To not let brother in law win, even though it’ll ruin our wedding

[rageyfeminist]

BIL to be has been in my life for over a decade, along with his ex-girlfriend who he was with when I first met them both. They broke up 5 years ago, however she has been my closest friend for nearly 9 years now. Yes I met her through BIL, but she is best friend to me, auntie to my kids and not really thought of as his ex girlfriend, we have an entirely seperate relationship. She is engaged and has a baby with her partner since him. The world has moved on a lot since then.

If BIL was a reasonable person then there wouldn’t be an issue, but he’s a dick. I tolerate him for my fiancé but I find him a complete narcissist and having witnessed how utterly disgusting he was to my friend during their break up find it hard to really respect him anymore. Regardless he’s my BIL so I’m polite when I see him but we don’t have a relationship more so than that. Despite the fact his vile behaviour was the reason his relationship ended and how awful he was to her afterwards he blames her and makes it no lie he hates her, makes digs about her all the time, has tried to make me fall out with her many times etc, utterly pathetic for a 40yo man. Anyway he’s now refusing to come to our wedding because she’s coming. When we initially planned I said to my partner that his brother will kick off if she’s there and he said probably but he would never expect me to get married without her so that was settled. We didn’t think he’d go as far as not coming, and he is now saying just that. My partner is being lovely about it and saying he’s the one with the problem and he would never expect me to uninvite her but I know he will be gutted if his brother isn’t there. I feel like I should back down so that my partner will have him there as I know how much it’ll mean to him but at the same time she is like a sister to me and I would hate her to not be there, especially when there’s no valid reason for her not to be.

AIBU to not back down, even if it might ruin the wedding for my partner? I don’t want to let BIL win.

[SammyScrounge]

You invite him and you invite your friend as it would be very wrong to accede to his demands.
If he refuses to attend his own brother's wedding, that's his choice, isn't it?

[diddl]

Like anyone he can decline an invitation for any reason-or for no reason!

Your fiance needs to not be gutted as his brother doesn't care enough to spend one day in the presence of an ex of 5yrs who he treated badly.

The point of the day is that the two of you are married-regardless of who attends!

[impossible]

Your partner sounds lovely and reasonable so the problem lies entirely with BIL. He is invited to your wedding, as is your BF. It's up them if they come. Don't dis-invite your BF for BIL's benefit - that is not a happy start to a wedding day or to a marriage. There may be many other celebratory occasions ahead so don't set a precedent by letting BIL control your guest list.

Make it clear to BIL that you and your partner would love him to be at your wedding (you, if only for your partner's sake) and he will be missed if he doesn't show. Then leave it to him. If BIL chooses not to come it only reflects badly on him.

And as Noisyprat says, take the view that people say what they mean, in this case your partner. Second guessing is exhausting.

[Lindy2]

If you back down you'll have this issue at every significant event going forward. He'll do the same thing for birthdays, christenings etc.

I think you need to set how it's going to be now. He's invited, he's welcome to attend but he is not going to tell you who you can or cannot invite to your wedding.

We made the mistake of backing down to MIL when we got married. There were family members we would have liked to be there but weren't because of her threatening not to come if they were there. We regret that now.

She tried the same approach when we were organising our baby's christening. At that point we put a stop to her setting conditions of who we could and couldn't invite. She still attended and actually family relations improved.

It's your and your DH's choice but this won't be a one off.

[1000yellowdaisies]

@thewreckofthehesperus

So either way one of you would end up without someone who is important to you at the wedding? I think in this case you have to just be as neutral as you can be. Invite both and if he decides he won't attend then that's his decision and it's on him.

Men like that tend to thrive on drama so I'd put money on him being adamant he won't attend but then actually showing up on the day. I'd also have people well warned to keep an eye on him at the wedding if he does attend so that he doesn't try and spoil the day!

Agree with the last bit of this.. i reckon he probably will attend and revel in the drama but just be careful and make sure some suitable people are pre warned in case he causes any scenes.

What an idiot he is.

[ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus]

BIL can go off and sulk by himself. What a waste of space. Luckily your DF sounds like a much better person.

[10HailMarys]

It really, really doesn't sound as if the wedding will be 'ruined' for your DP if his brother doesn't turn up. Your DP knows his brother is being totally unreasonable and he has already said that he doesn't expect you to uninvite your best friend.

Any negative consequences - if there really are any - will be entirely your BIL's fault, not yours, and your DP knows that.

Your DP already knows that his brother doesn't think his wedding is important enough to set aside his issues with a woman he split up with five years ago. He's already been hurt by BIL, and that damage has been done. It's not going to be fixed by you uninviting your best friend so BIL will attend - if anything, it will make it worse because your DP will still be hurt by the trouble BIL caused AND he'll be aware that you couldn't have your best friend there. So no, you absolutely should not let BIL have his own way. He's bullying your DP here, pure and simple.

[80sMum]

Oh dear! Your BIL-to-be sounds like hard work! Just invite him to the wedding and then leave it up to him to decide whether he accepts the invitation or not. If he chooses not to attend, then so be it. Definitely you should not allow him to bully you into uninviting your friend!

[Aquamarine1029]

It's so odd that you would even care if this idiot comes to the wedding. Your partner certainly doesn't care, and it won't "ruin" his day not having his pig of a brother there.

[forlornlorna1]

If you back down and give in to him then what next?

Any celebrations in the future will be the same and you'd have to exclude you friend every time.

