AIBU to be terrified I am gay when I am married with DC?

[Scaredbeyondbelief123]

As my username says really -
Im petrified
Ive fallen head over heels in love with a close friend
Neither of us have been with a woman before
We cut all contact as soon as we realised how we felt, nothing physical happened of course as we are both married.
3 months later and I’m so upset without her, it’s like I can’t function.
Shes messaged me today saying she has decided to end her marriage, he is leaving next month, no expectations but she wanted me to be aware of the situation.
My children are younger than hers and would be devastated if me and their dad split.
I love my husband, I really do, but there’s always been something missing emotionally as I’ve often had really really intense female friendships - none have crossed the line like this but they would be so intense I would fall out with them easily as would be hurt by minor things etc.
Maybe I’ve been gay all along but how the F do I do this now, married with 2 children.
I feel heartbroken whatever way I go now.
Any advice please?

You could work on your marriage so your children have a stable family life and you deepen your emotional connection with your husband.
sometimes loving someone that has become a bit boring m/predictable/always there is difficult, that’s when Love becomes an action a logical choice and not just a feeling.
In the end all relationship become day to day. They just look more exciting at the start.
Regardless of the I might be gay aspect at some point you loved your husband enough to marry him. Try and remember all those reasons and work towards making your marriage less boring.
You might want to think about the things that dive you crazy about her in a bad way - this ti me is a concern when you haven’t even yet embarked on a relationship.

I wouldn't break up my family to go from one relationship where I felt I was missing something, to another where I felt the same.

As you still love your husband, I would try to make your marriage work and hope the infatuation passes, as breaking up your family is a huge decision. You sound like you are more likely bisexual, or it’s simply more about the person rather than their gender.
It’s not uncommon to develop feelings for someone else. When it happened to me I simply avoided them and it did pass.
Of course this friend seems more exciting and sexually appealing than your husband, as he is comfortable and familiar. But that’s not a bad thing.
Give it some time, and accept this is a part of you. If it doesn’t pass or eventually intensifies then you’ll have to reconsider, but for now at least, try to get past it and make it work with your husband.

I know 3 people this has happened to over the last couple of years. I think lockdown has made them realise they’re not happy and there’s more to life.

the first divorced her husband and is happily single after having 2 gay relationships, identifies as gay now and is very happy on her own. 2 school age children.

the second, two women who are friends, both left their husbands and now live together. Each had children, one had 3 secondary age children and the other two primary age. They’re extremely happy.

the third, had an affair with her friend but they ended it when one husband found out, the other husband is still in the dark. The one whose husband knows, she is planning her exit strategy.

in my experience of watching and supporting these 3 women, is that you can’t go back once you realise.

It all comes down to sex. Are you enjoying a satisfying sex life with your husband? Do you fancy and fantasise about women? That’s all that matters when it comes to the lesbian bit.

I was ‘in love’ with a female friend of mine once, and it kind of got physical, which was when I realised, I’m not gay at all. You have found an intense connection and your marriage has been going on for a while so it’s not that exciting anymore. It doesn’t mean that what you feel for this woman is stronger or better and it doesn’t mean you should leave your husband because you’ve now found the ‘real thing’. This strong feeling could end at any time and especially when it’s suddenly allowed. Your love for your husband is the Real Thing because at some point you decided you loved him enough to decide to make a legal and sacred bond with him in the form of marriage and children. Your children will really suffer if you leave and they won’t get a choice in the matter of whether to go through that. So I would put up with being not 100% fulfilled.

Why must you be gay? Why not bi? It doesn't give you the excuse to leave your marriage though if you're bi does it? No doubt that's why Phillip Schoffield came out as gay - lots of sympathy and understanding of how 'hard' it must be then. Of course this woman is more exciting, you've never been with a woman and this is very early days.

Do your husband a very big favour though and either leave him or block this woman completely from your life and put your effort into your marriage. If you're concentrating on your marriage the last thing you need is hearing about how she's left hers. If you're going to leave at some point though then stop messing him around and get on with it as you're wasting his time and using him while you dither around like this.

Have you posted about this before? more than once? If so do him a favour just leave as this is getting ridiculous.

I agree with other posters that the key thing to work out here is your feelings towards your husband. Are you sexually attracted to him and do you have romantic feelings towards him?

I am bisexual and generally feel sexually attracted to women more than I do to men (and like you, this has become more the case the older I get), but I am married to a man who I am in love with and sexually attracted to. It's normal to feel attraction or crushes on other people during a marriage, so I view feeling attracted to a woman in the same way I would if I felt attracted to a man who isn't my husband- something that is natural but that I don't act on because of my commitment to DH.

However, it's an entirely different matter if you don't feel sexually attracted to your DH and feel that you are only attracted to women. In that situation, leaving the marriage is the right thing to do IMO because you both deserve to be in a relationship with mutual attraction. However, I'd try to focus on your feelings (or lack thereof) towards DH when making your decision because you don't really know whether a relationship with your friend would work out and there's no way to find that out before leaving without cheating on him.

