I've been asking DH to share the burden of housework for ten years now, AIBU to issue an ultimatum?

[WiggyClawsThe2nd]

Just that really. Have tried every single way of asking. I've shouted and screamed in frustration, I've burst into tears, I've quietly and calmly asked, I've made reasoned arguments as to why it should be an equal division of labour (at different times!) Every time he agrees to do more. And then does even less. If I raise it now he acts like I'm being a nag, or hysterical over something unimportant. Am now at the end of my tether. AIBU to give him an ultimatum?

You work more hours and yet there he still sits.

He's been telling you what he thinks of you all this time: he doesn't give a shit. He resents you even perhaps.

Honestly my DH is like this, but he just doesn't care if he even notices. He will just shrug, like oh that's got 5cm of dust oh well. He's tidy but it doesn't stretch to actually cleaning anything.

It is not a silly thing to end a marriage over. He is freeloading off of your work. He is taking you for granted and doesn't care that you get exhausted and feel invisible. That is a big sign of disrespect. It is a pretty big thing to end a marriage over.

@mummabubs This is completely unsustainable. You cannot continue be reduced to tears before every visitor arrival or trip away. The fact that your DH witnesses this AND STILL DOES NOTHING TO STEP UP shows you what is really going on here. He doesn't care that you are his skivvy (he likes it) & he doesn't care how upset it makes you.

Every time before visitors arrive or before we go away for the weekend I always end up crying because it's so stressful organising everything for me the DC and the dog. He always says he'll help if if ask... But I don't want to have to ask!!
So don't ask.
TELL.
"DH we have a hour before Sally & Jim arrive. In that time, I will be sorting the kitchen. You will hoover the living room, clean the bathroom, & make up the guest bed."

Any pushback? - In your extreme instance - I'd just go out. Leave him to it.
Let him cope with the unfinished chores, & the visitors arriving without you to welcome & host them.
Same for trips. "Shame you're not ready - did you imagine it was my job to organise you? We'll head off without you. You can catch up when you've worked out where your suitcase lives & how to pack it. I am no longer your unpaid valet - got it?"

I blame him, also his mum who literally waited on him hand and foot into his late twenties until I met him, so he's never known how to take care of himself or had incentive to learn.
Give him a fucking incentive then.
Find your rage. How DARE he see you as his skivvy?
Stop crying. Start getting him told.

I know @SenselessUbiquity - even at 3rd hand, the frustrated rage is ... ugggh!

If this man put half the energy he puts into deliberately taunting his wife into getting the fucking dustcloth out, the marriage might have a chance of survival.

But as always - it's not about the chores.
It's about the contempt, arrogance & selfishness.
Such a turn-off. I don't know how PP shag these men that treat them as chattels.

"But I'm stubborn".
So is he - as evidenced by 10 years of him stubbornly going out of his way to disregard his wife.

He will ignore the 'his'n'hers' cupboards, use up all OP's, then wait her out until she caves in like he's trained her to for a decade, & deals with the mess herself.

No, it’s not. Disrespecting your partner and not pulling your weight around the house is the most off putting thing ever.

Well done @WakeMeUpWhenTheyHaveGone!! Hope he remembers this incident (though I doubt it) the next time he wants to invite people over but expects to do none of the work involved. 🌹

Leave and tell him if he wants you back he can get his shit together and grow up. Give him a deadline and stick to it. If he backslides, leave him for good.

I once came out of a long spell in hospital to find they hadn't done any housework. Absolutely nothing. Don't let him do that to you.

Wiggy, although I reckon any ultimatum will be pointless window-dressing, if you still feel that 10 years-worth of chances are not enough & you need to give him one more, I'd like to help you see past your denial.

So - if you want to - here's a 3-stage homework challenge:

1. You need to get your head round the fact that your DH sees you as less than human. To him, you are the satellite that revolves around the centre of his own, fully realised, humanity.
   Chores, drudgery, & the mental load belong solely to you, & you exist to facilitate his enjoyment of family life, a comfortable home, & all mod cons without having to think about how any of it happens. Let alone do anything about it.
   Read this, & keep considering DH's belief that you are not a proper human -
   www.amazon.co.uk/Are-Women-Human-International-Dialogues/dp/0674025555

2. Think back over the past week. Write down everything you have done to make your household function. Think really hard - don't let habit minimise the amount you do. Everything from knowing where DC's football socks are to getting everyone fed, clothed, off to school & not missing doctor's appointments. All the tiny steps it takes to get a meal on the table or a clean shirt on his back. Include all the thinking time.
   Now make a list with 2 columns titled Wiggy / DH.
   Put every task from your list under the relevant name.
   £5 says his is blank, bar "put bins out".
   £10 yours is missing the entry that says "tell DH several times to put bins out".

