Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invitation dilemma - fallout

123 replies

Weddinginvitationdilemma · 22/05/2022 12:44

Getting married later this year and I have an invitation dilemma I'm hoping the hive mind can help with. Specifics are probably outing but hopefully no one involved reads MN!

My parents had some very good friends, let's call them Terry and June (classic). Friends since early 20s (now all in their 70s). Such good friends that June was my godmother & my dad was godfather to their daughter (let's call her Amy).

Terry & June moved to a different part of the country when I was a baby. Weekends spent visiting them, and hanging out with Amy, were a genuine highlight of my childhood. I suspect because my parents really enjoyed those weekends too.

Fast forward and Amy and I have an independent friendship - we aren't close - she lives far away, probably see her and her DH and DC maybe once every 12-18 months. She's crap at WhatsApp so we don't talk a lot otherwise. But she's a link to my childhood I don't otherwise have (only child) and we all get on (DHtobe and her DH) and it wouldn't feel right not to invite her to our wedding.

However...

About 3 years ago, my parents and Terry & June had a big falling out. I don't know huge details - neither does Amy - but I suspect the intensity of long weekends together and little contact in between with changing lives etc getting older meant the friendship had drifted, such a compressed amount of time together became challenging, and it apparently came to a head in one big argument one weekend. Now they haven't spoken since. My DM has attempted (I think rather clumsily, if I'm honest) to send an olive branch in the way of birthday card/letter which didn't go down well. If I know my DM, I'd say the intention was definitely honest but probably the execution wasn't ideal. Basically I don't know enough to take sides here and I don't see the need to. My parents have made peace with the situation.

I am still in very loose contact with June via birthday/Christmas cards & the odd text.

Now to my dilemma, which is - do Terry and June also get a wedding invitation?

My DM thinks yes, but she's a people-pleaser. She thinks (probably rightly) June will "go ballistic" if she's not invited to her goddaughter's wedding - and even more ballistic if Amy & DH are. She also thinks it could be an opportunity to build bridges. I'm not sure that's an ideal activity for her daughter's wedding day, but I can also see it might be nice for this rift to be healed slightly, if it works. I know Amy will bear the brunt of the ballisticness if Terry & June aren't invited, and I don't want to make life difficult for her.

I genuinely don't know what to do for the best. I'm veering towards inviting them but it feels selfish because potentially it's going to add stress to my DM's day just to avoid it for others (including me).

AIBU to invite Terry & June? What would you do?

OP posts:
GrandSlamFinale · 22/05/2022 12:47

If your DM didn't know June at all, would you still invite them? How is your relationship with them? Are you inviting other people with whom you have a similar relationship / level of contact? Or do you just feel forced to invite June and Terry because they're Amy's parents?

Skelligsfeathers · 22/05/2022 12:47

Invite them.
But only if you think they will behave.

Johnnysgirl · 22/05/2022 12:48

You haven't seen these people for three years. How would they even know you're getting married?!

Threetulips · 22/05/2022 12:50

I think you invite them - saves grief all round and she’ll get huffy and decline!

Job done.

SwedishEdith · 22/05/2022 12:52

No. Invite Amy if you want to but the T&J are your parents' friends, not yours so no obligation to consider them. This is why I'd hate a big wedding though - all the drama about who to invite.

Original poster
Weddinginvitationdilemma · 22/05/2022 12:53

GrandSlamFinale · 22/05/2022 12:47

If your DM didn't know June at all, would you still invite them? How is your relationship with them? Are you inviting other people with whom you have a similar relationship / level of contact? Or do you just feel forced to invite June and Terry because they're Amy's parents?

I wouldn’t know June unless she was my godmother.
If the fallout hadn't happened, I'd be inviting her because she was my godmother and because they would be close/almost family type friends of my parents.
Now I feel a number of things...

  1. I genuinely don't want June to be upset, and she would be
  2. I think it would put Amy in a really difficult position
And there's probably some guilt/obligation thrown in there
OP posts:
Original poster
Weddinginvitationdilemma · 22/05/2022 12:54

Johnnysgirl · 22/05/2022 12:48

You haven't seen these people for three years. How would they even know you're getting married?!

They will find out via Amy regardless of whether Amy is invited

OP posts:
Original poster
Weddinginvitationdilemma · 22/05/2022 12:54

Threetulips · 22/05/2022 12:50

I think you invite them - saves grief all round and she’ll get huffy and decline!

