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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding invitation dilemma - fallout

123 replies

Weddinginvitationdilemma · 22/05/2022 12:44

Getting married later this year and I have an invitation dilemma I'm hoping the hive mind can help with. Specifics are probably outing but hopefully no one involved reads MN!

My parents had some very good friends, let's call them Terry and June (classic). Friends since early 20s (now all in their 70s). Such good friends that June was my godmother & my dad was godfather to their daughter (let's call her Amy).

Terry & June moved to a different part of the country when I was a baby. Weekends spent visiting them, and hanging out with Amy, were a genuine highlight of my childhood. I suspect because my parents really enjoyed those weekends too.

Fast forward and Amy and I have an independent friendship - we aren't close - she lives far away, probably see her and her DH and DC maybe once every 12-18 months. She's crap at WhatsApp so we don't talk a lot otherwise. But she's a link to my childhood I don't otherwise have (only child) and we all get on (DHtobe and her DH) and it wouldn't feel right not to invite her to our wedding.

However...

About 3 years ago, my parents and Terry & June had a big falling out. I don't know huge details - neither does Amy - but I suspect the intensity of long weekends together and little contact in between with changing lives etc getting older meant the friendship had drifted, such a compressed amount of time together became challenging, and it apparently came to a head in one big argument one weekend. Now they haven't spoken since. My DM has attempted (I think rather clumsily, if I'm honest) to send an olive branch in the way of birthday card/letter which didn't go down well. If I know my DM, I'd say the intention was definitely honest but probably the execution wasn't ideal. Basically I don't know enough to take sides here and I don't see the need to. My parents have made peace with the situation.

I am still in very loose contact with June via birthday/Christmas cards & the odd text.

Now to my dilemma, which is - do Terry and June also get a wedding invitation?

My DM thinks yes, but she's a people-pleaser. She thinks (probably rightly) June will "go ballistic" if she's not invited to her goddaughter's wedding - and even more ballistic if Amy & DH are. She also thinks it could be an opportunity to build bridges. I'm not sure that's an ideal activity for her daughter's wedding day, but I can also see it might be nice for this rift to be healed slightly, if it works. I know Amy will bear the brunt of the ballisticness if Terry & June aren't invited, and I don't want to make life difficult for her.

I genuinely don't know what to do for the best. I'm veering towards inviting them but it feels selfish because potentially it's going to add stress to my DM's day just to avoid it for others (including me).

AIBU to invite Terry & June? What would you do?

OP posts:

rwalker · 22/05/2022 15:56

I'd invite them but call then and be honest say I'd love you to come but understand the situation and what ever you decide is fine .

Jalepenojello · 22/05/2022 16:04

Invite them. It’s not you who has had the falling out. It’s your godmother. Your mam says it’s fine. So I can’t see why you wouldn’t.

HellyR · 22/05/2022 16:06

Go no contact with all of them, log it with 101, get a Ring doorbell and take in some ironing. Invite them to a spa day then ghost them. Make sure your wedding is in your back garden with a bunch of twigs for a bouquet and Iceland king prawn ring for the meal. Then cancel the cheque. They're probably jealous.

There, just redressing the MN balance a bit....! (Think you've gotten some good advice OP and hope it all goes well! )

Original poster

Weddinginvitationdilemma · 22/05/2022 16:36

@HellyR 😂thanks, that gave me a good laugh!!

OP posts:

easyday · 22/05/2022 16:39

Yes I would.

FinallyHere · 22/05/2022 16:46

Would you like them to come?

If so invite them and deal with any fallout.

AliMonkey · 22/05/2022 16:49

Invite them (or possibly ask Amy first). Surely they won't come if they intend to cause a scene - so they'll either decline or will come and be fine - but don't sit them with your parents just in case.

I had a similar size wedding to you and invited my godparents and their spouses (or in one case, the DH of my godmother who had recently died), all family friends who I was only in touch with via annual Christmas cards, but it felt like the right thing to do - but then there hadn't been a falling out with my parents. I would expect my DC to invite their godparents to their weddings (provided large enough wedding) but on other hand wouldn't be offended if I wasn't invited to my godchildren's weddings. We do see our godchildren a few times a year but the relationships are very much via their parent, or at least joint with their parents, eg an annual weekend away and a WhatsApp group that includes both families.

HotWashCycle · 22/05/2022 16:55

Yes, invite them. She is your godmother, after all, so why would you not? You have not had any quarrel with them. Everyone involved is adult and they can make their own decisions about whether or not to accept. As for the seating plan, you do not need to seat all "oldies" together - that sounds patronising. They are no doubt quite capable of having conversations with younger people. You could consult Amy about where her parents could sit, and with whom.

