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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If your husband cheated would you/have you stayed?

107 replies

MsDynamite · 14/05/2022 08:15

DH of 17 years has been having an affair since July time. I’ve spoken to a lot of people as it’s not my shame to carry but it seems lots have got through it or gone through similar. Just looking for answers in the yes/no form. For context I found out in September about the July affair and we agreed to work past, and he went back to her in December without my knowledge again. I’ve just recently found out again.

OP posts:
Staffymumma · 14/05/2022 09:33

The first time, I'd potentially work through it (although I'm sure it's incredibly hard!), the second time, not a chance in hell.

Startuplife · 14/05/2022 09:35

I’ve never gone through it so couldn’t truthfully know exactly what I would do but I’ve never understood how people can trust that person again.

I know that once I knew what they’d done, I’d be questioning every single thing. Every time they were late home I’d be wondering if they were doing it again etc and I’m not sure I could live like that. It would drive me mad.

LondonWolf · 14/05/2022 09:35

I did stay and I never would again. He carried on cheating and treated me with utter contempt for a further five years.

Starseeking · 14/05/2022 09:40

No. In your situation it sounds like he'll do it again and again. It doesn't sound like he gives a damn about you and your family if he's done it twice within a year.

Cloud16 · 14/05/2022 09:49

Maybe once, but never twice.

I also think it depends on circumstances. For example, a family friend lost someone close to them in a horrific car crash and started spiralling. They, once a stable person that has never cheated in the past (that we know of), started taking drugs, drinking a lot and had a one night stand, which they confessed to. Their partner told me it was like they just had a breakdown. Anyway, their partner got them help and they moved past the cheating (and other issues) and seem really happy again. I can see why they were forgiven tbh.

So, I think if someone cheats once and didn't cheat for like 20 years before in your relationship, maybe something has changed/gone wrong. Then you get other folk who just love to cheat, get a thrill out of it or whatever.

Inthesameboatatmo · 14/05/2022 09:49

He would be out the door so fast his feet wouldn't touch the ground . And all his shit would follow soon after in bin bags.

ChiefAdjusterOfRubensShorts · 14/05/2022 09:55

No, it’s a cast iron deal breaker for me. No discussion, no excuses.

My DM took my DF back after an affair when I was a young teenager and I never understood why and I never really forgave him so that probably clouds my judgement.

JorisBonson · 14/05/2022 09:57

No. I wouldn't be able to forgive or forget.

So sorry OP t

LetHimHaveIt · 14/05/2022 10:00

No, OP, I wouldn't stay.

Like a PP, I have forgiven precisely once. It was an EA of about four months followed by a short-lived sexual relationship.

If he so much as contacts her again, it's over. Not only that, but We will have no relationship to speak of. Strictly biz. I will
also tell her (allegedly brutal 🙄) partner everything. EVERYTHING. He is keenly aware of this.

I wouldn't even have been able to do this if I'd found messages telling her he loved her, as you have.

He's made a fool of you. He should go.

Tamzo85 · 14/05/2022 10:03

I think a lot of people (sometimes both husband and wife) will have cheated a few times in very long marriages. They just weren’t caught and their spouse didn’t go out their way to find out.
Its easy to say break up if you find out but if your otherwise happy I honestly think I would just ignore it like I didn’t know, unless it was an all the time thing. Life is long and people are people.

IRunbecauseILikeCake · 14/05/2022 10:04

No. At my wedding, my dad's speech was lovely and very wise and he said a good marriage is made of two good forgivers. And I am, but it's one thing I know I couldn't build up trust again with. I'm sorry you're going through this 💐

lemondrop72 · 14/05/2022 10:09

I think once I would find it very hard to forgive him but would probably try work through it but second time within a matter of months, not a chance.
He has zero respect for you doing it one time nevermind twice. You deserve so much better.

Coldnoseandtoes · 14/05/2022 10:13

No, I couldn't stay. Even if he never did anything close to it again, my trust would never recover. I know myself well enough to know that. I couldn't live with that anxiety.

Resilience9to5 · 14/05/2022 10:14

It depends, how much of a betrayal does it feel like?

years ago I would have said split up instantly, but now I think it depends how much you care. If you're living quite separate lives (emotionally) and aren't that derailed by the infidelity, does it even feel like a betrayal? I am 52 though, I am not married. I have my independence, financially, emotionally, my time is my own and I like all of that. Just trying to imagine a house twice as big, twice as much income (or more than twice as much). That'd be nice.

