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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If your husband cheated would you/have you stayed?

107 replies

MsDynamite · 14/05/2022 08:15

DH of 17 years has been having an affair since July time. I’ve spoken to a lot of people as it’s not my shame to carry but it seems lots have got through it or gone through similar. Just looking for answers in the yes/no form. For context I found out in September about the July affair and we agreed to work past, and he went back to her in December without my knowledge again. I’ve just recently found out again.

OP posts:
Original poster
MsDynamite · 14/05/2022 08:28

Lizziekisss · 14/05/2022 08:26

Are you still living together? Is this still ongoing, or supposed to be over now and you are deciding whether to try and forgive and move on? My initial reaction would be that he had to leave. Back to his mother, his sister’s sofa, a hotel, anywhere away from me. You need time alone to consider how you feel about this without him trying to smooth things over (if indeed that’s what he’s doing). And he needs to understand that you aren’t just accepting of the situation. Sorry you are going through this.

Yep. Still living together. Upon speaking to her he has been lying to the both of us. We live together but sleep in seperate bedrooms although have been intimate a few times, he has been seeing her again since December. I just don’t know what I’m doing I was not this person before

OP posts:
Strugglingtodomybest · 14/05/2022 08:30

When you say that he seems truly sorry, can I ask, what is he truly sorry for? The first time or the second? Or just all of it?

I'm interested too, that you say he seems sorry, rather than he is sorry. Do you think you'll ever be able to trust him again?

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this OP 💐

SillyLittleBiscuit · 14/05/2022 08:32

I think it’s pretty easy to say LTB until it’s you in the situation. It’s a lot harder to feel like your upending your life if it’s happening to you, particularly when the person you love is saying everything you want to hear. But .. he’s done this twice. He bought her back to your house. You’ve had to move! The things he’s saying to get you to stay are lies - he’s proven that by going back to her. I don’t see how this can be salvageable. You’ll never trust him, you’ll turn yourself inside out wondering if you know everything or if he’s still lying. He’s ended the relationship you had. That’s no way for you to live. I’m sorry he’s done this to you.

Roja7 · 14/05/2022 08:32

We split, we got back, I stayed for my children and finally left 7 years after discovery.

Things were never the same, sometimes in hindsight, I wish I had left sooner but it took me that time to process, build up my career from having given it up so I could become financially independent.

I can honestly say I am much happier and content, my children are happier too.

If you have the means to go, just leave.

You will model for your children that they do not need to stay in a bad relationship or with someone who doesn't treat them well.

BrewFlowers

TicTac80 · 14/05/2022 08:32

First time? If he came clean and properly worked on things, then possibly. Second time, no way.

I’m good friends with a couple, where the guy had an affair. He came clean about it quite early on, and - in the midst of working on this - changed his job, phone number, agreed to move (they were renting) and was completely honest about it to friends and family. He also worked to get things back on track, attended counselling, and did whatever his wife needed to earn her trust again. They’re still together, and they’re very happy now. It’s the only case I know of where things have worked out when someone has had an affair.

TicTac80 · 14/05/2022 08:34

In my own case, he buggered off with someone else (a now ex friend of mine) and then came crawling back a few months later. I told him to go to hell.

TidyDancer · 14/05/2022 08:34

I think it's very hard to have a general perspective on this because every situation is different. Could I forgive a stupid one off drunk fuck it? Maybe. An ongoing affair? Probably not. A second affair with the same person (like in this situation)? I very much doubt it. But no relationship is black and white.

I know someone who cheated on his wife 10 years ago. The wife has turned controlling to the point of abuse as a result. He hasn't changed and would cheat again if she wasn't the way she was. She loves him. He loves her, but stays for the children. Are either of them happy? Fuck no. One or both of them should have the guts to walk away but I understand why they haven't. It's very difficult. But I don't think either of them would look back and want to be in the position they are now.

hullaballoo19 · 14/05/2022 08:35

I have been fortunate enough to have not experienced this myself so can't say for sure what I would do but I've always believed I'd leave. I don't think I'd ever be able to trust them ever again and wouldn't want to live my life constantly in fear of it happening again. That being said, I think if I'd been with that person for 17 years with children and a life together then I would possibly TRY to move past it and rebuild the relationship (with no guarantee that I'd be able to). However if they then did it again that would absolutely be it for me. The fact that he's gone back to the ow (especially very soon after you'd forgiven him!) means he cannot be trusted again. I'm really sorry you're having to go through this, I can't imagine how awful it must be. I wish you the best 💐

Original poster
MsDynamite · 14/05/2022 08:35

Strugglingtodomybest · 14/05/2022 08:30

When you say that he seems truly sorry, can I ask, what is he truly sorry for? The first time or the second? Or just all of it?

I'm interested too, that you say he seems sorry, rather than he is sorry. Do you think you'll ever be able to trust him again?

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this OP 💐

I have absolutely no idea he is truly sad and down but I don’t know if that’s because he has had to cut contact with her, in all honesty. But he is and always will be a really really good dad and he says he doesn’t want to lose his family, which I believe, and neither do I. Our relationship on the other hand I just don’t know. He says he regrets it and just had a moment of weakness and loves me but yeah you’re right he seems sorry only. Back in august time when we agreed to work on it he did try. I just can’t believe he’s done it again. He has told her numerous times he loves her. She sent me screenshots when I got in touch

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 14/05/2022 08:36

If he cheated once I'd probably leave. If he went back a second time I certainly would.

