7 days to leave the family home…

[Fearless5]

Firstly apologies for the length of this post, I’ve never told anyone about any of this and now I’ve written it… it’s a lot!

So first, some background… I’ve been married for 15 years and we have 4 children together aged 15, 9, 7 and 2.
DH had an awful childhood and has suspected adhd and autism, got together young, had a baby quickly and basically stuck it out, don’t get me wrong we have had good times scattered in it I’m ashamed to say I’ve made many excuses and allowed myself to be treated very poorly over the years, I’ve never told a soul what my real life is like….

Our middle two children were diagnosed with adhd and autism a few years ago now and are half at home, home schooled by myself and half in a mainstream school. I suspect my youngest is also on the spectrum and although they’re all amazing, nobody knows I do EVERYTHING alone. My DH wouldn’t even know where their clothes were. He flounces out of the house whenever he wants, to see friends, to go to the gym. Occasionally to work…. Me? I would have to ‘ask’ weeks in advance if he would look after his own children, then he would claim I didn’t ask and I would worry that he would loose his temper. So simply, wherever I am, they are. My mum is great and will have them but she often questions why my DH hasn’t had them… I lie and say he’s in work. I’m too embarrassed to tell the truth. I worked hard to get a degree and work part time (from home) ironically as I counsellor, I feel like a fraud when my life is one massive ball of anxiety and lies... my friends and family would swear I was happy, the only thing that gives me joy is my children.
I pay for EVERYTHING alone, any money he gets, he keeps and buys ridiculous things like a £600 remote control car, so many clothes… whilst I walk around in the same clothes I’ve had for years and struggle with bills.

Nobody knows I’ve had years of walking on egg shells and I’m ashamed to say so have my children. His temper, attitude, name calling (to me) and general disinterest in our children has recently been eating me up, I feel deep resentment and can’t get my head around why he can’t see how amazing they are. I hear them trying to talk to him, desperately trying to gain a connection, he’s looking at his phone barely even glancing up. It hurts me so much. I feel I’ve let him get away with so much due to his past and his own issues but where do I draw the line? They are the most precious gift and I put every ounce of my being into trying to be mum and dad, repair the damage he’s done in anger and I’m fed up. Countless meetings and appointments I’ve done alone, we go out daily and he hasn’t come out with us for literally years. We go to theme parks, the beach, the zoo… everywhere… without him. The kids are used to it now but I always feel embarrassed when people ask where he is, I just lie.
I go on holiday tomorrow (only 3 hours away to a lodge) and he’s decided last week he’s not coming! He has a few days of work he just can’t possibly get out of… My child mentioned this to my mum
today and she was so shocked and perplexed (she has no idea we aren’t the perfect team) It makes no difference to me because I do it all alone anyway. In fact I’m looking forward to not being on edge all the time, worried about what mood he’s in or his reaction to the slightest thing. Why do I stay? The truth is, sometimes he can be amazing, he listens and understands and I’m tricked into thinking all will be ok. The next day, BAM. Ignored and left to struggle alone, all the promises already broken.

So… Today my disabled child who is 7 was arguing with their sibling who is 15, just a bit of winding up as siblings do. Well DH lost it. He was shouting so much he lost his voice, I was out packing my car for tomorrow and heard shouting, when I rushed in my 7 year old was being screamed at to wipe up a drink he had accidentally knocked over when leaving the room after being separated from his sibling, my DS calmly said he was getting kitchen roll to clean it but his dad just kept shouting louder and saying ‘clean it now!!!!’ Creating more and more anxiety my sweet son was confused and upset and I stepped in and said ‘what is happening? You need to step out of this situation, you’ve lost control’
Then my son shouted ‘I’m doing it now!’ In pure frustration and DH grabbed him by the neck off the t shirt, pushed him back and shouted whilst pointing in his face not to be cheeky or he would take him upstairs and ‘give him a good hiding’….
I am completely against hitting children and have NEVER done this, DH has many years ago having been hit himself as a child, but thankfully saw the error of his ways after I persuaded him seek psychological help (not by me!) to deal with his own anger, which leads to him taking it out on a child.
Anyway at this point I guided my poor son to his room to safety and calmly (but seething inside) told my DH that I’m going away for one week with the children and when I get back, I don’t want him in the house. I am absolutely disgusted that he could do this to our poor defenceless child and no matter how many years, children and history we have, I’m no longer going to make excuses for this behaviour.

