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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to sleep in the same bed as my husband?

122 replies

Thebeastofsleep · 16/05/2022 20:44

He snores. He isn't overweight but has a significant family history of sleep apnea which he refuses to acknowledge.

We have a spare room with a double bed and it's always made up. I tend to sleep in there. He complained that this left him with the lion's share of kids wake ups, which is true, so I suggested we take turns. We do generally take turns but he's getting increasingly annoyed at it. He wants to share a bed. I want some fucking sleep.

I've agreed to share a bed if he goes to the doctor's about his snoring. He refuses. He doesn't believe it's that bad despite me recording him and others commenting.

He says I need to "get over it" and just go to sleep. I can't. I'm an incredibly light sleeper and after 6 years of broken sleep from kids I just can't cope anymore and I've been really enjoying getting full night's sleep.

When we do share a bed (on holiday or if we have guests) I wear custom made ear plugs which help but they hurt my ears after a while and I can't wear them every night.

Aibu or is he?

Our sex life is fine and we have plenty of contact/ intimacy outside of the bedroom.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thebeastofsleep · 17/05/2022 11:26

eniledam · 17/05/2022 11:17

Sorry you're going through this OP! Sleep deprivation is horrible. Him keeping you awake all night is actually really harmful to your own mental and physical health - it increases the risk of depression and anxiety, even the risk of suffering a stroke. Do you think if you approached it from this angle he might be more inclined to do something about it?

Either way, sleep apnoea is incredibly serious and can lead to really severe health consequences if left untreated. The lack of oxygen entering the bloodstream because of the airway narrowing raises the risk of heart disease and stroke. He needs to do something about this sooner rather than later before it's too late. There are a couple of treatment options for sleep apnoea that the NHS recommends - one is CPAP, which is the whole mask over the face at night thing. The only issue is that it can be a bit uncomfortable, or your DP might refuse if he thinks it's embarrassing. The other option the NHS recommend is an oral device. It looks like a mouth guard and you wear it at night while you sleep. It moves the lower jaw forward so the airway opens and the snoring/gasping stops. They're really good for mild-to-moderate sleep apnoea, but it's worth a shot even if your DP has severe sleep apnoea! Much better than doing nothing and risking his health.

I bought my DH one from Boots, one of the bog standard boil and bite ones. It took him about a week to get used to it, but it was like magic. Absolute silence at night. We've since upgraded to a custom fit oral device because it looked comfier and slimmer than the Boots one. Best money we've ever spent. We use the Snoreeze LabFIT oral device - was a bit tricky to make the initial dental impressions at home, but once we got the finished device back it was worth it. Please, please OP, don't put off sorting it - I did for far too long and I regret not doing it sooner. Put your sanity first!

I'll look in to that, thanks. His family all have CPAPs but we're diagnosed much older than DH is now when I think it was more severe.

OP posts:
Marvellousmadness · 17/05/2022 11:28

He sounds like an ass
For hir reaction. Not for snoring.

Marvellousmadness · 17/05/2022 11:28

His*

Tdcp · 17/05/2022 11:37

I have sleep apnoea and there's no way in hell I'd be making my partner feel bad for not wanting to sleep in a bed with me if he said he'd rather not. I hate snoring and I would my partner to be comfortable and have a good nights sleep. He's being massively unreasonable.

arethereanyleftatall · 17/05/2022 12:32

So. He gets the best nights sleep he can, you get a shit one, there is a possible solution of going to the doctors for him, which he won't take; and you're ignoring all the posters who say he is being exceptionally selfish here.

Original poster
Thebeastofsleep · 17/05/2022 12:54

arethereanyleftatall · 17/05/2022 12:32

So. He gets the best nights sleep he can, you get a shit one, there is a possible solution of going to the doctors for him, which he won't take; and you're ignoring all the posters who say he is being exceptionally selfish here.

Not ignoring those saying he's being selfish! Of course he's being selfish, that's fucking obvious. But what does me acknowledging that gain me? How does it stop him being selfish?

OP posts:
Dillydollydingdong · 17/05/2022 13:04

Tape the snoring and play it back to him so he can appreciate how loud it is

ChocolateHippo · 17/05/2022 13:06

Just be selfish yourself! Tell him you're staying in the spare room, which can now be referred to as 'Thebeastofsleep's room'. And he can lump it.

