DH and career, salary

[hjliu8999]

To preface this with, this issue is not new and has been a source of tension between DH and I ever since we got together decades ago. But just had yet another fight with DH regarding his job and whether he should look for something else.

He's been in his current position for three years now, no salary increase and no promotion - and realistically it just wont happen, they said so. I've been trying to encourage him to move on. He admits he doesnt like his job or sector so it's not like he loves it or anything but just doesn't know how to look for anything else.

And frankly am fed up. We used to live abroad where he was in the same position for ten years - no promotion and just inflationary salary increases. We came back due to my job so he found the first thing he could and basically it's the same thing. But by now we have DC and London is really expensive (his current job is also half the money he earned abroad). By now he's 42 so time is not exactly on his side. And I appreciate that 55k is not nothing, but he has three degrees and is working in a professional job.

From my side I do work full time - in the sector that he used to work in and by now earn more than he does. But it's a public sector ish job and I wont be able to find anything in the private sector (those jobs just dont exist). Realistically my pay progression is rubbish (max I will ever earn is probably 70kish) but I do have a lot more flexibility and annual leave so do more of the childcare.

Am just really fed up. With the cost of living going up along with interest rates - we have a big mortgage - and I dont know how to convince DH that he needs to find something else. He accuses me of wanting him to earn more money - like thats a bad thing or something. Am I being unreasonable or is he? Any tips on how to change things.

Many couples get by on much less of a salary. YABU.

Yes, that would be great. Either would be great. Being stuck in limbo of hating the job, hating going to the office, hating making any adjustments and being totally inflexible is driving me nuts

dont think 70k is rubbish but my husband also thinks that forcing him to spend less than 170-200 quid per week on food is against his basic human rights

If your finances are not stacking up, I would focus on this tbh rather than trying to force him to bring in more. Have you had a proper conversation together about finances and budget as a whole? Based on your current incomes?

Your updates change things for me a bit from my first response. I would have no patience for endless moaning and no attempt to change the things that make him feel hard done by.

In the meantime I would tell your dh to stop moaning to you about his job and work to change the situation!

Indeed

OK. You are an academic. He’s a former academic who was coasting along and then switched sector, where he’s also happily coasting along.

You feel your promotion opportunities are limited in your field and further limited because he doesn’t pull his weight with the childcare and house work.

Is that right?

I think you need to reanalyse the issues.

It’s surely fine for him to lack further ambition and be happy just going along in his current role. He’s not looking for Progression. He’s presumably happy enough with the household income.

But you are having to pick up the slack because there’s more flexibility in your role. This is impacting on your ability to progress your own career. And you are not happy with the family income?

Do you want to become a professor? If so, you need him to take on his fair share of the family responsibilities and even offer more support so that you can achieve that.

Not everyone wants to move up the career ladder, money and career isnt everything. I have a degree and I technically could have had career progression if I tried harder based on the sector I worked in. But a higher up job would involved more stress, more hours etc. And yes I earnt more than my DH, however he never resented it for me. We just wanted enough to pay the bills and a bit extra, and get some sort of fulfillment out of my work.

He’s being unreasonable to want to keep spending on stuff you can’t afford (but on a combined salary of 110k I’m not sure how much you really can’t afford it) but that’s a different issue to the job.

Oh, actually. He’s not happy with the family finances. But refuses to make changes to make life more affordable or to earn more.

He needs to sort that out. That is something to be annoyed about.

Ah ok so your issue is about him being an entitled idiot, in which case YANBU.

Yep, you got it in one. However, when I point out to him that he needs to do that - he tells me that this is not possible in his sector because his employers dont care that he has kids. To which I did point out that maybe he could change jobs etc.....and there we start again. But I always end up the one with the childcare etc - unable to go off to conferences, network, work the 60hrs per week etc etc etc. In reality, I am not sure that for our family getting to a professor level is worth it i.e. I would need to be a lot less present, and DH isnt interested in being more present. Plus for him to get to the same salary would literally take one or two career progressions - working same hours he is already etc etc.

