To feel between ' a rock and a hard place' with dh and ds...

[Andonandonamdnn]

Dh is 62 .
Ds , 25.
Ds is doing a funded post grad professional on the job qualification which means that he gets a minimal.wage ( not a grant) whilst he trains and works and quaifies.
Dh and I both worked all our working lives in public service jobs and in early 60s ( took pension then ) we have a pension for life , of 1.5 k pm dh and 450 pm me.
. We both work ... Me pt ,he 3/4 time in minimum wage jobs to top up income .
Borh dc thro uni , then ds decided on post grad as above. ..
Dc could not afford rent ( v high in area on the temp wage whilst training) so we pay a proportion of his costs and rent to.help him which has meant the need to earn more income.

.. he is texnically a student/ dependnant ?.. he could have lived in cheaper place with students but as he now is doing a professional placement via a school.. we/ he felt he needed a quiet ish flat not one with undergrads who want to party as he needs have quiet to prep in evenings for class. Etc.

Dh works 5 days a week. I work 3 to in part faciltate this and it means we have to be careful.with money.. we cant travel.abroad as hopes/ plannes etc. As we send money eaxh month.. Ive offered to do more work but dh says he does not wantme to as i do a physically hard cleaning job and have some health issues.

.The rock and rhe hard place is this.... ds need s finiancial support till he qualifies next year in order to .stay in this decent quiet ish flat to study etc and go.to.work.5 days a week in school( v few available in a uni city were most places are busy student undergrad places) .. dh has started saying things like .". he is 26 years old .."." when i wasthat age" etc" ,i am in my 60s."." when will.the support end.". hes said to ds he is looking forward to the time he can work less.. he is grumpy a lot.. i think he resents the commitment of the support as he is tired.. its that he feels adult child of 26 wd not need ongoing £ support at this stage of life and whilst he wants to.support him , he also.resents it and it comes to.surface ? I dont know what to to.. he is withdrawn with dc on phone( notes by ds) as he is tired , resentful? , fed up, but also feels he should help.. it seems to.be increasingly hard for dh to do his.
. Ds has said to.me.why is dh like this ( withdrawn on phone) and i feel.stuck between the need to support ds and dh s wish to help him but the fact that this is coupled with tiredness and occasional ( what feels like resenment/ anger/ wanting freedom from supporting adult dc/ occasional pride in it. Its as if the wants tohelp ds but is tired and is starting to resent it at the same time. I dont want either dh or ds to feel bad . Plus we have said we will help.ds and the last thing i want is for ds to feel bad about it.

@Andonandonamdnn do you really believe he didn’t know how long the course was?

or did he (and perhaps you) know but knew funding for a further 2 years wouldn’t be agreed.

Sorry I'm 100% with your husband on this one.

You live in a university city - as do I - there will definitely be shared houses available for professionals that won't be as loud. But, plenty of people live with house mates while studying and working.

He is on a funded post grad. He should have the nous to find some other way of funding the way he wants to live or he should compromise.

Andromachehadabadday
It all seemed to happen so.quickly .. I cant recall.. it was celebration re ta job.. then being asked to.apply for teacher job, then new flat.. may have assumed it was a year.. lesson learnt.. clear communication required.
It was last week that we got a call saying it was longer . So yes, assumed one year!

I disagree. I think teach first is no more prestigious than a good uni PGCE/teacher SCITT. Especially in a shortage subject not many care as long as you passed well. (On my final placement I was graded good overall, not so on my first 2), but its the journey along the way. Some of the best teachers I know started off with satisfactory and got to outstanding with a couple of years. It's the rate of improvement made, not the course you take.

Look into funding from the uni, discretionary housing payments from the council. He could try applying for a council house.

He could tutor, that pays a really good wage and would help his future career.

If it was agreed for a year, it's reasonable to say 'we can't support you any longer and you'll have to find a way to pay now'. As others have said, at 26 he will definitely have the energy to work 2 jobs. In my 20s I worked a 9-5 and 2 evenings in a bar. If it's only for another year, he could take out a loan as a last resort.

I thought the salary was quite good for teach first as the aim is to attract “high quality” graduates into teaching. He’s taking you for a fool OP, wants to go out partying and playing sports at the weekend because he needs his downtime??? I was working full time on a STEM grad scheme while studying for a masters, probably earning the same as your son and I owned my own house. He shouldn’t be needing that £500 a month and if he does he needs to work for it himself.

So you believe he never looked up the course? Because at the top of the page on the official website it says 2 years.

you believe the school he is at never mentioned it was 2 years. Or no one running the course pointed it out.

He just signed up to a course, didn’t look at the details and asked you to fund him. You knew money would be tight but never queried how long you would be finding him for?

That makes absolutely no sense. I would be really annoyed if dd signed up to a course, that I needed to partially fund and didn’t even know the basics like how long it was.