He said I’m a heartless scumbag for giving him just a week, and he’s going to tell everyone so. I said I wonder what everyone will say when they find out why… our marriage has been dead for years, no intimacy, just pure resentment. I own the house, bought just before we met with inheritance money. It’s in my name only but it’s always been our home. He has no money or family to rely on and I’ve said in the past I would help him to get a place, that still stands. I just feel like I can’t have him around the children, who are now even more anxious around him than ever. I never once said he needs to take his things etc, we just need him physically gone. I used to worry myself sick about what would happen to him if he wasn’t at home but I now realise I have four children to care for, he is not one of them.

He has since walked out of the house without a word, who knows when or if he will return?! I haven’t contacted him and certainly won’t… I couldn’t care less at this point…

Am I being unreasonable?!!

So much bad advice of this thread.

I'm on your side op. My daughter was the victim of domestic abuse. That's why I know about some of the legalities and registering home rights. I know how awful and how hard it is, but you really need expert advice.

Some of the posts on here are just plain wrong and you can't rely on them.

Yes go on holiday

But also get the solicitors lined up and grab any documentation to a place of security before you go including:
Bank statements. Print them now.
Pension statements. Take copies of his
The kids passports. A picture or photocopy of his passport including passport number
Kids birth certificates
Anything relating to child benefit

Also Empty joint accounts (for holiday spending money you understand 😉)

Now that you are separated
You should claim child maintenance from him & investigate if you are entitled to universal credit & other benefits

Start the divorce when you return

See a solicitor

No more covering up what he doesn't do
Tell the truth

Agree with other posters - lawyer up ASAP. Tell your mum and your friends the truth about how things have been. You have been effectively a single parent for years, with the added complication of a malignant presence who didn't contribute financially, emotionally or or practically...you are going to feel so free! Well done, you have done the right thing.

OP,

Please help yourself and stop with all the lies that protect this man.

Go to the police and tell them about the abuse of you and your children.

Get help getting him out.

He has behaved this way for so long because of the lies that protect him.

Please focus on protecting those poor children now.

They have enough challenges without being terrorised in their home.

Start with your mother, Women's aid, the police, legal advice.

You can do this.

You can’t if you are married.
50 50.
Hence why if one owns a house , it’s automatically shared upon marriage.

If you absolutely have to go, take your crucial paperwork with you, take passports with you, take all available cash with you (does he have access to accounts?), take photographs of every room and get anything precious out if the house.

I would be reporting the assault to your DC to SS. You need to show you are doing everything possible to protect your DC.

For those saying change the locks, clear the joint account etc, I assume you would be up in arms if the husband did this.

Of course he can.

All money is a marital asset.

Honestly the amount of pure drivel people spout on these threads is unreal.

I really do think you need to report his behaviour too your son to the police first of all. Best of luck with all of this and well done for standing up for your kids.

This is completely wrong. OP would be in serious trouble if she did this.

I’ve got nothing to add which hasn’t been said but with regards to his threat of telling everyone how horrible you’ve been, it’s almost laughable. People that know you will know that he’s not been on days out or holidays or sports day or or or anything of the other family things. And he not suddenly going to start being the ideal father when he lives in a different home.

rhe practical things are important, you and your kids feelings are most important but worry about any fallout will just add to it. I’ve been so anxious about losing people because “I’ll tell everyone what your like”. A level head knows it’s a stupid threat but only distance tells you that.

also months and years down the line you’ll be amazed in the change in your family. You won’t be this stressed forever.

Are rules different in respect of marital assets in different parts of UK?

But you won’t have to sell til kids are much older.

That’s not a given. You can apply for a mesher order but they’re not automatically granted in fact they’re becoming increasingly uncommon as it’s considered to be best to get a clean break settlement on divorce.

Get the abusive bastard out now.

Can't believe how long you've put up with this already.

And tell people - start talking - it will make it harder to take him back in a weak moment and other people will be (rightly) horrified and you'll start to realise how terrible things have been.

It is indicative of you being abused for years that you even ask if YABU - he has done a right number on you.

