AIBU to be terrified I am gay when I am married with DC?

[Scaredbeyondbelief123]

As my username says really -
Im petrified
Ive fallen head over heels in love with a close friend
Neither of us have been with a woman before
We cut all contact as soon as we realised how we felt, nothing physical happened of course as we are both married.
3 months later and I’m so upset without her, it’s like I can’t function.
Shes messaged me today saying she has decided to end her marriage, he is leaving next month, no expectations but she wanted me to be aware of the situation.
My children are younger than hers and would be devastated if me and their dad split.
I love my husband, I really do, but there’s always been something missing emotionally as I’ve often had really really intense female friendships - none have crossed the line like this but they would be so intense I would fall out with them easily as would be hurt by minor things etc.
Maybe I’ve been gay all along but how the F do I do this now, married with 2 children.
I feel heartbroken whatever way I go now.
Any advice please?

This sounds like such a difficult situation for you. Apprently, during/since Covid there has been a big rise in women in similar situations OP. If you search for “late in life lesbian” or “late bloomer lesbian” there are a lot of resources. You could search for the lesbian master doc which might help you work through some things. Could you afford to have some private counselling to help you work through things? How are things with your DH generally?

I think men just ARE less emotional though generally speaking. I can understand that a woman-woman relationship could be more intense and they would be more relateable but this sounds like a passionate fleeting thing and its not fair on your husband and kids to act on it. I think its best you just stop seeing this lady and concentrate on your family.

Hopefully someone will come along who might have had a similar experience OP. Whatever you do, don't string your husband along for years if you aren't happy ie yearning for something else. 💐

Things have plodded along
Hes very calm and stable and I’m very emotional so it has worked
I couldn’t say it’s been passionate for a while though - more comfortable
I watch him with our children and fall in love with him
I watch her across the room and fall in love with her for no reason
it’s the weirdest feeling that I can’t explain
I have had no contact for months up until today - I haven’t coped well with no contact, but I thought I was doing the best thing by our marriages and the children involved.

I don’t feel it would be brave to say I’m gay
If you read my post and my username you will see that so I’m not sure what you’re referring to

@whynotwhatknot
What on earth are you on about?

@whynotwhatknot please stop the blatant homophobia the op is clearly in pain. Also it’s ok for someone to leave a marriage for any other reason but if they’re gay suddenly it’s not ok? 🙄

life is short Op I really hope you can work through this. Have you got someone you can see (therapy wise) just to talk through your feelings so YOU can work out what you want to do .

@whynotwhatknot
i don’t thinks that’s true? Philip Schofield got huge amounts of sympathy.

I don’t think anyone with any humanity would want a person to stay in a marriage/relationship after realising/admitting/developing/however you want to phrase it different feelings towards their sexuality or actually just no longer wanting to be in a relationship for any reason.

I also don’t think anyone would argue against the idea of you want to be with a different person/type of person you split up first

I couldn’t say it’s been passionate for a while though - more comfortable

Do you think this could be where this has come from? Losing the passion - finding it elsewhere, finding a new relationship exciting?

I guess the question is do you love your DH? If you do, personally I'd try to work on your marriage.

Why us it ok for you to just decide your gay

when men do it they get rightly bollocked but a woman its oh dear must be so hard for you

That's a horrible post. The OP has not 'decided' anything, she has felt something.

People have sympathy for people who are going through a hard time. People have less sympathy for those who have known all along that they are gay, but married someone of the opposite sex and effectively used them to try and give the outward appearance of being straight. That is not what the OP has done.

OP I do not think it is so simple as concluding you are not supposed to be married to your DH and that you should ditch your marriage to be with this woman or any woman. I think many of us are on a flexible sliding scale in that we can love someone of either sex. But there are other considerations such as loyalty and doing the right thing by one’s spouse and children.

I had a similar experience to you many years ago in that I developed strong feelings for a woman, which were reciprocated. We were both single and free to act on our feelings. But it would have been complicated and we both knew it, so we did not act on it. Both of us are now happily married to our husbands, whom we love.

It is ok to feel love for someone and not to act on it in terms of pursuing a relationship with them.

I’ve actually had 6 weeks of counselling and it didn’t help anything
she said that I loved them both in different ways and would in fact probably never be happy without either of them for their own reasons of what they offer me
him - safety and my family unit
her - the emotional connection I’ve never had with a man

I know you may be in pain over this at the moment, OP, but how well do you really know this woman? Many relationships, be they straight, gay or anything else, start out as passionate physical attraction and perceived emotional compatibility but fizzle out when it comes to actually putting something practical together. In this case you could be risking losing what has worked for you for a long time and ending up with nothing. All I’m saying is think very carefully before you do anything drastic.

I see this as two separate issues, so I’ll separate my reply accordingly. 1) You have fallen in love with a close friend whilst married, and 2) you feel as though you might be gay.

1. I’m a bit concerned that the emotional intensity that you’re describing won’t necessarily translate to a viable relationship that brings you long-term happiness. It sounds as if you’re craving intensity, but that doesn’t equate to it being good for you - you have said yourself that your husband’s calm nature is complimentary to your emotionally driven nature. Are you sure that you’re not just infatuated with the passionate idea and fantasy of your friend or do you truly see a viable future with her as her maybe bring your wife one day? Surely a lower bar than that is not worth tanking your marriage for?

2. I don’t think developing a romantic attraction for someone of the same sex necessarily equates to being gay, and nor does having emotionally intense female friendships - if you’re an emotionally intense person, surely that’s what makes the incidence of these types of friendships more likely, rather than being gay?

You’ve not really unpacked the elephant in the room here, which is whether you’re sexually attracted to your husband/men in general and why you did not have sex with a woman prior to your marriage with a man? I think going into this will help posters to give you advice, as right now there are a lot of question marks around where you are at sexually.

Hope this was helpful.

@whynotwhatknot you contradict yourself. Who cares what gender?
OP that's to you too. Y

This happened to me too op. I loved her so very much. It’s been one of the toughest things to deal with as I know no one in real life would ever understand. Our relationship is now over though and I’ve been left devastated by it.

I hope you’re ok, op.

I don't think it's so much an issue of how you feel towards this woman so much as how you feel towards your DH. How would you deal with this situation if it was a man you had strong feelings about? Discovering you can have feelings for a woman doesn't in itself mean you can't also find your DH attractive - so the question you need to answer first is how you feel about him and your marriage.

Sorry didn't mean to post I meant to say to OP you are after all having an EA.
Or is it because you're bi curious or fancy her or because you are actually in love with her? You say you love your DH. You're stepping on dangerous ground.

Have you talked to your husband about how you feel? This is a left-field suggestion but I wonder how you would all feel about non-monogamy? I wonder if your DH might feel less jealous bc the other person is a woman and he might be able to understand that your connection with/attraction to a woman is so different to your connection with him, and doesn’t have to be a threat. I don’t know — you’re in such a hard situation and I really feel for you. I know this suggestion might not work for you at all but I just thought I would voice it just in case. Huge sympathy whatever you decide to do.

OP limerence v love
which do you think apply to each?

a) What if you're bi-sexual and b) what would you think / do if this was a male friend you had developed feelings for.

it’s the weirdest feeling that I can’t explain

Maybe you don’t fit neatly into a box? Not everyone does. It doesn’t have to be one or the other you could be bi? What are your sexual feelings in relation to men/ women?