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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stay at conference hotel alone

202 replies

norfolkbroads · 22/05/2022 15:44

In a few weeks I am going to a conference/weekend event related to a hobby of mine. It's just over an hour away from where I live with my parents (I'm early 20s) while I'm saving to move out. The event lasts a couple of days and I had originally planned to drive back and forth each day. However, I have now booked a single room in a hotel near to the conference venue as I got a good deal and not having to travel will enable me to get more from the conference.

AIBU to consider staying there alone? I have friends who will also be attending the conference, so I will be with them during it, but they will not be staying with me at the hotel for the two nights. My parents are still pretty involved in what I'm up to (a slight bone of contention on my part!) but I haven't told them about my plans yet as I am worried they will be anxious about it and try to discourage me. The hotel is in a safe area and has good reviews online.

OP posts:
CapMarvel · 22/05/2022 16:09

You are a grown woman, why would you care what your parents think about it?

Libertaire · 22/05/2022 16:09

you could tell them you’re staying with a friend if you think they will try to stop you.

No, no no. Absolutely don’t do this. There is no reason to lie to your parents, or to tell them about your plans. You are an adult who does not have to ask your parents’ permission to do anything.

orwellwasright · 22/05/2022 16:09

I think this is the upshot of a culture that insists women aren't safe. We've even got a long running thread full of people shrieking that women shouldn't walk across a field in broad daylight FFS.

Some people think women should have these titchy tiny limited lives where they can't leave the house unchaperoned, nor walk in the countryside, nor stay in a hotel etc. etc.

The world is for men. Women - stay indoors where you're 'safe'.

Giveitall · 22/05/2022 16:10

I left home at 16 to work full time abroad!
You are an adult. Get on with it!
You’ll have a lovely grown up time.

OnceAgainWithFeeling · 22/05/2022 16:13

I’d bought my own house (alone) by age 20…..

SevenSeedsOfRye · 22/05/2022 16:15

I moved out of my parents’ house when I was 19.

I travelled extensively from age 17. Until I moved out, I’d inform them of my plans ahead of time out of courtesy so they’d know not to expect me to be home.

Once I moved out, I’d often tell them my travel plans just in conversation, but there were many times I’d ring and let them know I’d booked a flight that morning so was calling from Spain etc.

It was great.

Fight for your independence, OP, it gets harder as you get older and have more responsibilities.

ManateeFair · 22/05/2022 16:23

I don’t really understand what the issue is. You’re an adult. Hotels are for staying in. Why wouldn’t it be OK for you to stay in a hotel? It’s literally what they’re for.

Thepeopleversuswork · 22/05/2022 16:26

Why on earth would that be a problem?

Isnt this the whole point of a hotel?

Your parents sound quite controlling and over involved tbh. You need to start standing up to them. You are an adult, what you are doing is practical, legal and safe. If they have a problem with this it’s not a rational one.

crumpet · 22/05/2022 16:26

Hotels are used to guests on their own. You’ll be fine

DontBlameMe79 · 22/05/2022 16:28

It’s worth taking some precautions when doing this as a single female. I’ve stayed in business hotels in many places and have run into sleazy characters time and time again.

I avoid eating alone in a restaurant if they have one and use room service.
Never go to the bar alone.
I carry a small rubber wedge that I put under the door at night, as well as using the hotel deadlock.
Never accept a ground floor room
Don’t answer an unexpected knock on the door
Be wary of hotel car parks - they can be quiet and poorly lit
Don’t drink at the event (or minimally),
Be very careful of men you meet at the event. For many of them, a conference away from home is party time, so avoid solitary situations.

With appropriate precautions on the balance of probabilities you’ll be fine, but it’s not a no risk thing to do.

catandcoffee · 22/05/2022 16:32

Yes stay at the hotel. Time for your parents to cut the apron strings... don't let them put their anxiety on your shoulders anymore. Enjoy your time away.

Zemw · 22/05/2022 16:32

Eh ? My 20 yr old is currently in Costa Rica. Alone.

Headabovetheparakeet · 22/05/2022 16:33

How are you going to handle getting a place of your own if you can't do a couple of nights in a hotel without being anxious?

150poundrebate · 22/05/2022 16:33

DontBlameMe79 · 22/05/2022 16:28

It’s worth taking some precautions when doing this as a single female. I’ve stayed in business hotels in many places and have run into sleazy characters time and time again.

I avoid eating alone in a restaurant if they have one and use room service.
Never go to the bar alone.
I carry a small rubber wedge that I put under the door at night, as well as using the hotel deadlock.
Never accept a ground floor room
Don’t answer an unexpected knock on the door
Be wary of hotel car parks - they can be quiet and poorly lit
Don’t drink at the event (or minimally),
Be very careful of men you meet at the event. For many of them, a conference away from home is party time, so avoid solitary situations.

With appropriate precautions on the balance of probabilities you’ll be fine, but it’s not a no risk thing to do.

You must know that the overwhelming majority of women do not do any of these things?

I'm an advocate of being sensible and guarding against the threats that the world unfortunately offers a woman alone. I won’t be cutting through any parks at night. However, the level of extreme paranoia you’ve just described is unnecessary, unusual and must massively impact your life.

I’m very sorry about whatever happened to you that has made you feel that you need to live like this.

catandcoffee · 22/05/2022 16:34

DontBlameMe79 · 22/05/2022 16:28

It’s worth taking some precautions when doing this as a single female. I’ve stayed in business hotels in many places and have run into sleazy characters time and time again.

