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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stay at conference hotel alone

202 replies

norfolkbroads · 22/05/2022 15:44

In a few weeks I am going to a conference/weekend event related to a hobby of mine. It's just over an hour away from where I live with my parents (I'm early 20s) while I'm saving to move out. The event lasts a couple of days and I had originally planned to drive back and forth each day. However, I have now booked a single room in a hotel near to the conference venue as I got a good deal and not having to travel will enable me to get more from the conference.

AIBU to consider staying there alone? I have friends who will also be attending the conference, so I will be with them during it, but they will not be staying with me at the hotel for the two nights. My parents are still pretty involved in what I'm up to (a slight bone of contention on my part!) but I haven't told them about my plans yet as I am worried they will be anxious about it and try to discourage me. The hotel is in a safe area and has good reviews online.

OP posts:
Libertaire · 22/05/2022 16:46

DontBlameMe79 · 22/05/2022 16:28

It’s worth taking some precautions when doing this as a single female. I’ve stayed in business hotels in many places and have run into sleazy characters time and time again.

I avoid eating alone in a restaurant if they have one and use room service.
Never go to the bar alone.
I carry a small rubber wedge that I put under the door at night, as well as using the hotel deadlock.
Never accept a ground floor room
Don’t answer an unexpected knock on the door
Be wary of hotel car parks - they can be quiet and poorly lit
Don’t drink at the event (or minimally),
Be very careful of men you meet at the event. For many of them, a conference away from home is party time, so avoid solitary situations.

With appropriate precautions on the balance of probabilities you’ll be fine, but it’s not a no risk thing to do.

WTF?

There is no way I would ever want to live my life governed by this level of ridiculous fear & paranoia.

Pre-pandemic, I used to travel quite a bit for work & stayed in chain hotels all the time. I didn’t do any of this stuff, and I never felt vulnerable staying in a Premier Inn, or wherever, on my own. In fact I loved wandering off around town to find somewhere interesting to eat alone & read my book.

lameasahorse · 22/05/2022 16:50

This reply has been withdrawn

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itsgettingweird · 22/05/2022 16:50

Of course it's not unreasonable.

At your age I was living and working abroad. I lived with people who worked for same company but we never met until housemates.

I travelled alone and stayed alone before flights etc.

Persephoned · 22/05/2022 16:52

I have travelled in the UK and internationally on my own for years, and have never done any of the things @DontBlameMe79 suggests. I certainly wouldn’t avoid the bar and restaurant, that’s madness!

OP staying in a hotel is a very reasonable and completely normal thing to do. Enjoy your event!

OutDamnedSpot · 22/05/2022 16:52

This shouldn’t even be a question. You’re an adult. Staying in hotels is a perfectly normal thing to do. Your parents shouldn’t even bat an eyelid over it. If they do, it says more about them than about your perfectly sensible plan.

lameasahorse · 22/05/2022 16:54

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

wonkylegs · 22/05/2022 16:55

DontBlameMe79 · 22/05/2022 16:28

It’s worth taking some precautions when doing this as a single female. I’ve stayed in business hotels in many places and have run into sleazy characters time and time again.

I avoid eating alone in a restaurant if they have one and use room service.
Never go to the bar alone.
I carry a small rubber wedge that I put under the door at night, as well as using the hotel deadlock.
Never accept a ground floor room
Don’t answer an unexpected knock on the door
Be wary of hotel car parks - they can be quiet and poorly lit
Don’t drink at the event (or minimally),
Be very careful of men you meet at the event. For many of them, a conference away from home is party time, so avoid solitary situations.

With appropriate precautions on the balance of probabilities you’ll be fine, but it’s not a no risk thing to do.

This basically amounts to don't do anything .... The world can be a shit place sometimes but this is an over the top reaction.
OP enjoy your trip.
Many many women travel at your age and younger. Hundreds of thousands of young women move away and go to uni.
I worked & travelled for 4m in the USA when I was 17, then went to uni at the other end of the country. I have travelled all round the world for work on my own.
It's part of being an adult.
Just be sensible, be aware of your surroundings and have a good time.
Your parents have nothing to do with it. They may be worried but they need to let go.

lameasahorse · 22/05/2022 17:02

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Womencanlift · 22/05/2022 17:05

Another who worked away a lot pre pandemic and lived in a hotel at least half a week for over 8 years.

If my parents had an issue with it they would be put firmly in their place

And as for that list above, it is not standard corporate best practice in any company I have worked in. Part of the fun is finding a nice place to eat after work and a lot of times I would be on my own.

OP it is not normal for parents to be that involved in their children’s lives when they are an adult. Interested in what they are doing, yes, being overly anxious that you are questioning your decisions, not normal at all

DontBlameMe79 · 22/05/2022 17:13

I’m surprised such simple precautions got such a reaction as it really is standard advice and I was trying to be helpful to a new traveller. It may be unpalatable that we should need to take precautions - I find it objectionable myself, but better that than a possibility life changing experience.

It’s called taking responsibility for your own safety and well-being rather than drifting along hoping everything will be alright.

I don’t get MN sometimes. Endless threads about how we cant trust men then ones like this that basically say you can trust a hotel full of boozed up male conference delegates on their first post COVID trip away from their DPs. Naive would be an understatement.

Original poster
norfolkbroads · 22/05/2022 17:14

Thanks everyone for your replies, good to hear your perspectives!

I'm not particularly anxious about it myself, I'm more anxious about my parents being anxious to be honest. I spent six months living in Europe alone but I stayed in gated student accommodation as opposed to sharing a normal flat and my parents were a bit happier about my safety that way.