I suppose now I can imagine some sort of relationship with a lot less intensity where you just have somebody to go out with occasionally but I guess it never feels that 'easy' if somebody went behind your back, even if you're not devastated to lose. their faithfulness.

RainCoffeeBook · 14/05/2022 10:19

No, I'm not a mug or a doormat.

Resilience9to5 · 14/05/2022 10:21

In your shoes specifically, I'd kick him out.
You own the house right? it's in your name?

He says it was a moment of weakness and she sends you screenshots saying he loves her.

It was twice,with the same woman. That' not a moment of weakness.

He sounds like he feels entitled to have her and keep you. Just a shit, to both of you really.

In one way, twice with two women makes him an cheating player, but twice and with the same woman, I would really feel that he was meant to be with her not me, so let him go. ie, kick him out.

She's a lucky woman................

Madamecastafiore · 14/05/2022 10:25

Blanketpolicy · 14/05/2022 08:18

I think most peoples starting point will be no.

Until it happens to them and they may have their own reasons to stay/try again.

This ^ (is how it panned out for me) but if it was more than once then it would be dead in the water I'm afraid.

worriedaboutmoney2022 · 14/05/2022 10:25

No chance
Forgiving an affair is giving them the green light to do it again as you've forgiven them once

Have some respect for yourself and don't let
Him treat you like this

MrsNameChange12345 · 14/05/2022 10:32

I am from the opposite perspective. I had an affair unfortunately. Biggest mistake of my life but can't change the past! Ultimately My DH chose to work through it and we did. It was HARD work and took a long time for him to get over it properly and I took a LOT of grief from him especially over the first 2 years. But I truly deserved it.

We persevered and things got better.
And I must add that I was patient, gave him the space and time he needed to heal and I put up with his anger and frustration a lot but I did EVERYTHING I could to make it work!!
And here we are more than 3 years later now and have since had our first child. I NEVER look back. He does bring it up but very very rarely now.

The most important thing is, was I was genuinely sorry, I genuinely regretted it and I genuinely made sure he was my full focus. I would NEVER EVER have gone back to the OM. So the fact that he has OP, I'm afraid he is not sorry, he doesn't want to make it work with you and the only thing he probably regrets and is scared of is the fact of hurting and affecting his relationship with the children. I'm sorry to sound harsh but you're not being considered by him at all in all of this. He loves her, but he does also love his children.

I'm so sorry you're going through this 😞
I would definitely normally say you can work through it if it's what you BOTH want. But I'm sorry . In all honesty, He doesn't want to.

Good luck OP, wishing you strength and sending you a virtual hug xxx

happinessischocolate · 14/05/2022 10:36

I have vague recollection of my dad having an affair and telling us he would be leaving, when I was about 8. It was never spoken about again and my parents obviously worked it out and went on to have another wonderful 50 years together and were very much in love.

On the other hand I forgave my partner for sleeping with someone else and then he did it again with someone else 2 years later, so I kicked him out. He's never been faithful to any of his girlfriends since.

Only you can judge your situation and your partner.

Kitten2 · 14/05/2022 10:43

I stayed. Wish I hadn't.
Wasted years trying to forgive and forget.
I now have an affair partner.

hangrylady · 14/05/2022 10:47

If this happened and I stayed, I know that the resentment would build and build. I'd have no respect for him and I would find it very difficult to hide.

IcedPurple · 14/05/2022 10:48

But he is and always will be a really really good dad and he says he doesn’t want to lose his family, which I believe, and neither do I.

Of course he doesn't want to lose his family!

He wants it all. The security and stability of family life, the status of being a father and husband, a warm bed to come home to. But he also wants the excitement and variety of a bit on the side.

Ask yourself if he would be so tolerant if you had affairs. Not once but at least twice. I very much doubt it.

shiningstar2 · 14/05/2022 10:49

No ...almost definitely wouldn't stay the first time. Definitely definitely wouldn't stay the second time. I think he is taking advantage of your wish to keep it together for the children's sake and thinks he can have his cake and eat it indefinitely 💐

CockSpadget · 14/05/2022 10:50

The facts here are that you did try to work past it and forgive him, and unfortunately he is one those who see that as getting away with it, and as a green light to do it again.
In those circumstances it would definitely be over for me. Why would you want to live your life wondering why you weren't good enough, and when he's going to do it again.
BTW he's not a good Dad. Good dads don't cheat on and break the hearts of the mothers of their children, because the upset ultimately hurts them as well.

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