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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this woman is stupid

407 replies

Wellyboots12 · 13/05/2022 10:36

A few weeks ago I contacted a woman to inform her about her new boyfriends history, they had been together about two weeks at this point so by no means a serious established relationship. He has convictions for domestic abuse, 4 of his children were removed from their mother because of violence toward her from him - one incident saw the then baby caught in the cross fire and hit when he hit the mother.

That woman aside, he has beaten every woman he has ever been in a relationship with. He threw another ex down the stairs infront of her children, and headbutted another woman whilst she was holding her child. He served time in prison.

I sent her screenshots of articles printed in the newspaper and told her about all of the other information I knew. I urged her to do a claires law check if she had any doubts about anything I was telling her, as everything would be on there.

She was receptive and thanked me for letting her know, said she was gobsmacked but wouldn't stand for any of that. She's a professional woman and has had dealings with domestic abuse in her work life.

Fast forward to now and they're all over social media loved up and going on weekend breaks.

AIBU to think she's stupid?

I know only too well how hard it is to break away from an abusive relationship when you've been together for a long time, but if I knew any of this when I met my abuser (different man) I would have been running for the hills.

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 13/05/2022 13:59

Well you have given her a heads up .What she does with it is up to her really.There are none so blind as those who wont see as they say. She probably thinks she will "change him"!

AchatAVendre · 13/05/2022 13:59

notagamer · 13/05/2022 13:39

Mutual friends with the ex

and so the ex’s friends are still socialising with him

Perhaps some of them are women-blamers, like you?

The OP has already explained in some detail that she lives in a small town where most people know each other and have what the average person would describe using the phrase "mutual friends".

For some reason, you have interpreted that phrase to try and imply that it means socialising with them.

What is your actual motive here? just why are you quite so invested in trying to trip up an anonymous OP?

CorpseReviver · 13/05/2022 14:05

An idiot relative of mine 'stuck by her man' even though, very early on in the relationship, he was shown beyond doubt to be an actual convicted conman who spent his time defrauding elderly people out of their life savings (went to prison for it DURING their relationship), as well as being a total charmer who insulted her parents and siblings to their faces, is racist, homophobic and openly mocks disabled people, and took her to lap dancing clubs when they went on holiday together.

She not only stayed with him, she married him and they have just had their second child. Like your acquaintance she must be not only stupid but fucking desperate.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 13/05/2022 14:19

Yes she is bloody stupid. I expect she's being lovebombed and has lost her head. It will all wear off.

Tlollj · 13/05/2022 14:22

I think you did the right thing telling her. Maybe she won’t listen now, but as time goes on and he starts to show it( because he will) she will remember what you’ve said and act on it then. Hopefully soon. Hopefully too she has no children.

ValerieCupcake · 13/05/2022 14:24

PumpkinsandKittens · 13/05/2022 10:52

So she says she’s a friend of his ex my point still stands how on Earth does she know so much about her friends exes life! Bizarre

Because her friend was on the receiving end! It is not bizarre.

hoorayandupsherises · 13/05/2022 14:25

I can almost guarantee that if you'd posted "I saw a FB post of a mutual friend that a partner's abusive ex - convicted and imprisoned for his abuse - is a new relationship, should I say something?", people would have been horrified at the thought you wouldn't say something.

PerfectionValley · 13/05/2022 14:27

YANBU.

After only two weeks, if someone is faced with evidence (not just hearsay) that they have begun a relationship with a convicted violent abuser and choose to continue seeing them, I'd agree they are stupid.

You did the right thing, some people just can't be helped and will continue to make their own mistakes regardless.

MadameGazelleBand · 13/05/2022 14:31

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

humptydumptysatonawall · 13/05/2022 14:33

You did the right thing in making her aware but I think you're a bit out of order to say she's stupid because she didn't jump when you told her to.

She's armed with all the information and able to make her own decisions, not much more you can do

FabulousKilljoys · 13/05/2022 14:36

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Good grief, really?

mycatisannoying · 13/05/2022 14:37

She's a total fool.

