I'm jealous of people who get inheritances

[Barnabee]

Yeah I know you'll all pile on telling me I should expect nothing. But some people have lovely families who want to pass something forwards to help their children. I'll never have that.

We nearly all go through the pain of losing loved ones. Being unable to even visit often when they’re ill and dying, because of the cost of travel, or taking time off work, is hard. Getting into debt for a funeral is tough for those already struggling.

Money doesn’t remove or lessen the grief, but it makes other parts of life easier to cope with. I don’t see what could possibly be offensive about holding that view.

The inheritance my dad left isn't currently making my life easier (granted this may or may not change) He didn't support my family financially when he was alive. He didnt need to and he was proud of me for that. Yes I understand that having the assets he left me on paper makes me wealthier than I was prior to his passing but in the midst of my grief that does not compute. He worked very hard and if he had decided to spend it all and leave us nothing I would have been completely fine with that. It was ultimately his to spend. I contributed nothing to him being able to build up his assets.

I am able to support myself and my family because of how hard he worked. He inherited nothing from his parents and he figured it out. His example to us his kids is that hard work (and luck) can change the tide of a persons life. If it happened for him it can happen for anyone. His obligation to me ended in my opinion after I graduated university which he fully funded and started work. I owe alot to him. Inheritance doesn't even touch it and is not a factor to me. I can obviously only see from my personal point of view which will be different to others (but it is still a view) and as my dad died 2 months ago everything is raw.

I had a small inheritance a couple of years ago. I would give back every penny to have both my parents alive again and able to meet my children. To not have the crushing feeling of responsibility that no longer having living parents brings. I’m 35 and had to learn how to be a mother without my own there. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

I understand.

I think we have two choices once we've given adequate time and expression to our feelings...either work out if there's something we can do to improve our own circumstances, or change our perception.

Apologies that's not what I was implying at all but i see it was phrased badly. What I was trying to say no amount of money takes away what you have lost. I didn't get any inheritance when my mam died and it wouldnt have changed the grief or what the loss means for my life. I understand though that people are coming from a variety of backgrounds and some people need the money to pay the bills and survive. I just mean in a general sense inheritance is nothing to look forward to.

Absolutely. This trite 'we'd rather have our loved-ones back' is a way people who've inherited pretend shut down those who haven't and who are drawing attention to the fundamental unfairness. Why should some people get the prizes — in many cases lots of prizes — for just existing?

Inheritance is one of the main structures that keeps society divided and the rich rich (and getting richer) and ordinary people, let alone the poor, down. A bequest in a will can mean a deposit on a house that would otherwise be impossible to buy: a degree or qualification that will enable you to enter a better-paid career, or whatever, and possibly a major shift in the fortunes of coming generations.

If I were to suggest that we need to limit the amount that anyone can inherit and use the rest to make the lives of ordinary people richer, there'd be an outcry on here from the 'money can't compensate for losing someone you love' brigade. Because they know how important money is.

The only inheritance I got is £500 from my Grandma. Long story but my auntie, who had power of attorney, is suspected or coercing her into changing it when she started to lose her cognitive function (no dementia diagnosis) My two brothers and I got tiny inheritances whereas we’d always been told we were getting £15k. My dad got zilch, another auntie for £35k and the suspected coercer and her kids got close to a million. We had no concrete proof through. Anyway, I’m sue nothing else but DH is due three. One person, he never sees, one is his mum (and will be devastated when she goes) and one is his gran who he has a mixed relationship with.

In a lot of cases, most people would rather have the person but not all.

I’m interested in the posts saying, “I’d sooner still have my granny than have the money”. One post upthread said, “I’d prefer to have my grandparents with me forever to an inheritance”.

Let’s take that to its logical conclusion, shall we? Old people die. That’s what happens: we are all mortal. Let’s say that you do your hypothetical swap of inheritance for your your octagenarian grandparents, bringing them back in exchange for forfeiting the inheritance. That is the logical conclusion of your ‘either/or’ argument.

How long would you keep them alive for? For as long as it suits you? Granny and grandpa can keep on getting older and older, like Galapagos tortoises but with a lower quality of life, so that you can posture around saying, “my family mean so much to me that I’d sooner have them than the money!”. Assuming that you don’t want to sentence them to eternal life, like Highlander, when would you choose to kill them off?

