ILs refusing to use my name

[namechangedasouting]

DH and I married 5+ years ago. I kept my name, children are double barrelled. MIL (divorced from FIL but has kept her married name) has always found it personally insulting that I wanted to keep my name. All cards etc. Are addressed to "Mrs DH surname" and for the kids the same. I've really tried to just let it go - she knows these aren't our names so correcting her over and over seems pointless. She's now started "correcting" DH's other family members who send the kids cards addressed correctly. Her latest comment to DH's aunt (whilst we were there) was "they are "DH surname" through and through, why pretend otherwise?"

AIBU in finding this annoying?

^Slats and Flats What's the point of getting married if you keep your name? Always baffled me*

Come now. Some men may be very fond of their surnames or have other reasons for wanting to retain them

My maiden name is super rare. My parents flipped out when my brother said he is not wanting to get married and definitely doesn't want children and so the surname will not be carried on a generation.

Although it is absolutely true in France that madame is an age thing and nothing to do with whether or not you are married, the French are taking it further and now even teenage girls are sometimes referred as madame, which sounds weird. Not in everyday interactions like ordering at a restaurant, but letters from a bank to a female child, or in school in contexts where the children are representative, (school council type things) they use madame. This is because there is not a boy equivalent of mademoiselle. I think it's a good thing, even though it does sound odd. That'll fade though with usage.

How incredibly rude and disrespectful of MIL. Does she respect you in general OP?
I tend to dig in my heels so would be pulling her up on it. Every. Single. Time. It starts with overriding your wishes about your name then has potential to snowball to other areas. What is it to her what you choose to call yourself? As to your children, your MIL needs to respect a joint decision you took with DH. By the same token, she is undermining her own son.

I would be furious, and make a big fuss. I cannot even stand being addressed with my husbands initial. My MIL gave me family addresses using Men’s initials for wedding invitations and was clearly annoyed that I didn’t apply the convention.

I only took my married name because it’s easier to spell, and makes me feel connected to a friend of mine with the same name that died the year before my wedding.

Your MIL sounds dreadfully rude!

I get this a lot, from all parents, annoying and try to rise above it! I’ve mentioned it when they have sent me a birthday cheque in the name of a bank account which doesn’t exist. We’ve been married for 12 years. No sign of any of them cottoning on. My mil also divorced but kept fils surname 😵‍💫 The lack of respect for your husband line makes me mad, he wouldn’t change his name, why the hell should I??

Your right to be miffed after 5 years. But I have some sympathy for your mil as I hate double barrelled names because they are illogical and going further could end up ridiculous.

eg. Mr Penry-Jones marries Miss Fortesque-Smyth so will now be known as

Mr and Mrs Penry-Fortesque-Smyth-Jones

And that's just one generation, my son still jokes that he has to phonetically spell his first and surnames as the spellings are not the most commonly used.... I'm glad we didn't go down the double barrelled route.

Totally missing the point, but I’ve always worried about double barrelling as what happens if two people with double barrelled surnames marry? Like what the hell are they then known as?! I liked it when a friend and her dh made up a new surname for them to use. Very sweet.

It sounds like she's doing it PRECISELY because it annoys you.

So, stop responding to it. Ignore this behavior (teachers call the tactic of ignoring bad behavior "extinction.")

Just use your name as you wish, and insist that the kids do, too.

CULTURAL NOTE: In Spain and in Muslim society, women keep their names. IMHO it really is a sign that you are an independent woman, on terms of equality with your husband.

‘Haha- you ARE forgetful, aren’t you? It’s Smith-Jones now- REMEMBER?’

Every. Time.

YANBU
I have this situation with DH's family.
We're the same as you, I kept my surname, children are double barrelled.
All of his side of the family address cards to Mrs Hisname to me and Kids Hisname, still after 14 years of marriage.

I told DH to correct them and he has - his brother and wife recently sent a card to our son Kid c/o Dad eg Bob c/o Jack Williams so avoiding using their double barrelled name altogether!

I find it very insulting. Imagine me going round there and continually calling them Dave and Mel when they've already corrected me and told me their names are Donald and Mary!
Luckily we don't talk very often so I don't have to put up with any comments.

Anything they like, they could take one name or double barrel one of each or use all 4 if they want to. It's not a big deal

My MiL kept her own surname back in the 1930’s as did my DStepMiL. They and DH were surprised that anyone would consider changing their surname.
My family had a different attitude though and always referred to me as Mrs His surname until the day they died. Some of my school friends still call me the wrong name 35 years on. Most of my friends now (we’re all over 60) kept their own surname. It’s not a recent thing or confined to the younger generation.

Bit PA but I'd probably mark all mail addressed to Mrs DH name "return to sender, not known at this address" and stick it back in the post box and repeat until she gets the message, cheeky cow!
We have the right to decide on our names after marriage and divorce. I get equally annoyed with people who insist I should use Ms as I'm divorced but I hate it! It isn't even a word, it's a sound, "Mzzz". We don't say "Mrrrr" we say "Mister" as that is what Mr is an abbreviation for. Sadly Ms was originally short for "Mistress" but that has dodgy connotations these days. And as for going back to my father's name, I hated him every bit as much as I grew to hate DH so... Two of my children still carry their father's name and may well do until the end of their lives and I have had my married surname much longer than my maiden name so I'll do as I please thank you very much. It's fine make a mistake once, naming if married/divorced women is a minefield but once said wan has told you her preference no more "mistakes" should be made!

Said woman*

🤣🤣🤣love this!!

I never married my kid’s dad and they’ve both got my last name because I knew marriage would never happen for us.

His family send their birthday/Christmas cards to them with their dad’s last name on. I suspect they don’t know that they’ve got my name.

thankfully it’ll never be me telling them 🤦🏻‍♀️

I think the real issue is why you are so defensive about keeping/ letting it be known of your pre marital name. Are you part of the Disney family?

Why is someone choosing to keep her own name, the ‘real issue’? Is it a ‘real issue’ when men keep their ‘premarital name’, or only when women do it?

Also very interested in the relevance of the Disney family.

This isn’t the hill I’m dying on as I can’t be bothered. But anything from DHs side of the family is address to Mr & Mrs Hissurname. They do know, or at least some of them do but I’ve never reminded them and I’m putting it down to forgetfulness not malice.

I made my stand in giving the DC my surname, then when we married I didn’t change my name and DH and I agreed to double barrel the DC but I told him he had to sort the paperwork. He never did.

Just "Mr and Mrs Surname" works perfectly well. For me it's the inclusion of DH's initial that makes it sexist and insulting. I address all cards like that when I send Christmas cards etc. If I'm sending a card to an unmarried couple I usually just go for "first name" & "first name".

Batshit.

Why don't you have a look at the many other times that's been discussed on this thread. Or just use your imagination/ common sense.

OP, genuine question. If you had a daughter (you may have!), and she has a double barrelled surname now, what would you expect her to do when she marries? I’m not been snippy, your name you do what you like, just genuinely curious.

You can do Mr & Mrs Smith or Sandra and John Smith. I am not Mr & Mrs John Smith. That is so out dated.