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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband taking only car on stag do

351 replies

Clego · 19/05/2022 15:55

My husband and I have a one year old, and he is due to go on his brother's stag do for two nights in June. It will be his second stag do of the year and the third time he has left me for more than one night to look after DS.

We live in a village and have only one car between us, which my husband bought. I did have my own car, but sold it as we used it so infrequently that I kept having to replace the battery.

My husband wants to take our only car on the stag do, which would leave me and DS car-less for the weekend (not great for emergencies and would leave me and DS house bound). I have offered to pay for a rental car for him to use, but he is insisting that he wants to take our car. My real problem is that I would have to move our very safe, but very heavy and difficult to install car seat into a rental car, just so he can take our car instead. Husband cannot fit the car seat as he's not very practical, and given that DS's safety is at stake, I'm not prepared to let him do a rubbish job of it.

Am I being unreasonable in expecting him to take a rental car so I don't have to fight with the car seat twice?

OP posts:
givethatWolfAbanana · 19/05/2022 21:55

He should want you to have the car

bellac11 · 19/05/2022 21:57

5128gap · 19/05/2022 21:47

If some of these posts are anything to go by, it must be even better to be a man than I suspected!
The OP is going to be doing all the care for their 1 year old all weekend, for the third time, and people actually think she should do this confined to her home, so a man (who isn't even enough use to fit a car seat?!), can take the family car (not even a rental that the OP would pay for mind, has to be THE car) with him on his jollies.
Are people really that desperate to please men that they are trying to convince the OP this is reasonable?

Most of us have said she shouldnt be housebound (op has claimed she wouldnt be able to go out so most people are answering with that in mind)

But she can go for a walk, get a cab, get the bus, go on a bike ride.

Alcibiade · 19/05/2022 22:02

5128gap · 19/05/2022 21:47

If some of these posts are anything to go by, it must be even better to be a man than I suspected!
The OP is going to be doing all the care for their 1 year old all weekend, for the third time, and people actually think she should do this confined to her home, so a man (who isn't even enough use to fit a car seat?!), can take the family car (not even a rental that the OP would pay for mind, has to be THE car) with him on his jollies.
Are people really that desperate to please men that they are trying to convince the OP this is reasonable?

Don't think this is only about being 'desperate to please men'. Can't help wondering if the strongly felt (and strongly argued) points of view in this thread are due to differing societal attitudes towards the institution of the 'stag/hen-do'.

Can empathise with the OP, and presumably she would not be upset about her husband taking the car if he had to go on a work-trip (which puts food on their table) or perhaps his brother's wedding. What seems to upset her is that he is going on a stag-do, which she and many others seem to perceive as just a night out to go 'on his jollies' (i.e. get drunk etc).

Those posters who feel that the OP is being unreasonable, on the other hand, seem to be of the opinion that the 'stag-do' is an important occassion, an event that is important and carries weight (e.g. one person emphasized 'it's his brother's stag-do').

So it's really all about the relative importance of a 'stag-do'

5128gap · 19/05/2022 22:13

Alcibiade · 19/05/2022 22:02

Don't think this is only about being 'desperate to please men'. Can't help wondering if the strongly felt (and strongly argued) points of view in this thread are due to differing societal attitudes towards the institution of the 'stag/hen-do'.

Can empathise with the OP, and presumably she would not be upset about her husband taking the car if he had to go on a work-trip (which puts food on their table) or perhaps his brother's wedding. What seems to upset her is that he is going on a stag-do, which she and many others seem to perceive as just a night out to go 'on his jollies' (i.e. get drunk etc).

Those posters who feel that the OP is being unreasonable, on the other hand, seem to be of the opinion that the 'stag-do' is an important occassion, an event that is important and carries weight (e.g. one person emphasized 'it's his brother's stag-do').

So it's really all about the relative importance of a 'stag-do'

Show quote history

Nothing against the stag/hen do's. I get they're important to people, especially if it's a brother. It's the idea that a man can't possibly be put to the smallest inconvenience that I find unfathomable.
Surely a decent guy would want to make life as easy and pleasant as possible for his family in his absence? Yet this one won't even learn to fit a car seat or use a rental car so his wife and child can have a but of freedom to get out and about over the weekend. He's selfish and unreasonable by even the lowest standards.
Yet people are trying to convince the OP she should be fine with it.

