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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm jealous of people who get inheritances

496 replies

Barnabee · 15/05/2022 20:42

Yeah I know you'll all pile on telling me I should expect nothing. But some people have lovely families who want to pass something forwards to help their children. I'll never have that.

OP posts:
NamechangeFML · 15/05/2022 23:23

This thread is cracking me up !

theres NO bargaining?
whys everyone saying " id rather i had mum/dad/gran than money"?

fucking OBVIOUSLY ,
but when my own DM dies, not only will be grieving, ill also be £5k in debt immediately, never mind any inheritance? with a young family who are going to have to go without in order to pay for everything.

this is not a hard concept to grasp.
Jeeeeeez ....

NC10012 · 15/05/2022 23:23

Also to add - I've never been bothered about receiving any kind of inheritance money. I really don't think about it. But I have noticed family members change around my grandparents knowing they'll receive something when they pass. I imagine I won't. But it doesn't change my relationship with them. It's interesting how it can change some people.

Tagliatellme · 15/05/2022 23:27

123ROLO · 15/05/2022 23:14

Ok. Ask those who fall into that category whether they want the money or not, they'll say yes. it's not as if saying no will bring them back.

Those who are 'just getting by', now may be able to provide their children with deposits for a house, or they may be able to pay their mortgage off a few years earlier than planned. It won't soften the blow of greif itself, but it will soften the blow of dealing with life around the grief.

Show quote history

The point is you said an inheritance will soften the blow. This is what you said:

'The only scenario where it might not soften the blow is if you are already very wealthy, and if the money is that meaningless to you then no one is making you keep it'

Can you not see how offensive that is?

Organictangerine · 15/05/2022 23:28

I’m going to get flamed for this but yes I do care about inheritance. My parents are both highly abusive (think allowing their partners and their partners kids to abuse me, but sweeping it under the rug to keep the peace).

so when my dad offered me a huge chunk of money I took it. I have been through enough without having to worry about affording a roof over my head, which I would without the money. It’s compensation really, and I feel I deserve every penny.

WrongWayApricot · 15/05/2022 23:29

I didn't know us that didn't get an inheritance can have their family brought back from the dead instead. Nice one. Can have a nice catch up with my dad now, a lot has happened since I was 7.

To answer OP. I'm not envious of people that have an inheritance. But I have a very loving family that have always supported and loved me. I think it would be natural to feel envious of an inheritance if you haven't had that either. It's already horrible to have had to go through the world without support and love. But then to realise that even when their parents are dead, there are people still being supported and loved by inheritance. It can be a painful truth.

Robinni · 15/05/2022 23:30

@Barnabee I think you’re viewing the world with very rose tinted glasses/the grass is always greener.

The very fact you said “lovely families” leaving inheritance…. Perhaps so on TV.

Most families I know have their share of drama and stress, and this is much more so in those where inheritance is involved - it brings out the worst in people.

Very often inheritance is linked to obligation - to fulfil certain objectives in life or to care for said person in their latter years in some capacity. None of that is particularly fun and often inheritance can go on care fees too.

You are free - from squabbling siblings and a mountain of responsibility.

Please don’t let your past determine your future. You have the chance to build a “lovely family” yourself and fill it with love which is worth so much more than money.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 15/05/2022 23:31

fucking OBVIOUSLY ,
but when my own DM dies, not only will be grieving, ill also be £5k in debt immediately, never mind any inheritance? with a young family who are going to have to go without in order to pay for everything.

Can you take out over 50's life insurance.

We're all dealt a different hand, Others who never had a family might think at least you have a DM or their DM left them with 50,000 debt.

If you went around watching everything we'd never be happy.

OP I'm sorry your earlier years were spent in care, that's very sad.

I really hope life improves for you financially and securely.

Orangesox · 15/05/2022 23:39

YANBU.

I say that as someone who lost their mum earlier this year. I’m early 30’s, my mum was working age and it was sudden and unexpected. It’s been absolute hell, it would’ve been much worse if there hasn’t been money to pay for the funeral and other costs. Yes it’s a bit crass when people say “oh aren’t you lucky that there was money to inherit”, but they aren’t wrong in any way, shape or form, I am incredibly lucky that there was some money there to make some of the particularly shite bits a bit easier to deal with or for me to pay someone to deal with.

123ROLO · 15/05/2022 23:39

Tagliatellme · 15/05/2022 23:27

The point is you said an inheritance will soften the blow. This is what you said:

'The only scenario where it might not soften the blow is if you are already very wealthy, and if the money is that meaningless to you then no one is making you keep it'

Can you not see how offensive that is?

Show quote history

No it's not offensive.

Dealing with grief is hard.

Money makes life easier, that's a fact. It enables time off work, privately funded therapy, it pays for peace of mind that you've got a roof over your head, food in your fridge. Knowing your children can get on the housing ladder.

It isn't crude or offensive to acknowledge that having money is better than not having money.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 15/05/2022 23:41

@Hamsternautss I'm really sorry for the recent loss of your Dad. 💐
My condolences to all the pp's who mentioned the sad loss of a loved one.

Robinni · 15/05/2022 23:42

Genevieva · 15/05/2022 23:13

My parents' inheritance experience is probably fairly typical: My mother was caring for her husband and her mother in law. Grandmother in her 90s ends up in expensive care home after a fall that fractured her hip and caused her to lose the ability to walk. Power of attorney needs to be invoked to access her bank account to pay for her care (ditto to sell house etc). This is a headache. By this point my parents are in their 70s, my dad who has the power of attorney is mental switched on, but arthritis and early Parkinson's mean that within a year of finally getting the bank to agree to him signing his mother's cheques, they refuse to recognise his signature. Another nightmare ensues. My parents' retirement was taken up by daily visits to my grandmother and endless admin associated with paying for her care. When a person dies their accounts are frozen, so money for their last care home bill etc cannot be accessed until after probate. This took over a year, so my parents had to pay my grandmother's bills upfront from their own savings and wait for probate before they could get the money back. There were all sorts of fees, hours and hours of work for what seemed like an interminable amount of time. I really thought my father wouldn't live to see the end of it. By the time he finally received a modest inheritance, he was too broken and unwell to be able to do anything with it.