TheEponymousGrub · 13/05/2022 14:38

because this is mumsnet they just like to be contrary and have a pop at an OP for the sake of it

OP you see it yourself. You're absolutely right to feel frustrated with this woman's stupid and unforced choice, but this thread's going nowhere. Sorry. Well done for warning her; and as an early poster said, the evidence you gave her may help her to see sense when he begins to show his true colours.

Wellyboots12 · 13/05/2022 14:38

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

Good lord I hope you don't have daughters, what a terrible role model for women you are.

OP posts:
mycatisannoying · 13/05/2022 14:38

Can't believe all those saying you're unreasonable to call her stupid.

I mean, please ... Hmm

Gottoomuchgoingon · 13/05/2022 14:39

You did the right thing. I wish someone had done it for me

Elsiebear90 · 13/05/2022 14:47

Of course she’s stupid, she’s been shown irrefutable evidence her boyfriend of two weeks is an extremely dangerous and violent individual and she’s chosen to carry on seeing him. People need to take some personal responsibility because believing he’s different with you or he’s changed is quite obviously stupid and puts yourself and any kids you have at an immense risk because abusers don’t change. I would say maybe she has low self esteem and has latched onto him and is deluding herself into believing it’s all lies/misunderstandings or he’s changed, in which case I feel sorry for her, but it’s still a stupid decision.

BellePeppa · 13/05/2022 14:48

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Yes let’s not bother ourselves if we see someone who may need help. Best we all turn away, carry on and let people get on with it.

notagamer · 13/05/2022 14:50

Why would the ex choose to remain friends with people that are also friends with this man, to the extent that they socialise with him?

it doesn’t make sense

notagamer · 13/05/2022 14:51

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

If this was a parking issue
i might agree
but come on… it is a little bit more serious than that

ValerieCupcake · 13/05/2022 14:54

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User of boring hackneyed trite phrases much?

Jenasaurus · 13/05/2022 14:57

grapewines · 13/05/2022 11:13

I mean, you did come on here calling the woman stupid. That's not very admirable.

I beleive Op called her stupid because she is frustrated that her advice fell on deaf ears.

I wish someone had warned me OP, especially if the lady has children, (hopefully she doesn't) but from the sound of his past abuse he doesn't care who gets hurt when he has an outburst, so you contacting her could have protected others too.

If everyone just ignored these things and didn't look out for each other then what is the point of claires law.

Newmum1998 · 13/05/2022 15:02

I think you did the right thing OP, when I left an abusive relationship and reported my ex to the police I found out he had previous convictions for domestic abuse.
I wish someone had warned me of his past at the start of our relationship before he went on to absolutely destroy my life. I suppose there’s a chance I wouldn’t have believed them, but I’ll never know if just one person taking the time to even just send me a message warning me of the type of person my ex is if they could have saved me.
So many people knew and they kept quiet as they watched me move in and have a baby with a drug addict and domestic abuser.
I think it’s possible though that even if they have only been an official couple for 2 weeks that they have actually been seeing each other for much longer than that and he will have no doubt been love bombing her and telling her lies the whole time so maybe that’s why she has decided to stay with him.
You’ve done all you could do though, I wish more people were like you. About time us women start looking out for each other more often.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 13/05/2022 15:04

OP, I admit I haven't read the whole thread but I understand where you are coming from.

You have done the right thing and made her aware of the situation. Now you need to step back and let her get on with it.

I can recall several female friends who dated 'unsuitable' guys, they were warned (not just by me but by others) but continued to make poor choices and suffer the consequences.

These people don't want to hear anything that doesn't suit and can't be reasoned with.

As my Grandma used to say "save your breath to cool your porridge".

BellePeppa · 13/05/2022 15:10

Rosehugger · 13/05/2022 13:23

I don't think she's stupid, but having had that info from the OP will probably get rid even more quickly than she might have otherwise done if he shows any evidence of that behaviour.

Would you consider someone who puts their head inside a lion’s mouth to see if it bites stupid? Because this is what this woman is doing.

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