To not let brother in law win, even though it’ll ruin our wedding

[rageyfeminist]

BIL to be has been in my life for over a decade, along with his ex-girlfriend who he was with when I first met them both. They broke up 5 years ago, however she has been my closest friend for nearly 9 years now. Yes I met her through BIL, but she is best friend to me, auntie to my kids and not really thought of as his ex girlfriend, we have an entirely seperate relationship. She is engaged and has a baby with her partner since him. The world has moved on a lot since then.

If BIL was a reasonable person then there wouldn’t be an issue, but he’s a dick. I tolerate him for my fiancé but I find him a complete narcissist and having witnessed how utterly disgusting he was to my friend during their break up find it hard to really respect him anymore. Regardless he’s my BIL so I’m polite when I see him but we don’t have a relationship more so than that. Despite the fact his vile behaviour was the reason his relationship ended and how awful he was to her afterwards he blames her and makes it no lie he hates her, makes digs about her all the time, has tried to make me fall out with her many times etc, utterly pathetic for a 40yo man. Anyway he’s now refusing to come to our wedding because she’s coming. When we initially planned I said to my partner that his brother will kick off if she’s there and he said probably but he would never expect me to get married without her so that was settled. We didn’t think he’d go as far as not coming, and he is now saying just that. My partner is being lovely about it and saying he’s the one with the problem and he would never expect me to uninvite her but I know he will be gutted if his brother isn’t there. I feel like I should back down so that my partner will have him there as I know how much it’ll mean to him but at the same time she is like a sister to me and I would hate her to not be there, especially when there’s no valid reason for her not to be.

AIBU to not back down, even if it might ruin the wedding for my partner? I don’t want to let BIL win.

[BBQBoke]

Nope, have your bestie there, OP. Why should her, and you, lose out when it's him that's the dick.

[custardbear]

BIL needs to grow up!

[sillysmiles]

AIBU to not back down, even if it might ruin the wedding for my partner? I don’t want to let BIL win.

Reframe it. It's not about him winning or you winning. In reality, there is no reason why he and her can't be there - if he was reasonable and civilised but he isn't. He is the one making the decision not to be there for his brother. This is his choice and missing his brothers wedding is the consequence of that choice.

[thewreckofthehesperus]

So either way one of you would end up without someone who is important to you at the wedding? I think in this case you have to just be as neutral as you can be. Invite both and if he decides he won't attend then that's his decision and it's on him.

Men like that tend to thrive on drama so I'd put money on him being adamant he won't attend but then actually showing up on the day. I'd also have people well warned to keep an eye on him at the wedding if he does attend so that he doesn't try and spoil the day!

[AnneLovesGilbert]

If he doesn’t come everyone wins but him, and he’s horrible. Stick with that option.

[pumpkinpie01]

Your bf sounds lovely and understanding so stick with the invite to both of them , you cannot uninvite her you would always regret it

[Ponoka7]

Have you got a MIL? What's she saying? It depends on the whole relationship of your DP and his Brother. Ultimately it's between you and your DP.

[Holidayroundthecorner]

Your friend has done nothing wrong and deserves a place in your big day. Bil is a disgrace and won't be missed. Seeing you happy will be more than enough for your dh.

[Blinkingheckythump]

Invite both, it's the one who doesn't come whose the issue

[HunterHearstHelmsley]

He's invited. She's invited. He does not get to decide who you invite to your wedding. Your fiance has said he is fine with it.

Equally, if you uninvite her, the wedding will be partly spoiled for you. And your relationship with her would be damaged.

[orwellwasright]

Can you imagine how hurt your friend will be if you tell her she can't come?

You are not telling your BIL he can't come. His absence is all on him.

Please don't capitulate.

[SunshineCake]

Do not back down.

friend who is genuine and cares v related man having a tantrum

no brainier

[rageyfeminist]

Yes unfortunately he’s not reasonable - he has insisted that she only stays in my life to spite him. She hasn’t so much as asked about him in years, he mentions her frequently, but obviously she’s the one who is hung up and needs to keep a door open with him via me. It’s laughable - and that’s the only context in which he gets bought up, laughing about how deluded he is. He is saying that her coming to the wedding is just another way to get a him and he as blood should be our priority.

