ILs refusing to use my name

[namechangedasouting]

DH and I married 5+ years ago. I kept my name, children are double barrelled. MIL (divorced from FIL but has kept her married name) has always found it personally insulting that I wanted to keep my name. All cards etc. Are addressed to "Mrs DH surname" and for the kids the same. I've really tried to just let it go - she knows these aren't our names so correcting her over and over seems pointless. She's now started "correcting" DH's other family members who send the kids cards addressed correctly. Her latest comment to DH's aunt (whilst we were there) was "they are "DH surname" through and through, why pretend otherwise?"

AIBU in finding this annoying?

AppleandRhubarbTart Yes but by doing this in a 'name up in lights in Vegas' manner - BIG, BOLD, SENT TO EVERYONE, then you would lessen the chance of confusion in general and anyone being a total knob

As a Lucy Stoner, I doubt it.

People doing it to be knobs will still be knobs, indeed the clearer you make it that you want to be called your actual name not your husband's, the more encouraged some of them are. If anything you'd make them worse, and they certainly won't improve because of it.

And the honest mistakes will still honest mistake, because people forget, especially when you've been married a long time. I've experienced people in good faith going to more effort to call me Mrs DH, even when they'd been made aware at some point. For example wedding invitations to both of us when the couple only knew me and had to find DH and his surname on social media. This wasn't deliberate.

Basically, convention, twattishness and forgetfulness all factor in here. Making it clear what your actual name is doesn't necessarily mitigate that.

don't let it go. the more you let it go, the more she'll
push it. every time she mentions DH name and ignores yours, correct her. my DM married my DF and took his name, but ensured that her name was always present, whether it be in hospital papers, schools, and well known amongst friends and families. it's common sense that whether married or not, sharing your husbands name or not, your family history SHOULD NOT be left behind. YANBU your MIL is being a pain.

I didn't change my name on marriage, although my son has his dad's surname and not mine. He has a version of my surname as his first name.

I occasionally get cards addressed to Babyjellyfish Husbandsname from people who don't seem to have realised that I kept my own name, but it's not malicious. The only person I've had any trouble with is my own mother, who really struggled with the idea that I hadn't changed my name, but has now accepted it. She came up with some really silly arguments, like, "But how will the postman know where to deliver the letter?" Er, because the letter box has both our names on it, Mum.

I've only seen my in-laws write my name once, on a letter they had to write on my behalf for something nationality-related. They wrote both surnames but I think it was to underline the family relationship. All three of their daughters in law have kept their surnames and they respect that.

I could ask you the same question. You asked me to Google the use of ‘Miss’, I asked you to do the same and provided you with links to get you started.

Nothing you have linked or quoted supports your claim that Miss is used from birth until marriage, beyond 30 if unmarried it is Ms. This was your initial statement, with which I disagreed. If you have anything to back it up, I'm happy to read it, but you haven’t provided anything, thus far.

Unpopular opionion but: with stubborn in-laws it's about picking your battles. I would try to laugh this off and keep the fighting for more important stuff.

@150poundrebate

I am not a social scientist. From what I could see most research in this area is old dating back to 70s/80s and much is access only.

The articles you gave yourself show that Miss is commonly used for girls and young women although some use Ms as an alternative particularly if professional. Mrs for married women, again with Ms. as alternative. And generally for older women - as per the paper I provided Ms is more appropriate. The figure of 30 is what was taught to me as good etiquette and what is generally quoted in various websites, especially those talking about wedding invites. But the academic research does not quote a specific figure. I wouldn’t consider addressing any friends over the age of 30 as a Miss.

Possibly. Unfortunately, from my perspective rather than capitulate it's simply been easier to back right off.

People like this are clearly happy to take the risk that this will happen. It seems they have no reason to care. My in-laws would have had my willing cooperation and, if not closeness or a friendship I would ever have chosen, at least a reciprocal effort at a working relationship.

Cleary, a refusal to accept my own identity is merely a symptom of a larger problem, as I suspect is true in the majority of cases. But this is courtesy of a fairly fundamental and basic level. It sucks all the more for me because my name is one of the few links I have left with my own family, most of whom died quite young. When spiteful in-laws attempt to invalidate even that, also cutting out your own portion of your child's name, it stings, I'm not going to pretend it doesn't. It should also be pointed out that invalidating someone, implicitly suggesting they can't even be bothered to remember your name, or knowing it but simply refusing to respect it, is a classic abusive tactic. DH has asked numerous times for it to stop. It doesn't (or she will misspell my name once and then revert to Mrs Hisname).

So, I withdrew (again there is more to the story than this). I can choose to accept better than that for myself and I really don't have time for this shit. Life's too short.

So, you agree? Nothing you have linked or quoted supports your claim that Miss is used from birth until marriage, beyond 30 if unmarried it is Ms?

You said that, I asked you where you’d got that info and you told me to Google it. That’s how this conversation began. Googling it provides no basis for that statement. You say that’s the figure provided on ‘various websites’, but haven’t provided links to those websites.

So, your basis for the usage of Miss v Ms being based on the age of 30 is what your family told you. And, according to the numerous sources we’ve both found, that is not the case. You are not required to be a social scientist to see that.

@150poundrebate

www.shutterfly.com/ideas/difference-between-ms-mrs-miss/

www.diamondsfactory.co.uk/blog/miss-mrs-ms-what-is-the-difference

www.brides.com/difference-between-miss-ms-mrs-4802684

www.grammarly.com/blog/ms-mrs-miss-difference/

www.theknot.com/content/difference-between-miss-ms-mrs

www.diffen.com/difference/Miss_vs_Ms

www.thebalancecareers.com/when-to-use-miss-mrs-or-ms-3514830

@150poundrebate that is from the first page of results alone when typing in “use of Miss” to google. Is that enough?

