AIBU to be terrified I am gay when I am married with DC?

[Scaredbeyondbelief123]

As my username says really -
Im petrified
Ive fallen head over heels in love with a close friend
Neither of us have been with a woman before
We cut all contact as soon as we realised how we felt, nothing physical happened of course as we are both married.
3 months later and I’m so upset without her, it’s like I can’t function.
Shes messaged me today saying she has decided to end her marriage, he is leaving next month, no expectations but she wanted me to be aware of the situation.
My children are younger than hers and would be devastated if me and their dad split.
I love my husband, I really do, but there’s always been something missing emotionally as I’ve often had really really intense female friendships - none have crossed the line like this but they would be so intense I would fall out with them easily as would be hurt by minor things etc.
Maybe I’ve been gay all along but how the F do I do this now, married with 2 children.
I feel heartbroken whatever way I go now.
Any advice please?

I remember those Shofeild posts. People on here were absolutely trashing him. Total double standards.

To be honest I think the fact that this other person is female is a red herring. You have let yourself fall in love with another person while you are already married. That's shit.

👏🏻

Spot on, absolutely no comparison

Like others have said, I think the question you need to try to figure out is whether you are actually gay or if you are bi.

If you are bi then I think the situation is pretty much the same as if another man had turned your head, albeit it will throw your sense of identity a bit if you've never considered this before.

If you are a lesbian then that is more of an issue and you might benefit from seeking real life advice and support. I know others have said to stay in the marriage for the sake of the children and I won't advise you what to do but, if you are actually a lesbian and not bi, there are a number of other issues you need to think of. If you have a marriage that still has a sexual or romantic element, that is something that is going to fundamentally change. I don't think you can put the genie back in the bottle once you realise that you aren't, and have never been, attracted to your husband. From his point of view, it will be a shock to look back on your marriage in a completely different way - when he thought you were both falling in love, having enjoyable sex etc - and those memories are all now changed. I know a number of lesbians who left marriages and I also knew one who stayed with her husband for the sake of the children - but she came out to him, he accepted that and they had a sexless, non-romantic but friendly partnership. She didn't pursue relationships with women because of her situation (I never asked whether he did) - and I'm not sure whether they told the children anything. There is also the question of whether your husband, once you've both had time to process all this, would want to stay with someone who can't love or feel attracted to him in the way he does to you. I'm afraid there are no easy answers in this kind of situation. 💐

Being disappointed in or traumatised by men doesn't turn you into a lesbian! This reminds me of when we used to get told that we were homosexuals because we'd been sexually abused or had a distant relationship with our father or too close relationship with our mother or whatever way round it was.

Some women choose to be febfems (female exclusive bisexuals) because of bad experiences with men but being a lesbian has nothing to do with men - We just aren't attracted to them. Generally, I find straight and bi women have a lot more problems with and dislike of men than most lesbians do!

I’ve often had really really intense female friendships - none have crossed the line like this but they would be so intense I would fall out with them easily as would be hurt by minor things etc.

This does not sound like a healthy basis for any relationship, tbh.

I couldn’t say it’s been passionate for a while though - more comfortable

Honestly, the whole thing sounds to me more as though you want the excitement, the intensity and the passion of a new relationship. Almost all relationships of any kind end up, hopefully, at the comfortable stage and that is a GOOD thing. Living in constant passion and intensity is exhausting and generally doesn’t build healthy long term relationships.

I suppose it’s good that you’ve told your DH before anything has actually happened, although I imagine he’s v. hurt.

I hope you can find happiness, OP, but be aware that now you’ve told your DH, he may, after having time to process it, decide to end your marriage.

I agree with this.

If you feel yourself developing feelings for someone else when in a relationship you need to leave your partner or drop out of the friendship

I disagree with those saying it's shit that you've allowed yourself to fall in love with another person. It's obviously shit for your marriage and for your husband, but it doesn't make you a Shit.

Not only did you break off contact with your friend but I fail to see the difference between falling in love with someone else and falling out of love with your DH or DP which is rarely criticised on MN. Very few, if any, on MN say you should honour and cherish your husband which are the promises many of us made on our Wedding Day. If he raises his voice or swears at you once, you should throw him out.

Once you are sure that you are prepared to sacrifice your marriage speak to your DH. You have fallen out of love for him, but telling him the truth is important. It might actually be easier for him to deal with you falling for a woman rather than another man. He can't compete with a woman, not because women are superior (although I might think that) but because he isn't one.

I don't usually believe in trial separations, but in your case I just might. You know so little about loving a woman and whether it will be rewarding for you. Whether or not that separation should involve sex is a tricky one. Whether the trial separation should be before telling your husband you have fallen for a woman is even trickier, but you'll work it out OP. Good luck.

I'm with @TheVolturi too. It was really shitty of you to let your relationship with your friend grow into an emotional affair. It doesn't happen overnight.

I think you should work on your marriage and continue to cut your friend out of your life. Of course the excitement of a new relationship is more alluring than a long term partner, especially during the early years of child rearing. You're very selfish for letting this get so far.

Head head!

I find it unbelievable that so many threads on here have posters shouting LTB and don’t stay in a loveless marriage! Yet the second you mention another woman then suddenly it’s not ok 🙄pretty shocking tbh!

So many women stay in marriages they are unhappy with for their children. The children always know.

Definitely take the time to work it out for all your sakes.

Hear hear not head head!

You have had some good advice here (if you ignore the judgemental posts).

I would just add that you need to separate out whether you are genuinely attracted to men or not.

It.is possible to have a relationship and a good sex life with a man but not actually be genuinely attracted to men as a gender, to enjoy sex based on enjoyable contact and emotions and habit, without the actual genuine sexual attraction. You can learn at a young age to act the attraction, and in the end you believe your own act.

If you look at a picture of a naked attractive man and one of a naked attractive woman....what are your responses? Do you flinch from one and feel drawn to the other? Or are drawn to both?

When you have figured out if you are a lesbian or bi....your decisions will be a lot clearer.

I don't think you should rush to be with this woman, maybe it was a wake up call but deciding your sexuality is a huge decision that takes time, don't upset the apple cart and change your husband and children's lives forever until you can be sure. He sounds like a good guy. Especially since you say there are some negatives with your friend.

The book Untamed by Glennon Doyle is very good.

Good luck!

Other people, including lesbians do not get to define your sexuality. This 'gold star lesbian' shit, or lesbians insisting if you ever have had sex with a man you are 'bisexual', is not a choice for them to make, or a judgement or decision. This is yours to make and yours only. Women have to deal with a lot of society's expectations and internalized homophobia, and we are expected to enjoy sex with men and not be surprised or upset when it leaves us cold. To suggest that women who have been abused are somehow second class lesbians, or 'man haters', and give them a label they may not want - female exclusive bisexuals, is actually offensive. If you want the label, fine, but other people should not stick their labels onto anyone who is not them!
I've been married. I've had sex with many men. I am still a lesbian, and I could not give a flying fuck what anyone else has to say about it. How I feel about my own sexuality matters. How they do, really doesn't. Any partners know I have been married to a man before, if they are not ok with it, they can walk away.
OP, I tried for years to be straight, mostly because I could not deal with family or other people's homophobia and judgement. Sex left me crying at best, and disgusted at worst. I just always wanted sex with men to be over fast. My first willing sexual experience was with another female and I fell in love with her deeply, because I am a lesbian and so was she, and we were very right for each other at the time.
You have the right to be happy. I know it is scary. Be happy, follow your heart. The children will understand. Good luck!

Good post

You are not unreasonable to feel like this, I really feel for you. My advice is to not focus on either relationship, but on yourself.

I was divorced when I realised I had deep feelings for an acquaintance I had met through work. I was blown away by this person being a woman. I did nothing and spent two months really adjusting to the idea I was very attracted to a woman, I felt my whole identity was tied up (possibly defined) by my sexual identity and it messed with my head! I then spent another few months deciding if I wanted to do anything about my attraction to THIS woman (I did and it’s wonderful btw).

I think you need to focus on you, that may mean taking time out from your marriage (you haven’t had chance to miss your husband yet). But ultimately, you deserve to be happy. You are not being reckless-you’ve already created distance between you and your friend, but you need some space to think.

Good luck!

I've not RTFT but you don't throw away your marriage for a fling. A marriage is comfortable and loving in a different way that is surely the point. No one stays in the honeymoon period forever

You are not listening Balanced12. If the OP is gay then it is not a 'fling' it is her sexuality, what will fulfill her is not her male husband. He simply cannot do that for her. Her male husband cannot do that for her. Terrible advice, and while perhaps fitting if she was attracted to male who was not her husband, does not work here.

Good luck OP. I hope that you and your family
find happiness.

@detroitMC5 Sorry for the experiences you have been through. A febfem (female exclusive bisexual) is something that women who are attracted to both sexes but choose to only date women call themselves (just as they would still be bi if they were dating a man or single). A woman who is only attracted to women is a lesbian (or gay, if you prefer) regardless of her sexual history.

Could you tell your DH and see if a variation on an open marriage would work?

The OP said that "He doesn’t want an open relationship, man or woman.
He wants this to go away." So I doubt any variation on an open relationship would work for him.

Perhaps it would be better if the OP walked away from her marriage. She's fairly certain that her feelings for her friend are love, not a crush/infatuation, so it's not fair to continue in the marriage. I know I'd be devastated if my DH declared that he was in love with anyone else, regardless of gender.

Having crushes or fancying someone else is different and perfectly normal (IMHO) in a long-term relationship. You still feel attracted to other people, but you know it's not love, IYSWIM.