off the t shirt, pushed him back and shouted whilst pointing in his face not to be cheeky or he would take him upstairs and ‘give him a good hiding’….
I am completely against hitting children and have NEVER done this, DH has many years ago having been hit himself as a child, but thankfully saw the error of his ways after I persuaded him seek psychological help (not by me!) to deal with his own anger, which leads to him taking it out on a child.
Anyway at this point I guided my poor son to his room to safety and calmly (but seething inside) told my DH that I’m going away for one week with the children and when I get back, I don’t want him in the house. I am absolutely disgusted that he could do this to our poor defenceless child and no matter how many years, children and history we have, I’m no longer going to make excuses for this behaviour.
He said I’m a heartless scumbag for giving him just a week, and he’s going to tell everyone so. I said I wonder what everyone will say when they find out why… our marriage has been dead for years, no intimacy, just pure resentment. I own the house, bought just before we met with inheritance money. It’s in my name only but it’s always been our home. He has no money or family to rely on and I’ve said in the past I would help him to get a place, that still stands. I just feel like I can’t have him around the children, who are now even more anxious around him than ever. I never once said he needs to take his things etc, we just need him physically gone. I used to worry myself sick about what would happen to him if he wasn’t at home but I now realise I have four children to care for, he is not one of them.
He has since walked out of the house without a word, who knows when or if he will return?! I haven’t contacted him and certainly won’t… I couldn’t care less at this point…
Am I being unreasonable?!!