If your husband cheated would you/have you stayed?

[MsDynamite]

DH of 17 years has been having an affair since July time. I’ve spoken to a lot of people as it’s not my shame to carry but it seems lots have got through it or gone through similar. Just looking for answers in the yes/no form. For context I found out in September about the July affair and we agreed to work past, and he went back to her in December without my knowledge again. I’ve just recently found out again.

No-one can really truly understand how they would feel until they are in the situation themselves.

HOWEVER he was caught out promised to try to make it work then broke that promise only 2/3 months later?! He's telling her he loves her. I'm not sure there is much coming back from this, sorry OP. Mum and dad together isn't automatically better for the kids, modelling healthy and respectful relationships is much more important.

This can't be asked hypothetically.

Nobody will say, oh yes if my h cheats, I will just stay anyway. Nobody.

But when it actually happens and you are faced with terrible decisions that impact children, housing, many will stay after cheating because depending on their circumstances ,the alternative might be worse.

No I didn’t, trust me he will never stop.

I found marriage counselling very eye opening in the wake of the affair. We both were able to say our perspectives on how our relationship had been and it revealed why the affair started. It has also revealed a lot of things about me as a person. It actually took us back to childhood and how we mimicked our parents and how we were treated without realising. Without understanding and a commitment to change the behaviours we both needed to we would just have ended up in the same cycle. I used to think affairs were black and white and I would never stay with a cheat but humans are complicated and situations are very rarely black and white

No.
If you have him back it's basically saying it's OK.

Mine was along time ago so it doesn't really feel like it happened to me but I do look back on teenage me with sorrow.

I got married young, still a teenager. Obviously everyone said I was too young, don't do it but in the end my mum signed the papers. One week, well 9 days, after the wedding a colleague of his arrived at my door, informed me they had been having an affair for over a year and she was pregnant. He admitted sleeping with her, in the bed we bought for our new home, she slept in it before me, but he said she was making up the pregnancy. Don't know the truth of it but she didn't have a baby so either she was lying or she had an abortion.

I stayed, mainly because I felt so stupid after ignoring everyone's warnings, it just felt so pathetic to go back home after 9 days. Now I think of that teenager and how she should have run but this is now and that was then.

I stayed for over 10 years and had two children. I loved him very much but he had damaged something that just wouldn't go away.

I stayed for about a year but it was broken really. Since then, we split and amicably co-parent. It's fine. Sometimes I still mourn my life - not just him but everything - the 'married, stable, dull but safe', the financial stability. But it's also fine. I'm certainly happier than I was during his affair (he was a shit to live with) and after finding out. Miss our 'happy times' before all that but what can you do, you can't go back

I wouldn't want my daughter seeing that as acceptable behaviour (or my son for that matter). I know myself and I wouldn't stay. I know my DP too and he wouldn't stay either if I had cheated.

One night stand - Yes
Affair - No
once - Yes
twice - No

YANBU

Most people I know who have been cheated on have stayed. To make it really work and to be happy I think counselling is advisable. My DB cheated on my SIL at least 4 times, the 4th being a 3 year relationship with feelings and financial support for the mistress. But they had young twins and my SIL's job meant changing countries every 4 years- my DB would have to follow my SIL and get work in new country. Had they not stayed together the twins would have hardly seen my DB. So they pushed on through, with therapy and 15 years on from last affair are very happy. Think it helped though that by moving country it really felt like a fresh start. 1000s of miles from the scene of the crime if you like.

No, never.

I would never want to be with anyone who wasn't entirely sure they wanted to be with me. I think I deserve more than that.

Also the physical aspect - the thought of my dh actually going and putting his dick into another woman and then coming home to me would make me feel physically ill - I couldn't get over that.

Yes but ONLY with big changes and total honesty and an effort to rebuild trust. If it happened a second time, or even if details were uncovered later which hasn't been disclosed before the agreement to move forward, that would be the end of it

I stayed but I resented my husband and he was still accessing websites etc. The best thing I ever did.

Affairs inject poison into the heart of a marriage. I would not stay OP. I'm far happier without my worthless ex-husband.

Interesting you day he doenst want to lose his family. That sounds like he wants the family life but he wants a fresh and new relationship. That's probably why he went back to the other woman. If its not this other woman it will be another.

So can you really stay and give the kids the life they have now, being happy in front of them while knowing your husband is cheating,not getting down in front of them, covering for him when he cant make their sports matches, putting on a happy face and turning a blind eye? Because that's what you're signing up for.

Unless you can give the performance if a lifetime and know that he will leave you when they leave home (at best) and you've lost your self esteem and will have to restart your life in 15 years instead of now...then stay if you want to. Otherwise it's not a better life for any of you.

Yes. I have 2 little boy. I’m stay home mum. DH is a high earner. I dont think i could afford to live and to afford what i can afford now for my kids without DH. I love my DH, we were penniless to start with and i dont wanna go back to that place again. Well but i believe in my dh he won’t cheat ☺️☺️

No chance!

I wouldn’t, and I didn’t. When my exH cheated I divorced him. No way would I put up with that shit, and neither should you - he doesn’t love you, and doesn’t respect you

I nearly said stay then you said he’s gone back to her so absolutely not. I would only stay for revenge.

We have been together 34 years. Any betrayal would be the end.

I just couldn't live with it.

I can financially live alone with the DC. He would have to make his own way.

Honestly, it would tear me apart.

You can't be serious. The fact you are even asking is frightening. Twice?

Resentment is the bitterest of pills.

If he’s gone back twice, he’ll go back again. If you take him back after the second time, he’ll definitely cheat again. As you’ve proven that you’ll always take him back. If he does stop cheating, you’ll eventually resent him as he’s done severe damage to the relationship

Not a chance. I have too much self-respect to be treated like that.

Leave, staying will make you miserable. The first time could be considered a mistake, the second time he knew exactly what he was doing. He wanted to be with the OW more than he wanted to be a husband to you or a father to your DC.

He’s come crawling back because he has nowhere else to go as he is effectively homeless.

Married men who have affairs can only do so as their wives are at home caring for their children and looking after the house. Meanwhile, they can entertain OW without any commitments.. Once the marriage ends and they have to spend EOW looking after their children plus they don’t have the disposable income to finance their affair the OW usually walks.

Don’t be the consolation prize, he has screwed up, let him get on with whatever is left of his life while you and your children rebuilt a better stronger one without him.