Gizacluethen · 22/05/2022 17:26

I would invite them. It gives them am opportunity to put it all behind them and your mum is on board with it.

Jaxhog · 23/05/2022 18:26

I'd invite them - they probably won't come. They might be mainly 'friends' of your parents, but June is also your godmother.

PortalooSunset · 23/05/2022 18:27

I'd invite them, but on the proviso they either meet up with your folks first to sort out their issues away from your big day, or agree to not mention anything about the falling out/aren't weird about stuff at all on the day if they can't/won't do that.

FairWindClearSailing · 23/05/2022 18:29

I'd invite them. Then you've done your part and what happens after is not on you

Chooksnroses · 23/05/2022 18:32

Invite them, the argument is not yours, and she is your Godmother. They might decline anyway, but you shouldn't get involved in their problems.

WhackusBonkus · 23/05/2022 18:34

Invite them. You are then doing the best you can in a rather difficult situation, the specifics of which are nothing to do with you and definitely not your fault in any way.

The onus is then on them to decide whether or not to accept. Either way you have done the nice thing by inviting them

ReformedWaywardTeen · 23/05/2022 18:55

Blame Covid and don't invite them. Honestly.
I got married last year, there were people expecting to be invited who I couldn't stand to have there (DHs old mates who act like they're 12 and make questionable jokes) or who I knew would be a pain in the arse/get drunk or make a scene. So we said, we would love to have you here but we are keeping the numbers down due to risks.

No one questioned it.
The one time in all the time of pandemic that it actually came in useful.

Aubriella · 23/05/2022 19:24

You will regret it if you don’t invite them.

Don’t over think it, you’re inviting your godparent to your wedding. That’s all you need to know.

Wedonttalk · 23/05/2022 19:30

Invite them.
One of my biggest regrets and upsets was not inviting my godparents to my wedding as there'd been a similar falling out. Two years later, everyone was talking again. Year after that godparent passed away.

usernamealreadytaken · 23/05/2022 20:19

SwedishEdith · 22/05/2022 12:52

No. Invite Amy if you want to but the T&J are your parents' friends, not yours so no obligation to consider them. This is why I'd hate a big wedding though - all the drama about who to invite.

June is OP's godparent, not just a random friend's parent.

MrsLighthouse · 23/05/2022 20:29

Invite them . It’ll be fine and you’ll be too swept up with other guests to notice any awkwardness. I’ve been married three times and on each occasion the person / people l fretted most about inviting never showed up anyway 😆 hope you have a great day !

fairytwinkletastic · 23/05/2022 20:45

@AnneElliott not always unfortunately, especially when drink is available.

Mamai90 · 23/05/2022 20:52

I'd invite them.

GettingItOutThere · 23/05/2022 21:09

yes i would invite all of them - as long as they will behave and not cause a scene!

might be a goo thing all round

BigRooLittleRoo · 23/05/2022 21:13

Invite them*. It could be the opportunity your mum needs to reconnect - sounds like she wants to. There might not be another one.

*But the PP who suggested asking Amy which way the wind blows first was spot on.

I nearly didn’t invite my aunt to my wedding because of a long estrangement with my parents. She jumped at the chance to come, really enjoyed it - it actually didn’t heal the rift with my parents as they weren’t keen, but we (aunt, DH and I) enjoyed a long and happy relationship before she passed, over two decades later. I know my aunt was a blood relation and it’s different but I think an invitation issued in good faith will hopefully be well-received if there is goodwill there. If there isn’t goodwill - let’s hope Amy will give you the heads up 😉. Enjoy your day!

Favouritefruits · 23/05/2022 21:18

I’d invite them, the balls in their court and they can decide what’s best for themselves . It will cause more drama not inviting them, give yourself an easy life.

Stilsmiling · 23/05/2022 21:40

You are worrying too much about how others MAY feel and MAY react.

You want to invite your Godmother and husband so invite them.

If they accept, then you can speak to Amy to see where they would like to sit without them knowing (assuming that Amy would also be keen to work this out with you rather than speaking to her parents about it as they wouldn’t want to feel that there was any fuss about it)

What happened between your parents and Terry and June is for them to work out and hopefully they would both have your wedding celebration at the centre of the day and all behave respectfully.

Don’t overthink it, speak to Amy and make sure she knows that you would like the two of you to be able to chat about it confidentially with the best interests of both sets of parents at heart.
I hope all goes well! Enjoy your day. 😊

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