ILs refusing to use my name

[namechangedasouting]

DH and I married 5+ years ago. I kept my name, children are double barrelled. MIL (divorced from FIL but has kept her married name) has always found it personally insulting that I wanted to keep my name. All cards etc. Are addressed to "Mrs DH surname" and for the kids the same. I've really tried to just let it go - she knows these aren't our names so correcting her over and over seems pointless. She's now started "correcting" DH's other family members who send the kids cards addressed correctly. Her latest comment to DH's aunt (whilst we were there) was "they are "DH surname" through and through, why pretend otherwise?"

AIBU in finding this annoying?

Women have always had choices. Discarding our identities on marriage has never been a legal requirement. That said, I can only imagine that since this elicits such puckered-up, cats'-bum-faced disapproval in 2022, the pressure on women to conform in decades gone by must have been immense.

In Greece, Italy, Quebec province, Belgium, France and the Netherlands, amongst other countries, it's illegal to change your surname on marriage. In France and Germany all adult women are known as 'Madame' or 'Frau'.

In the vast majority of cases men retain their own identities on marriage. They are still just as much husbands as I, who also retained my name, am a wife. My family is still a family unit. My DC know who their parents are. There have been no mythical issues with passport control. There have been no issues, in fact, with anyone other than people (mainly women) who want to keep other women in what they see as their place. They are usually the ones trotting out that repulsive term 'maiden name'.

Thanks for all the replies of which I definitely can't address them all.

One PP mentioned a case where the husband's family was upset because the siblings had died and the name was going to die out. This is actually the case for us but it is my brother who died before he had children, meaning my family name would not have continued. This has made it even more emotive a subject for me as it is important to me that my family name is represented. MIL knows this - we discussed it in depth before the wedding.

I generally don't mind people getting confused. Having 3 different names in the family CAN be confusing. We tend to get Mr and Mrs DHname-Myname which is our children's double barrell and I don't mind that at all. What I mind is MIL deliberately refusing to use my name in any way, when she knows full well what the names are. She's only 57!

Double barreled names are ridiculous. What happens when a Smith-Johnson marries a Patel-Sunak? Quadruple barreled kids?

You don’t need a reason or justification for keeping your name.

There is nothing even remotely confusing about having different names. You shouldn’t need to tell anyone more than once.

I’m a fan of direct communication. If you haven’t already done so, I think you should tell your MIL to stop. No hints, roundabout ways or passive aggression, just tell her.

this is the ultimate groundhog comment on surname threads

This has been addressed multiple times on this thread.

Have you ever encountered a quadruple barrelled kid? Octuple barrelled? No? Why do you think that is?

Honestly! It’s so silly. And they always say it with an air of someone presenting a killer argument. Like, ‘aha, got you now’! 😂

'Let 'em explain their way out of this one' they think as they press send and enjoy a smug sip of tea and a nibble on a hobnob

@MurderAtTheBeautyPageant 😂😂😂

Thank you Marie very informative information that you posted.

AstroSurf

Double barreled names are ridiculous. What happens when a Smith-Johnson marries a Patel-Sunak? Quadruple barreled kids?

Aye, sure it is such a common occurance that by the time the school registry is read out, its time for the wains to go home. Will no-one think of the children!

Have you ever encountered a quadruple barrelled kid? Octuple barrelled? No? Why do you think that is

yes! Lots of triple barrelled, a couple of quadruple barrelled. It will become a thing.

Aha. Yes!

Yeah we should speak up and be direct. It's the only way. But so annoying and tiring that women have to waste our energy on so many small things like being able to keep our own bloody name.

This is so frustrating, I'm with you OP.

My (now) dh and I had ds1 before we were married and he was given dh surname. We got married when he was 4 months old. I then changed my name because I wanted to.
My own father after our marriage would refer to me as firstname hisname, accepting that i had changed my name, but my son has always been DSfirstname mymaidenname. As if my dh isnt his dad or something, or as if he wanted him to have my surname (i.e. my fathers name). Like my marriage and my sons parentage didnt count.
Fucking Weird

In my family it was a control thing. Various other things happened and we are now NC but you are right, it is annoying. Keep correcting her, every single time. Ask her if she wants you to write it down for her.

I'm in my 70s and if feminism had hit my part of the world when I got married I would never have changed my name which was more unusual than my husband's and will sadly die out with this generation. Neither my daughter or DIL have changed their names and grandchildren are double barrelled. Your PIL must be living under a rock if they don't realise it's quite usual now.

Genuine question....
With the whole double-barrel marries double-barrel what happens with the children thing? How does it work in countries like Spain? For each generation a name must be 'dropped' surely? How is it decided which one?
If Jane Smith-Jones marries Jack Green-Brown are the children called Child Smith-Green or Jones-Brown? Is there a specific 'rule'?

Both parents pass their fathers surname to the child.

They can go for any combo they fancy.

Somebody asked about the use of 'Miss'

Used from birth until marriage, beyond 30 if unmarried it is Ms.

I asked DH if we could double barrel with my name first (his first wouldn't sound right), very firm No. Would have sounded Indian actually if said quickly, which I am not, so probably all for the best.

You’ve encountered ‘lots’ of triple barrelled and double barrelled kids? Really? Where do you live? As nobody else seems to have encountered this phenomenon.

And why will it ‘become a thing’? You’re aware that quite a bit of the world (including quite a few people in the U.K.) has been double barrelling for centuries? And quadruple barrelled names have somehow not ‘become a thing’ prior to now?

Not necessarily the father’s name anymore. People go with either name, now.

Somebody asked about the use of 'Miss'. Used from birth until marriage, beyond 30 if unmarried it is Ms.

Where on Earth have you got that from @Robinni ?

How on earth do the Spanish manage?

I'm not entirely sure. But the Spanish people on my course had two separate surnames (not hyphenated) but when introducing themselves only used one of the surnames. So Juan Garcia Pages called himself Juan Garcia. Much easier on the tongue.

@BananaShrimp this is where I get a bit confused because obviously one name from each parent has to be 'dropped' from the double-barrel so is it (traditionally) the male name part of the double-barrel that gets passed down from generation to generation?