It’s a ludicrous proposition.

👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻

full marks for the Galapagos tortoise simile by the way!

But why shouldn’t their house be sold for care, although I appreciate it’s upsetting/annoying?

Hope you don’t expect visits or any family assistance in your old age. After all you would see it as sniffing around the inheritance… wouldn’t you?

Well I have to be honest, I hated my MIL when she was alive, much happier to have the inheritance than her tbh.

This is very true. I have a grandparent still alive, she’s 90 and doing well. But of course I don’t want her to live forever, that would be crazy. My 2 paternal grandparents would be over 100 if they were still alive now, doubt they’d be having a fantastic quality of life!
People die. They either die leaving money, or they die without leaving money. There is no alternate reality in which people have their loved ones around them forever.

Your post made me chuckle, you sound like my MIL!

Her MIL is still going, 96 and still going strong, always been a nasty woman. My MIL says she’s doesn’t want her bloody money (when FIL doesn’t do exactly as she says, she tells him to drive him to her solicitor so she can change her will to leave to a cat charity, he always said “get in the car then, we’ll do it now, I don’t want your money” and that shuts her up).

My MIL said she’d gladly pay the Devil the equivalent of the inheritance she holds over them to come and take her early.

I think what people who have suffered traumatic first-degree loss (by this I mean parents/spouses/siblings) hate being told if they’ve inherited money from that loss is that they are lucky. I inherited money when my Dad died very traumatically when I was 21. That money enabled me to do things I wouldn’t have done otherwise, like buying a house, and I was told often how “lucky” I was. But my Dad dying changed my life irrevocably - it very nearly ruined it completely and it’s only a lot of therapy and incredibly hard work that meant I was able to rebuild after tragedy. In a lot of ways it did ruin my life - took away the career I trained
for and left me with horrendous health anxiety that is life-limiting and very difficult for my loved ones. I may never have children because of the aftermath of his death.

whilst I can accept my inheritance made my life a lot easier in some ways and made the death admin easier to cope with, I cannot ever accept being told I am lucky in some way, and I’ll always dispute it. It’s a gross thing to say to anyone who has been through grief and trauma - like saying to a woman who has lost a pregnancy that she’s “lucky” she can get pregnant. No.

While being an awful word to use, the ‘luck’ refers to the fact that there was money left, not the loss of the relative. Many many people (me included) suffer horrific first-degree loss and there is no money left. Which means that while you’re dealing with the awful trauma of losing your loved one, you’re also having to scrape the money together to pay for a basic funeral, for example.
Noone is ‘lucky’ to lose a loved one. Everyone loses loved ones, whether there is an inheritance or not.

This^
I was 32 when my mum died and at every milestone I wish I could ring her up to tell her about my DC achievements.
In fact I wish I could ring her to tell her when Tescos have special offers on.
I miss the little things, no amount of money can replace that.

👍 completely agree.

This doesn’t exclude the fact that sensible financial planning as an extended family unit is really worthwhile if you’re lucky enough to have good relations and wealth.

But he can’t have his dad back. So would he rather take the 300k or not?

Forgoing inheritance doesn’t make your relative immortal

fucks sake

The thread is stuck in this never-ending loop, it's an interesting test of logic!

That’s exactly what I’m saying!

We have all made a best effort to make sure as much of the family wealth stays out of the hands of a profligate government.

I’d rather have my dad and not have the wealth, but I and he would both have rather we as a family keep his assets.

This.

I’d rather be poor for the rest of my life than ever have to face losing my mother.

As someone who has lost both parents, I don't find that offensive at all, and the inheritance did somewhat soften the blow, as in I know my parents would have been happy to know they have continued to help us even after their deaths.

I'm going against the brain here and saying OP is entirely reasonable. Of course being envious of suddenly having a chunk of money is something to want yourself. It matters not how much you loved the one who left it to you. I have been fortunate enough to have a reasonably large inheritance from my parents. Of course I didn't want them to die. But their sensible financial planning has benefited me, as mine will my children one day (I hope). I know I'm fortunate and OP understandably would like the same for herself and her family.

Well grain, obviously