AIBU to ask for money in postnup despite being a high earner?

[dillydally24]

I have been married for several years and am a full-time working mum of two (one toddler, one baby). My husband brought a lot of assets to the marriage (about £3m), the result of years of hard work. I brought assets too, but a fraction of that amount. Before marrying, I signed a prenup which left me with half the share of assets generated during our marriage. I am now asking to have that prenup replaced by a more generous postnup, as, if we were to divorce now, the settlement outlined in the prenup would leave me with assets of about £500k, of which about £300k would be my own savings. £500k is a lot, I know, but wouldn't be enough to buy a house in our local area where 4-bed houses cost £1.5m. I am asking for more, but my husband says I don't need it because my earnings have taken off since we married (I now make about £500k a year gross of tax) and I can afford to take out a big mortgage to make up the shortfall. AIBU to ask for more? I just want enough to buy a home for me and the kids without having to stress about a massive mortgage. He makes roughly the same amount of money a year as me.

I think you should get a post nup that allows you to save and generate investment assets that are excluded from the family pot to give you a chance to even up your assets base.

That's probably the fairest way for you to get on a more even footing.

Typos all over that sorry - main one - registration should read "renegotiation"

And i agree with others - don't bother with a post nup; get a court to throw out the pre nup and rely on the preferable contractual terms of the marriage contract.

What a bitter woman you are. Just because someone's worked hard and achieved more than you, doesn't mean they're not worthy of asking for advice.

Would you live in a tiny run down apartment or would you live in a beautiful detached 5 bed house with no neighbours ?

It doesn't matter that 'average semi is 400k bla' - OP has the finances to afford way better home.

OP, we have a prenup.
In my case H ring-fenced his earnings for whatever he earned before me. That's totally fair as it is in millions and he spent a decade grafting for that so no reason I should have a claim on it.

BUT since the start of our relationship everything is 50/50 (and we've made good earnings since then so I'm not concerned I'd be left high and dry), however we've had a child since and those prenups are shaky once children are involved - it all depends on your living situations if you break up. Who looks after the kids, can that person work full time, if not is it because of childcare, etc.

So think what is fair and also what you are happy with. I'd forget his earnings before he met you. Otherwise everything is 50/50 as a starting point.

There's no point agreeing to prenup conditions if you divorce and you have to look after kids full time and unable to work.

Revisit the prenup now you’ve had children as the settlement you should get should include your current life circumstances.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable wanting more now you have children to consider.

i doubt the prenup will stand as it is anyway now that you have children.

But she is saying that she shouldn’t have to service a mortgage as she now has kids.

That doesn’t make sense She entered the marriage award he wanted to ring fence his money and she agreed that was right. She earns 500k a year. If the marriage broke down now, she would get 500k and have a huge wage. Of course the figures impact it as there’s no way she would be left not being able to meet her bills. When we are talking smaller figures that’s the risk.

Given he appears older op has longer to amass her wealth and is able to because of his wealth. She is being advantaged now. Op saying she would live in a flat if she didn’t have kids, so he is responsible for housing them is ridiculous. Op chose to have kids.

I would understand wanting to revise so she got to keep everything she has in her own name. But deciding the terms that they married on no longer apply because she changed her mind, to me, seems shady. And if I were him I would assume she wanted to split and start looking at my options.

There's no point agreeing to prenup conditions if you divorce and you have to look after kids full time and unable to work.

Why would op need to give up work?

Not sure that is really fair either. Earning more money doesn't mean necessarily they work harder than someone who doesn't earn as much.

The question isn't whether you can afford to live on your salary should you split up (which clearly you can), the question is what is fair between you?

And I agree with you that it's unfair for him to ring-fence all his pre-marriage assets, but expect everything accumulated during the marriage to be split 50-50 if you're accumulating assets at a faster rate than he is. UNLESS (and here's the qualifications) he's providing substantial support for your career by doing the lion's share of the childcare or life admin or carrying the mental load.

So I guess my question would be, does he do that? Does he provide support for your joint lives together which you feel should entitle him to a 50/50 share of the extra assets which you are accumulating by saving more than him? Or do you do most of this and he just concentrates on working?

If the latter, then he can't really have his cake and eat it - safeguard his premarital assets but demand that everything you accumulate (even if more than him) is split 50/50. So I wouldn't hesitate to challenge the prenup in the event of a split (but maybe speak to a lawyer about what a postnup would add legally).

