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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel between ' a rock and a hard place' with dh and ds...

317 replies

Andonandonamdnn · 14/05/2022 01:06

Dh is 62 .
Ds , 25.
Ds is doing a funded post grad professional on the job qualification which means that he gets a minimal.wage ( not a grant) whilst he trains and works and quaifies.
Dh and I both worked all our working lives in public service jobs and in early 60s ( took pension then ) we have a pension for life , of 1.5 k pm dh and 450 pm me.
. We both work ... Me pt ,he 3/4 time in minimum wage jobs to top up income .
Borh dc thro uni , then ds decided on post grad as above. ..
Dc could not afford rent ( v high in area on the temp wage whilst training) so we pay a proportion of his costs and rent to.help him which has meant the need to earn more income.

.. he is texnically a student/ dependnant ?.. he could have lived in cheaper place with students but as he now is doing a professional placement via a school.. we/ he felt he needed a quiet ish flat not one with undergrads who want to party as he needs have quiet to prep in evenings for class. Etc.

Dh works 5 days a week. I work 3 to in part faciltate this and it means we have to be careful.with money.. we cant travel.abroad as hopes/ plannes etc. As we send money eaxh month.. Ive offered to do more work but dh says he does not wantme to as i do a physically hard cleaning job and have some health issues.

.The rock and rhe hard place is this.... ds need s finiancial support till he qualifies next year in order to .stay in this decent quiet ish flat to study etc and go.to.work.5 days a week in school( v few available in a uni city were most places are busy student undergrad places) .. dh has started saying things like .". he is 26 years old .."." when i wasthat age" etc" ,i am in my 60s."." when will.the support end.". hes said to ds he is looking forward to the time he can work less.. he is grumpy a lot.. i think he resents the commitment of the support as he is tired.. its that he feels adult child of 26 wd not need ongoing £ support at this stage of life and whilst he wants to.support him , he also.resents it and it comes to.surface ? I dont know what to to.. he is withdrawn with dc on phone( notes by ds) as he is tired , resentful? , fed up, but also feels he should help.. it seems to.be increasingly hard for dh to do his.
. Ds has said to.me.why is dh like this ( withdrawn on phone) and i feel.stuck between the need to support ds and dh s wish to help him but the fact that this is coupled with tiredness and occasional ( what feels like resenment/ anger/ wanting freedom from supporting adult dc/ occasional pride in it. Its as if the wants tohelp ds but is tired and is starting to resent it at the same time. I dont want either dh or ds to feel bad . Plus we have said we will help.ds and the last thing i want is for ds to feel bad about it.

OP posts:
CheshireCats · 14/05/2022 17:21

Ffs op, h is a grown adult earning above minimum wage! He needs downtime at the weekend!?? Yes, all of us that work/study/bring up a family would love that..... But somehow manage to crack on without it!
Your poor husband- I totally agree with his point of view. Get Mummy's boy to stand on his own two feet asap.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 14/05/2022 17:22

I’m all for supporting our children through education but this is insane.

I was 16 when I moved country and got my own flat, (no financial help) was in college full time and worked full time, as was my now dh.

We are now degree educated, your ds can ease your financial burden by contributing to his education and sharing accommodation, not all students are wild partying 🙄

Your spoiling and pampering him, he needs to learn to live in the real world and by you not forcing him to do this, is teaching him absolutely nothing!!!

Original poster
Andonandonamdnn · 14/05/2022 17:31

I have ,I think, till I speak to him found the scheme he is on .. it is two years and its called Teach First.

OP posts:
Andromachehadabadday · 14/05/2022 17:36

Andonandonamdnn · 14/05/2022 17:31

I have ,I think, till I speak to him found the scheme he is on .. it is two years and its called Teach First.