That's every kids birthday, anniversaries, milestone birthdays etc.

[Youdoyoutoday]

To be honest, I don't see the issue.

You've invited your BIL, he is being a dick, DP knows he's being a dick and has said he isn't going to make you drop your friend, there isn't a really problem.

And thankfully, BIL won't come so you will all have a lovely day without the aggravation!

[PigletJohn]

"Anyway he’s now refusing to come to our wedding because she’s coming."

that's fine.

if anyone asks, say he was invited but decided not to come.

[TheOriginalClownfish]

I'm in the midst of wedding planning too and at this point people who want to come, can come. People who don't, don't come. It's that simple. The wedding day is about the bride and groom and not about settling scores with people from your past.
You and your partner accept the declined rsvp from BIL and let him fuck off.

[DisforDarkChocolate]

So, what happens when you have children? Does he get to dictate who comes to the Christening, their birthday parties?

Make a stand now or else he wins for the long term.

[alphons]

What does your friend think of all this?

[BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants]

You are right to make sure your best friend is there as he sounds so immature and needs to move on and not live in the past considering he was the dickhead to her and if he cannot see that well he is losing out just because of his bitterness. He should be a grown up man and be there for his brother and his brother should have words with him and tell him to just cop on. Have a great wedding and do not even think about him as his decision and choice to be bitter and to not be there. Think he would just ruin it if he was there anyway.

[DrinkFeckArseBrick]

It would be different if you were choosing between them and not inviting one. But you're not, you're inviting him and he is actively choosing to be a petulant child and stamp his foot and try and manipulate you into not inviting someone else by refusing to come. He is trying to bully you into making an unreasonable decision. This is not fair.

Just tell him that youd love him to come, you'll make sure he is not seated anywhere near your friend and ask her not to speak to him, but of course it's his decision. And forget about him.

If you did uninvite your friend I dont think you'll gain anything - you'll spoil the relationship with your friend and the relationship with your BiL will also be worse because you will resent him for this.

[IKillHousePlants]

My rule is who ever says "I'm not coming if they come" is the one who doesn't get to take part. Invite both and then it's totally up to them

[KettrickenSmiled]

Anyway he’s now refusing to come to our wedding because she’s coming. When we initially planned I said to my partner that his brother will kick off if she’s there and he said probably but he would never expect me to get married without her so that was settled. We didn’t think he’d go as far as not coming, and he is now saying just that. My partner is being lovely about it and saying he’s the one with the problem and he would never expect me to uninvite her

Your BiL is an attention-seeking arse who wants you to fall out with your fiance & your friend over his refusal to attend.

Your fiance is a keeper!

but I know he will be gutted if his brother isn’t there. I feel like I should back down so that my partner will have him there as I know how much it’ll mean to him but
Accept your fiance's kindness.
It's not his fault his brother is an arse - but it's not yours either. Or you friend's.

AIBU to not back down, even if it might ruin the wedding for my partner?
It won't ruin your fiance's wedding.
What WILL spoil it will be his brother kicking off.
And you both know he WILL kick off. So don't rock the boat. Call his bluff - by letting him keep his word not to attend.
You didn't make him flounce.
He only announced the flounce so you or fiance would rush around clucking about it. He reckons he's doing some kind of brinkmanship - (in his wet dreams, your fiance orders you to Banish That Harpy ie your mate ...)

• imagine his chagrin when he finds out it backfired, because his own brother is perfectly happy to accept his non-attendance, & you are sticking to your guns about inviting YOUR friend to your own wedding ffs.

YANBU

[Shoopshoopshoopshoopshoop]

Its great your DH to be is on side, I imagine BiL is just having a tantrum and will come in the end when he realises you won’t back down. If not, fuck him.

MiL and FiL are divorced and hate each other, hadn’t even been in the same room for years and but both came to our wedding with no drama.

[KettrickenSmiled]

If you did uninvite your friend I dont think you'll gain anything - you'll spoil the relationship with your friend and the relationship with your BiL will also be worse because you will resent him for this.

Of course it will - it will also worsen because he'll think he's tested your shark cage & you have kowtowed to him. So he will up the ante with more unreasonable behaviour.
www.jennisspace.com/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

[Qwill]

Sounds like a win win. Your best friend is there and he won’t turn up!

[godmum56]

@Noisyprat

So your DH has said that BIL is being a dick and doesn't expect you not to invite your best friend, you in the meantime think he doesn't mean this and that you should invite BIL and not invite your friend even though this would 'ruin' the wedding for you (by the sounds of it).

One of the things I have learned in life that now helps me enormously is to take the line that when I ask people a question I believe what they tell me. I don't make a guess or form an opinion that secretly they are saying things they don't mean. My attitude is this, if people can't say what they want/mean then they need to get a grip, people soon learn to say what they mean, it really makes having a conversation much easier and better. My mother has done this her whole life, as a family we are always supposed to know what she meant, even if she didn't say it or said 'ok' to things, she would then sulk when we got it wrong 🤔

this absolutely. If you must, ask him once are you sure? then accept his loving gesture and move on.

[PutinIsAWarCriminal]

He is ridiculous. My dh's ex attending my sil's wedding as they had become very good friends. It was slightly awkward for dh and me, but honestly it wouldn't even have entered our heads to be difficult about it.

[Unsure33]

I don’t think you should do this but if it’s really bothering you could one come in the day and one in the evening ?