DH and career, salary

[hjliu8999]

To preface this with, this issue is not new and has been a source of tension between DH and I ever since we got together decades ago. But just had yet another fight with DH regarding his job and whether he should look for something else.

He's been in his current position for three years now, no salary increase and no promotion - and realistically it just wont happen, they said so. I've been trying to encourage him to move on. He admits he doesnt like his job or sector so it's not like he loves it or anything but just doesn't know how to look for anything else.

And frankly am fed up. We used to live abroad where he was in the same position for ten years - no promotion and just inflationary salary increases. We came back due to my job so he found the first thing he could and basically it's the same thing. But by now we have DC and London is really expensive (his current job is also half the money he earned abroad). By now he's 42 so time is not exactly on his side. And I appreciate that 55k is not nothing, but he has three degrees and is working in a professional job.

From my side I do work full time - in the sector that he used to work in and by now earn more than he does. But it's a public sector ish job and I wont be able to find anything in the private sector (those jobs just dont exist). Realistically my pay progression is rubbish (max I will ever earn is probably 70kish) but I do have a lot more flexibility and annual leave so do more of the childcare.

Am just really fed up. With the cost of living going up along with interest rates - we have a big mortgage - and I dont know how to convince DH that he needs to find something else. He accuses me of wanting him to earn more money - like thats a bad thing or something. Am I being unreasonable or is he? Any tips on how to change things.

I've seen a few posts like this. You don't own your spouse. They are free to earn what they like and do the job that makes them happy.

Sure his job isn't making him happy but only he can make the decision to change that, not you.

And if someone lacks ambition then that's down to them also, not you. A spouse does not become a slave to the other person when they marry.

Yes, you all have a responsibility to the family but there's no law that says you have to progress and progress forever until you finally die.

Realistically my pay progression is rubbish (max I will ever earn is probably 70kish)

You're completely out of touch, thats a lot of money

You also sound insufferable

And by the way I hate the attitude often found on MN that if you earn above average wages you have absolutely nothing to complain about. The OP isn't posting on a thread about making ends meet, she's talking about what it's like to live with someone who has a negative attitude to his own job and thinks he's special enough to spend a fortune on, when he's not prepared to do anything to bring in more money.

From understanding more from your subsequent posts- I’d say the issue isn’t that he won’t look for another job earning more but that he:

1. dislikes his job and complains about it yet does nothing


2. has unrealistic expectations of how much spare income you have at present


3. potentially doesn’t recognise the pressure you are under as you have the burden of childcare as your job has more flexibility (but will still expect outputs and will be pressured)

I’d just be careful how you phrase the conversations so the real issues are clear and he doesn’t hear it as a personal attack.

So he earns less than you do and probably spends more than he earns, he won't do any childcare and he moans constantly. Do you actually want to remain married to such a man ?

I’m not sure that’s being happy. That’s being in denial.

Would moving over to a bank account with serous budgeting features help? Monzo accounts, for example, help you analyse your spending in quite a lot of detail and to ringfence pots of money. And the app will send notifications about spending patterns. It might help you to show him that the spending is unsustainable.

I run a large department..

When I met female partners of my employees, many say they pick up the slack as we don’t have family friendly policies. It’s bollox - many men and women work flexibly on the same pay and it’s open to all. Their DPs just don’t want to, for whatever reason.

OP - I would refuse to listen to his moans and would breezily say that you’ve been through all that before. But I would present him with a rota when he’s in charge of pickups and bedtime, and would focus in your own career. You say you’re not sure it’s worth it for your family. I would pick this apart - is this double standards?

There is this too.

How would he feel about 50-50 care of the children and managing his isn’t budget entirely on his salary alone?

Or paying you maintenance because his job is just too inflexible.

He needs to sort himself out and stop being a dick about everything.

You'd have been better off putting this in the OP.

Your actual problem isn't him not earning enough. It's him combining an unwillingness to live according to his (actually pretty decent) means with the insistence on doing a job that doesn't pay enough for the lifestyle he wants, means he can't do anything like 50% of the childcare stuff and that he doesn't actually like so the family don't even accrue the benefits of him being happy and satisfied. Would agree with the poster who said the salary and career progression is a bit of a red herring.

Take this issue out of the equation

what is your marriage like with him?

It isn't sustainable at all - it must be worrying & stressful.

As must be DH's apparent lesser engagement with the DC.

But these are each very mighty dripfeeds.
Not mentioned at all in the OP - just the focus on DH having to earn more money.

I'll let you in to a little secret, you'll never have enough money

Try and be more grateful with what you've got

I'm an academic so I do know what it's like. It's not as if you can just do all the grocery shopping instead of him because you're already having to do more than your fair share with pick-ups/drop-offs and catching up on work on evenings to make up for that.
I couldn't cope with his attitude. He is being very selfish.

What would happen if you didn't have those savings? Because unless you have an awful lot of savings at this rate you won't have them for long.
If they were maybe paid off the mortgage (leaving some as a buffer obviously) and weren't available to spend, would he cut back or would he just rack up debt instead?

What are the goals as a household? Being mortgage free in X years? Saving for kids’ university? Upsizing and buying ambitious house in Y years? Having more disposable money? What is the plan and do you both agree on the plan itself and the timeline to it?

if yes - then surely it is a case of considering what’s doable, what’s not, and what plans B and C might be whilst staying happy and sane.

if you don’t agree on the plans - and have wildly different visions of the next 5 10 15 years then that’s a whole different conversation

Your updates have illustrated the real problem which is his inability to cut his coat according to his cloth.
What a shame none of his three degrees were in maths or economics (I assume). And he clearly has no idea what a spreadsheet is for.
Maybe get him to train as an accountant.
Sorry, OP. I was a bit sceptical of you at first, but now I see the real issue, and I have sympathy.
Can you sit down with him and do a budget?
This is where he needs to be on that old TV show where you are given cash for the week and have to make it last.

How is this helpful?

Pay Progression in academia is a bit pathetic. Just because this group of highly educated and experienced professionals earn more than the national average, doesn’t mean the pay offer isn’t a bit shit, especially for women whose careers are impacted by family commitments.

Looking at the number and deciding it’s more than you could earn doesn’t mean anything.

She’d likely have enough money if her husband were to stop overspending.

Should she just be grateful for that?

@Traumdeuter

What they said

Yes. When in fact based on what you've subsequently said OP, you'd likely be better off with a husband who earned bit less but was willing to live according to his means and was content in his job.

You should not have named figures here op

Very little understanding on mumsnet unless on bones of worse

and even less understanding of talking about London living

Bones of arse

Downsize and thus reduce your mortgage.
And /Or move to a cheaper area.

I didnt mean to drip feed but also didnt want to write an even longer essay. It's hard to summarise all the issue and a long marriage into a short post. I would be ok if he liked his job or even if he engaged with our current finances. But thats not happening either.

Many women admit openly on here that they are not ambitious and are comfortable with staying in an easy ish low paid job rather than progressing in a career. Surely men are entitled to feel the same? And he is not even low paid.

OP you're being greedy. Not everyone is driven to be on the professional 'up' all the time! Cut your DP some slack.

On a combined income of over £100K a year, you're a helluva lot better off than many families.