If you Google teach first one of the first links is about the training programme/ approx 15th line says 2 years.

and you believe he wasn’t aware of it!

madcatman · 14/05/2022 17:37

OK so I am a teacher of 20 years and HOD (Head of department). When I did my PGCE, we lived in student accommodation, which cost £2000 for the year. I do know this would have double with inflation to £3500-£4000. I got a grant (Severe shortage subject) £800month and worked for 6 months so I had enough to pay for housing up front for the year. It took me 9 months to finish my PGCE and then I lined myself up a job. NQT done in 1 year and 1st promotion after 3 years. I would say if he is taking this long to complete his PGCE or teach training he is struggling. The teach first training is hard and time consuming, so not much time for partying (I think I went out at 26 when I first started once every 2 weeks) so should not be spending much money at all. If his training is coming up for 2 years, he is either doing it very part time (giving him time to party with not much money, hence the reason why he is spending a lot of money as he is going through his wages and yours like a dose of salts). If he is struggling and taking a long time to do the work load of a student teacher, he will definitely struggle in his NQT years. (Being a mentor to student teachers, I can say the main reason for leaving or quitting is due to work load followed by pupil behaviour and developing strategies that take a life time and eat up into your time).

I would have a serious sit down with him and find out the reason why he is taking so long and (by presumption though erroneous as I don't know the ins and outs of his course) and not making enough quick expedient progress after nearly 2 years to be finished with his course. BE CAREFUL. If he is taking this long and knowing what I know about student teachers, this could be pie in the sky and in the end will quit as the work load is horrendous and people think if I go very part time I will get there. This is not the case as you lose a lot of momentum in the job and knowing the system, that sometimes no progress is made at all through the course. I would find out what is really going on and if it does not sound promising, I would give him a time line and in this time if the course is not completed and earning an NQT wage, I would have to make the difficult decision to cut losses. He still has a job and I assume getting paid like a cover supervisor so something like £20, 000. Not great, but enough to survive off as people have to do this on a lot less. I fear you may be taken for a ride.

BronwenFrideswide · 14/05/2022 17:37

Andonandonamdnn · 14/05/2022 17:31

I have ,I think, till I speak to him found the scheme he is on .. it is two years and its called Teach First.

Right so get it confirmed, with proof, and then inform him that you and your husband cannot afford to fund him to the tune of £500 per month from - pick a date, I'd say end of this month but you are a soft touch so possibly the end of this school year - and that he will need to do whatever is necessary to fund himself for the second year - house/flat share, extra work evenings and weekends, work in school holidays, etc.

Neither your husband nor you can live with the extra strain and additional burden of funding your son.

Eightieschildren · 14/05/2022 17:40

It’s absolutely ludicrous that an adult in their mid 20’s can’t financially support themselves.

madcatman · 14/05/2022 17:40

Hindsight a wonderful thing but a uni PGSE taking 9 months and then NQT year will get him quicker to his goal. Teach first is a waste of time and a ploy by the government to get cheap teachers in

madcatman · 14/05/2022 17:41

Sorry PGCE

Original poster
Andonandonamdnn · 14/05/2022 17:45

No he has not done two years of this course yet. He started last sept or oct. Was staraight in class room. He does all.his plans and is at work at 8 am. He goes to bed early and parties and plays sport at weekend .. it is def 5 days a week.

OP posts:
LadyWhistledownofWhistleton · 14/05/2022 17:48

I love my children dearly, but, oh my, your DS is taking the piss! It’s no wonder your DH is so pissed off at having to work to fund a grown adult. I’m gobsmacked that your DS is expecting you both to work at over 60 to fund his studies, that’s just selfish and hugely entitled! He can get a job at weekends or in the evening.

Original poster
Andonandonamdnn · 14/05/2022 17:49

Yes i was aware that teach first was a cheap way of getting teaching done .. as i said he has been taking his class from.last year for a low salary. The thing is there seemed to be stiff competition from ta s wirhin the school as well.as externally....so.surely it has some merit .. he says he is getting paid to.train after all

OP posts:
LadyWhistledownofWhistleton · 14/05/2022 17:49

Andonandonamdnn · 14/05/2022 17:45

No he has not done two years of this course yet. He started last sept or oct. Was staraight in class room. He does all.his plans and is at work at 8 am. He goes to bed early and parties and plays sport at weekend .. it is def 5 days a week.