Back off, seriously. You are his wife, not his agent. Your husband is the one who should manage his career, not you. Concentrate on your own career

He is very happy with the finances. He just doesnt see why we need to spend less, even though we ended up going 10k into our savings this year through normal expenditure. He thinks we can keep on spending us we are

The problem is anything that she earns over and above will just get swallowed up in tax, it’s far more sensible for two people to earn around about the same than one to disproportionately out and the other.

that would do me in. Were you at someplace like CERN? 110k in London is not great, you’re earning too much for any kind of benefit but two professionals in london routinely take home around £200k, so you’re going to feel poor in comparison.

He either needs to pick up the slack childcare wise or earn more money. He doesn’t get to check out of family finances; his choices have impact on everyone. I also don’t see why you should give up a more promising career that a) stands a chance of going someplace and b) brings in more money.

I also call bullshit on all the “money doesn’t matter” people posting. It does matter, rather a lot, and I couldn’t live with someone with the same attitude as your partner.

At first I thought you were definitely being unreasonable. But if you're both earning similar amounts yet you are expected to do the majority of childcare then that isn't fair. Especially if he wants to maintain the same lifestyle he had when your wages were a lot higher. I think that's more the issue than his earnings and you're maybe focussing on the wrong problem.
However I wouldn't jeopardise my career progression. If DH couldn't do some wrap around childcare and his fair share of drop-offs and pick-ups, we'd be paying for it and if there's not enough money to cover the other things he wants/expects then tough

I think you need to focus attention on the outgoings, not his income. He cannot afford the lifestyle he thinks he deserves. That's the problem- how he resolves it is up to him - and up to you how long you're prepared to put up with him.

10k into savings because he won’t adjust his spending is not sustainable as you say. Either he needs to cut back on expenditure or get a better paid job.

I voted YABU based on the OP, but from your follow up posts I can see why you are frustrated. It is fine for him to want to stay where he is, but there needs to be some flexibility. He needs to either spend less, get a job that can accommodate childcare so you can earn more, or earn more himself. The problem is, if he won't, you are stuck really. You can't force him to do any of those things.

Yabu. What is wrong with his salary? Why don't you for peomotion?

His job doesn't allow any flexibility - he cant do any drop offs or pick ups, his annual leave is a lot less than mine. So either our kids are in after school care five days a week before and after which they hate or I do some of the pick ups and work evenings. I cant just go and network or go to conferences like everyone else trying to become a prof - because I have kids. But equally any discussion of him actually looking at our food budget rather than just buying whatever results in same level of hostility that I don't get his needs.

So yes the moaning about the job, refusing to cut down on finances and total refusal to look for anything else is a problem.

You’ve got a really big problem with his attitude. I’m willing to bet that it’s an ongoing thing and his private sector employment is just the latest excuse about why he couldn’t possibly pull his weight equally, never mind actually do more to enable you to progress his career.

I may, of course, be projecting my experience of large numbers of male academics there. But I feel fairly confident it’s a classic make entitlement thing, dressed up in bullshit about economic structures or whatever else sounds more important than picking up the kids and making them dinner.

Incidentally, I wouldn’t assume there are no career opportunities for you outside academia. I thought I was trapped in an academic job I hated, but it turns out there are loads of job opportunities out there. I switched over to a civil service role - which I really enjoy, but I don’t currently earn enough (due to changes in my family circumstances in particular). I have been applying for promoted posts and also slightly different roles in other sectors. I just got a job offer that’s almost double my current salary (I took a big pay cut to get out of academia, but this offer is considerably more than I earned previously; it’s more money even taking pension differences into consideration - and there’s lots of scope for progression). I’m waiting to hear back from 2 more interviews too.

Which is to say, it’s easy to imagine there’s no other possibilities from within the academy. But there very often are loads of alternatives.

Of course, you may actually want to remain an academic. And that’s not wrong either.

Yeah I voted YABU based on your OP, but you’ve drip-fed quite a lot in updates!

ultimately you can’t force him to change jobs, though, so focus on changing the lifestyle. He might like multiple foreign holidays a year, but can’t force you to book and go on them. Sit down in a calm environment and make your points - “we’ve eaten into savings to the tune of £10k, it’s not sustainable, one of us needs to earn more or we spend less, that’s the only way forward.”

He would drive me round the bend. When someone combines negativity with entitlement, it always leads to a toxic environment for their partner.