To not let brother in law win, even though it’ll ruin our wedding

[rageyfeminist]

BIL to be has been in my life for over a decade, along with his ex-girlfriend who he was with when I first met them both. They broke up 5 years ago, however she has been my closest friend for nearly 9 years now. Yes I met her through BIL, but she is best friend to me, auntie to my kids and not really thought of as his ex girlfriend, we have an entirely seperate relationship. She is engaged and has a baby with her partner since him. The world has moved on a lot since then.

If BIL was a reasonable person then there wouldn’t be an issue, but he’s a dick. I tolerate him for my fiancé but I find him a complete narcissist and having witnessed how utterly disgusting he was to my friend during their break up find it hard to really respect him anymore. Regardless he’s my BIL so I’m polite when I see him but we don’t have a relationship more so than that. Despite the fact his vile behaviour was the reason his relationship ended and how awful he was to her afterwards he blames her and makes it no lie he hates her, makes digs about her all the time, has tried to make me fall out with her many times etc, utterly pathetic for a 40yo man. Anyway he’s now refusing to come to our wedding because she’s coming. When we initially planned I said to my partner that his brother will kick off if she’s there and he said probably but he would never expect me to get married without her so that was settled. We didn’t think he’d go as far as not coming, and he is now saying just that. My partner is being lovely about it and saying he’s the one with the problem and he would never expect me to uninvite her but I know he will be gutted if his brother isn’t there. I feel like I should back down so that my partner will have him there as I know how much it’ll mean to him but at the same time she is like a sister to me and I would hate her to not be there, especially when there’s no valid reason for her not to be.

AIBU to not back down, even if it might ruin the wedding for my partner? I don’t want to let BIL win.

[WalkWithDignityAndPride]

"Why are you bothered? She's finally with a man who is capable of giving her children. You should be happy"

Then watch the explosion and problem solved.

[pictish]

So hopefully self-important, deluded bil has been told get on his bike and pedal by now.

[KettrickenSmiled]

@RedHelenB

It's your dps brother. I think that trumps your friend at a wedding even though he's awful. Ynbu, but I'd not invite the friend, just on this one occasion. If I was the friend I'd understand.

Why should the manipulative tactics of this man 'trump' OP's desire to have her best mate at her own wedding?

He was invited. He chose to make a performance over declining, purely in an attempt to establish dominance, as he imagined his emotional blackmail would get his ex - the bride's best pal - excluded, & he could feel powerful & in control.

What on earth makes you think it's a good plan to pander to a man that self-centred & immoral, @RedHelenB? The fact that they came out of the same womb? Ridiculous. OP & her fiance aren't banning him - he's invited - but he wants them to ban his ex, & doesn't give a shit how anyone else feels about that.

[user1471538283]

As others have said invite them both. If he refuses to come because your best friend is there that us up to him.

He doesn't give a shit about seeing you or his brother on such a special day. He wants to control it. For all his talk of blood he would not be there for his brother.

Your friend would be devastated to not see you get married and be there for you.

[VintageGibbon]

Don't be bullied by him. Make it very clear to him he is invited and put them on tables as far away from each other as possible. But don't pander any further. If he chooses not to come, that's his immaturity.

[IncompleteSenten]

I'd rather piss off a nasty twat than hurt a lovely person.

[Moodycow78]

@thewreckofthehesperus

So either way one of you would end up without someone who is important to you at the wedding? I think in this case you have to just be as neutral as you can be. Invite both and if he decides he won't attend then that's his decision and it's on him.

Men like that tend to thrive on drama so I'd put money on him being adamant he won't attend but then actually showing up on the day. I'd also have people well warned to keep an eye on him at the wedding if he does attend so that he doesn't try and spoil the day!

This! My brother's similar and Tbh I wish he hadn't come but he did luckily we had people on hand to keep him in check, good luck.

[Sally872]

She is your best friend, he is his horrible brother. Your fiance may be disappointed but I expect he is used to his brother being awkward.

They are both invited, if bil declines that is his decision.

If it were my brother I would also be disappointed/angry at being manipulated into uninviting wife's best friend too so I don't think uninviting friend to suit BIL would fix it anyway.

[Honeyroar]

Tell him he’s invited, she’s invited. They’ll be at separate tables, we’ll away from each other, don’t have to even speak to each other. She’ll be with her fiancé and baby. There’s nothing for him to worry about (yes patronising!). Tell him “blood” as he puts it, shouldn’t try and blackmail blood and make them feel bad about inviting someone they split up with several years ago and profess to be over. Tell him you’ll be sorry if he feels he won’t come, but the day is about all YOUR AND YOUR FIANCÉ’S friends and family coming together to celebrate your wedding day. Tell him his long finished ex relationship cannot dictate who is invited.

My nightmare brother didn’t come to my wedding and it was a lot less stressful because of it!

[CantGetDecentNickname]

Your wedding should be about you and your DP, not your BIL. He is utterly self-centred and would probably cause a scene or at the least be making nasty remarks were he to attend as he doesn't seem to be able to put anyone else before himself and behave for one day. He would be determined to spoil things for you if he did go as a sort of "punishment" for remaining friends with her. He has no right to do this. Please do invite both and heave a sigh of relief when he decides not to attend for such a pathetic reason. Make sure you invite someone in his place so he can't change his mind at the last minute.