3. PP have posted this article upthread.
   www.myjoyonline.com/my-wife-divorced-me-because-i-left-the-dishes-by-the-sink/
   When you have made your list, if you still want to give him an ultimatum - ie "one last chance", effectively - send him the article. (Do NOT mention this thread btw)

Then explain that unless he 'gets' the writer's point in the article, & steps up immediately, you are done.

Sadly, I suspect he will react with shock & anger.
(Equality feels like oppression to the privileged.)
After giving you a hard time / sulking / minimising / DARVO'ing you / whatever, he may even go through the motions of compliance.
But I give it less than a week.

What will you do then?
Are you ready to leave him the next time he lets you down?

I've read Fair Play cards mentioned on here - has anyone else used them and found they worked?
I'm planning a massive clear out and would like to establish better practices moving beyond that (he's worse than me but I don't do half of the cleaning people talk about on here either)

@Samarie123
Never nag! It’s the most off putting thing ever

Do you have a solution then, O Wise One, or did you just pop your head over the parapet to enjoy a little light goady fuckerdom?

He doesn't respect you or care about your happiness if it involves him putting some work in. An ultimatum wont change that after 10 years.

Unless there are much deeper issues in the relationship, surely this can be worked through without a divorce/ departure. Can you say to your child a few years later, I left your daddy because he didn't do enough cleaning?
She won't be saying that @Petros9.
She'll be saying "I left your daddy because he treated me like a servant, held my feelings & therefore me in contempt, felt his free time was more important than my exhaustion, & that he was more important than me."

It amazes me how quickly some MN posters advocate divorce for relatively minor issues (like a husband not liking her cat, for instance). Marriage has to involve bearing with one another. It's a lifelong commitment.
Twaddle. 50% of those "lifelong commitments" end in divorce.
I wonder how many of those divorces are for exactly this disrespect from the DH.

Op do you both drive?
How about you never, ever fill the car with petrol?Akways leave it on empty when you know he has to use it, always. When he mentions it just shrug and say”Oh do stop nagging about it!”
Then ignore him. Then when he brings it up just say well that’s how I feel every time you don’t do x or y.

I wish people would stop recommending cleaners as a solution in this kind of situations.
First, it does not deal with the problem that he considers his time more valuable than yours and believes it's all your job.

Second, unless you're talking about a live-in maid who will follow the DH around cleaning up after him, it will get even worse. He will feel he needs to do nothing, as 'he' has hired a cleaner already. So if the cleaner comes once per week to scrub the bathrooms, OP will still have all the daily dishes and picking up his socks to do.

Badlifeday

We have recently started using the Fair Play cards. It’s early days but the best thing is that it highlights just how much stuff their is to do to keep family and domestic life ticking along. It helped us both to realise the things that we each tend to take on and it gives us a structure to work with. An external something that is holding us both to task IYSWIM? Rather than it being me in charge and trying to get him to do stuff. I’d recommend. It’s very USA focussed so we had to make it our own.

Can you get a cleaner? And spend your time enjoying your life and your marriage.

Your husband doesn’t see you as ‘less than human’ - some of these replies need to get a grip! He’s just lazy, OP.

I have a friend whose husband did change after about 20years. It's like as if he had an awakening. I do think that is very rare though.

He is a lucky man who doesn't appreciate what he has, he certainly doesn't deserve it, domestic jobs are beneath him but fine for you.

You can't be serious? Are you honestly that desperate to hang onto a man? I read stuff on here and can't believe what women will put up with just to keep a man 🤢 What an absolute waste of your one and only life.

Whilst he sounds like a lazy selfish pig you really have sat back for 10 years and allowed this so I doubt much will change now it’s 10 years too late

How would you describe the interpersonal dynamic going on here then @DogsAndGin ?
Have tried every single way of asking. I've shouted and screamed in frustration, I've burst into tears, I've quietly and calmly asked, I've made reasoned arguments as to why it should be an equal division of labour (at different times!) Every time he agrees to do more. And then does even less

That's not "lazy".
That's utter contempt for another human's wellbeing.
It's total entitlement to her unpaidlabour, & no care for her feelings.
She works longer paid hours than him too. Yet he still expects her to be busy with chores all evening while he enjoys his leisure.

He sees his wife as less than human. Have a read of Catharine McKinnon's book "Are Women Human?" if the concept is too difficult for you to accept. Link upthread.

There's your mistake, "asking" for 10 years (JFC)

Asking hasn't worked, try "Telling".

"Your To-do list for this week is on the fridge.".