I suppose what I'm saying is that I think you should make your decision based on your sexuality and not on your feelings towards your friend, which may or may not turn into a lasting relationship. Sexuality can change over time and you haven't done anything wrong, this is not the same as someone knowing they aren't attracted to their partner and marrying them anyway. But I do think you owe it to your husband and yourself to make a clean break before exploring a relationship with someone else, man or woman, if that's what you want to do (I wasn't sure from your OP whether you were already romantically or sexually involved with your friend.)

This just isn't true though is it.

Look up comphet - compulsory heterosexuality. A lot of women are now starting to realise the same as you. These feelings are natural; given you do have to think of the kids, they would want their mom to be happy long term x

Why must you be gay? Why not bi? It doesn't give you the excuse to leave your marriage though if you're bi does it? No doubt that's why Phillip Schoffield came out as gay - lots of sympathy and understanding of how 'hard' it must be then. Of course this woman is more exciting, you've never been with a woman and this is very early days.

Not on here he wasn't. On here Phillip Schofield was battered for being selfish and possibly abusive, and there was lots of his poor wife and his poor family. I can assure there were very few people with sympathy and understanding.

Why are you so angry about this? You need to examine your own situation I think. Just reading between the lines.

This just isn't true though is it.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/telly_addicts/3816458-philip-schofield?

I feel so sorry for his wife. All these people high-fiving him for being so brave. What about his poor wife who has been lied to for the best part of 30 years!

Fucking snivelling cowardly fucker. That poor poor woman.
Brave? 27 years of lying to the person you should love the most, I don't see that as brave!

Not really- he's been lying to his wife for decades, he's 'being brave', years too late.

And that's just from page one.

Sorry, you're using ONE person to prove this ridiculous statement?

Sorry, you're using ONE person to prove this ridiculous statement? Hmm

That was three separate people from page one, I could keep going if you like? The link is right there in my post.

@Anonnnnnnm really you think that the OPs dc would prefer her to leave their father (who the OP says they adore) because the OP will be happier in the long run? Young children are much more selfish than that. If OP wants to prioritise their needs then she should stay.

If you had fallen for a male friend the replies would be different. But I don't think they should be.

I never recommend or support leaving a spouse for someone else. Because the someone else is fantasy not reality. The drudgery that comes from leading a normal life with someone is over looked in the first flush of lust.

If you are not happy for any reason then leave the relationship like the other woman in this situation has done. She has left without knowing if you two have a future.

Rather you didn't, enjoy your life and log off a bit x

Better than watching them in a toxic situation, that's the reality.

Rather you didn't, enjoy your life and log off a bit x

Ah, you should have said if you just wanted to make nonsense statements without anyone correcting you.

Thanks for your update and well done for bringing this up with your husband. I also must commend him for taking it well - there is clearly a lot of love between the two of you.

I had a friend in a similar boat to you, who brought up having an open relationship, which her husband was initially blindsided by, but eventually (years down the line) they decided that they were both happy to have threesomes with women, which allowed her to explore her bisexuality in a way that he was comfortable with. She did, however, end up “catching feelings” for a regular threesome partner, which put a halt to the whole thing.

More years went past and now her and her husband are divorced and she is now in a relationship with another man, as despite being more sexually attracted to women. She has, so far, not met a woman that she is compatible with enough to build a long-term relationship with.

I say all this to let you know that open relationships usually serve as a bandage on the wound, rather than a lifelong fix, unless both partners start the relationship knowing it will be an open one, where they have come to the conclusion as individuals rather than as a couple.

I also say this to say that like PP have said, you should only leave your marriage if you’re aware of the fact that you may not have a successful relationship with this woman or that you may end up single for many years whilst you explore your feelings and sexuality. Whilst few people will ever feel “comfortable” in this knowledge, you should be at a point where it is unwaveringly the right way for you to go.

Good luck, OP 💐

💋

Sorry, on a side note, this is to the previous posters who are comparing the OP to Philly Schofield:

The OP had a legitimate friendship with a woman, which, when it went into emotional affair territory, she then cut off and sought counselling for, which she paid for out her back pocket as she recognised the urgency.

Three months later, she has been honest that she still misses the friend terribly, which has led her to post on here and tell her husband last night.

Now, how on Earth is that comparable to a man who sexually cheated on his wife time and again, exposing her to God knows what, whilst also being a massive cokehead (it is well known that he was taking coke throughout this time)?

Philip Schofield is a narcissistic cheat who has probably caused his wife irreparable emotional damage, whereas OP is just a normal person trying to figure out complex feelings and to do the right thing.

Please stop comparing them, you’re embarrassing yourselves.

Yes they’re happy. Wonder what the kids privately think.

It’s really not. The whole Happy Mum (so do whatever the f you feel like any time) happy kids thing is all bullshit. And the same principle would never be applied to dads here.