To feel between ' a rock and a hard place' with dh and ds...

[Andonandonamdnn]

Dh is 62 .
Ds , 25.
Ds is doing a funded post grad professional on the job qualification which means that he gets a minimal.wage ( not a grant) whilst he trains and works and quaifies.
Dh and I both worked all our working lives in public service jobs and in early 60s ( took pension then ) we have a pension for life , of 1.5 k pm dh and 450 pm me.
. We both work ... Me pt ,he 3/4 time in minimum wage jobs to top up income .
Borh dc thro uni , then ds decided on post grad as above. ..
Dc could not afford rent ( v high in area on the temp wage whilst training) so we pay a proportion of his costs and rent to.help him which has meant the need to earn more income.

.. he is texnically a student/ dependnant ?.. he could have lived in cheaper place with students but as he now is doing a professional placement via a school.. we/ he felt he needed a quiet ish flat not one with undergrads who want to party as he needs have quiet to prep in evenings for class. Etc.

Dh works 5 days a week. I work 3 to in part faciltate this and it means we have to be careful.with money.. we cant travel.abroad as hopes/ plannes etc. As we send money eaxh month.. Ive offered to do more work but dh says he does not wantme to as i do a physically hard cleaning job and have some health issues.

.The rock and rhe hard place is this.... ds need s finiancial support till he qualifies next year in order to .stay in this decent quiet ish flat to study etc and go.to.work.5 days a week in school( v few available in a uni city were most places are busy student undergrad places) .. dh has started saying things like .". he is 26 years old .."." when i wasthat age" etc" ,i am in my 60s."." when will.the support end.". hes said to ds he is looking forward to the time he can work less.. he is grumpy a lot.. i think he resents the commitment of the support as he is tired.. its that he feels adult child of 26 wd not need ongoing £ support at this stage of life and whilst he wants to.support him , he also.resents it and it comes to.surface ? I dont know what to to.. he is withdrawn with dc on phone( notes by ds) as he is tired , resentful? , fed up, but also feels he should help.. it seems to.be increasingly hard for dh to do his.
. Ds has said to.me.why is dh like this ( withdrawn on phone) and i feel.stuck between the need to support ds and dh s wish to help him but the fact that this is coupled with tiredness and occasional ( what feels like resenment/ anger/ wanting freedom from supporting adult dc/ occasional pride in it. Its as if the wants tohelp ds but is tired and is starting to resent it at the same time. I dont want either dh or ds to feel bad . Plus we have said we will help.ds and the last thing i want is for ds to feel bad about it.

If he doesn’t finish till next September, that means he can’t have started the course yet. Which begs the question…what exactly IS he doing and why are you funding him to do that?!

Time for your son to step up. He either needs a 2nd job to supplement his income or live somewhere cheaper

You need to reduce the amount of financial support you are giving and live your own lives. I fully understand why your husband is fed up.

He has a placement in another school in a few weeks .. before the school hols... ( his school is Ld).. would this indictate rhe type of scheme he is on ...

Its 6 weeks i think

No-most schemes offer placements to experience other settings. What is LD?

Learning Disabilities . Sorry.
So if he is doing a placement wd that indicate that he is actually on the teaching training.at present and if so why.wd it be till.sept 2023... he has had a class and ta s of his own since last autumn term ( i cant recall if it waa from sept or later)

He might be doing Teach First, but if so he should be on somewhere between £20k and £30k as are many people in their 20s and 30s. If he can't afford a flat on his own in an expensive city, tough. And I don't know why he's be doing a place if he has a class. What happens to his class while he does that?

You need to speak to him. None of this makes sense,

I think you need to sit down with your son and find out exactly what it is he is doing with him providing written evidence/contracts rather than just taking his word for it because it all seems rather confused. You also need to make it clear to him that you and your husband cannot afford to subsidise him to this extent and the detrimental impact it is having on your husband and make it clear that your son needs to come up with solutions to his own problems, whether that be house/flat sharing, taking up work outside of the school day/week/term.

You and your husband need to start prioritising your own health, well being and lives not driving yourselves into an early grave trying to fund a young, fit, capable adult.

so we pay a proportion of his costs and rent to.help him

how much are you giving him each month?

500

He has said his scheme takes a year but more for some people .

Stop relying on what he says and get some actual proof.

Well, only the people who are failing or doing it part time!

So, have you spoken to him now and asked?! £500 a month!!

This all sounds really concerning, op. You really need a straight answer about why he’s taking 2 years to do a 1 year programme.

This sounds so suss. I'd be asking for some clear answers.

I did my teacher training aged 23. (PGCE one year)

I shared a house with other students. Tiny bedroom, bad heating, typical shared student kitchen.
(bloody good people though)

I had no money. None of us had any money.
In my first year of teaching I was able to buy a small one bed flat. But to afford it, I used the living room as a bedroom and let out the bedroom (to be fair it was to a friend). We used the tiny kitchen diner as our living space with a sofa squished in the corner and the only table was flap one which overlapped the sofa.
That was for the first 4 years of my teaching career.

Your son has had it all handed to him on a plate. He needs to go into a house share with post grad students or young professionals. He needs to cut back on expenses, and he needs to do what many people do, which is in school holidays take on other types of work.

yes teacher training is hard, yes teaching is hard, but he is young and fit and he needs to step up.

So he either hasn’t started the course yet

or has almost finished but lying so you carry on financing him

or failed so doing it again

or doing it part time

There zero chance he did not know course finished date. So he has misled you to get you to carry on financing him. While piling on the guilt and making you worry your husband will ruin their relationship?

It sounds like your son is taking complete advantage, I would surprised if it’s the first time. And sat back while your husband gets ill. If he is lying and manipulating you with guilt, it’s him damaging the relationship.

It does all sound round manipulative.
He can’t be bright enough to get accepted onto the scheme, but not bright enough to know what the scheme is.

Doing a placement doesn’t mean that he’s started the scheme. It just means that someone at school has organised a placement for him - work experience. They may be a good training school like that, and if in an academy group (very very likely) can organise placements within the group.

Its odd that you’re so closely involved in his finances (£500 a month! Has he no shame or pride!) and emotional life (worrying that his dad has upset him) yet don’t even know the overview of this training you’re funding.

A PGCE, salaried or non salaried (student loan) is one academic year - September through to July. This includes 3 placements and lectures in between. I’m confused as to why he hasn’t had any lectures. You need to learn theories too. Are you sure he’s started his teacher training?

getintoteaching.education.gov.uk/train-to-be-a-teacher/if-you-have-a-degree

The more you write the more it sounds like your son is not being straight with you. You need to find your backbone and find out exactly what you are funding at the moment all it sounds like is you and your husband are being taken for absolute mugs.

stopthepain no he is most def work full time. He does not go to lectures. He def is aware of ciriculum and does lesson planning. Some of the things he spoke about ,I am.aware of professionally ( he has been involved in safeguarding for eg).
I do not doubt he is teaching at all. He loves it and the kids .

Your DS is a grown man and should be self sufficient by now. I spend all week in a challenging classroom and come home to 2 kids as a single mum. He needs to grow up!

He's in his 20s! He'll never have more energy than he does now! He should be standing on his own two feet.

Are you sure he’s not just working as a full time TA? TAs are also safeguarding trained and are aware of the curriculum (as they support the pupils in class). They occasionally cover a class. There are different routes into teaching, but all of them include 2-3 placements (different schools and key stages) and lectures. I don’t think your ds is telling you the truth.