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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with DW?

106 replies

N4MEChange · 14/05/2022 06:33

DS is 3 and tends to wake up at around 06:00. Monday to Friday I get up with him. DW has to get up early on Mondays and Thursdays anyway so she dresses him, she also dresses him on Tuesdays as I have an early start at work (she tends to get up at around 07:00 to dress him just before I need to leave). Wednesday and Friday I don't work and DW works from home, so I get up with DS and she gets up at around 07:30/08:00.
So I get up at around 06:00 Monday - Friday. I am also the one who takes him to CM before I go to work, whilst DW dresses him and that is helpful I do everything else that is required in the morning Monday-Friday.
We cut a deal when DS was 9MO - I would have a lie in on Saturdays and DW would on Sundays. The trouble is that DW has to make a load of passive aggressive comments when she gets up - usually around how she'll be too tired for whatever we have planned later in the day. Then DS cries outside of our bedroom door because he wants me....then there is pretty much no hope of me getting back to sleep! I feel wound up and no matter how tired I am sleep will not come.
On Sunday mornings I get up and take DS downstairs quickly and quietly so DW can sleep.
AIBU to be pissed off? As I lie here awake typing away at 06:30 OR should I let it slide / change our routine because I work less hours in the week?

OP posts:
YouHaventDoneAnyWork · 14/05/2022 06:37

You need to have an adult to adult chat about how you feel and why she does that. Passive aggressive comments by her and then you seething just means everyone is pissed off and there will be more resentfulness.

sort it out.

Thereisnolight · 14/05/2022 06:40

I couldn’t fully make out your weekday arrangement, sorry, but it doesn’t sound fair to leave DC crying outside your door on your lie-in morning. What else is going on?

Original poster
N4MEChange · 14/05/2022 06:41

Sorry, I should have said; we have spoken about it (calmly) several times and she knows I don't go back to sleep. She says that she can't be held responsible for what she says when she has just been suddenly woken @ 06:00

OP posts:
FairyCakeWings · 14/05/2022 06:42

The classic sleep argument. What time does your ds go to bed, and does he sleep through from then until 6.00? How long has he been reliably doing that for?

If he’s 3 and a decent sleeper, this shouldn’t have to be so hard still. Both of you need to go to bed earlier if you need more sleep.

Original poster
N4MEChange · 14/05/2022 06:44

Thereisnolight · 14/05/2022 06:40

I couldn’t fully make out your weekday arrangement, sorry, but it doesn’t sound fair to leave DC crying outside your door on your lie-in morning. What else is going on?

Yeah, sorry for all the detail. I think I was trying to clarify that I get up at 06:00 with DS every week day, but DW does help a bit on my working days.
DS wants me. I am his main carer and he would like me every morning. He's not crying there for hours, it usually takes about ten minutes to persuade him that DW is a suitable alternative.

OP posts:
Original poster
N4MEChange · 14/05/2022 06:48

DS usually goes to sleep at 19:30-20:30 we take him up at 19:00ish but lately there's been trouble getting him to sleep. He generally sleeps through to 06:00 and has for ages. DW has always needed a weekend lie-in though. Before DS came along weekends were pretty much a write-off. I would just like one day of the week where I woke up at say 07:30/08:00 and got ready in peace?

OP posts:
Ferngreen · 14/05/2022 06:51

You had a child with someone who prioritizes their own sleep.
Child will sleep later soon.

Rumplestrumpet · 14/05/2022 06:53

Weekdays you should share load if possible but it's not clear why you have the current setup. Why does she not get up with DS one day at 6 and you sleep til 8?

Weekend it's pretty straightforward - each parent has one lie-in, and other parent is responsible for keeping child quiet and allowing a decent sleep. DW should take him straight downstairs and keep him busy with something. At 3, he might have a preference but should be perfectly happy with either parent - maybe chocolate cereal as a weekend bribe/treat? It's really not on for DW to let you be woken on your one lie-in day

Gizacluethen · 14/05/2022 06:55

This would really piss me off. She can't do one of the seven 6am starts?! I'd start waking her up on Sundays which is passive aggressive and unhealthy. Every time she complains how tired she is I'd be like "yeah I'm exhausted too since you didn't let me have a lie in and I've done the 6am waking every day this week."

Stripey3000 · 14/05/2022 06:58

YANBU. Is there enough space in your home for DW to keep your DS far enough away from your bedroom door, so as not to disturb you? Letting him sit there and cry seems a passive aggressive move in itself. What is DW doing while that is happening? Trying to lure him away, or ignoring him? I think a fun distraction is needed for both of them.
I get that it's not easy for some people to wake up quickly and deal with things, but 1 day a week isn't too much to ask, and that's just part of being a parent unfortunately.
I echo what PP said about going to bed earlier for your DW. At a certain point, it's no longer the little ones keeping us awake, it's us grown ups wanting to stay up and have an evening, which is totally understandable...but also where a compromise could be made once a week, when DW knows they are doing the early shift.

