AIBU to ask for money in postnup despite being a high earner?

[dillydally24]

I have been married for several years and am a full-time working mum of two (one toddler, one baby). My husband brought a lot of assets to the marriage (about £3m), the result of years of hard work. I brought assets too, but a fraction of that amount. Before marrying, I signed a prenup which left me with half the share of assets generated during our marriage. I am now asking to have that prenup replaced by a more generous postnup, as, if we were to divorce now, the settlement outlined in the prenup would leave me with assets of about £500k, of which about £300k would be my own savings. £500k is a lot, I know, but wouldn't be enough to buy a house in our local area where 4-bed houses cost £1.5m. I am asking for more, but my husband says I don't need it because my earnings have taken off since we married (I now make about £500k a year gross of tax) and I can afford to take out a big mortgage to make up the shortfall. AIBU to ask for more? I just want enough to buy a home for me and the kids without having to stress about a massive mortgage. He makes roughly the same amount of money a year as me.

No. If that's the money you get (I don't understand why it's only £200k though).
You also say you have 'been married for several years' yet later say 'not married for long', which is confusing.
If that really is the split of assets accumulated in the marriage and presumably your ex will pay towards the children if you are the custodial parent? I take it you have been told that's the legal position. So no, why, as a good earner, should you get more? Most people have mortgages why should you not?
You are asking for a share of his pre marriage wealth when you had previously agreed not to touch it.
By the way my husband earned £500k a year pre tax, paid £75k in alimony to ex, had three kids in private school (one boarding), residential custody of both his older kids, another pre school aged child, and me a stay at home mum. We had a big mortgage (over £1m) too but at less than 1%. So I think you can swing a mortgage and two kids in private without anything from your (not yet but seems to be heading that way) ex.

As far as I'm aware , if you're living in the UK , prenups aren't legally enforceable but if I read this correctly you aren't actually in the throes of a divorce , just wondering how you could squeeze more out of your DH and whether it would be financially beneficial for you to nullify an agreement you already made. Way to ramp up the romance and make your DH feel secure. Not.
I would imagine you are both contributing to childcare costs and the private education? I'm sorry but if you can't "manage" on a joint gross income of £1,000,000 then you will always struggle. It also sounds as though you're not very emotionally invested in your marriage if this is what you spend time considering. First World problems indeed. The only thing surprising me is that you're not calling him your "first" husband

This is not true.

because it makes sense to review your financial affairs constantly so you don't end up in the shit?

OP, what you're wanting isn't particularly unreasonable - but a) how long have you actually been married ("several years", or 'not that long"? It would make a difference); and b) if you have a baby and a toddler, why are you paying school fees?

However I have no idea why someone so allegedly financially savvy would come on to AIBU for this 🙄

And also career progression took a hit due to having children. But still earns half a mil. And has a child who is old enough and enthusiastic enough to soon be going to grammar school in another thread.

OP apparently works in finance.

The OP is just asking for advice about a personal problem, unless mumsnet has a definitive list of what we are allowed to ask about, then you’re being pretty rude.

Yes, I’m still waiting for the financial level cut off at which you are not allowed to post your issues on Mumsnet. Nobody has yet told me what it is.

She won’t only get 200k.

as a couple they have accumulated One million pounds during their marriage. £300k of which is in her name. So she would get half of the £1m.

If op considers that would be walking away with only £200k she clearly views money in her name (even accumulated during the marriage as per their terms) as hers. Not shared.

So if money accumulated during the marriage, that’s in her name is viewed as hers, it’s very cheeky to want money he made before he married to be counted as shared.

This is an interested thread

Constantly? Pedantic I know but you probably mean continually.

Not sure it's healthy to talk about nothing but money. Even if you're a super duper, impressive high net worth individual like the OP allegedly

Yes MN is mind boggling, anyone with money is poo pooed for earning it and told they are not allowed to have any financial issues.

Those in council houses are empathised with but then aggressively attacked if they admit they don’t work, as are disabled people in difficult circumstances.

A primary school teacher level of income appears to be acceptable, but then coming from middle class stock she might have an inhertance so is hated upon and entitled.

Everyone is attacked and nobody can do right. 🤷‍♀️ What happened to women supporting and respecting one another?!

How would you feel if the roles were reversed (you have the £3M pre-marital assets) and your husband asked you for a more generous post-nup? Does it feel reasonable?

I honestly don't know if you're reasonable or not to want more. I would feel comfortable asking for provision for him to pay 100% of the school fees/put money in trust for the DC in addition to the 50:50 split of the assets was reasonable in lieu of asking for more cash, which doesn't sit as well.

