To not want to sleep in the same bed as my husband?

[Thebeastofsleep]

He snores. He isn't overweight but has a significant family history of sleep apnea which he refuses to acknowledge.

We have a spare room with a double bed and it's always made up. I tend to sleep in there. He complained that this left him with the lion's share of kids wake ups, which is true, so I suggested we take turns. We do generally take turns but he's getting increasingly annoyed at it. He wants to share a bed. I want some fucking sleep.

I've agreed to share a bed if he goes to the doctor's about his snoring. He refuses. He doesn't believe it's that bad despite me recording him and others commenting.

He says I need to "get over it" and just go to sleep. I can't. I'm an incredibly light sleeper and after 6 years of broken sleep from kids I just can't cope anymore and I've been really enjoying getting full night's sleep.

When we do share a bed (on holiday or if we have guests) I wear custom made ear plugs which help but they hurt my ears after a while and I can't wear them every night.

Aibu or is he?

Our sex life is fine and we have plenty of contact/ intimacy outside of the bedroom.

[gamerchick]

Does he realise, that not addressing this he's risking his actual life? If the DVLA knew he would lose his driving license?

Tell him you'll share a bed with him, when he's got his fucking CPAP and not before

[Thebeastofsleep]

@floofycroissant

Wow, that's actually shocking. He has no respect for your feelings. Sleep deprivation can have massive heath implications. How does his minimising make you feel?

Have either of you ever tried monitoring your sleep? I'd be really interested in the quality of his. It might surprise him too.

Is he normally quite stroppy when he doesn't get his own way? I don't really get why he's so intent on you sharing the bed, is he just quite traditional, or is it a move towards wanting more sex?

Yes, we both have smart watches. He gets low end of normal sleep. I stopped monitoring mine when DS was a baby as it upset me so much because my sleep was awful. DS was a shockingly bad sleeper (I'd get less than 3 hours of total sleep per 24 hours for weeks on end. I was really ill because of it.

I think because of my hideous experience of sleep deprivation with DC1 I'm particularly sensitive to anything affecting my sleep.

[TheGlitterati]

Same scenario here OP. We have slept separately for quite a while now. The difference is my DH isn’t a bastard about it and we are both sleeping better apart.

i do miss the middle of the night cuddles, in the winter especially. But it’s worth it, not being awake for hours in the night listening to his snoring.

[Regularsizedrudy]

What a horrible little man

[Bootothegoose]

If he wants to share a bed he needs to address his snoring.

If he complains respond 'you have to get over it and go to sleep.'

He sounds an arse even if this is his 'only' area of selfishness.

[ThinWomansBrain]

radio 4's start the week was about the importance of sleep and sleep rythyms - an interesting listen
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m0017cnr

[Penguinevere]

My FIL has sleep apnoea, it sounds like a helicopter taking off in the next room.

so intimacy is ok that’s good. Just ignore him and get a good night sleep in the spare bed op. If it makes you feel better tell yourself he wouldn’t like you to be a raging sleep deprived cow either.

I think you need to just be ruthless here and say tough titty. I would.

[splishsplashsploshsplish]

I am in your shoes, but we have been together for 20 years. DH is now overweight as well so it gets worse over the years and we don't have a spare room, so it's on the couch.

He would always say to me that he can't help it, it's not his fault. But it's not my fault either and I am TIRED.

Last week he finally went for sleep apnea tests and his results were 52! This is severe.
Today is the first night with the machine. I have high hopes...

[floofycroissant]

Also just to add from experience if he's that bad a snorer this will be impacting your DCs sleep too. I remember being able to hear my dad from every room in the house, it'd keep me awake and I'd be shattered for school. I was also embarrassed to have friends round for sleepovers. It's miserable for everyone.

[Daenerys77]

Our sex life is fine and we have plenty of contact/ intimacy outside of the bedroom.

I'm amazed at your forbearance. He wouldn't be getting any of that from me.

[whynotwhatknot]

Me and dh have seprate rooms-love my sleep its awful when we go away wish we cold afford two rooms

your dh is being selfish

[Thesefeetaremadeforwalking]

@Vallmo47

Using separate bedrooms saved my marriage- I was ready to pack it all in due to DH also snoring. Everyone deserves and needs sleep. It’s beyond unreasonable to claim otherwise. If he’s not happy with arrangement, he will seek help. Meanwhile get some sleep.
absolutely nothing wrong in my marriage (or sex life). I’m a much happier person now I can sleep again.