If he says anything, you can just look very surprised, laugh and point out that "she never mentions you, you know, I think she's put it all behind her and got on with her life years ago" etc. Then don't mention it again, but do talk loudly and constantly about your wedding plans, honeymoon etc. until he leaves.

If anyone else asks about him not going, you can just say he had a hang-up about your friend and can't really seem to move on.

[LAMPS1]

He says he should be your priority. Well what’s he complaining about then. It has been demonstrated that he’s a priority because he has been invited. Sadly, he has declined the invite for his own personal reasons. You can’t compel him to attend.
Its not his job to decide on your wedding guest list. And it’s not his business to comment on that guest list either. He isn’t the groom.
You invite who you want to be there to witness your marriage. They attend if they want to witness your marriage. If they don’t want to witness your marriage, for any reason, then it’s not your job to ask why or to try to persuade them otherwise.
You must just accept that he doesn’t wish to be there.
Don’t even bring your friend into this issue.
Tell him thanks for letting you know he won’t be attending and that you are sad about that but understand he has his own personal reasons which are nothing to do with you. Let him know the cut off date up to which you can add him back into the numbers for catering purposes. And don’t engage with him any further on the subject other than that.

[motherofcatsandbears]

More room in the ball pit for the other babies.

[cigarettesNalcohol]

Read between the lines op, your partner doesn't even sound bothered about his brother being there or not! His words right ? So run with it and let the BIL sulk. He'll probably decide to come last minute anyway when he sees no one cares about his tantrum so don't let him win and risk upsetting your closest friend because of his games... guarantee BIL is just pissing around. Don't bite. Don't rise. Just say 'ok don't come' and just you wait... the day before the wedding he'll decide he's coming anyway! This is your wedding. Priories your friendship. Be glad your partner isn't bothered and forcing you to choose. The worst thing to do would be to uninvite your friend because of BIL's game playing when BIL has ever intention of coming, he's just attention seeking.

[SamphirethePogoingStickerist]

It really boils down to "it being blood" and your BIL using his brother's wedding as a battle ground - for a war only he is waging!

If "blood" was that important to him he would have shut up and decided to be nice for the day, for his brother, his family, his "blood". But people who use that phrase don't often see it as being a two way thing!

Your OH has said he isn't fussed, that's your answer. BIL is invited, the ball is in his court. Nobody else need give it any thought at all!

[LoveSpringDaffs]

@rageyfeminist

Agree as per 99/100 posters!

your DF is a keeper
your BF IS, well, your BF

your BIL is a monumental twat. His choice to be there or not. Don't ruin your friendship over this twat, he's caused her enough pain in the past, don't let him do this too!

it's NOT his wedding, he can choose whether to attend or not, that's the limit to his input!

[lisavanderpumpscloset]

"My partner is being lovely about it and saying he’s the one with the problem and he would never expect me to uninvite her but I know he will be gutted if his brother isn’t there."

If your BIL gave half a shit about your DP he'd put this to one side to be at his wedding. Obviously he doesn't care enough to and wants you both to pander to him.

Don't do it. Have your bestie there and find a way to show your lovely DP how much it means to you, you're lucky he can see the faults in his brother

[Indoctro]

He is a moron, invite both and it's his choice to come or not.

[Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic]

Definitely do NOT uninvite your friend. This is BIL's problem not yours or your DH's. He's behaving childishly and i wouldn't want him there if i were you. He's trying to blackmail you by saying if she goes he won't go, ignore him and carry on with your wedding plans. He can miss out if he wants, it's his loss not yours.

[LoveSpringDaffs]

@RedHelenB

It's your dps brother. I think that trumps your friend at a wedding even though he's awful. Ynbu, but I'd not invite the friend, just on this one occasion. If I was the friend I'd understand.

Obviously you're entitled to your opinion, but I'm glad you're swimming against the tide.

[Beautiful3]

You've done nothing wrong. They are both invited. If bil doesn't want to come to support his brother, then that's on him. I bed he will turn up at the last minute, because deep down, he knows it's the right thing to do.

[ShandaLear]

He cannot dictate who you invite to your wedding. That is a disgusting thing to do. They should both receive invitations. If he chooses not to come then that’s his choice, nobody else’s.

[NamechangeFML]

Oh well, one more place for someone who actually cares for you both

[girlmom21]

@RedHelenB

It's your dps brother. I think that trumps your friend at a wedding even though he's awful. Ynbu, but I'd not invite the friend, just on this one occasion. If I was the friend I'd understand.

Just on this one occasion? It's her wedding day. If you can't invite your best friend to your wedding, you'll always be dictated to by him.

[viques]

As is said often in MN, an invitation is an request, not a command. You have requested the pleasure of your friends company, she has accepted, meanwhile your OH has requested the (dubious) pleasure of his brothers company. He has declined.

[NoSquirrels]

Your official bride & groom line should be “BIL is invited as our guest. BFF is invited as our guest. We’re looking forward to celebrating with our guests.” That’s to anyone who asks or has an opinion - United front all the way.

Privately your fiancé should tell his brother how much it would hurt him if his brother chose not to come, but that he’ll accept whatever he decides.

BFF shouldn’t know there’s any drama at all - clearly that’s what mad bad BIL wants.