I know you think you have covered for him, but your family and friends will have an idea of what things have been like for you. I made excuses for my ExDH for years. He was emotionally abusive and contributed very little. But everyone suspected, and loads of people have said they hated how he treated me. He was so narcissistic that he honestly believed all my family and friends would side with him after the split and was very offended they didn't. He became very nasty. So prepare yourslef for everything OP. Definitely expect the worst.

He sounds awful!
But I fear the house, despite being in your name only and you having paid for it, will still count as a "marital asset" as you are married to him (unless you had it legally ringfenced at any point), so you definitely need to speak to a solicitor ASAP about all of this.
Good luck - you sound far better off without him!

You cannot change the locks.
Can you move the holiday?
You need to tell people what has been happening.
If you go on holiday, take all documents with you, get copies of everything.
Can a friend, your mum live in the house while you aren’t there?

Does he leave the house every day? If so, I'd be tempted to tell your DC you can't go away a the moment (I know they'll be upset), then as soon as he's out of the house get the locks changed and all your holiday things packed up.

I wouldn't trust him. If he feels your starting to retaliate and there's absolutely nothing in the relationship, he'll start looking out for himself.

The house was the OPs before they met so is not a marital asset. However, OP I would be very careful about going away and leaving him with access to the house.

Do you work, OP? You say you pay for everything.
If he doesn’t work (much), he might claim that he is the SAHP and then claim maintenance and share of pension etc from you. Be careful.

Op please tell your mum exactly what's been going on - be honest with her. She will want to help you. Tell everyone what he's like.

@Rosscameasdoody in English Law it would normally be treated as a marital asset. This is why, if you come into a relationship with substantially more assets than your partner it’s not always a good idea to get married

Any non-matrimonial property, inherited assets and other assets which were already owned by one party prior to the marriage are called pre-marital assets and are treated as distinct to joint finances for purposes of divorce; as such they will often not be counted as part of the matrimonial pot and may instead be retained in full by the relevant party.

The rationale behind this distinction was set out in the case of White v. White, in which the court acknowledged the view, widely but not universally held, that property owned by one spouse before the marriage, and inherited property whenever acquired, stand on a different footing from what may be loosely called matrimonial property.

But whether or not a court will decide to exclude property owned before marriage from the matrimonial pot depends on various case-specific facts, including:

Passage of time – in a lengthy marriage, where either party owned property before getting married, this property may gradually come to be viewed as matrimonial property (Miller v. Miller), even if it is not used as the matrimonial home, especially if it is not kept separate (see ‘mingling of property’ below).
Mingling of property – where a property was bought before marriage, it can end up being mingled with matrimonial property over time (eg if it is used as a family holiday home or income generated from it is used within the marriage). The more mingling that occurs (and the greater passage of time), the more likely that property owned before marriage will be added to the matrimonial pot for purposes of calculating a divorce settlement.

If property owned before marriage is considered to be marital property (see above) it will be added to the matrimonial pot. It will then be divided between the divorcing couple, according to the circumstances.

The starting point is generally a 50:50 split, but the court will consider section 25 of the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973 which sets out the various factors that should be taken into account when deciding how assets should be divided - for example the welfare of any children under the age of 18 (this is the primary consideration), income, earning capacity, property and other financial resources which each of the parties to the marriage has or is likely to have in the foreseeable future, the financial needs, obligations and responsibilities which each of the parties to the marriage has or is likely to have in the foreseeable future, the standard of living enjoyed by the family before the breakdown of the marriage; and the age of each party to the marriage and the duration of the marriage.

Once the court has determined the weight of these factors, it will come to a decision regarding the split of the matrimonial pot.

Any property owned before marriage may need to be sold and the proceeds divided in order to ensure an equitable split.

While the divorce process is still ongoing, regardless of whether the property was bought before marriage spouses have ‘home rights’ in their shared matrimonial home – even if this consists of property that was owned by one party before the marriage.

Essentially, this means that both spouses have a right to live in the property until the divorce has been finalised and a court settlement has been agreed upon.

The house was the OPs before they met so is not a marital asset. However, OP I would be very careful about going away and leaving him with access to the house. yes it is a marital asset. Everything becomes a joint asset on marriage, so it is irrelevant that the OP owned it beforehand.

There are posters on here who managed to obtain more than 50% of the value of the marital home which was their husband’s before they were married.