I would second this ^.

My husband not only snores but grinds his teeth, talks rubbish in his sleep and thrashes about.
The night I moved out of the bedroom was the night I got my life back !

[Stravaig]

If he's not acknowledging the problem or making any effort to solve it I'd go further and formalise having separate bedrooms. Pick the one where you sleep best, claim it as yours and nest a bit. He can have the other and shuffle around to accomodate guests.

My first love took it as a huge rejection if I slept separately, even just top and tailed for a sense of space. Bizarre. Some people seem to view a bed partner as their personal teddy bear or blankie, and get irrationally upset if you remove it. I am unsympathetic. Sleep is so precious, my partner should protect it, not feel entitled to deprive me of it!

[Herejustforthisone]

Your husband = a selfish cunt.

[Meklk]

Honestly, I will never understand why some people killing themselves by sleeping with snoring person. My FIL doing it sooo loud that once (we were on holidays in the same vila) I was not even able to watch TV in other room. My MIL takes few tablets every evening and just "passing out". Otherwise she couldn't sleep at all. I don't see the point to feed myself with tablets that someone could sleep next to me... I would definitely move to other room,even with kids.

[MrBoldwood]

My DH and I sleep separately for this very reason. No problem. We’re still intimate.

[Thursday37]

We have had separate master bedrooms for our entire relationship. I don’t like sharing. We are fortunate to have the space for a Superking bed each and we keep our own stuff in each room. It’s bliss.
We don’t even share on holiday!

As a bit of background though, I have a parasomnia and can be a nightmare with it. He is a very light sleeper. We were never going to be happy in the same bed for more than 1 night (we can do a hotel for a single night if no other choice).

[Aprilx]

We have slept in separate rooms for a little while now. It suits us both as when we are in the same room, I am not going to lie there listening to him snoring, I will wake him up. We even avoid sleeping in the same room on holiday now, we try to book a small suite and we have even been known to book a room each. It is better than ruining a holiday.

[Cherrysoup]

My parents were like fucking bandsaws, their bed was head to head with mine. Shocking.

Are you starting off together or do you go straight to separate rooms? I start with my Dh then invariably move about 2am, I don’t sleep well. I’d say alternate rooms but after you’ve done all the baby wakings, I don’t see why he can’t take his turn.

[billy1966]

@floofycroissant

Honestly I'd find his behaviour a massive turn off.

Telling you to just get over it?

Even though you have previously been unwell because of prolonged lack of sleep?

What a selfish pig.

He sounds deeply unpleasant.

[LittleMissMoggy]

I hate this 'romantic' idea that you are meant to share a bed with your partner. Sleep is so important for your health and happiness, and no one can have as good a sleep sharing a bed as they could alone. Needing to sleep alone is nothing to do with your partner or be anyone else. Insisting on sharing is so selfish.

[lisavanderpumpscloset]

If he isn't willing to acknowledge your concerns, HE needs to get over it and sleep alone.

[Thebeastofsleep]

@Cherrysoup

My parents were like fucking bandsaws, their bed was head to head with mine. Shocking.

Are you starting off together or do you go straight to separate rooms? I start with my Dh then invariably move about 2am, I don’t sleep well. I’d say alternate rooms but after you’ve done all the baby wakings, I don’t see why he can’t take his turn.

Since they stopped breastfeeding overnight (14 months DC1, 8 months DC2) we've taken it in turns. He did the night weanlings (hell with DC1) and he did night wakings with DC1 until DC2 was night weaned, though DC1 woke more frequently than DC2, even when she was a newborn. He's definitely done his share.

He has this idea we'll grow apart in separate rooms. I think it'll be worse if I'm chronically sleep deprived.

[Ragwort]

Just sleep in the spare room, he sounds massively selfish ... what is it with coupes who need to share a bed ? I hate sharing ... DH and I have completely separate bedrooms, I love my peaceful sanctuary. Married over 30 years.

[Wammawink]

Separate bedrooms is the secret to a lasting marriage imo