[legalseagull]

Echoing everyone else. Invite both. It's his decision. Don't let him make it YOUR decision and put the stress on you. Invite him and leave it at that. He can throw a tantrum if he wants.
If you uninvited her you'd harm your friendship and you'll only resent him being there anyway. You'd regret it forever

[BringBackCoffeeCreams]

Why does him being there mean so much to your partner when it's pretty obvious that being there means absolutely nothing to his brother?

[MzHz]

So he thinks that refusing to go will have a bad effect on your wedding….

it won’t. Him bullying your dear friend so that he goes and she doesn’t, would ruin your wedding.

take him at his word, accept his resignation from the wedding and carry on.

”that’s your choice BIL, thanks for letting us know.”

[honeyrider]

Do not back down, both were invited and why should you and your friend not enjoy the day because BIL is being a dick. Let BIL see he doesn't get to manipulate your wedding, it's his choice if he doesn't go.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

My best friend and her DH are best friends with me and exH respectively. We had just started getting divorced before they got married. She called me he called him and said, "it's our wedding, decide if you're going to be an arsehole. If you are, don't come. If you can behave, you're BM and BM." It worked, we behaved.

Blood or not, if you ruin someone's wedding because you're an arsehole, don't come.

In this case it sounds as though the rubbish took itself out. Don't give it another thought.

[Mulhollandmagoo]

he as blood should be our priority
**
I absolutely hate this mentality amping families, it essentially gives them a free pass to act like a twat to people and get away with it in my opinion, we have a few like this in my extended family, and any event is like a ticking time bomb, just waiting for them to kick off, it's awful!

Just say to him 'awww, that's a shame, but we respect your decision' and say no more, he will want you to cause a scene about it so don't give him what he wants.

[girlmom21]

He's blood so he should be a priority?

Surely by that logic he should be there for his brother on his wedding day regardless of his own feelings, because he's blood...

[rnsaslkih]

If he chooses not to arrive, your wedding will the the same as it would have been. Nothing will change - you will just be minus one dickhead. Result.

[orwellwasright]

@Ponoka7

Have you got a MIL? What's she saying? It depends on the whole relationship of your DP and his Brother. Ultimately it's between you and your DP.

Crikey. Don't ask the poor mother to weigh in on a spat between her kids. Not fair on her. And not her business who comes to the wedding either.

[Pheasantplucker2]

I'd say something to him along the lines of " I didn't realise you were still hung up on her after all these years". When he hotly denies it, ask him why it's a problem then? If he still can't cope with being in the same room as her after 5 years, he definitely is hung up. Then just reiterate you are both invited, you are both welcome, we would be sad if you didn't come but it's your decision.

[Janetslunchcake]

He is saying that her coming to the wedding is just another way to get a him and he as blood should be our priority

Right, so that means he can behave appallingly and everyone should stand by him whilst he continues with this pathetic behaviour. All it shows it that he is still affected by her. The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.

They are both invited, if he chooses not to attend that is up to him. I bet you are back here after the wedding saying he turned up because his manipulation of his brother didn't work.

[Noisyprat]

So your DH has said that BIL is being a dick and doesn't expect you not to invite your best friend, you in the meantime think he doesn't mean this and that you should invite BIL and not invite your friend even though this would 'ruin' the wedding for you (by the sounds of it).

One of the things I have learned in life that now helps me enormously is to take the line that when I ask people a question I believe what they tell me. I don't make a guess or form an opinion that secretly they are saying things they don't mean. My attitude is this, if people can't say what they want/mean then they need to get a grip, people soon learn to say what they mean, it really makes having a conversation much easier and better. My mother has done this her whole life, as a family we are always supposed to know what she meant, even if she didn't say it or said 'ok' to things, she would then sulk when we got it wrong 🤔