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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband taking only car on stag do

351 replies

Clego · 19/05/2022 15:55

My husband and I have a one year old, and he is due to go on his brother's stag do for two nights in June. It will be his second stag do of the year and the third time he has left me for more than one night to look after DS.

We live in a village and have only one car between us, which my husband bought. I did have my own car, but sold it as we used it so infrequently that I kept having to replace the battery.

My husband wants to take our only car on the stag do, which would leave me and DS car-less for the weekend (not great for emergencies and would leave me and DS house bound). I have offered to pay for a rental car for him to use, but he is insisting that he wants to take our car. My real problem is that I would have to move our very safe, but very heavy and difficult to install car seat into a rental car, just so he can take our car instead. Husband cannot fit the car seat as he's not very practical, and given that DS's safety is at stake, I'm not prepared to let him do a rubbish job of it.

Am I being unreasonable in expecting him to take a rental car so I don't have to fight with the car seat twice?

OP posts:
Anotherdayanotherdisappointment · 19/05/2022 19:47

Really? You can't manage 2 days at home? I took the 1 and only family car on a hen weekend recently. DH survived with 3 kids, including a birthday party (sorted a lift with another parent).

The car isn't the real issue, is it?

Blarting · 19/05/2022 19:54

Clego · 19/05/2022 16:15

Yes it's this car seat! Our previous car seat was honestly no problem to move between cars, but this one is heavy, unwieldy and actually takes me 45 minutes and a lot of swear words.

I really don't mind that he's going - it is his brother's stag after all - but I would like him to appreciate that him going means more childcare for me, so if he can make my life a little bit easier then he should prioritise that?

Also if I didn't have DS then I would just plan not to go anywhere for a few days, but: 1) being at home all day with a one year old can be hard work, so I'd like the option of going out and 2) I want to be able to take DS to hospital in case there's an emergency

How often have you had to take DS to hospital as an emergency so far?

Would the emergency you're anticipating mean that it would be safe to put DS in the car seat to drive to the hospital?

Such whataboutery!

Clymene · 19/05/2022 19:54

sweeneytoddsrazor · 19/05/2022 19:32

Absolutely nothing to do with penis takes all. I was working on the basis that most people who live somewhere that they can't get out and about without a car would most probably need a car for work. The OP has a one year old so has probably been on maternity leave recently. If her DH needed the car for work and she wasn't using her car so sold it then I would take that to mean she had access to shops playgroups parks etc without the need for a car.
This may not be the case but if her village was that cut off or rural then they would most likely need 2 cars

But loads of people work at home now. So they are managing fine with running one car.

He is away for a whole weekend doing a thing with other people where he can share a car presumably

So why does he need a car?

She is facilitating him going.

And yes, I stand by my mighty peen comments. This simply wouldn't happen the other way round.

Onwards22 · 19/05/2022 19:55

You just want some chocolate. Nearest store is 8 miles away.

Please tell me there aren’t actually people who would drive 8 miles just because you fancy some chocolate!

StuckInTheMiddleOfNowhere · 19/05/2022 19:57

What car seat is it that's so big, heavy and hard to install.
?

ShirleyPhallus · 19/05/2022 19:59

Clymene · 19/05/2022 19:54

But loads of people work at home now. So they are managing fine with running one car.

He is away for a whole weekend doing a thing with other people where he can share a car presumably

So why does he need a car?

She is facilitating him going.

And yes, I stand by my mighty peen comments. This simply wouldn't happen the other way round.

Show quote history

This simply wouldn't happen the other way round.

I agree it wouldn’t happen the other way around. Because I think if a woman said she needed the car to drive a few hours away to her sister’s hen do then the husband wouldn’t make such a fuss as being made here that he might need the car for hypothetical chocolate runs / milk and bread that they couldn’t possibly foresee running out / A+E visits and best of all, a hypothetical food festival that he’d want to attend. I don’t think we’d see that thread because I think he’d just say “ok I’ll do something else that weekend”.

It only seems to be women on MN who are obsessed with the idea that they shouldn’t drink or be without a car at all times lest they need to drive a child to hospital.

Lockheart · 19/05/2022 20:00

Clymene · 19/05/2022 19:54

But loads of people work at home now. So they are managing fine with running one car.

He is away for a whole weekend doing a thing with other people where he can share a car presumably

So why does he need a car?