I'm realising that they can be a bit controlling at times but I think it's from a wanting to be safe point of view. Particularly as I'm a young female, whereas they would probably be less concerned if I was male. They might consider my "taking off" and staying in a hotel to go to a conference on my own a bit wild, particularly as I won't have given them much time to get used to the idea in advance of my plans. But I'm feeling reassured that what I'm planning is reasonable, that I should try not to worry about what they'll think and just enjoy myself!

OP posts:
ahwobabob · 22/05/2022 17:18

Life is short, live your life! It's an overnight hotel stay were talking about here, time to cut those restrictive apron strings...

NerrSnerr · 22/05/2022 17:22

They might consider my "taking off" and staying in a hotel to go to a conference on my own a bit wild, particularly as I won't have given them much time to get used to the idea in advance of my plans.

This really isn't normal. You could be travelling all over the world with very little notice for work at your age. They shouldn't need time to get used to the idea of an adult staying in a hotel.

When I was in my early 20s my parents wouldn't have known half the times I stayed in a hotel, alone or not.

Jellycatspyjamas · 22/05/2022 17:22

I’ve just spent a week at a conference abroad on my own - it’s been incredibly liberating and I got such a lot out of being there. Do it, you’ll have a ball.

Pennox · 22/05/2022 17:24

This is totally normal for professional women. You'll enjoy the freedom.

MajorCarolDanvers · 22/05/2022 17:24

I stay in hotels by myself 6-8 nights a month.

I go the restaurant, bar, gym. I leave the hotel and go to the cinema or theatre by myself too. Sometimes I go for a walk in the local area to explore.

I am a grown adult.

I find some of the responses on this thread frankly batshit. I bet they are the same people freaking out on the walking across a field thread.

Momicrone · 22/05/2022 17:26

Haha yes I hope the hotel has no menacing fields near it

EileenGC · 22/05/2022 17:27

NerrSnerr · 22/05/2022 17:22

They might consider my "taking off" and staying in a hotel to go to a conference on my own a bit wild, particularly as I won't have given them much time to get used to the idea in advance of my plans.

This really isn't normal. You could be travelling all over the world with very little notice for work at your age. They shouldn't need time to get used to the idea of an adult staying in a hotel.

When I was in my early 20s my parents wouldn't have known half the times I stayed in a hotel, alone or not.

Exactly this. I often get 2-3 days’ notice for trips abroad and often don’t get the chance to mention it to my parents (who are thousands of miles away to start with).

I’ll be texting my mum about X and she’ll say ‘oh I hope work was good today’ and I’ll reply with ‘actually I just arrived at the airport, last minute trip to [insert random country] today’. She doesn’t have to ‘get used’ to it.

My 17yo brother is currently planning his move abroad for uni too. My parents are advising when asked about it but staying out of it otherwise.

Pennox · 22/05/2022 17:27

Me too. I love it. It's great being anonymous and people watching. Don't go to the bar? Fuck that! That's bthe first place I head, normally with my laptop, and have a nice G and T. Yes you do getvaleazes trying to chat women up sometimes. So what? Ignore them, sit by other people or put headphones in.

150poundrebate · 22/05/2022 17:27

norfolkbroads · 22/05/2022 17:14

Thanks everyone for your replies, good to hear your perspectives!

I'm not particularly anxious about it myself, I'm more anxious about my parents being anxious to be honest. I spent six months living in Europe alone but I stayed in gated student accommodation as opposed to sharing a normal flat and my parents were a bit happier about my safety that way.

I'm realising that they can be a bit controlling at times but I think it's from a wanting to be safe point of view. Particularly as I'm a young female, whereas they would probably be less concerned if I was male. They might consider my "taking off" and staying in a hotel to go to a conference on my own a bit wild, particularly as I won't have given them much time to get used to the idea in advance of my plans. But I'm feeling reassured that what I'm planning is reasonable, that I should try not to worry about what they'll think and just enjoy myself!

They might consider my "taking off" and staying in a hotel to go to a conference on my own a bit wild, particularly as I won't have given them much time to get used to the idea in advance of my plans.

You must see that this is a bit nuts? I’m sure your parents are lovely people, but they seem to be living in a different century. You're an adult, stop allowing this.

Presumably you’ve got friends your age? I’d this how they live? Giving their parents time to get used to them doing perfectly normal things and worrying about being thought ‘a bit wild’, like it’s 1952?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/05/2022 17:30

@DontBlameMe79

Sorry but you sounds like the most paranoid woman ever.

You carry around a plastic wedge?

Do you not just lock the door?

orwellwasright · 22/05/2022 17:36

*it really is standard advice"

It really, really isn't. It's paranoid nonsense. Why can't a woman eat in a hotel restaurant?? She's not going to get raped waiting for that machine to spit her toast out.

Have a word with yourself, for goodness sake.

ImplementingTheDennisSystem · 22/05/2022 17:36

OP, you do realise that people of your age and younger go backpacking all over the world on their own?!
Two nights in a conference hotel? I think you'll survive.

DontBlameMe79 · 22/05/2022 17:36

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/05/2022 17:30

@DontBlameMe79

Sorry but you sounds like the most paranoid woman ever.

You carry around a plastic wedge?

Do you not just lock the door?

Yes I do carry the wedge. It was actually part of a travel safety kit that my then employer issued us during some trading. As were the safety tips I offered.

AngelinaFibres · 22/05/2022 17:37

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/05/2022 17:30

@DontBlameMe79

Sorry but you sounds like the most paranoid woman ever.

You carry around a plastic wedge?

Do you not just lock the door?

Actually plastic wedge is a brilliant idea. A door can be broken, or key copied. A 50p rubber wedge under the door means no one can get in no matter what they do to the door. I always travel with one. It's the first item mentioned on websites for women travelling alone. It's not paranoid. It's just a thing that costs 50p that could stop a situation you don't want to happen.