This 100%…. Exhausting.

NamechangeFML · 15/05/2022 23:44

@EmeraldShamrock1 yes this is true , but theres also those who had a mum/dad AND will be left money. Assume this is the point of OP

thinking about opening an account and saving for her funeral tbh.. but again, id rather be saving for my own DC future ( see pp, we are buying a home so DC dont have this in the future , hopefully)

minuette1 · 15/05/2022 23:46

DH and I have lost all of our parents now, and inherited enough to skip a few steps of the housing ladder. We also have friends who have lost both parents and didn't inherit a penny. So I do consider us lucky, and yes of course we'd rather have our parents and would have loved our DC to have grandparents but we all have to lose our parents eventually and if there is an inheritance then whoever gets it is of course fortunate compared to those whose parents had nothing to pass on when they died.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 15/05/2022 23:51

^yes this is true , but theres also those who had a mum/dad AND will be left money. Assume this is the point of OP^
I'm not sure as I assumed OP didn’t have a mum/dad in her life for whatever reason, I think when you've neither and no financial support that is hurting OP.

^thinking about opening an account and saving for her funeral tbh.. but again, id rather be saving for my own DC future ( see pp, we are buying a home so DC dont have this in the future , hopefully)^
Don't overly worry about the expenses it doesn't have to be huge.
My OH's parents are in a similar situation they live in the UK no life insurance, I've asked him countless times to enquire about an over 50's plan, when it happens we won't have 1000's any spare money is planned for the DC future.

Too late for us, may as well help them. 😅

Iamnotokifyouarenotok · 15/05/2022 23:52

Hi OP I do agree. My parents both died suddenly…absolutely heartbreaking and surreal!! I inherited a lot of money and it does make a difference…my mum who died last would have been really pissed off if our inheritance had been spent on care !

lameasahorse · 15/05/2022 23:52

This reply has been withdrawn

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BlueKaftan · 15/05/2022 23:58

I was taught to not be jealous of others, that it was morally wrong, and yet everyday on MN there are multiple threads about jealousy.

AngeloMysterioso · 16/05/2022 00:00

PeachPizza · 15/05/2022 21:49

I've got £500k but had to watch my parent die 30 years too young.

Can you guess what my preference would be?

I lost my Dad when I was 29 after a hideous cancer battle. He didn’t see me get married or become a mother.

I inherited nothing.

I lost my Mum very suddenly a few months ago- I’m now 36, with a toddler and a baby who at the time was 2 months old- and not only am I again inheriting nothing but between paying for her cremation, a modest memorial service and wake and countless tanks of petrol and trips to clear her home (£5 on the Dartford crossing each time too) her death will have cost me quite a lot of money.

So, we’ve both had to watch someone we love die, but one of us is half a million pounds richer and the other is several thousand pounds poorer.

Can you guess what my preference would be?

Robinni · 16/05/2022 00:00

Condolences to everyone drawn to this thread that has lost someone 💐 totally sucks, and very sad 😔

gumball37 · 16/05/2022 00:07

I'm jealous of people who still have their mother.

Organictangerine · 16/05/2022 00:10

gumball37 · 16/05/2022 00:07

I'm jealous of people who still have their mother.

I still have mine.

we haven’t spoken in 5+ years

She’s caused me serious emotional damage that I can never come back from

if she passes I won’t even have nice memories or her or console myself with the fact she loved me

Grapewrath · 16/05/2022 00:15

Yanbu
i had a horrible upbringing and it impacted my life chances- I never had the chance to go to uni at 18 because I was homeless at 16 and trying to pay rent. As a result everything has taken so much longer and my career has suffered due to my trauma and problems with self esteem.
I can’t afford to buy a house and despite being able to, my parents decided not to bother helping me in any way.
My mum and step dad both have shocking lifestyles and are likely to need care going forward.
I hear you OP. It’s hard it to be sad and resentful- some people will never understand

Tagliatellme · 16/05/2022 00:15

It isn't crude or offensive to acknowledge that having money is better than not having money.

But you specifically said it softens the blow in relation to the death of a loved one.

I find that offensive.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 16/05/2022 00:17

@AngeloMysterioso That is really tough, very real heartbreaking post. 💐

This thread is a lesson to those of us who don't have much money to remind ourselves that someone will be paying for our exit.

A saving of £5 monthly funeral fund minimum is very important depending on your age.

LizzieW1969 · 16/05/2022 00:17

IrisVersicolor · 15/05/2022 21:55

As the OP grew up in Care, I think she is still perfectly within her rights to feel that those who had parents for some point of their life that presumably cared for them enough to leave an inheritance are pretty bloody lucky.

Leaving an inheritance is f all to do with how much your parents care for you. In many cases it’s down to fluke of circumstance.

This is true. My DSis and I received an inheritance in my 20s from my F, who sexually abused us.

I was left with money, which I was able to use to get on the property ladder, but he also left me with a lifetime suffering from complex PTSD induced flashbacks. (He also never faced justice.)

It really doesn’t follow that receiving an inheritance means that you had a happy childhood with loving parents. It didn’t for me. But I accept that my life is still a good deal easier than that of another person who went through the abuse I did but didn’t receive an inheritance.