Momicrone · 19/05/2022 22:17

How do you think people without cars live? Can't you use a pushchair to go out and a taxi in the very unlikely need of an emergency?

5128gap · 19/05/2022 22:17

bellac11 · 19/05/2022 21:57

Most of us have said she shouldnt be housebound (op has claimed she wouldnt be able to go out so most people are answering with that in mind)

But she can go for a walk, get a cab, get the bus, go on a bike ride.

Show quote history

Or she could take their joint child out in their jointly owned car, rather than having to pander to his whim not to use a hire car, and decision he's too 'impractical' to fit a cat seat. How can it possibly be less convenient for him to use a rental vehicle than for her to go on buses or bikes with a 1 year old? Of course it's possible for her, but a great deal easier for him.

5128gap · 19/05/2022 22:20

Momicrone · 19/05/2022 22:17

How do you think people without cars live? Can't you use a pushchair to go out and a taxi in the very unlikely need of an emergency?

And how do people without cars drive to stag dos? Perhaps they hire a car...?🤔

bellac11 · 19/05/2022 22:26

This whole mentality infantilises and disempowers women

She chose to get rid of her own car and now her husband has to pick up the pieces

She also chooses (for some reason) to use what sounds like the most impractical car seat in the world. (when we buy household goods or gadgets, if they're not fit for purpose or difficult to use we get rid)

She also chooses to decide that without a car she has to lock herself in her home for a weekend and blame him

How much more needy can she get

2thumbs · 19/05/2022 22:30

Is your DH refusing to take the hire car because he specifically wants to use the family car, or because it’s patently absurd that you cannot survive a weekend without a car? If it’s the former then I agree that your DH is being a bit of a dick, but I’m on his side if it’s the latter. Also, it should not take 45mins to fit a car seat.

ChoiceMummy · 19/05/2022 23:10

5128gap · 19/05/2022 22:17

Or she could take their joint child out in their jointly owned car, rather than having to pander to his whim not to use a hire car, and decision he's too 'impractical' to fit a cat seat. How can it possibly be less convenient for him to use a rental vehicle than for her to go on buses or bikes with a 1 year old? Of course it's possible for her, but a great deal easier for him.

Show quote history

I disagree. He's obviously travelling a distance. She has no plans or need to be using a car.
I really struggle to understand this logic.
The car is his. The op has chosen to give hers up. And now is reliant on his car. He wants to use his car. Totally reasonably.
This is a 1yo baby. They don't need venues at tge weekend. They'd be just as happy having an extra bath, play in the garden, sensory time. It's not rocket science.

ChoiceMummy · 19/05/2022 23:12

5128gap · 19/05/2022 22:20

And how do people without cars drive to stag dos? Perhaps they hire a car...?🤔

Show quote history

But he has a car. The op doesn't. If she's at such a loss then she needs to hire a car for herself.

JustLyra · 19/05/2022 23:35

The number of people calling it his car explains so much about why men get away with being dicks in relationships

sweeneytoddsrazor · 19/05/2022 23:52

@JustLyra but the OP says they have 1 car, its his car, he brought it. She also says she had a car but she sold it because she wasn't using it enough. Now aside from whether he is right or wrong to be taking the only car, why did she choose to sell hers. Why not sell his then this problem wouldn't have arisen. Or better still keep both, as little ones grow up and need dropping at school or nursery 2 cars may well be more beneficial

BadLad · 19/05/2022 23:55

Pyri · 19/05/2022 19:18

Do people really take their child out in the car every single day of the year?! Really?

Show quote history

This is Mumsnet, where you realize that you ran out of bread/milk. You just want some chocolate is a possible emergency situation, affecting who gets the car over a weekend.

SaveMePlease · 20/05/2022 00:29

I'm assuming it would save quite a bit of money for your husband to take the car which is why he wants it? If so, could you not make plans so that even if you are housebound, just invite some family or friends around? Get a takeaway?

Given you've got time to plan and you don't have a burning need to have the car, it doesn't seem overly unreasonable. Getting a rental car does though!

