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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off with DW?

106 replies

N4MEChange · 14/05/2022 06:33

DS is 3 and tends to wake up at around 06:00. Monday to Friday I get up with him. DW has to get up early on Mondays and Thursdays anyway so she dresses him, she also dresses him on Tuesdays as I have an early start at work (she tends to get up at around 07:00 to dress him just before I need to leave). Wednesday and Friday I don't work and DW works from home, so I get up with DS and she gets up at around 07:30/08:00.
So I get up at around 06:00 Monday - Friday. I am also the one who takes him to CM before I go to work, whilst DW dresses him and that is helpful I do everything else that is required in the morning Monday-Friday.
We cut a deal when DS was 9MO - I would have a lie in on Saturdays and DW would on Sundays. The trouble is that DW has to make a load of passive aggressive comments when she gets up - usually around how she'll be too tired for whatever we have planned later in the day. Then DS cries outside of our bedroom door because he wants me....then there is pretty much no hope of me getting back to sleep! I feel wound up and no matter how tired I am sleep will not come.
On Sunday mornings I get up and take DS downstairs quickly and quietly so DW can sleep.
AIBU to be pissed off? As I lie here awake typing away at 06:30 OR should I let it slide / change our routine because I work less hours in the week?

OP posts:

dylanthedragon · 14/05/2022 07:43

Your wife is unreasonable and acting selfishly. Saying that, could you try swapping your lie in to the Sunday? That way, she should, in theory, feel refreshed after her week at work and have had Saturday to reconnect with your son so hopefully, he will be happier to get up quietly with her in the morning?

They could plan on the Saturday evening what they are going to do together? Planning their special breakfast together or what they will do/watch together. He might be happier to go downstairs quietly if he wakes up excited about spending time with DW.

Another trick I found worked when my children were that age was for DH to pretend they were making breakfast as a surprise treat for me. So he would say I would like breakfast at 8.30. DDs would help make a bit of tea and toast then make a big fuss of bringing if to me in bed at the correct time. If kept them quiet and happy as they didn't want to spoil the surprise. And I got breakfast in bed with cuddles after a lie in 😀

dylanthedragon · 14/05/2022 07:45

Sorry - just noticed I've cross-posted onthe suggestion to swap days.

Original poster

N4MEChange · 14/05/2022 07:52

@CinnabarRed Sorry, I didn't mean to sound short!

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 14/05/2022 07:53

Perhaps you've just got to remove the expectation of lie-ins for both of you. You're sleep/work times are a doddle compared with most parents. Really neither of you need lie-ins. A lot of people who I know have to get up for around 5.30-6am and get to bed for around 10.30-11pm. Is it more sleep or time to yourself that you need? I'm sure that the last three years have gone fast and the next two will go even faster, so these busy parenting times are over quickly. You have a nice working life between you.

Original poster

N4MEChange · 14/05/2022 07:55

....now we're going through the routine of DS screaming for me whilst DW tries to give him a bath. Honestly, I am not sure whether it is him being overly keen on me or something DW is doing that he doesn't like. Of course, when I try to get to the bottom of it I am making it sound like she's a bad parent though ☹️

OP posts:

Gizlotsmum · 14/05/2022 07:56

would it help if she got the Sat lie in and you the Sunday? If she is tired at the end of the week maybe switching the days would give her the first lie in, meaning she is less knackered for your lie in on the Sunday?

Original poster

N4MEChange · 14/05/2022 07:57

If we agree to both get up on the weekend instead of having a day each DW will definitely stay in bed and I will get up seven days a week. I think I might have to do this though - the current situation is driving me mad

OP posts:

maddening · 14/05/2022 07:58

Can dw sleep in ds room the night where you have the lie in? She is obviously not a morning person so maybe being at the source of morning disruption would help.

I am v lucky that my dh is an early riser anyway, it has saved a fair few arguments I imagine 🤣 ds is 11 now and they both love getting up of a morning.

Gizlotsmum · 14/05/2022 08:00

Sorry just seen she doesn’t want to change days, well then she either needs to stop moaning or try swapping days

I think the wanting you more thing is a natural stage and it will change, maybe try doing bath time together ( dw leading) and see how it goes…

Hall84 · 14/05/2022 08:01

I do all the night get ups for a 2 year old, probably once a night now but more when poorly etc etc so can have very disturbed sleep. Like you I find it difficult to get back to sleep once I've been woken up properly so it's important that the person doing the get up does it quickly and quietly rather than go down the route of in a minute . . . We agreed on a lie in each but mine kept getting sabotaged, taking ages to go downstairs, asking where things were, crashing about. You get the picture. So I started taking the Saturday lie in. If it was/is sabotaged then I get Sunday too. It's not perfect but it's certainly being sabotaged a lot less!

Classicblunder · 14/05/2022 08:03

Earplugs for your lie in? Can you sleep in a spare room if you have one?

R00K · 14/05/2022 08:05

She doesn't respect you, and she'll never change. See a solicitor, get your finances sorted and ltb.

dylanthedragon · 14/05/2022 08:10

Does he normally have a bath at this time? I'm assuming the bathroom and bedroom are near to each other? It seems unnecessary to bathe him while you are trying to have your lie in. Even if he wasn't upset, baths with 3 year olds are rarely quiet!