Whatlovelyweather · 14/05/2022 07:02

DW is being completely unreasonable, pissing and moaning about the 6am weekend start. Don’t get me wrong, I’d feel the same but you suck it up so your spouse gets their lie in. Given that DC wakes at 6am every day it sounds like you both need to go to bed earlier

Thereisnolight · 14/05/2022 07:03

How is she apart from the morning issue? Does she really hate waking early but steps up in other areas? Does she work very long hours during the week and is genuinely exhausted?
The weekend issue sounds annoying though, especially as you do all the weekday mornings.
Would your DS climb into bed with you at weekends and quietly watch paw patrol for an hour….? Give you both a break. He’s old enough to firmly believe told to let you sleep a bit longer.

TheBolterdahling · 14/05/2022 07:04

So you never get a lie in and get up at 6am 7 days a week? Your DW is being a total dick.

KangarooKenny · 14/05/2022 07:05

Why are you getting up every day at 6am ? It should be shared.

ChiselandBits · 14/05/2022 07:13

The child won't necessarily 'sleep later soon'. It took my DS til 10 years old to sleep beyond 6.30. This kind of thing build huge resentment and needs dealing with.

Daisyblush · 14/05/2022 07:18

Your DW is a selfish arse.

PrancerandDancer · 14/05/2022 07:20

YANBU, we have the same weekend set up here (however mainly for the puppy now rather than DD)

My DH works long hours during the week but still facilitates my Sunday lie in and keeps DD away so I can rest in peace. We are flexible if one is poorly or has plans but we both respect each others lie in day and the need to get a rest.

Your DW should be able to deal with one 6am. Its part and parcel of having kids and to be honest she is getting away lightly with just one a week!

hopeishere · 14/05/2022 07:21

KangarooKenny · 14/05/2022 07:05

Why are you getting up every day at 6am ? It should be shared.

I think they have to get up for work anyway?

It sounds very annoying. I agree about being less considerate on a Sunday.

Original poster
N4MEChange · 14/05/2022 07:24

Just spoke to DW about it again- she says that I never get back to sleep matter what she does (it is true that I struggle to get back to sleep quickly, but more so if I feel angry with her and guilty about crying son) and she doesn't want to argue about it......she is sorry.....BUT it was 06:00 and we do have plans this evening and of course she is disappointed at having to get up early.....!

I actually think she doesn't notice what time it is when I get up during the week. DS sleeps later in the winter. He had a blackout blind in his room but gets out of bed and sees the windows so he thinks it is time to get up because it is light.

The thing is that they are both happy downstairs now - watching a film and eating breakfast together, laughing away! It's lovely really.

Sometimes during the week if I am really not ready to get up we let DS into our bed and pop cartoons on. The only thing is that he wants to stay for hours and gets upset when it's time to get up. So generally I take him downstairs. I actually love our time together, but would like one morning to have a bit more sleep.

Evenings are busy - for various reasons we usually eat after 20:00 so going to bed earlier isn't really on the cards.

OP posts:
Original poster
N4MEChange · 14/05/2022 07:25

Why does MN keep removing all the gaps between my paragraphs and cutting words off of the end of posts?!

OP posts:
Original poster
N4MEChange · 14/05/2022 07:27

*DS has a blackout blind in bedroom but sees the windows on the landing when he gets out of bed. Most mornings I am awoken by "Mummy it's day time!" Which I find quite endearing

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 14/05/2022 07:28

Have you tried swapping the weekend lie-ins over, so she gets Saturday and you get Sunday?

You mentioned that she’s always needed a lie-in, that she works longer hours than you, and that she’s in a routine of waking at 7-8am, so a 6am waking on Saturday probably does feel earlier for her than for you (IYSWIM). If she gets the Saturday lie-in to top up her sleep bank then she might find it easier to give you a proper lie-in on Sunday.

That said, if your DC is reliably sleeping 8pm-6am then neither one of you can be that sleep deprived.

phishy · 14/05/2022 07:32

YANBU, ask her how she would like it if you started talking to her on Monday to Friday and Sundays when she’s sleeping?

If she says she wouldn’t mind, then start talking loudly to her.

Talking to her clearly isn’t working, so SHOW her how annoying it is.

Original poster
N4MEChange · 14/05/2022 07:34

@CinnabarRed
DW works an office job 37.5 hours over five days. 3 days WFH, 2 days in the office. She has an hour for lunch, ten minutes in the morning and ten in the afternoon every day. She gets up early so that she can wash and blow dry her hair in her own time every day.

I work 27 hours over 3 days in an office. Compressed hours means that I only take a twenty minute break on each of my working days.

DW has chosen Sundays and would like to stick with Sundays. I don't mind which day but would like a day!

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 14/05/2022 07:38

Fair enough. It was just a suggestion.

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