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Original poster

Husband taking only car on stag do

351 replies

Clego · 19/05/2022 15:55

My husband and I have a one year old, and he is due to go on his brother's stag do for two nights in June. It will be his second stag do of the year and the third time he has left me for more than one night to look after DS.

We live in a village and have only one car between us, which my husband bought. I did have my own car, but sold it as we used it so infrequently that I kept having to replace the battery.

My husband wants to take our only car on the stag do, which would leave me and DS car-less for the weekend (not great for emergencies and would leave me and DS house bound). I have offered to pay for a rental car for him to use, but he is insisting that he wants to take our car. My real problem is that I would have to move our very safe, but very heavy and difficult to install car seat into a rental car, just so he can take our car instead. Husband cannot fit the car seat as he's not very practical, and given that DS's safety is at stake, I'm not prepared to let him do a rubbish job of it.

Am I being unreasonable in expecting him to take a rental car so I don't have to fight with the car seat twice?

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 19/05/2022 18:12

Janie576 · 19/05/2022 18:01

Hang on, he's leaving you to look after your DS solo, and getting a few child free fun-filled days, yet he also expects to inconvenience you further by taking the car? And you offered to pay for a rental, why on earth would you do that? Sometimes on MN I feel like I'm living in a parallel universe where people don't understand how to be decent to one another. Did he ask you if it was OK if he went on the stag do, or tell you he's going? Here's how I would have expected it to go down in my house: DH - "Please can I go on DB's stag do, I know I've been away a few times already, but I promise I'll make it up to you. Of course I'll get public transport/hire a car. I know it's rubbish on your own with DC, I'll do all night feeds for a week on my return/organise a weekend away for just us/whatever." I cannot imagine a scenario where I'd be paying for a car rental for my DH, if I let him go on the stag do. And yes he does need my agreement to go thank you very much, because he has joint parental responsibility for our child. If he wanted to take the car too, he'd just be told no. Why can't you just say no to your husband?

Whereas on the flip side, I couldn’t imagine being in a relationship where I have to ask my DH express permission to do anything and include a list of things I’d do in return if he gave me his permission

Relationships are about give and take, not begging and bartering for the best deal

RandomQuest · 19/05/2022 18:12

Gosh I took the one car on a hen do last week and left DH with the 2 kids. They walked to the playground and he had a friend round for beers and a takeaway once the kids were in bed. Are you feeling hard done by because he’s had lots of time away and you haven’t? If it is genuinely just about the car then you’re being petty, if it’s really about the inequality then totally fair enough, but be honest about it.

Dearmariacountmein · 19/05/2022 18:13

I think people are really underestimating the facilities and amenities in different villages.

In my parents village you can walk to a play park have a potter around the green and easily order a text to the A and E department or supermarket both less than 15 mins drive away. Plus an hourly bus service to the nearest town in 20 mins.

I live in a town so small it’s barely that and 10 mins down the road there are villages that no longer have even a small shop, as a lone women with child there is no way in hell you’d go for a walk as the main road has such a narrow path and a 60mph speed limit and the lack of phone signal and people means you wouldn’t want to wander anywhere else. No bus service and if you needed an ambulance at the moment you’d need to be air ambulance unwell and there’s no taxi service.

If you live in the former then it’s not as bad, although your DH is being a bit thoughtless. If the latter than he’s a raging dick head.

ChoiceMummy · 19/05/2022 18:13

Clymene · 19/05/2022 18:06

It's the family's car

Show quote history

No, it was the ohs and has been assumed to now be the family car as the op chose to well hers. Her choice. The Consequence of that choice is that in circumstances like this when the op doesn't actually need to use the car, the ohs needs take priority.

As for the @Clymene suggesting this is something to do with oh being male. What a reach!

holdthepineappleextracheese · 19/05/2022 18:14

Why is it every thread about transport involves a mysterious trip to hospital might be required
what do you think people who don’t drive do?
there clearly is a back story as this just seems you making a fuss so he won’t go… if childcare isn’t fairly split address the issue rather than being passive aggressive

Flippermeflopits · 19/05/2022 18:16

It's only 2 days. Do you have a garden? Can you catch a bus somewhere? Go for a mini break with the kid? Get a bike with a kid trailer. Lots of families manage everyday life without a car. I'm sure you'll survive 1 weekend

Onwards22 · 19/05/2022 18:16

Why does either of you need a rental car?

Surely you can just stay local for a couple of days and if you need to go to hospital you ring an ambulance or taxi if it’s not an emergency.

How far is it from yours? And is there a reason he needs a car?

If I was on a stag do I wouldn’t want to be driving around everywhere so could you not drop him off at a train or bus station?

Either you’re both trying to be difficult or you both have some anxiety around not having a car.

WaterBottle123 · 19/05/2022 18:18

He's being selfish. He doesn't even need a rental car surely, just drop him at the nearest train station?

butterpuffed · 19/05/2022 18:20

If you sold your car because you rarely used it, why do you think you'd need one for the weekend ?

Isonthecase · 19/05/2022 18:21

On the hospital front, if it's an emergency you call an ambulance and if it's not you call a taxi or a friend. I know it's not ideal but it's what happens when you are carless and it's genuinely fine.

On the boredom front, could you call on friends or family for lifts? Or go on your own minibreak somewhere with better transport links/walkability? I'd also look in to getting a bike with childseat for the longer term as they're super handy as a back up if you live somewhere vaguely bike friendly.