If he was genuinely sorry why did he go back?

MrMrsJones · 14/05/2022 08:36

He's not sorry
He is fucking her and fucking you, what I life of reily he has.
Ow and wife all running round after him

Fuck that, get rid and move on

Thepeopleversuswork · 14/05/2022 08:37

No. I don’t see the point of being married to someone who isn’t faithful. Makes no sense.

thegcatsmother · 14/05/2022 08:41

He is sorry he got caught and can't continue to have his cake and eat it.

Dh has always known that I operate a cheat on me and it's over policy, due to what I saw my Mum go through to hold her marriage together. Even though we have been married for 36 years, that still holds good.

thegcatsmother · 14/05/2022 08:43

Meant to add, my Dad started playing away when I was 13, and my parents finally split up when I was 24. It has had a lasting effect on me, so don't think your children are oblivious. It might be better for them if you split up, so they would have closure.

Darbs76 · 14/05/2022 08:45

Everyone will say they’d leave on here, but until they are in that situation they don’t know truly what they’d do, and many do stay. For convenience; financially, in the hope he will change. He probably won’t but up to you if you want to live like that.

KangarooKenny · 14/05/2022 08:46

No matter what anyone says on here, it would be the end for me. I’ve always been faithful , and would expect it in return.
He would be gone, no second chances.

carwashthecat · 14/05/2022 08:49

I stayed and tried to make it work.. he did it again, basically by not leaving the first time, I had given him my permission to do it again and treat me with absolutely no respect.. I am now married to a wonderful man who I trust implicitly…
Please leave now and save yourself more heartbreak in the future.. I still struggle to reconcile the amount of time I wasted on someone who clearly did not love or respect me.

Strugglingtodomybest · 14/05/2022 08:49

He has told her numerous times he loves her. She sent me screenshots when I got in touch

Ouch.

I don't know if I would ever be able to get past the thought that he was only staying with me for the kids, and that he didn't actually want me for myself. That's got to be soul destroying hasn't it?

PurrBox · 14/05/2022 08:50

I stayed. More than 3 years later, I don't know if that is the right decision.

ChocolatRaisins · 14/05/2022 08:54

If my DH came home one night and said OMG I got smashed and snogged someone, I would go mad, but possibly not throw our marriage away.

If I found out he had lied to me, spent money on a woman, had slept with her multiple times and had feelings for her - then ABSOLUTELY NO WAY would I entertain him for another second. She is welcome to him. This is my absolute red line.

People are different though. A friend of mine said that people are only human and make mistakes. I think she has cheated and/ or her new DH has in the past. I don't understand this TBH.

I have a few friends whose husbands are opening having affairs right now, for a long time, and these friends are absolutely miserable and devastated, but still cling on to their DH's.

For me, I could be broke, I could lose my home and other things, but I would die before I lost my dignity and self respect and let someone humiliate me like that.

ChocolatRaisins · 14/05/2022 08:57

I stayed. More than 3 years later, I don't know if that is the right decision.

It sounds to me like you are not sure. You should be taking this time that you are with him to "save youself". Spend money and time on improving your career prospects, put money away in an account for you only and be in a better position in case he does it again. Make sure yo have up to date copies of finances.

WhatsitWiggle · 14/05/2022 08:58

Yes, for 10 years. But our marriage never recovered and I wish I'd had the courage to tell him to leave a lot earlier. And when I did say I wanted to end the marriage (only a few weeks ago), he admitted he was only staying for our daughter and the house!

The fact your's has gone back for more is the deal breaker. There's an issue in your marriage and he's seeking comfort elsewhere rather than dealing with the issue. You could try marriage counselling but in my opinion after feeling like I've lived a lie for 10 years, if they are having sex with someone else repeatedly, they've checked out of the marriage.

Original poster
MsDynamite · 14/05/2022 09:20

thegcatsmother · 14/05/2022 08:43

Meant to add, my Dad started playing away when I was 13, and my parents finally split up when I was 24. It has had a lasting effect on me, so don't think your children are oblivious. It might be better for them if you split up, so they would have closure.

This is what I’m worried about our daughter is very much aware I think although I try and keep her sheltered as much as possible. And I worry about the lasting affects.

OP posts:
Chilledchablis1 · 14/05/2022 09:29

So he is still seeing her ? Not sure I could deal with that .
I stayed when exh cheated the first time but second time ( that I knew of) was the end.
I have a friend whose DH has cheated numerous times throughout a 30+ year marriage . She won’t leave for financial reasons , he has what he wants , their adult DC are a bit screwed up and my friend is constantly on edge .
Is that what you want for you and your DC ?

Hiddenvoice · 14/05/2022 09:32

Lots of people would say they would walk away but when it happens it’s a really difficult and heart breaking situation.
I stayed with my dh after I found out. We made big changes and it took a really long time for me to trust him again.
You two were trying to work things out and he’s gone back to her. He’s hidden it again from you. He says he doesn’t want to lose his family but he hasn’t said about losing you.
I’m sorry but I don’t think he’s ever going to be finished with this woman. I know you don’t want to split up your family but you don’t deserve this. You don’t deserve this man treating you like rubbish, lying to you and lying to your family. You have done nothing wrong, you haven’t broken up your family- he has!
I think you should ask him to stay somewhere else so you can think through what you want to do.