Thank you for all the views expressed so far. Those of you who doubt my "story", I assure you, I am a real person. There are no discrepancies. I have been deliberately vague to avoid giving out too much info, but if it helps, I have been married less than 5 years, have 2 children under the age of 4, and the issue of school fees / childcare costs arises because, while we are not currently paying private school fees, we do pay for a full-time nanny to care for our children while we work, as well as pre-school fees for our eldest.

For those of you recommending I seek legal/financial advice, please be assured that I have done that. My question is not about the legal/financial issues. It's about whether I am being unreasonable to think that I deserve more in the event of a divorce. I am genuinely interested in people's views and am not "catfish in". Sometimes these things are easier to talk about with strangers than close friends.

Lastly, there are lots of people on here suggesting that I have no right to any of the money he brought to the marriage because I make enough enough money to thrive without his support. But this is not about whether I need that money. Clearly I don't. However, I do think it right that I should receive some of it for the reasons that: 1) I contribute more - emotionally and in time spent - to our family life, especially the care of the children, and a 50/50 split of assets we've generated after our marriage doesn't take account of that. Rather than working out what the right split is, a simpler solution is for him to give me some additional cash on divorce; 2) We have settled in an expensive area (in part due to my husband's large asset base) and have had children who are set up to go to local schools. Thus my needs have changed as a direct consequence of our marriage and the fact that we have had two beautiful children. I think it reasonable that I should be permitted to meet these needs (i.e., being able to live in a decent-sized property for the area) without taking on the potential risks and stress associated with a large mortgage. Note that when I use the term "needs" in this sense, I don't mean absolute need, but rather reasonable expectations.

Anyway, there it is. I don't really know what I expected from this forum. I guess the answer is that I am being unreasonable and maybe that's right... although I feel quite a few of the comments have had more than a tinge of misogyny about them. Either way, I'm grateful for the input. Thank you, all, but especially those of you who urged greater kindness and respect when commenting.

Love the way I point out that prenups and postnups are valid in the UK (see Radmacher v Granatino decided by the Supreme Court in 2010) and immediately someone pops up to say they aren't. I'm not sure if the post immediately after mine was suggesting prenups aren't valid in Scotland, but they are.

The case law increasingly points to pre nups being taken into account in divorce settlements, so you are correct.

Speak to a solicitor (you can afford it). Pre nups are legal in England and Wales but there are caveats. The reality in your situation if you divorced your case would almost certainly be it was unfair etc. sounds like your husband won’t sign a post nup so you need to establish how best to protect your position.

Well I have learned something from this thread - I hadn't even heard of a postnup. Thanks OP.
No idea if you are being U or not.

If I were him, I'd be wondering if you were planning to leave.

I also don't think you should have the right to what he had before the marriage. But whether you do by law, I have no idea.

If the Pre nup was Pre kids then you should renegotiate x

After all, I wouldn't need to live in a house at all if I hadn't had two children (I'd be happy in a one-bed flat if it was just me). While my income is high, I live in fear it won't always be so. I work in finance and things can change quickly. There's also the fact that I have contributed significantly more - both emotionally and in time spent - in creating and supporting our family at home.

So you didn't want kids and only had them as some sort of a favour to him? Of course not, you need to also take some responsibility for your choices, and in this case you also made the decision to have kids. It's not like you are a SAHP who gave up their career to stay home with the children, you are more than capable of supporting yourself if you need to so personally I think you are being unreasonable wanting to move the goalposts now

I've only read your first post and you sound very greedy.

You both seem to be doing alot of "break up" planning. Surely now you're married you'd be assessed as such, I don't see how as you're female you could ring fence your salary. It wouldn't be allowed or popular if a husband pulled that stunt.
Maybe you should focus your efforts on staying together!

I don’t understand why you think it’s your husbands job to compensate you because you live in a larger house, have children and have school fees and emotional energy that you have put in.

The energy you have chosen to put in benefits both you and the kids, so it’s not just for his benefit.

You also chose to have kids. Therefore you chose a lifestyle where a flat wouldn’t do. You chose to marry a man who needed to live in one place. When you got married did you say ‘no children’ or ‘I don’t want to live in this place or use fee paying schools’. It come across as you believe you only did these things for him and not for your own benefit.

I would get it if you wanted more of what you are accumulating now you are married.

But at the moment it sounds very much like you regret some of these decisions and want to leave. But also want the money you agreed you wouldn’t have access to. Or you never intended sticking to that, just signed to get married. Either way, I would be seeking my own legal advice if I were him.

To answer your question, yes I do think you are being unreasonable to seek to reneg a post-nup. You're also assuming you'd be the primary carer for the children if you divorced which wouldn't necessarily be the case and if it was would be taken into account in the settlement.