It is frustrating him being away so often though and I hope he's extending the same courtesy to you and encouraging you to take it...

RomeoOscarXrayIndigoEcho · 19/05/2022 18:25

We've lived with one car for 14 years. Our rule has always been "whoever has the kids, has the car"

It's only now the DC are older and far more independent (15 and 12) that we flex on that.

You should have the car.
You should share the costs of a rental car if he really needs one.

Janie576 · 19/05/2022 18:26

I'm married to a very considerate man, he'd always ask if it was OK with me before he even considered doing something like going away without me and our kids. Why should either of us presume it's OK to opt out of parenting without asking each other? And yes, when our kids were babies and I was doing night feeds etc, he'd be asking very very nicely, because he knew how hard parenting solo can be when they're babies, it's a real luxury to get time away. And when asked, I've never said no, and likewise he's looked after the kids when I've gone away on my own. But it's common courtesy to ask, and appropriate when doing so to recognise how fortunate they are to have a partner happy to let them have the time off if they do go away, and how it's a bit shit for the parent left holding the baby. If you have a DH who does sod all at home with the children and housework, then I can understand why it might not be a big deal. But when you're used to working as a team, being left alone to do it all for multiple days is hard.

LifesTooShortForYourNonsense · 19/05/2022 18:26

I live a good 20min walk from a village, a couple of days without a car would not bother me. Didn’t drive anywhere for 6 weeks at one point of lockdown, just went for walks and picnics! I think there are other issues here. Also don’t see an issue with moving a car seat 🤷‍♀️ If you really want a car

Crumbleburntbits · 19/05/2022 18:27

Is he always this selfish?

I wouldn’t want to be responsible for a baby for a whole weekend without being able to drive to a pharmacy, supermarket or hospital if I needed to. He needs to be reminded to put the interests of his child first, even if he doesn’t care about his wife very much.

Many rural villages don’t have a regular taxi service, let alone any buses available to use.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 19/05/2022 18:28

Bloody hell it's not like he won't have a car, she's just asking him to take a rental so the car seat doesn't need moving

If op doesn't want to be left without a car and has the money for a rental what's the problem!

He's just being difficult

Hawkins001 · 19/05/2022 18:29

Clego · 19/05/2022 16:15

Yes it's this car seat! Our previous car seat was honestly no problem to move between cars, but this one is heavy, unwieldy and actually takes me 45 minutes and a lot of swear words.

I really don't mind that he's going - it is his brother's stag after all - but I would like him to appreciate that him going means more childcare for me, so if he can make my life a little bit easier then he should prioritise that?

Also if I didn't have DS then I would just plan not to go anywhere for a few days, but: 1) being at home all day with a one year old can be hard work, so I'd like the option of going out and 2) I want to be able to take DS to hospital in case there's an emergency

As it's a stag do, surely a taxi would be better ?

slashlover · 19/05/2022 18:32

I grew up with no car in the household and neither parent able to drive, surprised I survived reading some of these replies.

Clymene · 19/05/2022 18:36

You're another one worshipping at the temple of the mighty peen @ChoiceMummy

One wonders how some of you survive in the 21st century.

slashlover · 19/05/2022 18:38

Clymene · 19/05/2022 18:36

You're another one worshipping at the temple of the mighty peen @ChoiceMummy

One wonders how some of you survive in the 21st century.

Because they're able to survive two days without a car without kicking off?

Babyvenusplant · 19/05/2022 18:39

He should be leaving you the car and getting a rental but I think you're being a bit over dramatic about the car seat

Hall84 · 19/05/2022 18:40

I'm going away for a night at the weekend. We live in a city with pretty good transport links so only have 1 car. DH is staying home with the toddler. He gets the car.

thecatsthecats · 19/05/2022 18:40

To be very four Yorkshire men about it, I grew up five miles from the nearest village, and my mum doesn't drive.

We had one emergency with my dad, one with my sister and one for a cat.

I honestly think you're a bit crackers planning to hire a car so that you can have the OPTION to go out or because there MIGHT be an emergency. For the former, you can plan a day out using public transport/enjoy yourself locally, and for the latter, you can prepare in other ways, e.g. chat to a neighbour about it, get a few local taxi numbers etc.

Ponderingwindow · 19/05/2022 18:50

Baby develops fever and you need to go to doctor in daylight hours. Doctor is 20 miles away.

you realize that you ran out of bread/milk. You just want some chocolate. Nearest store is 8 miles away.

there is no taxi in town. There is a bus 8 miles away. It comes once a day on weekdays and only goes to the main city center.

Not everyone has walking distance options.

Notjustabrunette · 19/05/2022 18:55

We only have one car, when the DH goes away for the weekend I just plan around it. Is there no where like a woods or a park or a village shop you could walk to? Or just buy in enough food for the weekend, hangout in your garden etc? I would bank this one for when you need to go away for the weekend and your DH is at home without the car. Also think of the money you’ll save from not hiring a car for the weekend.

Happyhappyday · 19/05/2022 18:55

I think it’s totally reasonable for you to want him to make your life easier when he’s gone. I go away for weekends reasonably often but always check if DH wants me to organize my parents to watch DC for a bit and make sure we have a decent bit of food in. When he had surgery he organized for her sister to help out.