To not want to sleep in the same bed as my husband?

[Thebeastofsleep]

He snores. He isn't overweight but has a significant family history of sleep apnea which he refuses to acknowledge.

We have a spare room with a double bed and it's always made up. I tend to sleep in there. He complained that this left him with the lion's share of kids wake ups, which is true, so I suggested we take turns. We do generally take turns but he's getting increasingly annoyed at it. He wants to share a bed. I want some fucking sleep.

I've agreed to share a bed if he goes to the doctor's about his snoring. He refuses. He doesn't believe it's that bad despite me recording him and others commenting.

He says I need to "get over it" and just go to sleep. I can't. I'm an incredibly light sleeper and after 6 years of broken sleep from kids I just can't cope anymore and I've been really enjoying getting full night's sleep.

When we do share a bed (on holiday or if we have guests) I wear custom made ear plugs which help but they hurt my ears after a while and I can't wear them every night.

Aibu or is he?

Our sex life is fine and we have plenty of contact/ intimacy outside of the bedroom.

I lost my shit and threatened divorce.

However, bizarrely when we were on a tour in Morocco that included a visit to a herbalist in the souk, they gave him black cumin seeds in hessian. You crush them slightly and inhale deeply a few times before bed... Total life saver! Its been a known method in herbal medicine for years.

You have nothing to lose

Tell him you're done sharing a bed with a full-volume saw-mill and that he'll just have to get over it.

Tell him he needs to get over not sharing a bed and to stop being so sensitive. Selfish git.

Then move into the spare room permanently.

Fuck him. There are so many selfish men like this.

Just sleep in the spare room. He can’t stop you!! He’s being incredibly selfish. I would never let my DH dictate where I sleep. We’ve been in separate rooms for a few years, it’s life changing.

The solution is in his hands isn't it? He knows what he has to do, if he won't do it then tough the current arrangement stands.

He gets really really annoyed at being constantly woken and just says I need to get over it, stop being so sensitive.

How is it any different to you being constantly woken up?
He is being irresponsible about not seeking medical help if he does have sleep apnoea. DH has it and he had a stroke. He now uses a CPAP machine, and he gets better quality sleep and so do I.

Also, if your DH isn't getting enough sleep he shouldn't be driving.

Exactly the same problem here so now we sleep apart. Best thing ever. Best nights sleep for both of us. DH was the same as yours but gave in after trial run. As for the intimacy, thats really up to you both. It doesn't mean you have to sleep in the same bed afterwards. Its quite common for people to sleep separately these days.

When someone refuses to accept responsibility for their behaviour (yes it's his behaviour) then the only option is to pass the responsibility back onto them.

So, go on the offensive. Emphasise the split between you by putting a lock on your room. Tell him you need sleep and don't want him or the kids disturbing you during the night.

It's a win win situation. Trust me, it is. If he continues to be in denial, enjoy your perfect nights. And when he gets desperate enough for sex, MAKE SURE IT IS ON HIS BED, NOT YOURS. I know male psychology. I'm a man. Eventually he will feel aggrieved and then be forced to consider if there's anything he can do.

Be consistent. Commit to the long term (years). Men can be dense but we finally get there. If you know you're right, stick to the point and hold them to the point until he's begging for forgiveness. It's the only way, and as a man, we actually respect that. There's nothing wrong in strength and assertiveness.

Wake him up whenever he starts snoring, he’ll soon get sick of it and either agree to you sleeping elsewhere or getting something done about his snoring.

I spent nearly 20 years sleeping with snorers. I wore earplugs but that was only ok if I got to sleep first and they weren't very loud. And despite them talking about it they never went to see the doctor.

5 years since I've had to sleep with a snorer and I wouldn't share my bed with one again.

Yanbu op.