Well he needs to stop partying at weekends and get a bloody job instead of expecting his parents to fund him.

Shinyandnew1 · 14/05/2022 17:50

Why on earth did he do a two year course when he is so skint that he has to get mummy and daddy to give him £500 a month to help him?!

How ridiculous.

stopthepain · 14/05/2022 17:51

Andonandonamdnn · 14/05/2022 17:31

I have ,I think, till I speak to him found the scheme he is on .. it is two years and its called Teach First.

Your ds could've done a Uni led PGCE or a Schools Direct/SCITT PGCE. Both are 1 year and you have to take out a student loan. Your ds opted for a 2 year course with Teach First. He obviously chose TF because he’ll be paid £20-27k a year. Not sure why he’s taking money from his parents when he earns that much!

BronwenFrideswide · 14/05/2022 18:17

He obviously chose TF because he’ll be paid £20-27k a year. Not sure why he’s taking money from his parents when he earns that much!

THIS OP.

Are you aware of exactly what your son earns?

ILoveCreamCrackersMe · 14/05/2022 18:23

This is real right? All above board, totally legit?

The Op is ignoring the obvious and awkward questions and responding with more faux innocent goady answers.

Original poster
Andonandonamdnn · 14/05/2022 18:29

ILoveCreamCrackersMe what do you mean when you say I am giving goady answers .. I dont think I am.

I have messaged ds asking for confirmation of the scheme.
I have also said that we assumed it was a one year course, not two, and that we need to facetime to discuss the situation . We said that we need clear info so that we can understand and we need that as we , having funded some of this, are part of the equation and that we need to look at the situation .

OP posts:
poetryandwine · 14/05/2022 18:29

Teach First is considered fairly prestigious by many. Your DS could make £500/month tutoring a few hours in the evenings or on weekends. Agencies would be happy to have a Teach First trainee on their books.

I think the situation is a bit tricky because you did make an agreement, but your health and the extended period of your DS’s study that you were unaware of void that. I write as someone who was doing my PhD at age 26 and spent most of it living in house shares, not all of them nice. So I understand that it’s not always great. But you suck it up, because you are an adult.

Original poster
Andonandonamdnn · 14/05/2022 18:30

BronwenFrideswide no i wasnt. I think he said between a ta wage and a teachers wage.

OP posts:
Original poster
Andonandonamdnn · 14/05/2022 18:32

poetryandwine

OP posts:
Original poster
Andonandonamdnn · 14/05/2022 18:33

poetryandwine.. noted. At least it is considered prestigious by some.. thats good news.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 14/05/2022 18:49

I'm a bit confused with the finances OP. £500 a month is a lot but it doesn't equate to both of you needing to work surely as it equates to say £10k pre tax each year.

Are you paying for other things as well as otherwise you should still have enough for modest holidays.

BronwenFrideswide · 14/05/2022 18:50

He goes to bed early and parties and plays sport at weekend .. it is def 5 days a week

For goodness sake, @Andonandonamdnn you and your husband are scrimping and going without things you'd like to do, you with a health issue are working a hard physical job and your son is living the life of fucking Riley - his own flat because he didn't want to share, sport and partying on weekends because he needs some down time, doesn't work during the school holidays to build up his finances, he obfuscated the fact it was a TWO year course, he really has done a number on you. What is going to take for you to realise that you cannot do this - your health further failing? Your husband's health and state of mind deteriorating?

Your son has had enough of a free ride, stop the merry-go-round and make him step up to his responsibilities to himself and his future,

Original poster
Andonandonamdnn · 14/05/2022 18:55

rookiemere mortgage on younger dc at uni.. cost of living increase ,plus jobs that have a slump in winter . . Plus two cars as our work is rural in differnent locations and no buses and its too far to walk / cycle. As we live in a tourist spot the prices are tourist prices ( unless we drive ro a supermarket.) For eg a pepper in our local shop is £1 for one, weras in aldi its that for 3.

OP posts: