To not want to sleep in the same bed as my husband?

[Thebeastofsleep]

He snores. He isn't overweight but has a significant family history of sleep apnea which he refuses to acknowledge.

We have a spare room with a double bed and it's always made up. I tend to sleep in there. He complained that this left him with the lion's share of kids wake ups, which is true, so I suggested we take turns. We do generally take turns but he's getting increasingly annoyed at it. He wants to share a bed. I want some fucking sleep.

I've agreed to share a bed if he goes to the doctor's about his snoring. He refuses. He doesn't believe it's that bad despite me recording him and others commenting.

He says I need to "get over it" and just go to sleep. I can't. I'm an incredibly light sleeper and after 6 years of broken sleep from kids I just can't cope anymore and I've been really enjoying getting full night's sleep.

When we do share a bed (on holiday or if we have guests) I wear custom made ear plugs which help but they hurt my ears after a while and I can't wear them every night.

Aibu or is he?

Our sex life is fine and we have plenty of contact/ intimacy outside of the bedroom.

No he didn't leave me to deal with things solo. DC1 was a bottle refuser who only would only settle on the breast. DH spent hours and hours trying to get him to take a bottle and settle him by patting, walking up and down and all it resulted in was several nights of no sleep for either of us due to DC screaming until he stopped breathing. He was a really high needs baby who only wanted boob. DH used to get up at 5am with him Saturday and Sunday and take him for a 3 hour walk so I could get sleep and DC would just scream the entire time. It was a hideous time for us all. It was DH, DC would do nothing but scream with me either, except I had boobs.

Sleep deprivation has all sorts of really crap health outcomes!

I hear you OP... I've had chronic insomnia for years...

It's shit.

Yesterday I fell asleep while standing up.

Your OH does sound deeply self involved... Nothing more annoying than being told.. To 'just go to sleep'...

He needs to jave a massive dose of empathy.

I'd go in with him tonight... And every single time he wakes you, properly WAKE him up... Do this every single time.... Then complain when he's sleep deprived. 😉

Same here. No spare room or space (cat jumps on anyone sleeping downstairs on sofa). Refuses to 'wear a mask' or go back to GP or lose any weight despite moaning about being fat. I now just agree. He's been wanting to lose weight for years but instead eats family sized bags of crisps and huge portions. The love is definitely fading as a pp said. Snorts, splutters, gasps etc all night.

Yanbu op. My dh twitches in his sleep (more disruptive than it sounds!) and I swear to god if we had a spare room I’d be out like a shot.

He is being extremely unreasonable, if he wants to share a bed he goes to the gp. End of!

My dh had the same and did go to the gp, he's ended up having an operation to stop the snoring (it was horrendous), we now sleep in the same bed, but up until that point there's no way I could have, sleep deprivation is a form of torture

Apart from anything else, sleep apnea is bad fir the heart.
There are telephone apps which record the snoring, decibels, times & apnea.
He should get a monitor from the cardiologist, they will probably give him a CPAP machine.
Its not a 100% cure, but once he gets used to it, it will improve his quality of sleep too, he will be less tired & in better health.
Meanwhile, stay firm. Tell him there is a simple remedy to his problem but its not You "putting up with it".
He needs to stop the denial & see the doctor ( preferably with you in tow, so he doesn't lie about the severity )

BTW, my H needs chivvying to wear his, & sometimes removes it in the night,
But my God, has it improved my sleep

Totally agree.
I told mine it was separate beds or divorce.

No farting, snoring or thrashing about.
My lovely,lovely clean tidy bedroom and peace.
Bliss

It's not just about him going to the doctor and following their recommendations, OP. If I were living with a snorer I'd expect them to be in the best possible health, no drinking, smoking or eating crappy food, lots of exercise and destressing activity. Basically to tackle anything and everything which might contribute to the snoring.

Chronic sleep deprivation ruins our phsyical and mental health. It is not an expression of love to inflict that on a partner with a shrug and a sulk and a strop. Forcing snoring on others is neglectful, harmful, aggressive, controlling. 'You WILL take me as I am and love it.' Hopefully he'll snap out of denial and sort it out. But stay alert.

Separate beds all the way. Explain to him with very short words that it's sleeping WITH him that is driving you apart.

It's important to get sleep apnoea treated but doing so is not always an easy fix. It's hard to learn to sleep with a CPAP, and the partner can still be disturbed by flailing tubes, the mask blowing a stream of air at you all night which is way more annoying than it sounds, and the literally constant noise. It really isn't as simple as "go to the GP or lose weight and it'll all be fixed". Go with your separate bedrooms idea, and beware of striking bargains and promising to return if he does xyz. You deserve some quiet space to sleep, and he's incredibly selfish to even want to deny you that.

Yup. Do this.

My DH was like this, it was so disrespectful to me. Eventually he recorded himself and it was hilarious. The actual wide eyed horror as he listened to himself. Why the heck he couldn't just take my word for it I don't know. But at least he took the initiative and got the proof himself. He was very sorry after that and did what he could to improve the situation, and at least is now sorry when he does it or doesn't moan if we end up in different beds.

