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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let brother in law win, even though it’ll ruin our wedding

105 replies

rageyfeminist · 20/05/2022 15:19

BIL to be has been in my life for over a decade, along with his ex-girlfriend who he was with when I first met them both. They broke up 5 years ago, however she has been my closest friend for nearly 9 years now. Yes I met her through BIL, but she is best friend to me, auntie to my kids and not really thought of as his ex girlfriend, we have an entirely seperate relationship. She is engaged and has a baby with her partner since him. The world has moved on a lot since then.

If BIL was a reasonable person then there wouldn’t be an issue, but he’s a dick. I tolerate him for my fiancé but I find him a complete narcissist and having witnessed how utterly disgusting he was to my friend during their break up find it hard to really respect him anymore. Regardless he’s my BIL so I’m polite when I see him but we don’t have a relationship more so than that. Despite the fact his vile behaviour was the reason his relationship ended and how awful he was to her afterwards he blames her and makes it no lie he hates her, makes digs about her all the time, has tried to make me fall out with her many times etc, utterly pathetic for a 40yo man. Anyway he’s now refusing to come to our wedding because she’s coming. When we initially planned I said to my partner that his brother will kick off if she’s there and he said probably but he would never expect me to get married without her so that was settled. We didn’t think he’d go as far as not coming, and he is now saying just that. My partner is being lovely about it and saying he’s the one with the problem and he would never expect me to uninvite her but I know he will be gutted if his brother isn’t there. I feel like I should back down so that my partner will have him there as I know how much it’ll mean to him but at the same time she is like a sister to me and I would hate her to not be there, especially when there’s no valid reason for her not to be.

AIBU to not back down, even if it might ruin the wedding for my partner? I don’t want to let BIL win.

OP posts:
yesthatisdrizzle · 20/05/2022 16:01

If this man is such an obnoxious character, I reckon your partner will be fairly relieved if he doesn't turn up to your wedding.

theobligatorynamechange · 20/05/2022 16:04

If your friend was the wronged party in the break up, I see no reason to not invite her.

It would be different if she had cheated on BIL, for example. In which case, yes, I'd prioritise the blood relation to OH. However, it sounds very much like she's the nice one, so BIL can go holler.

MangoBiscuit · 20/05/2022 16:07

I would tell your BIL that as your stbH is blood, and it's his wedding day, not BIL's, then BIL should be making stbH a priority, and not pushing his ridiculous petty feud. Both he, and your best friend, are invited. It is up to him whether he attends or not. Then I'd refuse to discuss it any further.

pictish · 20/05/2022 16:12

Yanbu, he’s just trying to control everyone and make your wedding about him.
Don’t play along. If he chooses not to come he owes his brother an apology. That’s it.

JemimaTiggywinkle · 20/05/2022 16:13

You’ve invited them both, he’s the one that’s making the problem.

Is he sitting there agonising that he’ll be letting his brother down if he doesn’t come? No of course not, he’s only thinking of himself and expecting everyone else to run around and make the world convenient for him.

I bet he will end up coming anyway, at the 11th hour probably, once he realises that you’re not going to disinvite friend despite his threat not to come.

CupidStunt22 · 20/05/2022 16:14

If your man would really feel his wedding was ruined because his dick head brother refused to come...do you really want to marry him at all?

Tryagain2020 · 20/05/2022 16:15

I passionately believe that no one should force anyone in to choosing between people like this. Emotional blackmail. Vile.

Your job is to invite whom you want.
Their job is to decide whether to go or not.

I absolutely would not uninvite your friend.

I was your friend in a scenario like this. The bride invited my ex and not me. Our friendship did not recover and I haven't seen her in years. I also thought very poorly of my ex. He should have just sucked it up for a few hours and not put her in that position.

yellowsuninthesky · 20/05/2022 16:15

custardbear · 20/05/2022 15:28

BIL needs to grow up!

This. You should be able to attend a family event, be civil to guests and shut up otherwise.

I would be telling him that.

ComDummings · 20/05/2022 16:15

He’s being a massive man baby. Both are invited, if he doesn’t want to come that’s not your fault or problem is it?