Andromachehadabadday.. I really cant recall.. i think he said it was a scheme thro the school.. i had a lot going on and i do think I assummed it was one year.
I think he did say something like its two years for some people or something like that .We should have devled deeper.. it was full on about the flat tho as it happened quickly .. etc .

I think inassumednit was a year and it wd be a struggle but time limited. I will.not assume things in future.

Are you not even slightly annoyed/irritated/resentful/feel taken advantage of OP?

Cos you’re not coming across as such.

More just perturbed that your DH dare express some of his very valid feelings to your precious little boy

When you started the thread, I got the impression that were it not for your DS you could comfortably retire. But it doesn't sound that way, if you're worrying about the cost of a pepper then you're simply not in a position to subsidise your adult DSs living expenses.

It's great that both your DC have got to university and you're rightly proud of them, but now is the time to be proud of yourselves for what you have created and make life a bit more comfortable for each other.

It's clear your DH doesn't want to be working ft any more, or if he does he wants to be enjoying the fruits of his labour not paying for his DS bachelor pad.

As you say the cost of living has gone up, time to cut the purse strings.

rookiemere we would never be really comfortable.we always planned to work a bit but its a massive differnce working for hols and treats to absolutely having to.make an additional non fkexible amount amd still manage a fee treats.. it feels very different.

And remember your DS is happy for his 60+ DM to work a cleaning job so he doesn't have to share a flat ( as most 20 somethings do). It was your DH who put his foot down about you working more hours.

You have a good man OP, don't waste what could be the last few years you have to travel and relax together supporting someone who could support himself.

That's why you need to drop funding your son, the strain and pressure on you is not sustainable or fair.

Did your son do any work at all during school holidays to supplement his finances? If not, why not?

I'd be thoroughly ashamed of myself if I so much as thought of treating my parents the way your son is treating you. Has he no shame, embarrassment or conscience?

Op when I did my MA I lived in a flat share and worked full time. When I did my BA I did two degrees at once and worked full time.I had no downtime. No "quiet weekends". I had to live with 3 other girls to afford it. That's life!!!!!

I initially thought @Andonandonamdnn ds was struggling on a small amount of student loan. However, we have since found out that he is on a 2 year Teach First course. He could’ve done a 1 year PGCE course if he was desperate to be a teacher, but he chose money.

OP, your ds is earning £20-27k a year. Many, many people are supporting a family whilst being on less than £25k. Meanwhile, your ds has you paying for his flat and living expenses and all he needs to pay for are boozy weekends. He is spoilt and his poor future DP will be expected to treat him like a king because that’s what he is used to.

Ive found out what the course is.
Its the uqt assement only course. This leads to.qualifies teacher .

So the problem is you agreed to fund with no clue how long.

He didn’t sit with you and discuss you helping and him and the timeline like most adults asking for support would do.

you basically agreed to support him for an unknown period.

He moves into shared accommodation, reduces his partying, starts working and he will make the £500. I can’t believe he hasn’t done that knowing you are both in your 60s and his dad is struggling.

Tbh, it comes across as though you coddle him. You didn’t find out what support and how long. Or he misled you. You feel in the middle when on one side their is your husband suffering with his mental and physical health, and on the other side a 25 year old man who doesn’t want to live within boundaries of what he can afford. He didn’t request help and sit down and detail exactly what it was he needed or (possibly) even know how long his course was. He is aware his Dad is struggling and just expected another year support. So he can play sport and party at the weekend.

i suspect he misled you and you are talking yourself in circles to justify it. ‘I must have assumed’. Who assumes a timeline when they know it’s going to leave money short. You painted your ds as a bit of a victim in your op. Or you have coddled him with no thought of the wider consequences. You even, claimed that an extra year isn’t that long. I don’t think you want to tell your ds you can’t do this anymore. Which begs the question, why?

Have you looked at how long that takes?

I have just spoke with him. He says it is the uqt assesment only route and that he told us it was an year to 2 depending.. he is lookimg for a cheaper flat.

@Andonandonamdnn that's good he's looking for another flat. Did you say you could no longer support him ?

He is aware that we have started to struggle so he is looking for a cheaper flat based on that. I said that we need to.have a good review of the situation now that he is aware we are struggling as he wasnt before.

Assessment only route is usually for people who have teaching experience but not QTS, e.g. they’ve qualified abroad or have been teaching for some time as an unqualified teacher. It usually still only takes 2-3 terms maximum as they just have to gather evidence and get signed off. We have an HLTA/UQT doing it at the moment. He’s being badly advised if he’s trying to go from TA to teacher and taking this route - he could do any number of other routes and that would only take a year.

Oh well done OP, you and your DH sound like such decent people, I'm sure now your DS is appraised of the situation, I'm sure he will cut his cloth accordingly.