I avoid eating alone in a restaurant if they have one and use room service.
Never go to the bar alone.
I carry a small rubber wedge that I put under the door at night, as well as using the hotel deadlock.
Never accept a ground floor room
Don’t answer an unexpected knock on the door
Be wary of hotel car parks - they can be quiet and poorly lit
Don’t drink at the event (or minimally),
Be very careful of men you meet at the event. For many of them, a conference away from home is party time, so avoid solitary situations.

With appropriate precautions on the balance of probabilities you’ll be fine, but it’s not a no risk thing to do.

Are you OP Mother.

TedMullins · 22/05/2022 16:36

There must be a back story about your parents being very controlling for you to think this is an issue. Staying in a hotel alone is a perfectly normal thing to do

orwellwasright · 22/05/2022 16:39

DontBlameMe79 · 22/05/2022 16:28

It’s worth taking some precautions when doing this as a single female. I’ve stayed in business hotels in many places and have run into sleazy characters time and time again.

I avoid eating alone in a restaurant if they have one and use room service.
Never go to the bar alone.
I carry a small rubber wedge that I put under the door at night, as well as using the hotel deadlock.
Never accept a ground floor room
Don’t answer an unexpected knock on the door
Be wary of hotel car parks - they can be quiet and poorly lit
Don’t drink at the event (or minimally),
Be very careful of men you meet at the event. For many of them, a conference away from home is party time, so avoid solitary situations.

With appropriate precautions on the balance of probabilities you’ll be fine, but it’s not a no risk thing to do.

Don't enjoy an evening meal, don't enjoy a drink in the bar. In fact don't enjoy a drink at all. Don't park your car. Don't talk to men. Take some weird fucking contraption with you to jam the door.

'On the balance of probabilities you'll be fine'. It's not 50/50 ffs!

Absolute fucking hysterical bullshit. No wonder the OP's worried if she listens to guff like this.

ManateeFair · 22/05/2022 16:39

DontBlameMe79 · 22/05/2022 16:28

It’s worth taking some precautions when doing this as a single female. I’ve stayed in business hotels in many places and have run into sleazy characters time and time again.

I avoid eating alone in a restaurant if they have one and use room service.
Never go to the bar alone.
I carry a small rubber wedge that I put under the door at night, as well as using the hotel deadlock.
Never accept a ground floor room
Don’t answer an unexpected knock on the door
Be wary of hotel car parks - they can be quiet and poorly lit
Don’t drink at the event (or minimally),
Be very careful of men you meet at the event. For many of them, a conference away from home is party time, so avoid solitary situations.

With appropriate precautions on the balance of probabilities you’ll be fine, but it’s not a no risk thing to do.

I don’t know any women who do any of these things when they stay in hotels. Ever.

littlefireseverywhere · 22/05/2022 16:40

Sounds a wonderful idea, of course you should!!

DontBlameMe79 · 22/05/2022 16:41

150poundrebate · 22/05/2022 16:33

You must know that the overwhelming majority of women do not do any of these things?

I'm an advocate of being sensible and guarding against the threats that the world unfortunately offers a woman alone. I won’t be cutting through any parks at night. However, the level of extreme paranoia you’ve just described is unnecessary, unusual and must massively impact your life.

I’m very sorry about whatever happened to you that has made you feel that you need to live like this.

Show quote history

This is standard advice in the corporate world and I follow it without any great burden or inconvenience. It’s all just common sense.

If you need any more convincing do some reading about male violence and harassment at offsite work events. A bad experience can have impacts that last for years so why take the chance especially when you’re only 22.

EileenGC · 22/05/2022 16:41

I‘m early 20s and I take around 40-50 international flights a year for work. I stay alone in a hotel almost every single time. It’s perfectly safe, why would it be an issue?

You’re an adult and sound capable of assessing risks and looking after yourself. I got into uni in a different country at 15 and I’m still here to tell the tale. You’ll be fine.

orangeisthenewpuce · 22/05/2022 16:43

I don't understand the question. Why would you be unreasonable to stay in a hotel alone? You're a grown up.

150poundrebate · 22/05/2022 16:45

DontBlameMe79 · 22/05/2022 16:41

This is standard advice in the corporate world and I follow it without any great burden or inconvenience. It’s all just common sense.

If you need any more convincing do some reading about male violence and harassment at offsite work events. A bad experience can have impacts that last for years so why take the chance especially when you’re only 22.

Show quote history

I work in the ‘corporate world’, regularly stay in hotels and this is not and has never been standard practice. As has been stated by multiple posters on this thread. If you’re the only person doing something, then it’s not standard. And most of us would find it both burdensome and inconvenient.

None of what you’ve described is common sense, it’s paranoia.

OP, please listen to the majority, not this person. This is no way to live your life.

ExPatHereForAChat · 22/05/2022 16:45

I've done this several times for conferences (here and abroad) and have always had a great time.

Sometimes the event have had an online forum for other women attending who want to share a room and split costs but I was always happier to stay alone.

DontBlameMe79 · 22/05/2022 16:46

orwellwasright · 22/05/2022 16:39

Don't enjoy an evening meal, don't enjoy a drink in the bar. In fact don't enjoy a drink at all. Don't park your car. Don't talk to men. Take some weird fucking contraption with you to jam the door.

'On the balance of probabilities you'll be fine'. It's not 50/50 ffs!

Absolute fucking hysterical bullshit. No wonder the OP's worried if she listens to guff like this.

Show quote history

I’ve travelled all over the world in 25 years for work. Trust me, this is good advice. Just because it hasn’t happened to you doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen and these are minimal inconvenience precautions.