ILs refusing to use my name

[namechangedasouting]

DH and I married 5+ years ago. I kept my name, children are double barrelled. MIL (divorced from FIL but has kept her married name) has always found it personally insulting that I wanted to keep my name. All cards etc. Are addressed to "Mrs DH surname" and for the kids the same. I've really tried to just let it go - she knows these aren't our names so correcting her over and over seems pointless. She's now started "correcting" DH's other family members who send the kids cards addressed correctly. Her latest comment to DH's aunt (whilst we were there) was "they are "DH surname" through and through, why pretend otherwise?"

AIBU in finding this annoying?

Goodness. There's a lot more to marriage than a surname.

You’re baffled every time someone doesn’t change their name upon getting married. Must be fairly baffling everytime a man you know gets married.

Ask your MIL why her comprehension skills seem to be fading?

OP, if your MIL insists on calling you by your DH's surname because she thinks it's "correct", you could send her a link to an etiquette guide which says you should use the name someone has chosen to use

@AppleandRhubarbTart Yes but by doing this in a 'name up in lights in Vegas' manner - BIG, BOLD, SENT TO EVERYONE, then you would lessen the chance of confusion in general and anyone being a total knob. It would be clear to them, that they, along with everyone at the wedding, had been told very clearly about the name choices going forward. Same for when the babies are born - Announcement card with welcome to the world baby X Y-Z.

If anyone is persistent and rude akin to OP MiL, the t-shirts with names on could be an idea but again could just fuel the fire, she's obviously very irate that her son's name isn't respected, as she sees it.

Doubt you will change her, but I'd certainly tell her she is rude and insulting.

I'd have various things made and displayed around the popular places at home (kitchen, downstairs cloakroom etc) e.g. - plaques with family names on (your ones) so she can't avoid them. I'd get some gift for her e.g. picture of the kids in an engraved photo frame - with their proper names!

Expression of love and commitment, legal and financial advantages, take your pick.

Men don’t generally change their names upon marriage. What do you think is the point of them getting married? Or is name changing only ‘the point’ for women?

@SlatsandFlaps
Erm, because you love that person and want to spend the rest of your life together? Getting married doesn't mean your identity is automatically subsumed into your husbands.
It was a different situation when women were supposed to remain uneducated and went from their parents to their husbands home. Now that the little ladies are allowed to have qualifications (shocking!) and a career before marriage, it makes no sense for a woman to have to change all her paperwork to match his family name.
@BananaShrimp
As your SIL seems to be hard of thinking, send her the link below; it should make the point unless she thinks the entire establishment is in cahoots with you. (Sounds like she is jealous of your educational achievements and independent nature and she is doing it out of frustration at her own life.)
www.deedpoll.org.uk/a-womans-rights-upon-marriage/

My MIL and older people I just ignore it now. I get irritated when younger Facebook friends send a card etc to me and dh and addressed as Mr and Mrs hislastname. It's very clear what my name is.

If you have the energy, correct them.....again.

So you think that the only reason to get married is to gain a different name!!?

You are very ill-informed. Anyway, a marriage certificate doesn't legally change the name. Mine shows me with my maiden name marrying DH with his name. Nowhere does it mention me with DH's surname.

There is no obligation for anyone to change their name on marriage, contrary to what some idiots seem to think. Either party can do so if they wish, or not.

I did change to DH's surname. I don't regret changing, but I was very young and green behind the ears then. I wouldn't do it now, and have even been considering adding my former surname back in by a deed poll.

What does getting married have to do with women changing their surname? How bizarre.

This is why I don’t agree with giving children double-barrelled surnames, as I think it leads to problems down the line. Child with surname Smith-Mathews, grows up and marries person with surname Currie-Watson, are their children then known as Smith-Mathews-Currie-Watson!

Thank you for joining our special day, we had such a great time hip hip hooray,
Now Mr Hisname and Ms. Hername are formally wed, No Mr. and Mrs. call us by our own names instead!
@Robinni this is pure gold!

My MIL - who is lovely and generally really respects my point of view - and I had a conversation about this before I got married. I think she brought it up and I said I'd keep my name. She said "oh I thought like you but then changed my mind once I got married, you'll see, you'll feel differently"

Lolz I do love my DH but I didn't feel such an overwhelming wave of passionate emotion on my wedding day prompting me to change my name! Bonkers! We've been married nearly 4 years which I appreciate isn't ages but I've never felt the temptation to change my name.

They do occasionally send us cards dressed to Mr and Mrs Hisname and I mention it and they say they "just forgot".

Dd is firstname lateGMILname myname-hisname and MIL said "oh but surely you'll only be using the last name of the double barrel most of the time". Nope. On school lists alphabetically she'll be under my surnames initial. It ought to be enough that I chose her mum's name for a middle name!

How on earth do the spanish manage

This makes me think of my aunt who tried to keep her surname. She lived in a small town in Ireland and after everyone (including the bank) addressing her as mrs Hisname, gave up on keeping her own.

Yes, that's it. That's exactly what'll happen. Nailed it.

No contact and all cards go in the bin until they stop being so deliberately and persistently rude.

Sorry your marriage is so empty x

I didn't think 'Miss' had a time limit on it

I know it's 'traditional here...

But why? Why can't the woman's parents be sad that their daughter is' rejecting 'their surname to take a man's name?

Especially when names are dying out as when have sired all (traditional) daughters who take their husbands names on marriage.

This has happened to lots of nice surnames in my family.... My mums, my aunts.

Why must the husbands parents take it as a slight.

Luckily I won't change my name, ever... Neither will my female cousins.

If me and my female cousins hadn't done this... Our centuries old surname would have died out. (not tje reason we do it though!)

Families throughout the world have managed quite well without everyone sharing the same surname.

Shocked that so many think women should use their husbands name and get rid of their own identity. That is not what marriage is about. People should be able to choose and not feel that they have to take their husbands name. It is old fashioned and that mil knows what she is doing. Women these days have choices and she should respect that.

It’s been explained at least twice on this thread that this isn’t what happens. Which should be apparent, as people have been double barrelling for centuries and there aren’t loads of quadruple and octuple barrelled people wandering around.

It's my private deduction that they know the legalities (or lack thereof) perfectly well. I'm not buying that people who are otherwise switched on, when it comes to both legal and political issues, genuinely believe that the moment your marry, your husband's name 'becomes your legal name'. I've heard this one more than once - of course it comes from women who have already been married, sometimes more than once - so they know fine well that your family name is YOUR legal name unless you take active steps to change it.

'Well, I respect MY husband' is by no means something I've never heard before, either.

I don't use a 'Mrs' title and I don't want to be addressed by such a title, or by a family name that isn't mine. Unfortunately my MiL is also one of those people who refuse to acknowledge the most basic, fundamental of courtesies to respect another woman's actual identity, rather than the false one she'd prefer to bestow on her.

She does it to annoy. Of course I could retaliate and address her by my FiL's name (they're divorced, but she has more claim to it given she's actually used it and I never have). But I'm not descending to her petty level simply to make a cheap point, or let her know that once upon a time, it used to piss me off. (We've been married 15 years). Instead, I rather pity her for not having the gumption to at least address her disapproval of me openly, rather than hiding behind cowardly gestures.

But I think the PP who made the point above was quite right. It's disingenuous, selective ignorance practiced by those who want to put women back in our box.