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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If your husband cheated would you/have you stayed?

107 replies

MsDynamite · 14/05/2022 08:15

DH of 17 years has been having an affair since July time. I’ve spoken to a lot of people as it’s not my shame to carry but it seems lots have got through it or gone through similar. Just looking for answers in the yes/no form. For context I found out in September about the July affair and we agreed to work past, and he went back to her in December without my knowledge again. I’ve just recently found out again.

OP posts:
Original poster
MsDynamite · 14/05/2022 08:16

oh also you are being unreasonable would be yes I would and not unreasonable would be no.

OP posts:
Niceshotdoc · 14/05/2022 08:16

Nope.

Bananarama21 · 14/05/2022 08:17

Hes making a mug out of you leave

MintJulia · 14/05/2022 08:17

So he's done it twice which tells you that he isn't sorry, doesn't regret it and can never be trusted.

I think you already know what you need to do.

minipie · 14/05/2022 08:17

No, and certainly not if he’d carried on after I found out.

MintJulia · 14/05/2022 08:17

Sorry. It's horrible.

Blanketpolicy · 14/05/2022 08:18

I think most peoples starting point will be no.

Until it happens to them and they may have their own reasons to stay/try again.

EVHead · 14/05/2022 08:18

Not a chance. He’s not going to stop. You deserve better. The Relationships board is a good place for advice: you’ll get support and practical help there.

So sorry he’s done this. 😞

KangarooKenny · 14/05/2022 08:20

Absolutely no. He would have been gone after the first one.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 14/05/2022 08:21

The first time - maybe. The second time - not a chance in hell.

sjxoxo · 14/05/2022 08:21

I think it depends on you both & your relationship. If the will to repair the damage is there from both sides, and you possess the right personalities for the healing process whatever that looks like in your case; i think it is possible. I often think staying after an extreme betrayal is the much harder option. I also think if you do overcome a betrayal of trust and repair the relationship, it can lead to very positive change. Very very hard but not impossible and requires deep work on both sides. There is a good podcast series called Heal from Infidelity.

Xox

Original poster
MsDynamite · 14/05/2022 08:21

Yeah. We have already sold our house as she was here whilst I was away with the kids, and it feels tainted and new mortgage is fully in my name. He has nothing left, I spoke to OW directly as her number was on his iPad, so everyone knows. But he seems truly sorry and we have 2 young children 11 and 8 and I just want them to have the life they once had.

OP posts:
Girlintheframe · 14/05/2022 08:22

After the 1st time I think I would possibly try to work past it but after the 2nd definitely not. It's peoples actions that count not what they say

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 14/05/2022 08:23

Not a chance. Taking him back is giving him permission to fuck whoever he wants, whenever he wants.

Original poster
MsDynamite · 14/05/2022 08:23

Blanketpolicy · 14/05/2022 08:18

I think most peoples starting point will be no.

Until it happens to them and they may have their own reasons to stay/try again.

Yep. I’ve always been of the mindset of no and seeing other people stay, I’ve always thought no way would I ever do that but I just don’t know what to do now.

OP posts:
ILoveAnOwl · 14/05/2022 08:23

I tried to stay and make it work, but honestly I could never forgive him. My resentment of him grew and grew and in the end I left. Being divorced and single with two small children is hard, but the peace I have without him is 100% worth it.

Strugglingtodomybest · 14/05/2022 08:23

Because I have never been in this position, it's hard to say for certain how I'd react. But I can say for certain that if I discovered he'd gone back to her in December then that would definitely be me out of there. That's just taking the piss.

ProseccoStorm · 14/05/2022 08:23

I stayed.

It was a short term affair.

He knows categorically I would walk next time

heidihigh · 14/05/2022 08:24

Difficult one. As others have said, maybe after the first time although would be very difficult. Definitely not after the second time, if you keep forgiving, there are no consequences for him and he will continue to do as he likes. Take care of yourself.

Original poster
MsDynamite · 14/05/2022 08:25

ILoveAnOwl · 14/05/2022 08:23

I tried to stay and make it work, but honestly I could never forgive him. My resentment of him grew and grew and in the end I left. Being divorced and single with two small children is hard, but the peace I have without him is 100% worth it.

I think this too. I’ll never forgive him for what he has done and I don’t know if it’s the anger now or if we will never heal. I just can’t believe he is this person. He’s not the person I met, I don’t know him at all

OP posts:
Lizziekisss · 14/05/2022 08:26

Are you still living together? Is this still ongoing, or supposed to be over now and you are deciding whether to try and forgive and move on? My initial reaction would be that he had to leave. Back to his mother, his sister’s sofa, a hotel, anywhere away from me. You need time alone to consider how you feel about this without him trying to smooth things over (if indeed that’s what he’s doing). And he needs to understand that you aren’t just accepting of the situation. Sorry you are going through this.

ThatsALotOfPassionfruit · 14/05/2022 08:26

I would never tell him but possibly I’d forgive once.
BUT it hasn’t happened to me and maybe I’d feel differently if it was my reality.
I absolutely couldn’t forgive the repeat instance though.
sorry you are going through this

Waxonwaxoff0 · 14/05/2022 08:26

No, I would not stay. Admittedly I've never been in this position but I am divorced from my child's father for reasons that weren't as big a betrayal as an affair so I've never been a "stay for the children" type. If I can divorce a man for that, I'd certainly divorce one for an affair.

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 14/05/2022 08:27

I left when he cheated but that was after a long line of shitty and abusive behaviour.

Being honest, if he had cheated without the other behaviour, I probably would have stayed due to the age of my children.

redfairy · 14/05/2022 08:27

I'm sorry you are going through this. I have two ex husbands. One cheated after 13 years and the other after 10 years. Both left me devastated. I immediately split with my first husband but with number 2 (appropriate) I gave it another shot but like you I found out yet again that he had been unfaithful. I think it takes a rare marriage that can recover and from what I hear on the Relationships board those that do stick with it just limp along unhappily. I say leave.