Wedding invitation dilemma - fallout

[Weddinginvitationdilemma]

Getting married later this year and I have an invitation dilemma I'm hoping the hive mind can help with. Specifics are probably outing but hopefully no one involved reads MN!

My parents had some very good friends, let's call them Terry and June (classic). Friends since early 20s (now all in their 70s). Such good friends that June was my godmother & my dad was godfather to their daughter (let's call her Amy).

Terry & June moved to a different part of the country when I was a baby. Weekends spent visiting them, and hanging out with Amy, were a genuine highlight of my childhood. I suspect because my parents really enjoyed those weekends too.

Fast forward and Amy and I have an independent friendship - we aren't close - she lives far away, probably see her and her DH and DC maybe once every 12-18 months. She's crap at WhatsApp so we don't talk a lot otherwise. But she's a link to my childhood I don't otherwise have (only child) and we all get on (DHtobe and her DH) and it wouldn't feel right not to invite her to our wedding.

However...

About 3 years ago, my parents and Terry & June had a big falling out. I don't know huge details - neither does Amy - but I suspect the intensity of long weekends together and little contact in between with changing lives etc getting older meant the friendship had drifted, such a compressed amount of time together became challenging, and it apparently came to a head in one big argument one weekend. Now they haven't spoken since. My DM has attempted (I think rather clumsily, if I'm honest) to send an olive branch in the way of birthday card/letter which didn't go down well. If I know my DM, I'd say the intention was definitely honest but probably the execution wasn't ideal. Basically I don't know enough to take sides here and I don't see the need to. My parents have made peace with the situation.

I am still in very loose contact with June via birthday/Christmas cards & the odd text.

Now to my dilemma, which is - do Terry and June also get a wedding invitation?

My DM thinks yes, but she's a people-pleaser. She thinks (probably rightly) June will "go ballistic" if she's not invited to her goddaughter's wedding - and even more ballistic if Amy & DH are. She also thinks it could be an opportunity to build bridges. I'm not sure that's an ideal activity for her daughter's wedding day, but I can also see it might be nice for this rift to be healed slightly, if it works. I know Amy will bear the brunt of the ballisticness if Terry & June aren't invited, and I don't want to make life difficult for her.

I genuinely don't know what to do for the best. I'm veering towards inviting them but it feels selfish because potentially it's going to add stress to my DM's day just to avoid it for others (including me).

AIBU to invite Terry & June? What would you do?

I wouldn’t be inviting any of them. None of you are close, I’ve never understood inviting someone you see once in a blue moon. They are acquaintances, they probably don’t even expect an invite! And once at the reception, who will they know apart from you? I’d be declining for that reason if I were in their shoes.

Invite them

Invite them. It’s the decent thing to do.
If they decline the invite, that’s on them.
I seriously doubt they’d kick up at their god-daughter’s wedding, but make a plan with the groomsmen to escort them out if they do.

Always take the high road — leave it to others to be low.

And congratulations! ❤️

If you don't invite her then that's the relationship over forever. 100000% invite them all.

We had an issue with parties within DH's extended family having a fall out that had lasted many years. I wanted to invite everyone to DS's christening but sounded out PILs first. Their immediate reaction was not keen, but they quickly came around, so we did. And it was fine and they made up. One of the members involved died last year and another has a serious long term illness, so we are really pleased we went with it. However, we were pretty sure that they would be, at the very least, civil and not kick off.

@Pickabearanybear ·

If you aren’t in contact with them I wouldn’t invite them. Why would you invite people you no longer have a relationship with?

She is in contact with them, she mentions it in the opening OP

She is also in contact with their daughter, has history with them, is obviously fond of them and is their goddaughter

First of all OP - congratulations on getting married. And for my twopenneth, I would invite them all and then leave it up to them to decline. You will have done the right thing.