Benedictcucumber · 14/05/2022 08:10

Do you have a spare room? I’m also a really light sleeper and struggle to get back to sleep once I’m woken. For my weekly lie in, I use ear plugs and sleep alone. My husband is in the other bed with our toddler so he can snooze while she watches cartoons. She gets up when it gets light so that’s around 4.45 am at the moment.

Giraffesandbottoms · 14/05/2022 08:16

This is absolute bullshit. Honestly. My husband wakes up with the children 7 days a week but that’s because I’m pregnant and our youngest wakes up several times a night so the deal is “7pm-5am wake ups are my problem - from 5am it’s his problem”. And when I sleep in at the weekend it’s only ever until 7/8 and then usually he will have 1-2 hours nap whilst I chill with the children.

and I still really appreciate that he does that. With 1 3 year old who sleeps through your set up is utter bullshit and I would be raging about your child being left upset outside your door so that you wake up. I am so petty I would just start sleeping in a hotel every Friday until she gets her shit together.

Original poster

N4MEChange · 14/05/2022 08:24

I have gone downstairs to help with the bath (DW told me not to but I couldn't stand it any longer) I got DS dressed and have come back upstairs to have one coffee in bed. He's still screaming for me, DW and I are arguing, the whole day now seems very tricky. I suggesting that it might be better for me to get up with DS as of next week Saturday but for DW to come downstairs at 08:00 so they can do something fun whilst I take some time for myself. She does not want to do this. I will try again later when she is feeling less stressed. Ironically, DS is at GP house tonight so neither of us have to get up tomorrow anyway.

OP posts:

Mrsteapot42 · 14/05/2022 08:27

Ponoka7 · 14/05/2022 07:53

I'm not going to lie, as someone whose DH leaves the house for work at 6am and someone who gets themselves up at 6am for work, I don't understand the moaning about a 6am start.

You know DC gets up at 6am or earlier I'm presuming now if they get up when it's light. You know you're going to be up then. You could make changes to your life style if you wanted to get more sleep, but its easier for everyone to have passive aggressive arguments with each other about lack of sleep.

I really don't understand the amount of people on MN who complain about their child who doesn't bend to fit their schedule with their sleeping patterns, when as a adult they are not willing to do the same thing.

Original poster

N4MEChange · 14/05/2022 08:28

Thank you for all the suggestions;

no spare room at our house
no budget for a weekly hotel stay (even Travelodge)
bathroom is downstairs away from our bedroom
bath time happens three mornings a week, DS finds it too exciting in the evening! I do other two bath times.
I think most of you are correct, I get enough sleep but just want to wake in my own time one morning instead of being wrenched from sleep and want to enjoy a coffee / breakfast on my own with a book for a couple of hours.

OP posts:

Beautiful3 · 14/05/2022 08:30

I would remind her that Saturdays are your only days to lie in. When the child's crying, wake her up and say its your turn. Pretend to go back to sleep. Even if you're awake, it doesn't matter its the principle of it.

Original poster

N4MEChange · 14/05/2022 08:32

@Mrsteapot42
I am not complaining about my child getting up. I am complaining about my wife not getting up. I am genuinely asking if I should be putting my foot down about the deal we have in place or if I should forget about it, get up with DS 7 days a week and carve some time out for myself somewhere else. Thank you for your opinion on that matter, but your comments about my expectations of my ch I'll d are rude

OP posts:

Original poster

N4MEChange · 14/05/2022 08:39

child are rude

OP posts:

Glenthebattleostrich · 14/05/2022 08:40

Firstly, your wife is being unfair. She needs to get up properly and take care of your child. I was the one who did everything for 4 years until I told my husband he would be doing 2 weekends a month and 1 evening a week alone and in another house if he didn't pull his finger out.

Have you tried a grow clock for your son. At 3 he can start to understand that grown ups need sleeping time and just because the sun is up doesn't mean wake up time for everyone. He can play with toys quietly for a short time.

DownToTheSeaAgain · 14/05/2022 08:41

Successful marriage is about compromise and sharing the load isn't always about doing the same thing. Sounds like your DW really can't handle mornings so is there something else she can do to make things more equal?

My DP has never been a morning person and we have x4 DC. When they were small he would deal with late night stuff and I'd take the morning. Equal not the same. You'd lose your lie in but sounds like you don't get it anyway.

Goldfishjones · 14/05/2022 08:42

I totally hear you re the waking in your own time. But I don't think you will be able to do this, your DD and DW are not going to make it work.

I agree the best thing might be to accept the 6am get ups for the next couple of years and take time for yourself at a different point in the day.

This is the approach we took, altho for different reason, not because my DH is an arse.

123cupcake4 · 14/05/2022 08:50

You either need to sit down and work out a solution or admit defeat and forget about your lay in.

I haven't had a lay in for 9 years. And I really need one. But I made a rod for my own back and kids won't even entertain the idea of waking dh. Why would they? I made it so they always wake me up. Dh works 7 days a week anyway. And is up at 8 am latest. But mine are all 2 years apart so I have literally not slept in 9 years. All of mine have been terrible sleepers until they turn about 5 or 6. So I'm hoping a few more years left and I will get my lie ins! Dh is literally dead tk the world . He says he will get up but he doesn't hear it and by the time I have woken him up I'm wide awake and then they see/hear me so no point.

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