BIL to be has been in my life for over a decade, along with his ex-girlfriend who he was with when I first met them both. They broke up 5 years ago, however she has been my closest friend for nearly 9 years now. Yes I met her through BIL, but she is best friend to me, auntie to my kids and not really thought of as his ex girlfriend, we have an entirely seperate relationship. She is engaged and has a baby with her partner since him. The world has moved on a lot since then.
If BIL was a reasonable person then there wouldn’t be an issue, but he’s a dick. I tolerate him for my fiancé but I find him a complete narcissist and having witnessed how utterly disgusting he was to my friend during their break up find it hard to really respect him anymore. Regardless he’s my BIL so I’m polite when I see him but we don’t have a relationship more so than that. Despite the fact his vile behaviour was the reason his relationship ended and how awful he was to her afterwards he blames her and makes it no lie he hates her, makes digs about her all the time, has tried to make me fall out with her many times etc, utterly pathetic for a 40yo man. Anyway he’s now refusing to come to our wedding because she’s coming. When we initially planned I said to my partner that his brother will kick off if she’s there and he said probably but he would never expect me to get married without her so that was settled. We didn’t think he’d go as far as not coming, and he is now saying just that. My partner is being lovely about it and saying he’s the one with the problem and he would never expect me to uninvite her but I know he will be gutted if his brother isn’t there. I feel like I should back down so that my partner will have him there as I know how much it’ll mean to him but at the same time she is like a sister to me and I would hate her to not be there, especially when there’s no valid reason for her not to be.
AIBU to not back down, even if it might ruin the wedding for my partner? I don’t want to let BIL win.