But the other thing I have to say is that I have had SO many conversations like this with friends and colleagues over the years who are tearing themselves apart with similar dilemmas and it frustrates the hell out of me. I am also getting married soon myself so have some empathy as to how you must be feeling.
This is YOUR wedding - the one day in your life that is supposed to be entirely about you and your DH. Why are so many people intent on making other peoples weddings all about them?
Surely these people can realisexthat the world doesnt revolove around them just suck it up for one day for your ( their God daughters) sake?
It sounds like you are a thoughtful and caring person and very considerate of others, but this is the one day when you need to be quite " bullish" and focus on yourselves.
Seriously, these people need to sort their beef out or at least be able to be civil and move on. It is not your responsibility. You did not cause their original argument.
Your wedding is YOUR day.
I really hope that you manage to get this resolved as I am sure you have 1001 other things to be stressing about and I wish you the very best of wedding days and a long and happy marriage x

You sound like a very nice and considerate person. I think any opportunity to build a bridge is as good idea. If they choose not to then so be it you can’t force these things.

Invite Terry and June. It will be fine, you'll be out of your mind with giddiness on the day so your parents and T&J can just exchange small talk or politely avoid each other, depending on what they want to do.
If you don't invite them, it would seem to them that you're getting involved in their beef, which you are not.
Send the invite, let them decided if they're attending or not, think no more of it, enjoy your day :)

UPDATE

Thanks everyone for the great advice I had on this thread. I did invite Terry & June, and discussed everything at length with Amy, making it clear my parents knew we were inviting them and happy about it. Amy agreed this was a good approach, and would mention all this when she saw them.

I've had a letter through basically saying congratulations but we know we won't be at all welcome by your parents so we won't come.

My immediate reaction is to want to reclarify that no, they are very welcome, my parents would like them to be there. I'd not want them to decline on the basis of a misunderstanding.

But I expect MN will tell me to leave it be.

I guess I feel a bit sad tbh because I wasn't expecting such a direct "your parents hate us" as an excuse if they didnt want to come, more "gosh unfortunately we're busy" which we'd all know was a lie but a polite get-out.

If I wrote that, I guess I'd be angling towards wanting someone to tell me I was welcome? When in fact, perhaps not. I'm not sure what to make of it all really.

Gosh that's a tough one because it's difficult to work out if that's an excuse for not coming or if they're looking for reassurance it's ok with your parents.

If it were me, I'd likely reply letting them know it's fine with your parents and you'd love to see them there but understand if they ultimately decide not to.

It seems strange to cite that as the reason if they're not looking for reassurance.

What does Amy think?

Difficult, and it’s impossible to know how Amy relayed things to them (even with the best of intentions, nuances can be lost).

I tend to agreed with @Ohrwurm - If it were me, I'd likely reply letting them know it's fine with your parents and you'd love to see them there but understand if they ultimately decide not to.

However I don’t think I’d go any further - it does sound as if Terry and June (from
the update and what you said in original post) are digging their heels in and you mustn’t let them/the situation overshadow your wedding.

You’ll have done your best!

Thanks all. I've spoken to Amy and she'd explained my parents were aware and supportive of us inviting them. But they still feel they wouldn’t be welcome BigRooLittleRoo you're of course right that this is incredibly nuanced and how clearly/warmly the message was passed on I'll never know.
Having reflected though, I think they are obviously still very hurt and possibly angry about the whole situation (the letter was actually quite a speedy reply, they took very little time to think before sending it given dates) so I'm not sure anything I'll say will make a difference.

On the day this will no doubt make things more straightforward - at the start of this thread I basically said this was the outcome I wanted! But it feels very sad at the moment that such a long friendship is definitely over, it doesn't sound like there's any coming back from this.

Thanks a lot everyone for the advice, it's really helped me navigate this tricky situation when I'm already pretty stressed from wedding prep!

I wouldn’t go any further, that’s a rather rude reply dragging you into their drama.

Sounds like the right decision OP - you tried your best, with a good and kind heart, and did the right thing inviting them. Let it go now and enjoy planning your wonderful wedding. X

I don't think it's a rude reply, it's an honest one of the situation which you already knew about.

You did the right thing in inviting them, they have done the right thing in declining and now everyone can move on and enjoy the day.

I just really want to know what happened!! I bet it’s either love or money that caused the busy up.

Don't poke the wasp nest. That was a rude reply to you so fuck em. Don't respond at all. Anyone who has to be pursuaded to do something will be far too much hard work.

Thanks for taking the time to update Op. You’ve done what you can. Congratulations on your wedding.

Their daughter is attending..she can hardly be expected to keep it a secret from her parents.

Didn't see the date of this post...hope the wedding went well OP.