Topgub · 20/05/2022 16:21

Don't back down

Its his choice to come or not.

By the sounds of it he'll ruin the wedding if he comes

Youre probably digging a bullet if he doesn't come

Id not engage him any more over it.

Just say, you're invited and we're not discussing it any further. The choice to come is your own.

CocktailsOnTheBeach · 20/05/2022 16:22

5 years ago and she's now settled with someone else, think he needs to get over it. Plenty of people face exs at weddings, it's quite common, most people can move on and be civil. It's on him if he chooses not to go, it's not like you uninvited him. Leave things as they are and leave it up to him.

aSofaNearYou · 20/05/2022 16:22

I wouldn't back down.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 20/05/2022 16:22

You and dp had decided it before the invites. Don't question it now.

TAKESNOSHITSHIRLEY · 20/05/2022 16:22

DO NOT let this man dictated your wedding guests. Partners brother or not.
men like this get away with toxic childish behaviour as the adults in his life have allowed it for so long.

if you give in to this he will be rubbing his hand in glee thinking he has that hold over you both now for the rest of your life and will try similar tactics again and again to get you to do what he wants

it would be the opposite for me. he would be told by me(bugger getting my partner to do it)to pack the fuck in this behaviour and if he dares to perform at the wedding then hes cut off for the future.

this man has been allowed to behave this way because the adults around him are allowing it.

your partner has made it clear he understands your friend is more important that the brother and is more than his ex sister in law

i would be calling his bluff, oh your not coming then, ok your choice and walk away or hang up.

by not given him the food he needs to fuel a start of a tantrum then he cant start one.

Riverlee · 20/05/2022 16:25

You invite them both. If BIL declines the invitation, then that’s his decision. You’re not ruining the wedding, bil is.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 20/05/2022 16:26

I can't beleive you'd even consider uninviting your friend. B

REignbow · 20/05/2022 16:28

Well I agree with everyone else!

BIL is a dick and is trying to manipulate you both into doing what HE wants.

Remember that this is YOUR wedding and the only people that get to dictate terms, are you and your STBDH.

Cakecakecheese · 20/05/2022 16:30

Loads of people go to weddings where their ex will be there because of their family and manage to be civil because it's one day and the wishes of the couple are the most important thing. Your BIL is making it all about him and you definitely shouldn't pander to the selfish asshat.

Ponderingwindow · 20/05/2022 16:31

Unless your friend/his ex-girlfriend was abusive, he needs to grow up. I would imagine if she was, you wouldn’t be friends with her though, so BIL needs to grow up. People see exes at weddings all the time. She isn’t even an ex-wife.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 20/05/2022 16:31

It's not going to ruin anything. He has been invited, and he can attend or not attend - his choice Your DP has already told you he is fine with this.

Gingernaut · 20/05/2022 16:32

Your DH to be sounds like a keeper to be honest.

Invites your friend and has basically said it's his brother's loss if he doesn't come.

YANBU.

DameHelena · 20/05/2022 16:34

Just echoing what others have said, but it's entirely up to him if he comes or not. You have no reason not to invite your friend. Your DP can talk to his brother if he really wants to, but it sounds like he has your back.

Retrievemysanity · 20/05/2022 16:34

It’s a non issue for me. You’ve invited both, I’m assuming they’re not the only guests so BIL will have plenty of ‘blood’ relatives to talk to, he doesn’t have to have anything to do with his ex. If he can’t put his immaturity to one side for the sake of his brother, then it’s no great loss. Whilst your DP may be disappointed that he doesn’t go, the wedding is ultimately about you and him, not about anyone else.

Sistanotcista · 20/05/2022 16:37

It’s your prospective BIL “ruining” the wedding by having a strop, not you. Don’t be bullied into uninviting your long term friend. You don’t even have to have a conversation about it - he’s invited - it’s up to him whether he comes or not. Enjoy your day!

Georgeskitchen · 20/05/2022 16:38

What a vile individual. Invite both and refuse to engage any further with him about the issue. Tbh it sounds as if it will be a far nicer day if he doesn't show up

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