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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invitation dilemma - fallout

123 replies

Weddinginvitationdilemma · 22/05/2022 12:44

Getting married later this year and I have an invitation dilemma I'm hoping the hive mind can help with. Specifics are probably outing but hopefully no one involved reads MN!

My parents had some very good friends, let's call them Terry and June (classic). Friends since early 20s (now all in their 70s). Such good friends that June was my godmother & my dad was godfather to their daughter (let's call her Amy).

Terry & June moved to a different part of the country when I was a baby. Weekends spent visiting them, and hanging out with Amy, were a genuine highlight of my childhood. I suspect because my parents really enjoyed those weekends too.

Fast forward and Amy and I have an independent friendship - we aren't close - she lives far away, probably see her and her DH and DC maybe once every 12-18 months. She's crap at WhatsApp so we don't talk a lot otherwise. But she's a link to my childhood I don't otherwise have (only child) and we all get on (DHtobe and her DH) and it wouldn't feel right not to invite her to our wedding.

However...

About 3 years ago, my parents and Terry & June had a big falling out. I don't know huge details - neither does Amy - but I suspect the intensity of long weekends together and little contact in between with changing lives etc getting older meant the friendship had drifted, such a compressed amount of time together became challenging, and it apparently came to a head in one big argument one weekend. Now they haven't spoken since. My DM has attempted (I think rather clumsily, if I'm honest) to send an olive branch in the way of birthday card/letter which didn't go down well. If I know my DM, I'd say the intention was definitely honest but probably the execution wasn't ideal. Basically I don't know enough to take sides here and I don't see the need to. My parents have made peace with the situation.

I am still in very loose contact with June via birthday/Christmas cards & the odd text.

Now to my dilemma, which is - do Terry and June also get a wedding invitation?

My DM thinks yes, but she's a people-pleaser. She thinks (probably rightly) June will "go ballistic" if she's not invited to her goddaughter's wedding - and even more ballistic if Amy & DH are. She also thinks it could be an opportunity to build bridges. I'm not sure that's an ideal activity for her daughter's wedding day, but I can also see it might be nice for this rift to be healed slightly, if it works. I know Amy will bear the brunt of the ballisticness if Terry & June aren't invited, and I don't want to make life difficult for her.

I genuinely don't know what to do for the best. I'm veering towards inviting them but it feels selfish because potentially it's going to add stress to my DM's day just to avoid it for others (including me).

AIBU to invite Terry & June? What would you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Weddinginvitationdilemma · 22/05/2022 13:47

Being able to be at the wedding of someone they care about of course doesn't mean that any rift will automatically be healed so your mum might still have to tread carefully!

Yes I think this is an excellent point!! Thank you

OP posts:
StageRage · 22/05/2022 13:47

Talk with Amy. On the phone, not by msg.

In the end it is an invite, not a summons. If you invite them, reassure Amy that they are welcome, and equally welcome, to decline with no hard feelings.

skyeisthelimit · 22/05/2022 13:49

I would just invite them and leave it up to them and don't be offended if they decline, but you won't have created an issue by not inviting them.

Our family has had various fallouts over the years, and any special occasion, I have just invited everybody and those who wanted to came along and those who didn't, didn't!. Other family members have left people out and it has caused huge fallouts, even though they probably wouldn't have come anyway.

3luckystars · 22/05/2022 13:49

Invite them all. No question.

they probably won’t come but if you don’t invite them, that can’t be undone. Invite them all, 100%

SenselessUbiquity · 22/05/2022 13:50

June sounds very difficult, if she is harbouring a grudge after an attempt at reconciliation involving a birthday present - seriously, how poorly executed can it have been for her not to take in the spirit it was meant? I doubt it was actually an insulting birthday present, more that she loves bearing grudges. If you invite them (on balance I think you probably should) will there be ways that she can somehow twist that into being offensive? not inviting them, she definitely can.

diddl · 22/05/2022 13:54

Weddinginvitationdilemma · 22/05/2022 13:43

A possibility that I think is not unlikely if June is still not willing to build bridges is that she wants to come to the ceremony only. It's in a church and she's quite religious. That would be a shame and I think my DM would take that as a pointed snub.

Well that would be your Mum's choice.

I wonder if it would be a way of then turning blame squarely back to June?

yesthatisdrizzle · 22/05/2022 13:58

Invite them.

It is highly likely that they will decline, but at least you won't have caused further offence by not inviting them.

diddl · 22/05/2022 14:00

June sounds very difficult, if she is harbouring a grudge after an attempt at reconciliation involving a birthday present - seriously, how poorly executed can it have been for her not to take in the spirit it was meant?