Cantfollowmeround · 20/05/2022 01:00

Tell him to stay at home whilst you and the baby go off for a weekend 😂

JustLyra · 20/05/2022 01:03

sweeneytoddsrazor · 19/05/2022 23:52

@JustLyra but the OP says they have 1 car, its his car, he brought it. She also says she had a car but she sold it because she wasn't using it enough. Now aside from whether he is right or wrong to be taking the only car, why did she choose to sell hers. Why not sell his then this problem wouldn't have arisen. Or better still keep both, as little ones grow up and need dropping at school or nursery 2 cars may well be more beneficial

She didn’t say she sold it. She said “we” sold it - suggesting a joint decision from a married couple who only need one joint car between them.

The problem would have arisen exactly the same if they’d sold his car as they’d still be a one car family.

5128gap · 20/05/2022 06:30

bellac11 · 19/05/2022 22:26

This whole mentality infantilises and disempowers women

She chose to get rid of her own car and now her husband has to pick up the pieces

She also chooses (for some reason) to use what sounds like the most impractical car seat in the world. (when we buy household goods or gadgets, if they're not fit for purpose or difficult to use we get rid)

She also chooses to decide that without a car she has to lock herself in her home for a weekend and blame him

How much more needy can she get

I think there's something badly wrong when 'empowerment' is conflated with a woman doing everything, so a man can have the easiest possible life without needing to take her needs and wants into consideration at all.
Interesting that her 'empowerment' appears to mean that she alone is responsible for the car seat for their child (maybe HE could have chosen one he could actually fit in order to share the load? It's in HIS car after all according to some.)
As for needy, we'll, he can't fit a cat seat, he can't drive any car but his own...hardly the epitome of capability and indepence himself, is he?

Original poster
Clego · 20/05/2022 06:45

A lot of opinions on here!

This is the car seat we have: Spin 360 child seat, design 2017 smile.amazon.co.uk/dp/B01DMZQZR6/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apan_i_XDT67WS9PVV2RBRR3M4W

It weighs 12kg. I bought it because it had very good safety ratings and because it can be used until DS is 4. Transferring it between cars was never a priority. For those suggesting I take a taxi, what should I do with the car seat at the other end? Or do I not need a car seat in a taxi?

My previous car was a pre-baby convertible mini Cooper S. I couldn't get DS plus car seat in the back without having to take the roof down, hence why I never drove it. DH and I agreed that he would buy a baby-suitable car when I got pregnant.

And yes, I have had to take DS to A&E in the last year, and with so many bugs going round at nursery, so have many other friends with LOs the same age.

Am I annoyed that DH has gone away so much? No - we've had a tough few years with the pandemic and he's really missed socialising.

Am I annoyed that he doesn't seem to appreciate that he is able to go because I am taking on extra responsibility for our child to enable him? Yes, very much so.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clego · 20/05/2022 06:47

And before folks jump on about A&E visits for unwell babies, the visits are legitimate (think extreme dehydration and febrile seizures...)

OP posts:
Clymene · 20/05/2022 06:50

So can he get public transport or carshare? @Clego?

IfNoTwitterThenWhat · 20/05/2022 06:53

The car is not ‘his’, it’s the family car. The decision was taken that the family only needed one car. Therefore the person who needs it most should have it. It would worry me if he considered it ‘his’ car… much more straightforward to pool resources in a marriage.

Original poster
Clego · 20/05/2022 06:54

I'm offering to pay for a hire car for him (we keep our finances mostly separate)

OP posts:
Lovemypeaceandquiet · 20/05/2022 07:08

This thread 😂 MN bias at its finest

What if the OPs post was this:

”I’ve not been able to do much socialising in the last two years due to the pandemic and having a little one just over a year ago. Finally life goes back to normal and a lot of my friends and family are getting married this year. I’ve already attended a couple of my friends hen dos, and there’s another one coming up - this time it’s my sister’s! It’s in another city so I’d have to take the family car, leaving DH looking after our one year old for two days. He says I should get a rental and leave our car with him in case he needs it… We live in a small village and he reckons he’d be stuck at home without an access to a car.

AIBU to think we don’t need to spend additional money on a rental and he should manage for two days?”

🤨

Blarting · 20/05/2022 07:44

Clego · 20/05/2022 06:47

And before folks jump on about A&E visits for unwell babies, the visits are legitimate (think extreme dehydration and febrile seizures...)

Well then if that's the car, your "D"H is putting your child in danger? Why would you stay with him? If your child needs regular emergency transport to hospital? Or was it a one off?