Job done.

To be honest this is probably the ideal 😂

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 22/05/2022 12:54

It sounds like your wedding is doing to be fairly big. So yes I’d invite them if you are inviting Amy.

They are all adults and should be able to be civil for one day. They might not even come.

Your mum should come up with a few excuses, eg just got to check on the cake/ band/ bridesmaids etc if she feels uncomfortable but it sounds like they could avoid each other all day after an initial greeting. She could also prime someone to interrupt any conversation with Terry and June
And it also feels like your mum would like to mend the rift so maybe it won’t be a stress for her

Antarcticant · 22/05/2022 12:54

If you attach significance to June's status as your godmother, you should invite them.

It sounds as though your parents want to heal the rift. June and Terry will know your parents are going to be there - it's up to them if they don't want to see them to decline the invitation.

almondflake · 22/05/2022 12:54

I'd invite then , they are part of your childhood and you were very close , it's up to them if they come or not , they may choose not to accept .

sleepymum50 · 22/05/2022 12:56

If you invite them, and they are still feeling offended by your parents, then I would assume they would decline.

if they are ready for a reconciliation, then they would come and you would feel happy that it happened at your wedding.

Can you ask Amy if she know which way the wind is blowing with her parents?

Chickychoccyegg · 22/05/2022 12:56

I'd invite them, they may well decline, but at least they'll know they were thought of.
They'll know your parents will obviously be there, so if they do accept, I'd assume they were ready to build bridges.

Original poster
Weddinginvitationdilemma · 22/05/2022 12:58

Can you ask Amy if she know which way the wind is blowing with her parents?

This is actually a really good idea, not sure why I'd not thought of this one! Thank you

OP posts:
Grumpybutfunny · 22/05/2022 12:58

When the wedding? Could you invite them to an engagement party or have a hen party for the oldies (ie MB, MG, grandmother, aunts both sides etc) say go for afternoon tea so the first time they see each other isn't your wedding

Fromwaleswithlurv · 22/05/2022 13:00

You don't invite Terry, June, Amy or her DH.

You don't see or keep in contact with any of them closely enough to havd this drama.

I've not known a Godparent/Godchild relationship last into adulthood, so you might be overthinking that connection.

Nanalisa60 · 22/05/2022 13:01

Invite them it will be fine.

Original poster
Weddinginvitationdilemma · 22/05/2022 13:02

The other challenge if we do invite them and they accept is the bloody seating plan.

Yes as PP suspected it's a reasonably large wedding (about 100) but we don't have many "oldies" going so it's not like they can mill about on a table with lots of relatives from my/DH's side they already know.

If the fallout hadn't happened I'd have likely sat them with my parents (haven't decided yet on top table or not). Now probably the safest bet would be with Amy?

OP posts:
Antarcticant · 22/05/2022 13:04

've not known a Godparent/Godchild relationship last into adulthood, so you might be overthinking that connection.

They can do - my mum was close to her godmother all her life; and in fact beyond as she was remembered in her Will.

Antarcticant · 22/05/2022 13:07

Now probably the safest bet would be with Amy?

Yes - you don't say how many per table but with Amy and perhaps people from your DH's side that they don't know,

ReeseWitherfork · 22/05/2022 13:13

If you try and gauge Terry and June's thoughts from Amy, can you also maybe try and sense what Amy thinks? Sounds like you cherish your friendship with Amy even if you don't get to talk to her too much. So perhaps worth working out whether she wants her parents there. If they'll spend the day moaning in her ear, for example, then she might not.

AnneElliott · 22/05/2022 13:13

I'd invite them. Surely they'll know they have to be civil at a wedding and it could well help mend fences.

chipsandpeas · 22/05/2022 13:17

id invite them, theres a high chance they might not come but at least thats their choice

Flyinggeese1234 · 22/05/2022 13:20

I’d invite the OP. Seat them on Amy’s table. Don’t attempt to get involved in bridge building or anything else. Don’t factor in the fall out between them and your parents in any of your actions, and let them accept/decline as they wish.

Justdancinginthedark · 22/05/2022 13:20

Invite them and if they want to decline so be it. If they are going they will more than likely make contact with your mum before the day.