Seriously, when he listened back to the recording, did he not at least apologise, or acknowledge it, or anything? He is being a total arrogant a-hole if he just expects you to love with that.

Absolutely reasoable to sleep in another room. It's weird that he doesn't comprehend that if you find it to be a problem then it's a problem. It's not for him to say how bad it is.

He's very healthy. It's definitely a genetic thing. He's not overweight, he doesn't smoke, only drinks occasionally, exercises. It's not a lifestyle issue.

I would kick him awake. Every single time.

Why is it OK for you to have interrupted sleep and not him 😡!

Ironically he will feel much better if he sorts it out!

He can't be getting as good quality sleep as he could be.

Putting the duvet over their heads often wakes them without the evidence of you kicking them!

YANBU OP - it's causing you a problem so you found a solution. He complained about being the one waking with the kids and you suggested a solution to that. He's demanding you sleep in the same bed with no regard to the problems it's causing you - how on earth is that fair?

I love going on holiday with my Mum but dread sharing a room with her because of her snoring - I try desperately to get to sleep first but even if I do I still get woken up, usually around 4AM by her snoring. It drives me round the twist.

I hate the idea that couples should sleep together because 'it's the way things are done' - my step-mum and Dad share a room which some people think is weird but it works for them? I'd hate to share a bed, I hate that that's the expectation for couples.

*don't share a room that should've read!

He is being completely unreasonable.

How exactly does he expect you to 'get over' being woken up constantly. Waking is not something you can control. Why does he think his preference for sleeping in the same room trumps your need (not preference, an actual human need) for quality sleep? Does he not care that people who are chronically tired are more likely to crash their car, be unhealthy, suffer from more illnesses for longer, be depressed? How are you supposed to 'get over' all that?? When he won't even make the effort with one doctors visit

I've already done this. He gets really really annoyed at being constantly woken and just says I need to get over it, stop being so sensitive.

(this refers to the waking him up tactic) Frankly? Sleep deprivation is a form of torture and I'm pretty sure it's not allowed under the Geneva conventions.

In your shoes? I would carry on in my own bed (alternating with him using the spare room if that works for both of you) and not faff about going into the spare room at 2am because that is broken sleep. And I would just keep repeating back to him that you are going to continue to insist that when you are awake, he is awake and that's not good for anyone, you are going to sleep in the spare room. Stick to it: if you sleep with him, wake him when you are awake.

But as others have said, this is a medical condition that must be seen to. You make him sound lovely in other ways so why won't he go to the doctor? Why is he potentially depriving his kids of a father before his time?

He’s unreasonable. He needs a CPAP and you’ll both sleep better.

YANBU my husband snores, he is away on a boys holiday this week, I am sleeping so well! If only we had a spare room I could go to sleep in when he's back.

Your DH is being very unfair to you.

YANBU - we've had separate rooms for pretty much our whole marriage! You need sleep. Nothing works without it.

@Thebeastofsleep Great overall health rules out a lot of contributory factors! He sounds like a good one with the bairns and your intimacy isn't suffering, so hopefully this is a brief period of denial before he sees a doctor and/or supports your solution. Claim a room as yours, make it clear this is the future. If you move house, plan for separate bedrooms. You'll reconsider if and when he no longer snores. Although separate rooms is so very civilised, you may not want to share again!

I do think an ongoing refusal to sort it out becomes an issue in itself, but you sound well aware. Fingers crossed x

Sorry you're going through this OP! Sleep deprivation is horrible. Him keeping you awake all night is actually really harmful to your own mental and physical health - it increases the risk of depression and anxiety, even the risk of suffering a stroke. Do you think if you approached it from this angle he might be more inclined to do something about it?

Either way, sleep apnoea is incredibly serious and can lead to really severe health consequences if left untreated. The lack of oxygen entering the bloodstream because of the airway narrowing raises the risk of heart disease and stroke. He needs to do something about this sooner rather than later before it's too late. There are a couple of treatment options for sleep apnoea that the NHS recommends - one is CPAP, which is the whole mask over the face at night thing. The only issue is that it can be a bit uncomfortable, or your DP might refuse if he thinks it's embarrassing. The other option the NHS recommend is an oral device. It looks like a mouth guard and you wear it at night while you sleep. It moves the lower jaw forward so the airway opens and the snoring/gasping stops. They're really good for mild-to-moderate sleep apnoea, but it's worth a shot even if your DP has severe sleep apnoea! Much better than doing nothing and risking his health.

I bought my DH one from Boots, one of the bog standard boil and bite ones. It took him about a week to get used to it, but it was like magic. Absolute silence at night. We've since upgraded to a custom fit oral device because it looked comfier and slimmer than the Boots one. Best money we've ever spent. We use the Snoreeze LabFIT oral device - was a bit tricky to make the initial dental impressions at home, but once we got the finished device back it was worth it. Please, please OP, don't put off sorting it - I did for far too long and I regret not doing it sooner. Put your sanity first!