To hell with his hurt feelings. They do not trump your health and wellbeing. Fwiw, I often sleep in our spare room, for no other reason than sometimes I enjoy having a whole huge bed to myself and not having to share. I would laugh in my DH's face if he thought his hurt feelings about 'not being close' were more important than me having a decent sleep. I'm not a gigantic teddy bear, ffs, and neither are you.

arethereanyleftatall · 17/05/2022 13:08

Well, it helps in the understanding that you're not in the wrong. It's strange that you would think it was up for debate. You tell him he's being selfish, and that you will be continuing to sleep apart, unless he goes to the doctor. You are secure in the knowledge you're right. End of the matter for you, and up to him with his choices - 1)doctors 2)sleep apart.

ithoughtisawapuddycat · 17/05/2022 13:11

Bes thing DH and I ever did was sleeping in different rooms. Same sized rooms, both king size beds - neither of us lose sleep or hate each other in the morning.

I toss and turn and like a cold bedroom plus i do sometimes snore. He is a light sleeper, is about 100 degrees hot and snores as well.

Hasn't affected anything else in the relationship and makes us happier people as we get good sleep (no kids to worry about). Share a bed when away and it is fine for a few nights.

CombatBarbie · 17/05/2022 14:25

OP at least get him to try black cumin seeds I said earlier, plenty of info on the Web about it, if that doesn't work and he refuses to see a doctor I would be questioning my future with him. Sleep deprivation is the pits along with petulant behaviour would be seeing me lose alot of respect for him.

Original poster
Thebeastofsleep · 17/05/2022 14:30

CombatBarbie · 17/05/2022 14:25

OP at least get him to try black cumin seeds I said earlier, plenty of info on the Web about it, if that doesn't work and he refuses to see a doctor I would be questioning my future with him. Sleep deprivation is the pits along with petulant behaviour would be seeing me lose alot of respect for him.

I will do

OP posts:
Heartofglass12345 · 17/05/2022 20:15

Does he realise sleep apnoea can be fatal if left untreated? Not to mention if he's driving (if he does drive) with possible untreated sleep apnoea and causes an accident he could be charged.
I have it and use a CPAP machine in the night and I'm not going to lie it is a pain in the arse, but it keeps me alive and I went from practically sleeping all day to working full time after I started my treatment.
I would stick to your guns and say you will only sleep with him again if he agrees to a sleep study and starts treatment.
If you're in the U.K. there is a charity called hope2sleep which has information on sleep apnoea.

ThatsBullshirt · 17/05/2022 20:22

DH is a snorer, a really loud, sounds like a bloody freight train kind of snorer. It was disturbing my sleep badly but we don't have a spare room so I shrugged it off for a while. He feels terrible for his snoring and I wasnt about to make him feel worse - very different from your "get over it" DH attitude. My DH got a mouth guard/gum shield about a month ago and OMG the difference it has made is huge. It doesn't affect his sleep at all but his snoring is so much better. It's not stopped him completely but the snoring is so much quieter and 95% of the time I can sleep through it. Maybe worth suggesting a mouth guard?

cakewitch · 17/05/2022 21:59

I had years of this.. 3 years spent in separate beds, and so many supposedly relaxing weekends away in hotels ruined because of his snoring that he refused point blank to acknowledge. It was only when he started to fall asleep while driving and it scared him so much he went to the doctors and got diagnosed with severe sleep apnoea that he actually started to understand the impact it was having on both of us. Hold your ground on this, OP.

getsomehelp · 18/05/2022 08:00

BTW, my H has a half face mask. So basically covers his nose. ( the air blowing in means you have to close your mouth)
If all goes well you keep the nose model, if you gave difficulty they move on to full mask. ( with possible increased dry mouth niggles)

Original poster
Thebeastofsleep · 21/05/2022 15:59

UPDATE

He's bought a gum shield. Totally unprompted. After the conversation that prompted this thread the issue hasn't been raised again. But in that time DH downloaded a snoring app which showed he was an "epic snorer". He's apologized to me and ordered a mouth guard which arrives soon.

OP posts:
ChocolateHippo · 21/05/2022 16:33

Good outcome, OP - hope you both get a better night's sleep going forward!

RandomMess · 21/05/2022 16:41

Does it work?

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 21/05/2022 16:41

Good result. As I said upthread, it really works for DH. Hope you get as good an outcome!

userxx · 21/05/2022 20:11

Thebeastofsleep · 21/05/2022 15:59

UPDATE

He's bought a gum shield. Totally unprompted. After the conversation that prompted this thread the issue hasn't been raised again. But in that time DH downloaded a snoring app which showed he was an "epic snorer". He's apologized to me and ordered a mouth guard which arrives soon.

Snoring app ? I need this!

Tessabelle74 · 25/11/2022 20:27

I wake up because of my husband's snoring, he then gets annoyed because I poke him to get him to move! I wish we had the luxury of separate rooms! Agree to share a bed only if you're allowed to wake him if he disturbs you and he stays awake as long as you do!

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