People don't have to become friends again though just because the person they fell out with wants it that way.

Beautiful3 · 22/05/2022 14:03

I would send them all an invite. I'm sure rhe parents will decline but the daughter may come. I think it would be nice, and an olive branch.

Lolllllllllllll · 22/05/2022 14:07

I wouldn't invite any of them. You hardly have any relationship with Amy. I'd have a smaller wedding and invite people that were important to me.

Hawkins001 · 22/05/2022 14:23

All the best op

SpiderinaWingMirror · 22/05/2022 14:25

I would tell your dmum that you will invite them when they have made up!

SpeedofaSloth · 22/05/2022 14:26

Tricky, but I think you invite them all, or none of them.

BlancmanegeBunny · 22/05/2022 14:27

Invite them, they can decide to attend or not. Not inviting them could cause offense.

Pegasaurus · 22/05/2022 14:32

Invite, hope they decline and if not seat with Amy and some neutral, sensible people

Dixiechickonhols · 22/05/2022 14:37

Can you find out more specifics re fall out. It seems odd to have a massive fall out after 50 years. Even a huffy argument would have resolved. It might affect your views.

Shesaysso · 22/05/2022 14:40

Invite - they’ll decline if not prepared to be civil with your parents or make peace.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 22/05/2022 14:40

diddl · 22/05/2022 13:54

Well that would be your Mum's choice.

I wonder if it would be a way of then turning blame squarely back to June?

Show quote history

Yes. I thought that June could have recognised your mum's olive branch.
Dont forget this is YOUR wedding and you shouldn't have to worry this much about your parents/parents friends falling out... This is the LAST thing you should be thinking about.
Id be a bit cheeky and conspire with Amy. Organise your parents and T and J meeting up BEFORE the wedding with Amy and get all the nonsense out of their system. If they cannot behave then, they needn't bother coming to the wedding and spoiling it for your Mum and you.. and do it soon so you all know where you stand and don't have to spend any more time worrying.
You might even find after a few gins they bury the hatchet and then you can all breath a huge sigh of relief. If June, as your godmother gives one damn about you, she can swallow her pride and put her best foot forward. If not, its no loss if she doesn't attend.

ChocolateHippo · 22/05/2022 14:51

I would ask Amy to ask them if they would like to be invited or would prefer not to be.

Gilmorehill · 22/05/2022 15:10

Have you any contact with June since the falling out?

Eightiesfan · 22/05/2022 15:16

Weddinginvitationdilemma · 22/05/2022 12:53

I wouldn’t know June unless she was my godmother.
If the fallout hadn't happened, I'd be inviting her because she was my godmother and because they would be close/almost family type friends of my parents.
Now I feel a number of things...

  1. I genuinely don't want June to be upset, and she would be
  2. I think it would put Amy in a really difficult position
And there's probably some guilt/obligation thrown in there
Show quote history

OP, I think you’ve answered your own question. You would have invited them if the fallout hadn’t happened. Just sent the invitation and take it from there, I’m sure at their age they will show some decorum and not be the cause of upset at your wedding.

Darbs76 · 22/05/2022 15:16

I’d invite them yes. As long as you know they won’t cause a scene.

Original poster
Weddinginvitationdilemma · 22/05/2022 15:18

Gilmorehill · 22/05/2022 15:10

Have you any contact with June since the falling out?

Yes, and this is why it feels like a difficult decision not to invite her. As I said in the OP, birthday/Christmas cards and the odd text. So about as much direct contact as before - but then I'd hear about her news/what she was up to via DM, pre-fallout.

I don't need or want any more details about what exactly happened - it's too long ago anyway now, to get an accurate picture - I just don't want my wedding to cause unnecessary angst to anyone (least of all me!)

As PPs have said, the best thing is probably put the ball in her court and let her decide, making clear to Amy there's no hard feelings either way.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts, it's been extremely helpful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weddinginvitationdilemma · 22/05/2022 15:19

Eightiesfan · 22/05/2022 15:16

OP, I think you’ve answered your own question. You would have invited them if the fallout hadn’t happened. Just sent the invitation and take it from there, I’m sure at their age they will show some decorum and not be the cause of upset at your wedding.

Show quote history

Ha I have haven't I! Grin
Yes that's what I'll do. Thank you.

OP posts:
DaleTrimont · 22/05/2022 15:49

I would invite them .
might be the olive branch they need ? Also would be unkind and quite rude to invite Amy and not T&J, it could cause issues for Amy too, if you don't invite them .
It sounds as though your mother wants to make up with T&J and this might help that happen.

I had a similar dilemma as my two uncles were not on speaking terms. I invited them both, one came, the other didn’t, but that was his choice.