I would have preferred to have provided you with proper journals, however surprise surprise there mustn’t be many grants going around to investigate this sort of thing… or interest as very sparse on the face of it.

In any event it appears that in the realms of general society a young unmarried woman often referred to as a Miss.

I stand corrected. Your family and websites like brides.com and the knot. So, nothing from a reputable source or involving actual research or that’s been peer reviewed. I didn’t think I needed to add that caveat, but clearly I did.

I give up. I hope that you have a pleasant afternoon.

It’s so strange that in an era when people can change their prefixes to they/them that there are still these antiquated ideas about women in marriage! Surely we can choose Ms Miss or Mrs at any age?!

Also Anne Widdecombe is a Miss (not married, but not young)

We've done the same thing with our surnames. My aunt is the culprit though, she does the same thing. I just think it's weird/ adhering to a defunct tradition and brush it off.
I think my MIL was quite miffed initially that I didn't take on DH's surname. I wonder if that's what's at play here, that she's punishing you for doing something she thinks is unnecessary or rude?

Because married women, mothers etc aren't of interest in that section of politics...

Oh dear god.

I am not a social scientist. There is sod all available without access, which I don’t currently have, nor could I upload it here legally.

My point is in general society the perception - and idea that joe bloggs is being fed - is that a young unmarried woman is a Miss - for goodness sake on one of those they’re saying it should be for under 18s only!

I’m sorry but I’m not going to spend my day delving into papers or paying for access for something I have absolutely zero interest in to prove a point to you.

People can refer to themselves however they want. Not for me to dictate. But quite clear what is generally accepted for the public.

Were we to adopt the French/German model with Madame/Frau and address every woman as 'Mrs' once they reach adult years, I'd not have a problem with this.

The UK differs in that women have 'maiden' names, together with titles which as good as announce their sexual status on superficial acquaintance. The deed poll site on the link posted above makes repeated reference to maiden names. This isn't only antiquated and sexist but utterly nauseating. Women have surnames, or family names. We're not adjuncts to men, and the idea that our sexual status connotes the entirety of our actual social status - well, to coin a Mumsnet gem, it boils my piss.

I insist on 'Dr', a thing I once thought pretentious and said I'd never do, for precisely the above reasons. It's neutral, defines me in a professional sense and not in relation to any man, and it avoids any silly, snippy, snarky discussion (yes, I've had them before I qualified) about the Miss/Mrs/Ms nonsense.

Easy get-out for me, but the point is that women shouldn't need a PhD to achieve a moderately respectful title. In fact, titles overall are hogwash. Why are they necessary? A name is sufficient to identify anyone surely.

As computer fields, shopping sites, web pages, login screens ALL still require this anachronism, I'll use Dr if available or if not will accept Ms. Miss or Mrs? Just no.

Actually agree with everything above, I think you’re perfectly correct that women shouldn’t be defined as an adjunct to men and they ought to just have Ms. and be done with it.

My only objection to it is I personally perceive it as a bit matronly - all the Ms. I knew as a child were old women who hadn’t married, Ms. for younger wasn’t such a thing then. I’ve retained the association.

I do remember being semi bullied about my degree certificate with female staff asking if I wanted my married or maiden name on it. They were astounded I wanted my married name….. already plotting my divorce 😂… as far as I could see I was happy as wanted our family to all have the same name, no particular connection to my fathers’s name over husband’s and even if I do get a divorce I have the same name as my children so that suited me. I did feel like I was being pressured by some ultra feminist movement which annoyed me.

I don’t mind being referred to as Mrs, I’m proud of my marriage and happy to be associated with it. I don’t feel it compromises my sense of self but I can understand for others they might feel that way or have more of an attachment to their father’s name.

I'd have a problem with it. Not with the concept of a universal adult woman title, that's a good idea, but with it being Mrs. The connotations are unacceptable.

Royal mail gets delivered to the ADDRESS, not the name, so you could have a letter to Mickey Mouse at your address and if the address and postcode are correct it will be delivered to you regardless of the postie knowing that your name isn't Mickey or Minnie Mouse.

I had the same problem with my exc mil it used to upset me. I would advise that you return all cards unopened stating no one of that name lives here. If you get the chance to sit down and talk with her ask her why do you ignore the name and if it continued I would get DH to talk to her then if it still went on I would cut her out of your life. She knows what she is doing and is she hostile in any other way. I had a living hell with my ex mil it’s horrible that people who are family act like this. Let us know how you get on.

So you mail het a card on her birthday with her maiden name on it.....amd just tell her...as she is divorced this is the name you will be using for her now.

This. Annoy the shit out of her till she gets fed up with getting it wrong.

As a professional with certificates I have always kept my name. Cant tell someone I am qualified and then they are unable to match me because my surname is different. Two out my friends have kept theirs too. Its a choice you make. My sisters husband took my sisters name, that should also be more common!

Slats and Flats
What's the point of getting married if you keep your name? Always baffled me

I got married because I loved the man and wanted to spend my life with him. I never changed my name name on marriage. I was well known in my field by my maiden name and had no intention of changing it.

It's easier to change your name my Deed Poll if that's what you want to do than go through a marriage! (Or just call yourself another name if in 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿).