AIBU to be terrified I am gay when I am married with DC?

[Scaredbeyondbelief123]

As my username says really -
Im petrified
Ive fallen head over heels in love with a close friend
Neither of us have been with a woman before
We cut all contact as soon as we realised how we felt, nothing physical happened of course as we are both married.
3 months later and I’m so upset without her, it’s like I can’t function.
Shes messaged me today saying she has decided to end her marriage, he is leaving next month, no expectations but she wanted me to be aware of the situation.
My children are younger than hers and would be devastated if me and their dad split.
I love my husband, I really do, but there’s always been something missing emotionally as I’ve often had really really intense female friendships - none have crossed the line like this but they would be so intense I would fall out with them easily as would be hurt by minor things etc.
Maybe I’ve been gay all along but how the F do I do this now, married with 2 children.
I feel heartbroken whatever way I go now.
Any advice please?

Well you married your husband for a reason didn't you? That reason still exists so don't throw it away over these sudden intense feelings that may not last.

Blimey, how quick did you get the counselling?

One aspect of limerence is that it makes someone more attractive the less feasible it is to ‘have’ them. All the above posts seem pretty helpful but just wanted to add that, although I’m really sorry it doesn’t much improve your predicament.

@worraliberty

I’d imagine the op lives in an area where access to NHS services is quick or she paid for counselling herself. Lots of people do access private healthcare

Not really hard to figure out that some people get help outside the NHS either really 🤷‍♀️

Well quite @lameasahorse, but OP doesn't seem to be complaining about the husband here.

I fell in love with my work colleague. We were work colleagues for 10 years. We did lots together outside work as my then husband wouldn't do anything with me, like go to the theatre, attend weddings so I'd take her with me.
We've been together for 9 years. Married for 7. Known each other for 20. I love her more than I've ever loved anyone. We are incredibly happy and our relationship is solid. It's the scariest, but by far the best decision I ever made. I thought about it for about a year before I did anything about it but had feelings for her long before that.

He's very calm and stable and I’m very emotional so it has worked

Other posters have given you great advice on unpacking your feelings, but just wanted to say that this jumped out at me. Being very emotional gives you intense highs and lows, but it can be draining in a relationship - so perhaps consider what it would really be like with her aside from the physical passion. Are you both very emotional, would it be a rollercoaster of fights and reconciliations? Would you prefer that over a calmer relationship?

Re. Emotional connections. I've never experienced what you're going through with another woman, but I'm emotionally close to my best female friends in a way that I'm not with DH. I can tell them almost anything about my feelings, whereas he doesn't always understand. I actually don't mind this, I feel that I can't expect DH and I to connect on every level, IYSWIM. I don't always completely "get" him either, but I still love him and am sexually attracted to men, not women.

Men aren’t as emotional in general and are on a different emotional wavelength to women so it’s hardly unusual you would find more emotional friendships with other women. Most women are more emotional and connected emotionally to their female friends in ways they aren’t with men, that’s not unusual or proof of being gay.

Honestly I don’t understand how you can go through life not knowing if your gay or not. If you have been attracted to Men sexually you are not gay. Maybe you swing both ways but I have to say this is really going to screw up your kids if it happens.

@Scaredbeyondbelief123

him - safety and the family unit
her - the emotional connection I’ve never had with a man

Yeah there’s a lot to be said for the first and given you’ve talked about being less calm than him and this other woman being the same, have you actually though what a relationship with her especially after breaking up the family would be like? Yes it would be emotional - in a bad way.

I have some experience in this..what I will say is leaving one person for another puts a massive strain and pressure on that new relationship, especially with children involved, your friend is ending her marriage with the knowledge you might not be there for her and I would urge you to do the same thing.
What I mean is would you be thinking of ending your marriage if you knew she wouldn't or might not be there?
You've done the right thing by getting counselling, sometimes not talking about this stuff just intensifies these feelings but it's obviously not changed your feelings I have been there and it's hell I know.
What support do you have around you ?
Do you have friends or family that you can talk to?

Tough one, I'm a big believer in you can leave a relationship for any reason, relationships don't have to be for life, etc, etc. But in your case, your marriage sounds quite OK. Marriage isn't about being with "the one" person that makes you perfectly happy, it's about being with one of many millions of people that you can get along ok with. Whether the other people that you could be with instead are the opposite sex, same sex or both, doesn't matter really.

You can't get everything from one person. I get different things from my DH and my friends, in fact I get different things from each friend. And different things again from parents, siblings, etc.

It's not everyone's cup of tea but would you consider asking your husband about an open marriage/ethical non monogamy?

@LimeSegment

Shebwould be better off just having an affair. Do you realise people in the real world will hear “ethical non monogamy” and first laugh and ask what the hell is that, then second say wtf? Or course not!

Suggesting open marriages is a purely online thing pushed by people in that lifestyle or loopy social media psychologists. It’s not a realistic solution for 99.999 of couples

@Scaredbeyondbelief123 sexuality can be quite fluid; it's not as rigid as people think. Not everyone fits into a category their whole life. Love can be very dependent on who you meet. I have several friends who fell in love with a particular person and it was the first time they'd been with someone of that sex. Be gentle with yourself. No easy answers.

Could this be a crush that just happens to be on a woman rather than another man?

Crushes can be incredibly intense but shouldn't be the basis of major decisions.

Would you be thinking of ending your marriage if you suddenly developed strong feelings for another man? Or would you see if it passed, like most crushes do?

Are you always such a massive twat?

This.

@GayParis
I can't work out if there's lots of twats on here or it's the same twat just changing their username.

@LanaGardner probably the same homophobic twat changing their username!

Just to answer a few questions
I had private counselling at the beginning of the 3 months we decided to cut contact
I was hoping it would give me clarity - all it made me realise is that I completely love both of them.
I have told my husband last night, I couldn’t stop crying.
He doesn’t want an open relationship, man or woman.
He wants this to go away.
I have to say I don’t think it’s an infatuation, we’ve been friends for many many years, there are actually quite a few things that drive me crazy ( in a bad way ) about her and I can see those clearly.
If im honest, I am sexually attracted to women far more than men in later years but it didn’t matter as I didn’t know anyone I had a connection with of any sort - until her

It's good you talked to him you couldn't go on like that.
Does sound like this is the real thing.
I honestly hope you get through the next bit ok (all of you) whatever you choose to do.

Are you sexually attracted to her though? I.e do you feel aroused by her in a way you never felt with DH? Or is it just an intense emotional connection? Have you ever watched lesbian porn or the like?

I think the real issue here is whether you're attracted and in love with DH still? Because ignoring the friend's sex - seems you have the standard issue of feeling unfulfilled in your marriage and someone else providing the excitement you crave. There will be plenty of people who offer this of course but it's for you to decide if it's something you can work through with DH or you're too far along. Intense female friendships don't mean you're gay, or even bi, a lot of women have these. Sexual attraction is really the decider. Because if you do fancy this woman in a more physical way, then you need to decide if you're gay or bi. If you're bi you could still choose to work on your marriage. If you're gay, then you need to leave him as the difference in your needs is too much.

I don't know how you assess the spectrum you're on but I'm sure more specialised resources could help? Someone mentioned researching late life lesbianism and this may be useful. I know a lot of women who only realised this much later in life. A lot of them though were so disappointed or traumatised by men that it came naturally. So you'll need to figure out what it is about her other than the emotional intensity (which you could even find in a male loved) that makes you think it's love. Then you can work your way back from there. Good luck!

im honest, I am sexually attracted to women far more than men in later years but it didn’t matter as I didn’t know anyone I had a connection with of any sort - until her

Just seen your update. Then leaving marriage is right thing to do and good you spoke to DH. But it's good you can realise this now and it means even if things don't work out with friend, you know that a woman is where you will ultimately find fulfilment.