AIBU to ask for money in postnup despite being a high earner?

[dillydally24]

I have been married for several years and am a full-time working mum of two (one toddler, one baby). My husband brought a lot of assets to the marriage (about £3m), the result of years of hard work. I brought assets too, but a fraction of that amount. Before marrying, I signed a prenup which left me with half the share of assets generated during our marriage. I am now asking to have that prenup replaced by a more generous postnup, as, if we were to divorce now, the settlement outlined in the prenup would leave me with assets of about £500k, of which about £300k would be my own savings. £500k is a lot, I know, but wouldn't be enough to buy a house in our local area where 4-bed houses cost £1.5m. I am asking for more, but my husband says I don't need it because my earnings have taken off since we married (I now make about £500k a year gross of tax) and I can afford to take out a big mortgage to make up the shortfall. AIBU to ask for more? I just want enough to buy a home for me and the kids without having to stress about a massive mortgage. He makes roughly the same amount of money a year as me.

Sorry...£500k a year?

I took 8 months out due to maternity leaves. This impacts the speed of progression, particularly as there is a loss of momentum before and after maternity leave. Did you want to take the parental leave? Anecdotally most women I know didn't want to share parental leave with their partner. My partner and I split parental leave (we earn roughly the same, don't have a mortgage as we don't have a lot of money and our home costs 800pcm to rent so no opportunity to save a decent deposit). We did this because I wanted equality from the off. Even now we work 4 on 4 off (12hr shifts) opposite each other.

I ask because you could have split parental leave meaning the impact to both your careers was equal. Something to think about should you choose to have more children. I must admit I find it difficult to see how a court would agree that you've missed out on an extra 250k though whilst being frightened of losing your job.

I also think it would be very difficult to prove you've put more emotion into raising the family.

I don't think you should be entitled to his money prior to marriage tbh. You signed a prenup to that effect and now want it changed. I do however think you should both discuss wealth management and how to make financial contributions equal.

If I were your husband I'd seek legal advice of my own as I'd think you were planning to leave. It doesn't sound like there's a lot of love in your relationship. It also sounds like you have only had children to benefit your husband and expect to be financially compensated for doing so. That's dangerous territory for women, in my opinion.

If I were you rather than focussing so much on what you can get when you divorce, I'd be more concerned with making the relationship equal as it sounds as though you don't feel there is a balanced amount of work going into the family life.

Someone earning in the top 0.1% in the country, married someone else earning in the 0.1% in the country, despite you taking a 'hit' for maternity leaves and you think if it wasn't for that you'd be earning £750,000 a year...

Right.
Ok then.

If you are in this sort of job and earn this much, you should be taking proper financial advice from professionals. Not us lot on Mumsnet. You'd think wouldn't you?

She has taken proper financial advice.

She’s asking for women’s opinions on whether it is fair that the prenup be renegotiated (considering a) the imbalanced child care load, b) the detriment to her career due to having children/him not sharing equal responsibility, c) children are now settled in an expensive area of DH choosing, d) due to a->c it could be tricky for OP to remain living in the same area retaining home/school/friends for kids, am presuming she’d be main carer).

I think it would be fair to consider that extra provision be made for the children by him, in the event of separation, so their lives are disrupted as little as possible. I’d consider that reasonable whether she earned £5k or £500,000. The amounts aren’t the issue for me, though many have focused on that. It’s the principle, he bears responsibility to his kids.

Thanks for this. It summarises everything better than I managed to. I've found thoughtful answers like this extremely helpful. They have given me the confidence to stand my ground on asking for more in the event of a split.

It’s the principle, he bears responsibility to his kids

So does she though

If you're both making the same amount of money then I'm not 100% sure why you need more money in a post nuptial? Yes you have 2 children now but he also has 2 children now and I'm fairly certain that if you were to divorce you will go after him for child support. I can gather that by your obvious need to take more of his money. You both have the exact same bills, the same amount of children, and make the same amount of money. What if you dont need to buy another house? What if he chooses to leave you the house? If neither one of you can afford the home on your own then sale it, and split the profit 50/50. You're not working any harder than he is, and you dont have anymore debt than he does so explain why you feel like you deserve more than he does? Maybe because you had to give birth? Are you feeling like he should pay you for giving you the children im sure you BOTH wanted? Not mention he carried you until you started making more money. I'm not trying to be rude. I'm really just curious why you believe you deserve more money than him? Unless there is something we don't know then yes, you're being 100% unreasonable and unfair. We don't deserve more just because we're women.

What if he was to say that he'd like to also get more in a post nuptial since you're now making more than you were before the prenup? Legally he could do that since there is more income coming into the home. How would you feel? The only thing that has changed since you got married is your income. You could say that the fact that you have 2 children now has changed but that's also changed for him. He also now has to children to support. Would it be unreasonable or unfair for him to ask for a more generous payment?

“Woman has different life to me SHOCKER! Better make sure she feels like shit and I don’t advise her as I would anyone else.” God Mumsnet really does live up to its pit of vipers name in a bad way sometimes.

I don't think you understand @dillydally24

I'm not jealous, & I doubt many PP are either.
What I am "seething with" is indignation & shock that somebody with so many advantages chooses to flaunt them on a forum where many parents & even non-parents are desperately worried about being able to keep their DC & themselves warm & fed.

There are threads about this worry every day & I can't believe OP hasn't seen any of them. To then choose to post for "advice" - when she maintains she doesn't need legal or financial advice, just some reassurance that she deserves more - is crass in the extreme.