YABU. Whatever there practicality you signed the prenup because you were in agreement at the time. What is the point of a prenup if not to stipulate your own marriage contract and laws?

If someone wanted to marry me under one set of marriage laws that we both agreed on at the time, then change that after the fact to something I didn’t want, I would be pissed off.

There should be a link to posts like this whenever there is a “my partner won’t get married” post.

Agree with this - your interests may actually be better served by not having a post nup. Suggest you discuss with your lawyers if you have not already.

If you did want a divorce then you and the children would be provided for at your current standard of living and if that means dipping into your husbands £3m then that's what would happen. If you had an acrimonious divorce then £100k would go in legal fees just to start with so you're looking at £400k or much less in your pot really so I think the £3m is fair game now you realise how having children effects you.

I would not push a postnuptial now because I don't think it would do anything to help, your husband is going to get annoyed and doesn't have to agree to it. If you did want a divorce you would be fine. It would be nice if he didn't get annoyed and wanted to look after you all off his own back but it's theoretical and irrelevant.

I suspect what you really want is for your husband to realise that as a woman you are putting in more to the marriage now. I am guessing more child involvement, more time dealing with house and childcare staff issues, fighting harder for the same salary while dealing with pregnancy, birth, hormones and newborns. Do you want to feel more cared for and looked after by your husband? You have a lot on your plate trying to keep up with him and he has not been through pregnancy, birth etc. It would be nice for him to say that he appreciates you so much that he would always look after you and the children properly but men are jerks.

I wouldn't start a fight if you don't need to (and unless you're divorcing you don't). How can you feel safer/more cared for outside of a post nup conversation?

your not wrong there 😂

Before marrying, I signed a prenup which left me with half the share of assets generated during our marriage.

I don't think this would work once you have had to take time off on maternity leave and probably have most responsibility for the home and children. This must be more work for you than for DH and probably also affects your promotion chances etc.

Is there another way you can save - letting him cover more of the costs day to day.

Yeah but her saving is of no benefit to her if you follow 'the pre-nup is what you agreed to' logic, as he gets 50% of those savings even if he's at Salt Bae five nights a week and she's bringing leftovers in tupperware for lunch.

So if you split you would get £500k plus you earn £500k/year. How could you not be able to afford a £1.5m house on that?

I think it is fair to divide what has been accumulated during the marriage and not take into account what was brought into it.

Your career obviously hasn't suffered through having children, so why do you feel you are entitled to more than half?

@Nahnanananahna

And there will have been things in the pre nup that made it agreeable to her at the time. The time to think of this was when she signed. Prenups don’t mean much in the uk, but for whatever moral question is being asked by the OP it does matter that she signed it, was fine with it and now wants to go back on that once she’s married and realises she wants more.

That’s the crux of the issue - if someone is going to do that or thinks it appropriate once they’ve signed the prenup then the prenup was pointless in the first place - and they’re exposing the fact that they gave their word on something at the time but that basically means nothing to them once they want something different. I’d be mad if I were a spouse whose partner wanted to change a pre nup in this fashion (there are situations where mutually it could be good to go over it though and see where it makes sense).

What school fees do you have with a baby and a toddler?

We haven't been married that long

Opening post says married for several years.

At least get your story straight in your own head OP 🙄

But with such a big deposit plus such a high salary you wouldn't have a massive mortgage...it would be more than affordable for you. You've got 22k to play with each month.

I also just think its not necessarily "bitter" to be pissed off at this post. There isn't a rule about what you can post but when there are so many people on here worried about the future and how they're gonna afford basic costs...seems a tad insensitive to me.

How much are your expenses of school fees when you have a baby and a toddler?

Yes I do think YA a bit U- when you signed the pre-nup were you not aware of the fact that you might have kids one day? What did you expect would happen? Also this is precisely why all of these documents like pre/post nups are not legally enforceable- because the fairest way to divide assets on a divorce is to look at the picture at that time and make a decision then- not based on what people thought they might have wanted X years ago. Assuming this is actually a real problem what does your DH think you should do for a house IF you were to get divorced and IF you had majority custody of your baby/ child? I’d be interested in his views on this? Maybe he thinks you should keep the current house and do “nesting”? In principle I don’t really agree with him as I don’t think a high salary is a replacement for “money in the bank” because as you say you could lose your job, and also if you were a single parent you’d probably also find it much more difficult to do long hours or you’d have high childcare costs- but in the end you did agree to this. I’d agree that the best thing you could do is get a solicitors letter disavowing the prenup and take it from there if you do get divorced.