She is facilitating him going.

And yes, I stand by my mighty peen comments. This simply wouldn't happen the other way round.

Show quote history

You mean apart from the poster two posts above yours?

bellac11 · 19/05/2022 20:05

luckylavender · 19/05/2022 17:53

Why should she?

Show quote history

Because presumably she hasnt got anything already planned (she would have said in the OP if so)

Because she got rid of her car through non use so presumably doesnt really use it

Because she seems to think she cant go anywhere without a car (otherwise the advice would be 'well go out and use bus/taxi/legs)

Because its his car and he needs it

Because is his car and she doesnt need it.

Passportloser · 19/05/2022 20:06

It’s two days?! Surely you can be without a car for 2 days!

& in case of an emergency which is unlikely to happen. Call a taxi? Get a shit ton of snacks in, set up some activities and enjoy a weekend in

bellac11 · 19/05/2022 20:07

Janie576 · 19/05/2022 18:01

Hang on, he's leaving you to look after your DS solo, and getting a few child free fun-filled days, yet he also expects to inconvenience you further by taking the car? And you offered to pay for a rental, why on earth would you do that? Sometimes on MN I feel like I'm living in a parallel universe where people don't understand how to be decent to one another. Did he ask you if it was OK if he went on the stag do, or tell you he's going? Here's how I would have expected it to go down in my house: DH - "Please can I go on DB's stag do, I know I've been away a few times already, but I promise I'll make it up to you. Of course I'll get public transport/hire a car. I know it's rubbish on your own with DC, I'll do all night feeds for a week on my return/organise a weekend away for just us/whatever." I cannot imagine a scenario where I'd be paying for a car rental for my DH, if I let him go on the stag do. And yes he does need my agreement to go thank you very much, because he has joint parental responsibility for our child. If he wanted to take the car too, he'd just be told no. Why can't you just say no to your husband?

Jesus, do you make him tug his forelock as well

bellac11 · 19/05/2022 20:18

toastofthetown · 19/05/2022 19:20

What could that possibly tell the OP? That people get frustrated if they can't leave at their planned time due something as simple as lost car keys? Especially if the husband isn't the one who lost them.

Show quote history

Particularly when its his brothers stag do.

Some of the suggestions here show very controlling personalities.

I would indeed go nuts if my OH thought it was funny or some sort of lesson to hide my car keys.

And my car is my car yes, its not my OHs

(as it happens his car is also my car, its so awful I gave it to him when I realised that I hated it!)

sweeneytoddsrazor · 19/05/2022 20:19

You can stand by your mighty peen comments if you wish although they are totally wrong. I haven't actually said whether or not I thought he was right or wrong to take the car, I was just saying in answer to those who have assumed the OP lives in the arse end of nowhere with no transport services for 20 miles that I would have been surprised if they only needed one car if that was the case. And that would be the same whoever was taking the car for the weekend.

Gregsprinkles · 19/05/2022 20:32

I'm so surprised by this. You really can't manage 2 days? Why do you need to be housebound? We've only had one car for a year now. We've planned ahead when the other needs the car; asked for lifts, walked, cycled etc. We're in a village too. I'm using the car this weekend for a weekend away as it's not practical by train. He's fine with it. We have 2 DC with weekend activities, but by taking other peoples DC in the previous weekends it's now our turn to have lifts! DH will have a friend over for some drinks. No drama! OK, I get the emergency thing when you have a baby but chances are that in an emergency you'd want someone else to drive anyway.

Herejustforthisone · 19/05/2022 20:38

Why can’t he get the train? Or a lift? And why is he so determined to not use a rental car?

Cotton55 · 19/05/2022 20:48

ladydimitrescu · 19/05/2022 16:04

You can't manage with no car for two days? It's his brothers stag - I really don't think it's a big deal.
And before anyone starts with "why should she" - why shouldn't he? He bought the car, it's as much his as it is Op's.
I wouldn't even bother with a rental car for a two day period, that seems totally over the top tbh.
It's him going away that's the issue isn't it?

This.

The main issue seems to be how many times he has gone and left you minding your child on your own. Otherwise you wouldn't have bothered mentioning that in your post. If you can afford to, just organise a few nights away with your own friends.

With regards to emergencies, surely you have someone in the village who you could have on stand by to drive you to the hospital should an emergency occur? They don't need to be lying there awake obviously, but would be free if they got a call.

I know this isn't the point, but I really find it odd on MN how many married couples have separate finances! All this "I offered to pay for a hire car", "he bought the car himself" etc. It all comes out of the same pot in our house. We both work and have our own bank accounts as well as joint accounts. But it's 'our' money. I can't imagine ever saying " he paid for our holiday" or "I paid for the meal" It sounds bizarre to me! Unless something was for a present obviously. Anyway, completely off topic. Sorry!

KyaClark · 19/05/2022 20:58

My husband is away and has taken our car. I've got a six year old and a six month old. We are surviving.

oioimatey · 19/05/2022 21:02

If you didn't want this problem to arise then you should have kept your other car and and buy a battery charger.

Just plan things to do locally. We do it all the time. If your DC needs to go to hospital then ask a neighbour or call for an ambulance. Or, have a glass of wine so you can't drive anywhere!

I get that it's a pain but it's not that bad. Just make sure that you've planned a child-free weekend sometime soon.

bellac11 · 19/05/2022 21:11

What I dont understand about this apparent conundrum is that OP is being advised that she is putting up with an arsehole and OH is a shit and all the usual and why on earth is she standing for it blah blah blah

She got rid of her own car

She (presumably or she would have mentioned it) doesnt choose to go away on her own for a girls weekend away or whatever

She is choosing her own disadvantages and then moaning about it. I never ever understand this mentality.

Own your own methods of independence.

DottyLittleRainbow · 19/05/2022 21:28

YABU. I grew up as a no car household, as my mum couldn’t drive or afford lessons, lived in a small village. We used the bus and train, taxi if needing to get somewhere urgently like the hospital. And walked a lot. Lots of people still live like this 100% of the time out of choice or necessity.

I think it’s reasonable to do without the car for a couple of days. I’m sure if you wanted the car for a hen weekend you might feel differently and wonder why your DP couldn’t manage without the car. It’s his brother’s stag do!

I share a car with my DH, if he needs it I just use public transport or walk. Most places I’ll walk to anyway tbh.

Pre plan, make sure you have enough food in, stay local.

I can’t help but wonder if your issue is him going for another weekend away, rather than specifically the car, as you mention other weekends away etc.

HappyMeal564 · 19/05/2022 21:36

bellac11 · 19/05/2022 20:07

Jesus, do you make him tug his forelock as well

Show quote history

This sounds a bit extreme, sounds like he has to beg to go out. How many women would stand for that, its not right on either side. And the key hiding comment..

Comedycook · 19/05/2022 21:37

Here's how I would have expected it to go down in my house: DH - "Please can I go on DB's stag do, I know I've been away a few times already, but I promise I'll make it up to you

If my dh spoke to me like that if definitely have to leave him for being such a pathetic weakling!

orwellwasright · 19/05/2022 21:44

Aquamarine1029 · 19/05/2022 15:57

You can't just plan ahead and stay home for a couple of days?

Lol. Wifey need to stay home so important man can go out and have fun.

5128gap · 19/05/2022 21:47

If some of these posts are anything to go by, it must be even better to be a man than I suspected!
The OP is going to be doing all the care for their 1 year old all weekend, for the third time, and people actually think she should do this confined to her home, so a man (who isn't even enough use to fit a car seat?!), can take the family car (not even a rental that the OP would pay for mind, has to be THE car) with him on his jollies.
Are people really that desperate to please men that they are trying to convince the OP this is reasonable?

ChoiceMummy · 19/05/2022 21:53

Clymene · 19/05/2022 18:36

You're another one worshipping at the temple of the mighty peen @ChoiceMummy

One wonders how some of you survive in the 21st century.

Shock, horror.
I'm a lone parent and manage to parent alone and have managed when I didn't have a car and luce as rurally as it gets over an hour away by road from the nearest hospital that will accept children.
No peen worshipping here. Just a reasonable woman who think the op is being way ott about the whole situation from the facts tgat she'll be managing her child and could not possibly do so without a cat, let alone this hypothetical sudden need for a hospital that weekend when never needed it before!

givethatWolfAbanana · 19/05/2022 21:53

He sounds selfish

Such a shame

He should do the stag do, but he should also think of you

Bit of a crappy man, no?