You’re being massively unreasonable. You got married relatively recently. Presumably before marriage you discussed whether kids might be an option, and you clearly discussed finances otherwise there wouldn’t be a prenup at all. But now you want to change the deal?

I wouldn’t agree if I was your DH. You signed a deal, now you want to change it more favourably to you because you failed to consider the entirely foreseeable impact of having children… that’s your failure to negotiate. Not DH’s fault and you are unreasonable to ask for a change of the deal which you signed up to. You had all the information you needed - you took maternity leave and your career was held back. Hardly a surprise is it?

are you going to ask for a new pre nup every time a life event happens? No. The impact of having the kids is a foreseeable part of the marriage you should and could have taken into account when you negotiated it.

Hope your DH stands his ground because you are being very cheeky to ask for a change of terms. I’d laugh in your face and say bad luck! You struck a poor deal, you’re stuck with it love.

I might not like it if I were her DH but I'd almost certainly agree provided it was less than what my lawyer said she'd realistically get on divorce. A post-nup is binding. Much better for the DH to get a post-nup signed now whilst their incomes are balanced than risk divorce in future when that may not be the case.

entirely foreseeable impact of having children

This is a nonsense. If you have experience with young children then perhaps. But for many it is a bit of a car crash to the face and DH do not on the whole put themselves out to adapt their working arrangements/lives in any way.

If the DH has dictated the structure of the children’s lives and has ample funds then he should contribute to the children to ensure continuity.

If the prenup isn’t renegotiated and they divorce, they may have to leave their home and school and the fact is he could very well either spend or leave the 3m to future children with somebody else.

I’m seeing it from the point of view of the kids. Even if a proportion of it be put in trust/house for them that is fairer than the current situation.

Would someone earning 500k a year really ask for money advice on MN? It’s not the sort of salary just anyone can make so surely someone with that capability wouldn’t be thinking, oh let’s ask unqualified strangers on MN about pre/post nups. There have been other threads on MN by people supposedly earning massive salaries yet come across as unworldly or unable to think for themselves.

Are you going to split ? If so, would you mind giving him my number

What's shocking on this thread is the jealousy of so many people.

Why are people clearly jealous the OP has assets and a good salary?

First world problems, well yes - tell me a thread on MN that isn't a first world problem?!

Anyway OP, I don't see the issue as your salary is enough to go get a mortgage alone so I don't think your dp is being unreasonable here

Yes I think yabu and sounding quite greedy. You’re a high earner too and you’ve both agreed to share the assets that arise from your time together. That’s the fair thing to do. if you divorce, you get a property you can afford, like every adult does.
. Don’t be greedy and go after what you haven’t earned, or contributed to in any way.

Presumably, he’d also “have to” service a house for the sake of the children.
You’re right. A woman automatically does more- because we actually carry and birth the children.
I still think you’re being greedy by trying to go after what you did not contribute to.

Maintenance for the expenses should be enough for whoever is the RP, if not 50/50. That goes without saying.

The point about the mental load is interesting and I’ve been meaning to start a thread to check if any men carry more mental load that women in their hh, or if it’s a more even split. I am interested in finding out.
I don’t mean to derail your thread OP.

What's shocking on this thread is the jealousy of so many people

Why would people be jealous? All I'm hearing from these wealthy people on Mumsnet ATM is what an enormous burden money is and how nasty poor people don't sympathise enough and how they need safe spaces to discuss their wealth. Oh, and how some of them are very, very cross because despite their wealth they just don't feel rich enough and IT'S NOT FAIR.

Who'd want to swap lives with that? Sounds a nightmare.

Hi OP. Of course you're not unreasonable to expect half of everything - including the assets he brought into the marriage.

Children change everything. Of course, your salary progression will have been affected in a way his has not. And if course, you probably take on more of the 'mental load' than he does. I'm not saying he's a disconnected father, but this is just how it evolves with kids.

Put it this way OP, I've been a SAHM for 17 years and so obviously, it's my husbands salary that has bought the properties, school fees and everything. But he wanted a family; he is not a single man and he could only make the money he has because he didn't have to think or worry about anything else. We also live in an expensive part of London where a studio flat over a shop would be £500k. But if we divorced, I'd receive half of everything, plus the DC are now teens and DH has sorted them with trust funds and other investments for their futures.

Of course it wouldn't be reasonable to expect me to move to a 'cheaper area.' The schools and our lives and friends have been here for almost 20 years. The same applies to you and anyone whose living situation comes to be determined by a higher-earning spouse. Surely your DH wouldn't want his kids to have to move away?

I would be very suspicious that your DH tried to effectively 'cut you out' of his £3m when you got married. That's bad enough. But now that you have children, this 'my money, your money' ship should have sailed surely? The question is, why does he not WANT to share with you - as the mother of his children? Yes, you probably could get a flat in your area on your salary, but this is not the point, as you say. Would he really have you and the kids living in a flat, while he stays in a house?

To summarise, you are married with kids. What's his is yours and vice versa. Him trying to ring fence 'his' money will chip away at your relationship over time. Fgs, this is not a celebrity marriage where some 70 year-old multi-millionaire has married some 20-something who is obviously only after one thing. You both earn well - it's not as if you're a SAHM like me! He should actively want to give you security and you shouldn't need to ask. How dare he gaslight you and make you doubt yourself in this way.

@HikingforScenery Start the thread you’d get a big response. I am organiser of all, it’s tiring, don’t have a lot of room for myself. DH relies on me to sort it all.

How dare he gaslight you and make you doubt yourself in this way.
😂😂😂

How ... bizarrely overwrought @catsetc. What gaslighting?