My ex husband was a horrendous snorer. Even once l insisted on separate rooms, we had a (small) bedroom in between our rooms, and l could still hear him to a degree, with both bedroom doors closed.
I worked shifts, and sharing a bed with him meant l got no sleep at all. It was unbelievably loud, like someone drilling a hole in the wall next to your head.
I used to book time off work to get some sleep, or sleep on my days off when he was at work.
We actually got to the point where l refused to go on holiday with him, as the last time we'd been away l had literally no sleep for three nights running. And someone in the next room complained about the noise.
Sleep deprivation is awful. It affects your health. So no, Op, you are NOT being unreasonable at all. He gets annoyed at being constantly woken, but he doesn't appreciate that you aren't even getting to sleep?
You're going to have to be really firm on this one. If he won't see a doctor, you sleep in another room. It's so incredibly selfish and inconsiderate.

This is why DH and I switched to self-catering! I can't cope with more than one sleepless night in a hotel room these days. Self-catering may be a bit more work but it's so worth it. We always book a place that has two bedrooms now.

He gets really really annoyed at being constantly woken and just says I need to get over it, stop being so sensitive.

Tell him he needs to get over you being in a separate room. What a selfish, inconsiderate, insensitive twat.

Has he tried a mouth guard? I was ready to sleep apart and knew it would be the death knell to 'us'. It came off the back of the breastfeeding years where I was craving sleep.
DH got a mouth guard and he was so quiet I was worried. Occasionally he has a warthog moment but overall it's good. We're still in the same bed.

I have exactly the same problem with my OH he sleeps on the sofa his choice because he will do absolutely nothing about it ! I have fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue and I rarely sleep well on my own let alone with a ghetto blaster of snorting and snoring all night. He has slept downstairs for 3 years. And I offer to swap for the sofa but he won't let me . Your relationship won't last if you get no rest.feel for you I really do ❤️

@Thebeastofsleep

He has this idea we'll grow apart in separate rooms.

If he really believed this he'd sort out the problem wouldn't he? The solution lies with him. 🌹

Snoring is impossible to ignore.
I used to detest family holidays because of loud snoring in the caravan by parents, esp after a drink.
He has try and sort this out for both your sakes.
snorers, much like owners of barking dogs, are often in deep denial about the noise it makes.

Both being unreasonable and childish.
HIBU by not going to the doctors.
UABU for not wearing earplugs.
The ear plugs hurt your ears, pills doctors prescribe have side effects.

Disagree, if OP makes the first compromise and wears earplugs again he'll never do anything about the issue. She need to stick to her separate sleeping until he makes the first effort to try and fix this.

And it needs to be genuine effort. I've known where men have gone to the Dr, childishly downplayed their issue and come home vilified because "the Dr says I'm fine". You might need to push for an appointment where you both attend as it's a joint health issue.

Honestly if he doesn't budge then I'd seriously consider giving him an ultimatum of the Dr or couples therapy. He seems to be entirely selfish and ignorant of the impact he's having on you, and you say he's a good guy, but from your OP it sounds like he left you to deal with things solo when you were sleep deprived from kids too. Bit of dick move if you ask me.

I'd stop having a spare room and make it your room. Make it clear to the kids who they can come to each night - maybe have a draft excluder which is the signal not to come in and move it between your doors depending who's on duty for kid needs?

Give him lots of love for it because he's clearly scared about sleeping separately coming between you as a couple. But don't compromise. The trauma of bad sleep lasts a long time.

DH and I have been in separate rooms since he had Covid in February. We’ve realised that we both sleep better (ok, peri-menopause means I don’t necessarily sleep well but at least I don’t disturb him when I wake up at 4am).

Our sex life hasn’t changed.

i used to sleep with earplugs. I found that if I wore them regularly they caused pain which unfortunately I couldn’t sleep through either. It was amazing at first though.

If he doesn’t want to go to the doctor then ok but you both have to live with his sleep apnoea, not just him. You are totally justified sleeping in the spare room. You need to look after your own health.

Sex isn't an issue. We have plenty of sex, which I want to keep having. I'm not witholding sex and wouldn't want to, that sounds petty and unreasonable and will definitely make things worse.

Who said anything about pills? Due to DHs family history I know lots of people with sleep apnoea, none have been prescribed pills.

And there's also a solution which involves no pills and no ear plugs- sleeping apart.