To not want to sleep in the same bed as my husband?

[Thebeastofsleep]

He snores. He isn't overweight but has a significant family history of sleep apnea which he refuses to acknowledge.

We have a spare room with a double bed and it's always made up. I tend to sleep in there. He complained that this left him with the lion's share of kids wake ups, which is true, so I suggested we take turns. We do generally take turns but he's getting increasingly annoyed at it. He wants to share a bed. I want some fucking sleep.

I've agreed to share a bed if he goes to the doctor's about his snoring. He refuses. He doesn't believe it's that bad despite me recording him and others commenting.

He says I need to "get over it" and just go to sleep. I can't. I'm an incredibly light sleeper and after 6 years of broken sleep from kids I just can't cope anymore and I've been really enjoying getting full night's sleep.

When we do share a bed (on holiday or if we have guests) I wear custom made ear plugs which help but they hurt my ears after a while and I can't wear them every night.

Aibu or is he?

Our sex life is fine and we have plenty of contact/ intimacy outside of the bedroom.

[TowerRavenSeven]

He’s massively unreasonable!

[SunshineCake]

HIBU

maybe whoever isn't on kid duty sleeps in the spare room.

[nearlyspringyay]

Separate beds/ rooms. Life changing.

[RandomMess]

He is being utterly selfish. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture.

[PinkiOcelot]

He’s very unreasonable. He wants it all his way. Wants you to sleep in the same bed but won’t contemplate seeing a doctor?! Stick to your guns.

[Surfsupsidedown]

Boo hoo to him
Agree with pp you could alternate who sleeps in the main bedroom
but if you’re a light sleeper who come wakes up and you don’?’t?

[givemetoddlersanyday]

You will end up really disliking him if you don't get enough sleep because of his snoring. You will not want to have sex with him if you are unslept. This will not be worse for your marriage than having separate rooms. Definitely tell him this. By the time XH and I were in separate rooms, it was too late.

[FriedTomatoe]

I can understand how you both feel tbh. In saying that he's in denial about it which makes it really hard to sort out. Have you asked him why he won't go to the doctors?

[givemetoddlersanyday]

Will be worse. Not "will not be worse". Obviously.

[floofycroissant]

This was my parents. My DM ended up heavily medicating herself nightly and with several health issues in order just to sleep. YANBU.

[Thebeastofsleep]

That is what we currently do and he isn't happy.

[Thebeastofsleep]

@Surfsupsidedown

Boo hoo to him
Agree with pp you could alternate who sleeps in the main bedroom
but if you’re a light sleeper who come wakes up and you don’?’t?

We currently alternate who sleeps in the spare room.

I do sometimes wake up from the kids if I'm in the spare room but it is not on the same floor.

[weltenbummler]

HIBU
It is in his gift to change things by seeking medical advice. He can't just make this your problem to solve and still expect you to share his bed for his comfort!I used to have to wake a snorer every night to ask them to change their sleeping position to try and decrease their snoring so that I could try to get some sleep. They would complain how little undisturbed sleep they got. Well , clearly more than me who listened to their snoring every night! Separate rooms for sleeping were life changing.

[floofycroissant]

Can you discuss sharing for the night with the agreement that you will wake him up repeatedly whenever his snoring wakes you? I don't see how that alongside recorded proof he would still minimise how much this is affecting you. In fact it'd be really worrying - is he this uncaring in other ways? Why is he in such denial?

[Sexnotgender]

@Thebeastofsleep

That is what we currently do and he isn't happy.

Why is he not happy?

Is he usually so selfish?

[Vallmo47]

Using separate bedrooms saved my marriage- I was ready to pack it all in due to DH also snoring. Everyone deserves and needs sleep. It’s beyond unreasonable to claim otherwise. If he’s not happy with arrangement, he will seek help. Meanwhile get some sleep.

absolutely nothing wrong in my marriage (or sex life). I’m a much happier person now I can sleep again.

[Thebeastofsleep]

@floofycroissant

Can you discuss sharing for the night with the agreement that you will wake him up repeatedly whenever his snoring wakes you? I don't see how that alongside recorded proof he would still minimise how much this is affecting you. In fact it'd be really worrying - is he this uncaring in other ways? Why is he in such denial?

I've already done this. He gets really really annoyed at being constantly woken and just says I need to get over it, stop being so sensitive.

[Thebeastofsleep]

@Sexnotgender

Why is he not happy?

Is he usually so selfish?

Because he wants to share a bed.

No, he's not selfish in any other area.

[Lollypop701]

Sleep with him once a week when you can sleep in the next day. Record him snoring then Wake him up every time. Not just a shove to turn him over wake him up. When he complains tell him to go To the gp because sleep apnea can be a serious condition . He’s being a selfish git

[Olsi109]

My DH snores. I also told him he would sleep on the sofa if he didn't sort it out or I would bunk in with DD (she has a hung bed - no spare room as 3 DC's) . His dad has some kind of machine which he wears at night to help him.

Anyway, My DH bought these cheap nose clip things off eBay and they have been working. Your DH cannot be annoyed at you for sleeping in a different room if he has no intention of doing anything to sort the snoring, he's basically telling you to get over the lack of sleep just so he doesn't have to sleep on his own. I'd carry on sleeping in the spare room until he does something and just refuse to converse with him about it if he starts. Selfish.

[weltenbummler]

@Thebeastofsleep

I've already done this. He gets really really annoyed at being constantly woken and just says I need to get over it, stop being so sensitive.

My reply to him would be that he just needs to get over feeling lonely on his own in bed and needs to stop being so sensitive .how selfish of him!

[Lollypop701]

Cross posted can he explain why you have to get over it but HE doesn’t like it and gets cross?

[floofycroissant]

Wow, that's actually shocking. He has no respect for your feelings. Sleep deprivation can have massive heath implications. How does his minimising make you feel?

Have either of you ever tried monitoring your sleep? I'd be really interested in the quality of his. It might surprise him too.

Is he normally quite stroppy when he doesn't get his own way? I don't really get why he's so intent on you sharing the bed, is he just quite traditional, or is it a move towards wanting more sex?

[floofycroissant]

Honestly I'd find his behaviour a massive turn off.

[RandomMess]

Turn it back on him. You will share a bed with him when he's actively trying to resolve his snoring.